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Original poster

Do parents have no say in wedding invites?

481 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 17:50

From another thread I've just read. The parents' friends are not invited to their daughter's wedding.

A reply said that this is the 21st century and it's solely up to the bride and groom who are invited.

Is this correct?

We are fully paying for our daughter's wedding next year and we were hoping that our good friends would be invited. There are just 12 of us on our side of the family and possibly over 150 on future son in law's side (mainly his family and friends - about 12 of my daughter's friends). They have arranged a Photo Booth, a string quartet, children's play area, a band, a bowling alley - all sorts of 'entertainment'. All this plus suits and dresses for groomsmen, bridesmaids and pageboys.

Save the date cards have been designed but not ordered yet and I was hoping that this would be the time to ask if our friends could attend. Our children have known our friends all their lives. In times gone by they would have been possibly been referred to as 'Aunty and uncle'.

Is it considered cheeky to interfere in guest lists? Do we get a say in who attends?

OP posts:

CeeceeBloomingdale · 22/04/2023 18:37

We paid for our own wedding to avoid having lots of older people we barely know there just because they invited my parents to their kid's wedding. If my parents want a party with their friends they are welcome to organise one but my wedding will not be their playground. If you're paying for it I would ask but don't assume. Why do you what them there? To show off what you've provided or because they are close to the couple? The latter is fine, the former is crass.

PippaF2 · 22/04/2023 18:37

JorisBonson · 22/04/2023 18:36

Why should the money come with conditions?

Show quote history

Oh come on. Be sensible.

rookiemere · 22/04/2023 18:38

Oh sorry I misread your posts - so it's only 2 people. Of course they should be invited. Maybe message rather than discuss, gives them time to reflect on the fact you're paying for it all and not say anything hasty.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings

ZoeyBartlett · 22/04/2023 18:39

I must be in minority as I think it's perfectly reasonable for your friends to be invited. It would be different if they were strangers to your daughter!

We paid for our wedding and invited friends of both parents who we knew from childhood! (And didn't get married till 40).

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 18:40

@JorisBonson Why should the money come with conditions?
Taking the money and feeling no compunction to invite lifelong family friends so the people paying can enjoy the event with their closer friends is just rude. We are talking about 2 people. Not 50.

Rainydaysgetmedown · 22/04/2023 18:40

You’re paying so you invite who you like

GretaGood · 22/04/2023 18:40

So somehow the groom has magicked up 150 guests NONE of whom are friends of his parents - yeah right!

chopc · 22/04/2023 18:41

Please go ahead and ask your daughter. If it was one of my children I suspect they would invite our close friends themselves as they have known them all their lives but if not I would certainly mention it

Scottishskifun · 22/04/2023 18:43

I suggest that you have a word now with your DD that you expect them to be invited.
It's definitely not a given and assumptions shouldn't be made!

Just don't do what my MIL did and invite your friends anyway despite being told there wasn't space! I had 6 extra guests to try and sort on the day (and no PIL did not pay for our wedding rather deliberately!)

Flossflower · 22/04/2023 18:44

No, I don’t think you can ask for your friends to attend. It is the decision of the bride and groom. I think you have to ask yourself why you want your friends there.
We paid for both our children’s weddings, but they and their partners arranged them. We gave advice only when asked. The weddings were gifts to them and a gift with strings attached isn’t a gift!
In the end they asked us if we wanted to invite 2 couples of our friends. These were friends of ours that they had known throughout their childhood.
Partners parents had the same number.
One of the partner’s parents had lots of friends that obviously couldn’t come so she arranged a lunchtime do in her garden when they came back from their honeymoon which the bride and groom attended, along with both immediate families. It was a lovely event and a great catch up without all the stresses of the wedding.

Bluepolkadots42 · 22/04/2023 18:44

I think where parents are contributing to costs or paying in full it is reasonable for them to invite some friends that are family friends known to bride/groom. My parents DH and I split our venue capacity down middle so we had 30 each side to invite. Both our parents contributed all 6th of the total cost of our wedding. His immediate family is larger so no space for parental friends- happily there weren't any that would have been appropriate to invite. I had smaller immediate family so invited my parents' good friends who are my godparents and my sister's godparents respectively. It was lovely to invite them. We made it clear we had limited venue numbers to ensure my DM didn't get carried away and start inviting her wider circle of girl friends who I don't know really.

