Why does no one tell you the downsides of breastfeeding?!

[SleepingBeauty7]

I'll start by saying I am extremely grateful that I have been able to breastfeed DD and am aware of the many benefits of it. What I wasn't aware of though, are the not so good parts of breastfeeding.

I'm a first time mum, so all I knew about breastfeeding were a few things I had read up about online and the information I was given in the two breastfeeding classes I went to. It was all presented as this amazing experience, which will give you an amazing bond with your baby. Which I don't disagree with, but there have been SO many things I have found difficult...

1. DD couldn't latch on for the first three days so she was initially formula fed. I spent days in tears feeling guilty that I was giving her formula as it had been drilled into me that "breast is best", which wasn't helped by the fact it actually says that on formula bottles (which I think is so bad!)
2. It is so intense and demanding. I spent the first few weeks not being able to function properly due to being awake all night while DD cluster fed and DH happily snored next to me, as there was no point him being awake anyway since he doesn't have boobs to feed our baby with!
3. Expressing doesn't work for everyone. I was hopeful that I could express some milk so that DH could feed DD from a bottle. But most of the times I try to express, I don't even get a drop of milk. Not to mention it's so painful!
4. The few times I did manage to express and put milk in a bottle, DD completely rejected the bottle and refused to have it, resulting in me having to throw it away!
5. I can't go out for more than three hours, because DD won't take a bottle/formula so I have to be back to breastfeed her, which means there have been so many outings I've had to leave early from.

I know breastfeeding is good for babies and I'm grateful to have done it, I really am. But I can't help but feel that I wish I hadn't have done it or at least tried combi feeding. Anyone else feel the same??

offer advice such as introduce a bottle to baby early

But that is terrible advice, which is why it shouldn't be given. It is much better to avoid giving a bottle to a newborn, so that they can latch well to the breast and get used to feeding like that. Bottle feeding is much easier for them - so if they start bottle feeding in the first few weeks, they will possibly resist breast-feeding.

It's not all babies of course, but many.

The issues you describe were not issues for me at all. Of course breastfeeding is challenging for many - it sounds like you are doing a great job and the points you raise would not necessarily have meaning for everyone if they were raised before birth.

For me, breastfeeding was easy and convenient, I loved not having to think about anything for my baby other than bring a few nappies - I really struggled when it came to weaning / solids actually. I recognise that I was lucky and that for some women, it's very different and they may decide to FF instead, and this is fine.

I would always start from a position of encouraging women as much as possible, providing support and guidance, and messages from your midwife that 'breast is best' is simply factual, rather than offering a value judgment.

As many PPs, it's the negative side that I've been far more aware of. It's the negative sides that get spoken about more.

Whenever I have spoken about the positive sides, I'm often told to be quiet and that I am not allowed to say "breast is best" (even though I never actually use that phrase)

I don’t mean to be trite about it, but if you’re attending breastfeeding classes then yes of course they’ll talk about breastfeeding!

I think you’re also confusing ease of BF with benefits to the baby. The latter (breast is best) factually IS true, whether people like it or not. But we all make informed decisions and do the best given our circumstances

FFS we are MAMMALS

it’s literally what we are made to do, and the issues with BFing are mostly as our society has changed beyond recognition but our biology hasn’t.
It is very rare (but not unheard of) for other mammals to not be “able” to BF, or their baby would die. We of course are very lucky to have formula as a safe alternative to BFing but it should be seen as that- an alternative for when necessary. Much like IVF or ICSI is not seen as a lifestyle choice but rather a necessary alternative for when intercourse isn’t working. No one is suggesting yet that it’s a valid option for those who don’t fancy sex much, though scarily enough surrogacy does seem to be becoming an option for those who can pay and who don’t fancy pregnancy for whatever reason.
Being “tied” to baby is not a bad thing, it’s nature. Equal parenting is a social choice and tbh it’s not really the best for babies and their attachment. Of course involved dads are fab and come into their own once baby starts growing up a little and for supporting mum…

I’m in two minds about this.

I do think more should be said about the early days of BF probably being hard for a lot of Mums. No one told me it would be and I wasn’t prepared for it psychologically. That said, would telling people it was hard put people off?

