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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:
Wishawisha · 22/04/2023 18:27

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 18:18

I think it's a tad more unreasonable that the OP is paying for the entire wedding and the partner's family who are not paying are having 150 of their friends and family whilst only 12 are from the OPs side.

Show quote history

I agree with this. Paying for a such a wedding is a massive thing. Of course that should be acknowledged somehow.

I know in previous generations the parents just paid, it’s what happened. My grandparents paid for my parents - but then, they had a wedding in their own church and a reception in the local pub and they were very young, it wasn’t as big as weddings are these days.. Personally, I find it odd that people expect these huge weddings (which aren’t the weddings that people traditionally had) but expect the bride’s parents to pay… for tradition. But then as I say, most people I know paid for their own weddings. I was a good 10 years old than my mother was when she got married; paying myself seemed the right thing to do.

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 18:28

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/04/2023 18:22

Also I don't think the comments about the size of each side are particularly fair or relevant.

At our wedding my family invites totalled 5 people, as that's all the direct family I have. DH is one of 4 siblings each with their own partners and families, so his side was triple mine before we even started with friends. That's not his 'fault' though, like it's not OP's soon to be SIL's fault that his family is bigger than theirs.

It's not about fault, but people with small families tend to make other important connections. I only have one cousin, but I have friends who are just as (more) important to me. My DC don't have any aunts and uncles but they absolutely do have people (my friends) who filled that role when they were small, even if they're not that close now.

kirinm · 22/04/2023 18:29

I don't think you should get a say. I think you're entitled to ask and as you say, hopefully your DD has already thought about Inviting your friends.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
darjeelingrose · 22/04/2023 18:30

For me, you have absolutely no say whatsoever. If you are paying, it makes no difference, you don't give a gift with strings attached. Personally, I had several of my parents' friends at my wedding. They are people who are important to me, because they were there when I was growing up and still support me to this day. They are people I can count on. But the invite came from me and my then fiancé. If your friends are not important in any way to your child, why should they attend? Because you are paying?

comfyshoes2022 · 22/04/2023 18:30

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 17:52

If you're paying of course you get a say on the invitations. TBH if they're "family friends" I'd hope they were invited anyway, unless it's a very small do.

agree with all of this!

Frith2013 · 22/04/2023 18:30

Of course people have no say over who goes to someone else's wedding!

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 18:30

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/04/2023 18:22

Also I don't think the comments about the size of each side are particularly fair or relevant.

At our wedding my family invites totalled 5 people, as that's all the direct family I have. DH is one of 4 siblings each with their own partners and families, so his side was triple mine before we even started with friends. That's not his 'fault' though, like it's not OP's soon to be SIL's fault that his family is bigger than theirs.

But it's not 150 of his family. It's 150 of his family and family friends. Why does he get to have family friends but the OPs side family friends are not invited? Especially considering who is paying.

NotAHouse · 22/04/2023 18:31

Mmmm, gifts with strings attached are DEFINITELY the best kind.

DoughnutDreams · 22/04/2023 18:33

Expecting you to pay for 150 people on his side is surely a huge red flag?

Coffeeandbourbons · 22/04/2023 18:33

35965a · 22/04/2023 17:53

If the parents are paying then they have a say, IMO.

Why? It’s not their wedding. Either it’s an unconditional gift or it isn’t. If not then it’s a bit of an ego trip for the parents.

GretaGood · 22/04/2023 18:33

OMG You are footing the bill for this extortionate wedding with 150 of grooms family and you wonder if your friends can come along - of course and you are idiots for footing the bill for a grooms family if that size

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/04/2023 18:33

@QuickGuide You've misunderstood me, I'm not debating that, I'm referring to comments regarding the OP paying for everything when the majority are the Groom's side. It's hardly his fault if he has a big family and the OP's Daughter doesn't.

Presumably OP & her Husband weren't forced to pick up the bill, and presumably the budget has been discussed already. If the budget runs to 200 people and the couple want 200 people then there's no need for him to leave anyone out.

Laughloveloneliness · 22/04/2023 18:34

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:05

I'm thinking back to my wedding and can remember several couples on both sides of the family who were friends of our parents.

We paid for our wedding. Our parents paid for our honeymoon.

We haven't had any input up to now - all the main services required are booked.

My husband has mentioned (in jest - hopefully) that he's paying for a massive party for the in-laws.