RaininSummer · 22/04/2023 18:46

I am not expecting daughter to invite my friends to her wedding. However I am not paying and also I can't think of any friends of mine she really knows nowadays.

AmyandPhilipfan · 22/04/2023 18:47

It's absolutely fair to have some people you want if you're paying for the wedding. My parents paid for mine and they had three sets of friends there. These were people I'd met many times in my life. In fact, one couple was more like an aunt and uncle to me. It would never have occurred to me to say no when my mum said she was going to invite them!

Smartiepants79 · 22/04/2023 18:47

Well I love my parents so I invited the few people who were very important to them.
People who had known me all my life and watched me grow.
It would not have occurred to me to do otherwise honestly.

Original poster

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:49

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/04/2023 18:02

I don’t know if get a say is necessarily the right approach. Are you getting involved in their other decisions or just leaving them to it and signing cheques? You can certainly say it would mean a lot to you that x and y are invited as close family friends etc. Hopefully they’re already planning to include them.

No - not been involved at all. My daughter asked me to go dress shopping last month which we did. I suggested she ask her future MIL, which she did, we all had a fabulous day. Dress is ordered.

We've already transferred the lump sum to their account and will pay any balance which goes over this amount. They have paid all the required deposits.

As far as know - all that is left to do is finalise the guest list.

OP posts:

Bansheed · 22/04/2023 18:50

At mine and my friends' weddings, parents had a table of their friends. Amd we paid for ours. It was really important to my in laws and I didn't mind in the slightest

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 18:51

CeeceeBloomingdale · 22/04/2023 18:37

Those old people will be the people who supported your parents through all their children rearing challenges....

I'd love to see my friendship group's children get married. I don't expect to be invited to small affairs, but I think for big weddings I'd be included, as my friends would be at my DC's weddings. There were times when there was every possibility my DC might not have survived childhood without these people!

Wewereonabreak88 · 22/04/2023 18:51

It sounds like the OP just wants a day out with her mates rather than caring about her daughter's wedding.
My parents gave me money towards our wedding and they never once had any expectations or demands. My dad only knew one person out of the whole wedding and he didn't complain about not having friends there.
I'll repeat again OP - it's not your day whether you are paying for it or not!

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 18:52

Don't be a doormat, op. The groom having 150 guests is fucking outrageous, and of course your two friends should be invited. Tell your daughter to put them in the list right now.

Iloveacurry · 22/04/2023 18:52

Why are the ILs inviting so many relatives when they haven’t paid any towards the wedding? Seems a little unfair.

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 18:52

I do find it a bit odd that you're nervous about having this conversation.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 22/04/2023 18:53

It totally depends on your family dynamics/ relationship with your daughter and their partner. DH & I are very close to our respective families so our wedding was very much a family affair which is exactly how we wanted it. Our parents contributed but regardless we’d have let them invite a few people. I think they invited about five people each. For some of us a wedding is a whole family celebration. Speak to your daughter, she may feel like I did and be more than happy for you to invite some people.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 22/04/2023 18:53

SunshineThelma · 22/04/2023 17:53

This reads like you're muddling two things - asking would be completely reasonable, but 'having a say' like you're calling the shots? No. Their wedding, their choice who to invite. Of course you can suggest or remind about certain family friends, but at the end of the day it'd be down to the couple who to invite.

Their wedding, their choice should also mean their money.

I will expect to be able to invite my close friends to my child’s wedding especially if I am laying. I agree the parents should not be taking over with their friends so the bride and groom should also have a say and their friends, but this trend of it’s my wedding so butt off is bullshit especially if you’re expecting me to pay.

Badleg85 · 22/04/2023 18:53

We paid for our wedding, where DH had considerably more family members than me, Mil started insisting we invite some of her friends so we said she had to pay for them, she wasn't happy and didn't invite them

Original poster

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/04/2023 18:53

Pixiedust1234 · 22/04/2023 18:08

The bride and groom decide on who they want. Just because you are paying doesnt mean you get to overrule them. You could ask if there were any spare seats left could so and so come but you should respect their decision if they say no.

If you pay for the dress would you expect to able to overrule the bride on colour or length?
If you pay for the venue would you expect to be able to overrule their choice?
If you pay for the flowers would you expect to be able to overrule on colour scheme?

If you answer yes to any of the above, you will are the overbearing parent from hell.

We've had zero input.

OP posts:

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