On the whole though I think formula is pushed a lot more than BF in society (& on here) with all the you’ll be the primary caregiver, they’ll never sleep, let dad give a bottle, I’m too embarrassed to get my boobs out in public stuff. I actually think that some women who wanted to BF and couldn’t try and encourage others to give up by pushing the negatives. I know it’s an awful thing to say but IME that’s definitely the case.

God I hate threads like this to be honest setting women against woman.

Do what suits you and your baby/circumstances/lifestyle that's it

Neither is right or wrong it's just a choice which thank God we have now.

Your body your choice.

How is this thread setting women against women? I'm a new mum who just wanted a space to share the difficulties I've being facing and wanted to know if anyone had experienced the same.

I think what people struggle with - in all aspects of child rearing, not just breastfeeding - is that while something can be best/optimal in general terms, it might not be in their own specific situation. And NHS advice is phrased for the lowest common denominator, so that it’s deliberately very simple and easy to understand - so that really doesn’t allow for any nuance.

A friend of mine got quite obsessed with her DD only having milk or water. That was “best”. Any hint of juice might be bad for her teeth/give her a sweet tooth. All fine. Except that child simply wouldn’t drink. And all sorts of problems ensued from this - repeated UTIs being a main source of concern. And she simply couldn’t countenance that her DD would be far better off drinking some sugar free squash or some flavoured water. That would have been better than all the UTIs, but it wasn’t “best”. (Child is now 16 and was last seen drinking a pint of Coke, so it all resolved itself in the end!). It can be a bit like that with breastfeeding, I think (hence the whole “fed is best” movement, for which I have some sympathy. If you’re struggling to feed over a long period of time, then formula is better in that situation.)

I agree that everyone 'professional' that you come across in pregnancy talks about the positives for the baby, but few give you a realistic picture of what it's actually like for many women.
I had no idea that the after pains, triggered by bf my second baby would be so painful - much worse than with my first child. I know it can be fabulous for some women but
my nipples were so sore, I leaked milk everywhere, boobs were like footballs, it was so restricting and messy. Absolutely hated it and women are guilt tripped into carrying on regardless of their pain or discomfort.
I'm firmly in the 'fed is best' category, but also believe that more women might carry on bf when they get into difficulties if they are warned that lots of those difficulties are common. I was really shocked by the reality first time around compared to the warm and fuzzy PR.

I totally agree @SleepingBeauty7, and I do think some people are being pretty obtuse here.

Pregnant women dont get all the information to to make informed decision- the official stance allows no discussion, no options, no other cooniderations like supply issues, physiological issues, family set up etc. It is not helpful to present only the perks of one option.

Hence why you see so much negative comment of breastfeeding allover this site. Women want to give other mothers a more realistic story than the white-washed version they're getting from their medical provider, and the government.

Ffs we are mammals

And??? These comments drive nuts.

You wanted to bf so did I. So what? Who cares!

The thing with the mammals comment is that humans can't sit around all day eating and sleeping, like a cat who's just had kittens! We have to look after our other children, go to work, clean our houses, shop etc.

It IS bad that all bottle and formula products and (most) midwives must come with a militant 'breast is best' message. In the same way it would be unacceptable for medicines to be promoted without a full breakdown of side-effects.It's totally skimming over the problems that can (and frequently do) arise with breastfeeding. That's not acceptable, particularly from an NHS service.Breastfeeding has its pros. It also has its cons. But the breastfeeding cons are silenced. And Bottlefeeding pros are silenced- it can improve bonding with other family members and the baby, can take a huge amount of stress off the mother, can allow a much happier family and healthier environment for the baby- but none of that is talked about.So how the fuck does a manufacturer, or even a midwife, know 'what's best' for you, your body, your family and your baby more than you do? How are parents able to make an informed choice when all the negative information is hidden?

Indeed. If I could have chucked DC1 out of the nest to fend for themselves before the baby arrived and didn't have the school run and all the other pesky business of life, things would be so much easier.

I do agree OP. I did NCT classes and was very determined to BF. NCT mantra was very much 'anyone can BF if they want to badly enough' and the people only ever think they aren't producing enough milk, when in fact they are.