He would be upset if our friends were left out. Confused

Hes right, you are paying for a family for future in laws. I hope your daughter and her fiance are being considerate while spending your money. If they don't invite your friends I would be asking why.

gogohmm · 22/04/2023 18:35

If you are paying then you definitely get to take part in the planning. Where there's a huge disparity between bride and groom , and the brides parents are paying in full, inviting a handful of family friends seems a fair condition, but like everything in life it depends somewhat on room capacity and overall numbers - inviting 4 friends against a guest list of 200 is very different to a guest list of 20. You need to sit down with you daughter and explain your feelings

PippaF2 · 22/04/2023 18:35

My in-laws didn't pay for our wedding, they did make a contribution. We let both sides put forward their list. My MIL did start to go a bit OTT and as it was cost per head and some of the people my DH barely knew - we went down the route of yes to XY but to Z - you're paying the cost per head. Which to be fair she did. She stopped adding more and more people though, lol.

It wasn't having people there it was price tag each person came with! However, we did have the space. We had circa 200 guests but the venue could accommodate upto 300.

Our mentality was the more the merrier but also we're not made of money. If you're paying for it in full - or at least paying venue, drinks and food - then I can't think they have anything to complain about and should let you have your guests.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:35

Intergalacticcatharsis · 22/04/2023 18:00

That sounds like it is going to be a very expensive wedding! I am surprised you didn’t agree on a set number of guests for the groom’s side. It sounds very one sided. Of course you should be allowed to invite your friends if they are close to your daughter. How does she feel about it? I would have an open and honest discussion about it as soon as possible with her.

Yes - it's expensive. But husband insists on paying. He's very happy to.

All I've heard from our daughter is that numbers aren't finalised (there's a stumbling block) as her partner is trying to cut down his side of the 'list' and there are arguments on his side (his mother's relatives) on who to leave out. His parents are already upset that his best man is not one of his brothers (there are four of them).

It's just that we're such a small family as it is - we wouldn't have thought our friends (one couple) would make such a dent considering the rest of the numbers are coming from his side.

It would be a different story if my daughter had said that the total number of guests should be the same for both sides of the family.

We have placed no restrictions on them.

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:35

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 17:52

If you're paying of course you get a say on the invitations. TBH if they're "family friends" I'd hope they were invited anyway, unless it's a very small do.

Sure - if you believe in giving gifts with strings attached to manipulate your children crack on

Dontlistitonfacebook · 22/04/2023 18:35

İt's ok to ask I think but not to demand (not that I'm saying you would be demanding!).

Things have changed. When I got married, my parents paid and it was mostly their friends at our wedding.

When our daughter got married, we gave money with no strings attached so that they could have the guests they wanted.

I'm glad that my daughter had the wedding she wanted.

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/04/2023 18:35

@mybeautifuloak Calm down, none of us know if OP's friends are invited, because she's inexplicably asked us and not her Daughter.

For all we know her Daughter has every intention of inviting them already.

Poppyblush · 22/04/2023 18:36

Ask for your friends to come, not an issue given the scale

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 18:36

Coffeeandbourbons · 22/04/2023 18:33

Why? It’s not their wedding. Either it’s an unconditional gift or it isn’t. If not then it’s a bit of an ego trip for the parents.

Show quote history

I don't think paying for a wedding is a "gift" in the usual sense. It's hosting your daughter's wedding. Technically you get to invite all the guests.

rookiemere · 22/04/2023 18:36

I think you should have mentioned this at the time that wedding finances were first discussed. "Of course we're happy to pay £20k my darling, we would like to invite our close friends so 12 in all."

Now it's a bit awkward as they have probably already made up their list, and of course they should have consulted you at that time but it appears they didn't.Are there any restrictions on the size of the venue ?

I'd talk to your DD on your own, apologise for not mentioning it earlier, but you do want these people to be invited and if that means adding to the numbers so be it.

JorisBonson · 22/04/2023 18:36

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 18:20

Then perhaps you also wouldn't expect your parents to pay for the entire wedding including the inviting if 150 friends and family in the groom side and only 12 on the parents side

Show quote history

Why should the money come with conditions?

Buildingthefuture · 22/04/2023 18:37

We recently paid for my DSDs wedding. I love her dearly and was more than happy to do it. She didn’t ask, we offered. Out of 120 guests, 20 were our friends and DSD was more than happy with that. And I do not feel one bit bad about it. The grooms side was enormous and they didn’t pay a penny!

MysteryBelle · 22/04/2023 18:37

Of course your friends should be invited. This is nuts!