I had a rare but very real low milk supply issue diagnosed when baby was readmitted to hospital jaundiced and unwell on day 6 with huge weight loss. I was mentally totally unprepared for not being able to BF and it took months for me not to feel like I'd starved my baby because of the NCT indoctrination.

This, this, and more of this 🙌

I agree with you OP. Certainly from health professionals I wasn't told about any of the downsides. It felt like they considered women too stupid to make a balanced decision, and they believed if they omitted the downsides this would increase breastfeeding numbers. Mantras such as "it doesn't hurt, if it hurts you're doing it wrong". Bollocks. It does hurt for a while until your nipples toughen up!

I was lucky that I was able to breastfeed mine, but both happily took a bottle when needed. Every health professional advised against this for fear of "nipple confusion" but if I hadn't have had the option of the odd bottle here and there I never would have managed to continue to breastfeed for a year.

I think there needs to be a lot more openness from midwives and health visitors, that breastfeeding is the harder option but there is support available.

Thanks to the posters who have actually understood where I'm coming from, unlike the 'I don't know what you're talking about, I never experienced any of that' committee

Absolutely hated bf and think that not presenting the realities actually harms bf rates as women assume it will be seamless and easy, and all the info tells you its best and great etc so when they struggle, they think it's THEM and their fault/issues. If we were honest about what bf entails, the time, energy, responsibility, burden etc, if we armed women with the support necessary to make it through, we might get somewhere. Fwiw I read every academic study I could find, I spoke to a university professor at one point as I was at breaking point and benefits are negligible at best in the bigger picture and context of our social structures and society.

I don't recognise anything you say as my BF journey was all positive so I think you have to accept that were all different. Also to say that many women can't breastfeed is wrong, a very small proportion can't breastfeed for medical reasons. BF rates in the UK are low compared to other countries but I'm sure we're anatomically the same as Women around the world so what we need to ask ourselves is why we live in a culture that actually doesn't support breastfeeding.

I'm sorry you did not enjoy your experience and I don't think any woman who struggles with it should continue...there are other ways to feed a baby, however I do think we need to be careful with this "so many women can't breastfeed" trope that is always trotted out as its simply not true and I believe it makes women feel bad about themselves rather than helping them.

This. So much this.

I wanted to BF but couldn't. I tried for 8 long weeks to establish BF with a mad combination of pumping, putting babe to breast for 30 mins and then switching to formula, constantly throughout the day and night. Nobody, and I mean literally not one of the very many people I spoke to to try and resolve it, told me that some women just can't BF effectively. In the same way that some women's eyes/ears/nervous systems/hearts/ovaries don't work properly - some women's breasts don't work properly. I was so unprepared for the guilt and heartbreak I felt about this, it was overwhelming. I actually decided to stop cold turkey after I spent a horrible night fantasising about walking into the sea to drown myself. The lowest point of my entire life.
Stopping was the best decision I ever made and I wish I could go back to the devastated version of myself and tell her to stop sooner. I feel the health service failed me and my baby in all honesty.

When it comes to NCT and HCPs I agree, there isn't a whole lot of nuance or appreciation of different circumstances for mums and babies.

Obviously mothers as individuals are happy to talk about the negatives of breastfeeding.

Nobody, and I mean literally not one of the very many people I spoke to to try and resolve it, told me that some women just can't BF effectively. In the same way that some women's eyes/ears/nervous systems/hearts/ovaries don't work properly - some women's breasts don't work properly. I was so unprepared for the guilt and heartbreak I felt about this, it was overwhelming.

Stopping was the best decision I ever made and I wish I could go back to the devastated version of myself and tell her to stop sooner. I feel the health service failed me and my baby in all honesty

@traytablestowed I persisted with combi feeding for ages even though looking back it was probably well over 90% formula, such was the bf guilt. This sums up how I feel too 😔.

Im not that ignorant to think that everyone has had the same issues as me, I know that everyone is different. I can only speak from my personal experience and I do in fact know quite a lot of women who haven't been able to breastfeed for reasons out of their control

@AliceTheeCamel and anyone else who struggled/is struggling with the often repeated mantra that not being able to BF is exceptionally rare, this article helped me to feel validated:
groundedparents.com/2015/08/07/bust-a-myth-breastfeeding-advocates-need-to-stop-using-this-statistic/