Why does no one tell you the downsides of breastfeeding?!

[SleepingBeauty7]

I'll start by saying I am extremely grateful that I have been able to breastfeed DD and am aware of the many benefits of it. What I wasn't aware of though, are the not so good parts of breastfeeding.

I'm a first time mum, so all I knew about breastfeeding were a few things I had read up about online and the information I was given in the two breastfeeding classes I went to. It was all presented as this amazing experience, which will give you an amazing bond with your baby. Which I don't disagree with, but there have been SO many things I have found difficult...

1. DD couldn't latch on for the first three days so she was initially formula fed. I spent days in tears feeling guilty that I was giving her formula as it had been drilled into me that "breast is best", which wasn't helped by the fact it actually says that on formula bottles (which I think is so bad!)
2. It is so intense and demanding. I spent the first few weeks not being able to function properly due to being awake all night while DD cluster fed and DH happily snored next to me, as there was no point him being awake anyway since he doesn't have boobs to feed our baby with!
3. Expressing doesn't work for everyone. I was hopeful that I could express some milk so that DH could feed DD from a bottle. But most of the times I try to express, I don't even get a drop of milk. Not to mention it's so painful!
4. The few times I did manage to express and put milk in a bottle, DD completely rejected the bottle and refused to have it, resulting in me having to throw it away!
5. I can't go out for more than three hours, because DD won't take a bottle/formula so I have to be back to breastfeed her, which means there have been so many outings I've had to leave early from.

I know breastfeeding is good for babies and I'm grateful to have done it, I really am. But I can't help but feel that I wish I hadn't have done it or at least tried combi feeding. Anyone else feel the same??

Oh god forbid you dare say what a tough time you had of it on MN!

I had a seriously love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. I fed mine for 9 months - simply because she wouldn't touch a bottle. We ended up in A&E at 5 days old because she couldn't latch, and at one stage we were feeding her off a teaspoon. It was always, constantly uncomfortable, I had to hold my breasts a certain way to make it bearable as there was such a sharp pulling inside.
I love the fact I didn't muck about with bottles and I got the hang of it, much as it was uncomfortable. I loved the closeness of it and the feeling I was doing what was best for her, but I wouldn't have done it if I'd had another.

I would say there are pros and cons for both. Yes that will vary for each women, but I have to say each baby is different too.
I found combi feeding great with my first - a result of a stay in NICU where he was tube fed for a week and I wasn't able to bf until later. But I really appreciated being able to both and decided this was how I would feed by next baby.
DD had other ides. She flatly refused anything but the boob. No bottles, cups, spoons etc. I had to bf until she weaned herself at 15 months.

'What's good for babies isn't always good for women'

whoever said this is spot on!

wrt breastfeeding I would say it was the worst time of my life until it suddenly and without warning morphed into the best time of my life. This is with hindsight obviously.

we endure what can I say 😀

Agree!

Honestly, for me i loved bf/ff combi feeding. You can buy premade formula, bottles can be washed in a dishwasher , and then cold water so immediate available or microwave sterilised in minutes… i stopped sterilising somewhere around 8 months I think? I actually also switched entirely to FF and got a perfect prep. I bf dc1 for 12 months with dh doing 1 ff a day and ff overnight once a week. I couldn’t express and wasn’t going to add that stress to my life. Dc2 I breast fed for 6 months but suspected cmpa or possible virus ended up being 2 months of dc2 being on special formula (she was not cmpa in the end). I switched to full time ff. I am fully supportive of my friends who are bf but if they ask me, i say i would breastfeed initially and then combi feed and then switch to formula. The level of personal freedom i had with cf/ff compared to friends who ebf is not to be underestimated. Although many would come back at me and be like “but I didn’t want to be away from my baby”. Well nor did i. But I appreciated the opportunity to maintain my adult friendships of those i could only see after (their) work whilst on mat leave, or to go on kit days without stressing… many other reasons.

i liked bf but I don’t recognise the population level benefits at an individual level

I think everyone's experiences are their own but I do agree - some slightly more 'negative but ultimately breastfed in the end' is more useful than just positive or just the negative breastfeeding is crap narrative. If you knew the first few weeks are bloody hard but get better, you might be more likely to persevere and know how to get help.

Having said this, I am on a big nbf Facebook group and my biggest irritation is people who comment 'my baby is 8 months and is feeding every hour , I can't keep on like this, I get no sleep' and everyone falls over themselves to say 'no this is completely normal, I haven't slept in 6 years' etc. Well that sounds rubbish too.

I think we hear a lot about the downsides. It is important to know the potential difficulties but too much information can be off-putting, you can end up thinking there's too many downsides or not realise that most of the downsides are only in the first few days/week and once you get past them it is, usually*, much easier than bottle feeding
*but not always, and sometimes its not getting easier because there's a problem that can be fixed so information about problems and how to spot them and solve them is needed.

The cluster feeding at the beginning is hell, I agree, but once I got past that it was so much easier than the times I bottle fed, no thinking or planning necessary.

Pumping is the worst though, people should definitely talk about how that's the worst of both worlds!

Honestly as other have said, everyone’s Breastfeeding experience is different and I think the positives should be given as default or a lot of us wouldn’t give it a go if we heard the bad side off the bat!! I’d have probably run a mile and not tried it

Ultimately It depends on your boobs, it depends on your pain threshold, it depends on your patience level, it depends on your supply, it depends on whether you feel guilty about not doing it or not, it depends if you are super busy or not, it depends on partner support etc. I did Mixed feeding for my first but my second wouldn’t take a bottle so I had to exclusively breastfeed and I realised how much I hated all the bottle faff! The message should be, breast is best but formula is practically as good these days and in 18 years time you will struggle to remember how you fed them and will wonder why you were so worked up about it at the time.

If you are breastfeeding you can cluatwrfeed and sleep at the same time if you cosleep although I realise that some people don't want to cosleep. If not then it does get easier as they get older and can feed faster. Also you can breaatfrrd whilst out. Often places have a room you can use but if not then there are loads of cape typed things you can use to give you some privacy and although there is a bit of a knack to it, you can feed a baby while they are in a baby carrier.

I knew it would be really hard sl o was expecting it. I didn't realise how much it would hurt though and that it would take me a few weeks to get the hang of it. Out of my mum group, only one couldn't BF, she just couldn't produce the milk but everyone else managed (11 out of 12). It's definitely tough but it's worth it knowing you're doing the best thing for your baby. It's actually quite amazing just how amazing breastmilk and breastfeeding is! I mean from a scientific perspective, things like hind milk, and how milk produced during the night is different, and if you're sick etc etc. Formula just doesn't compare so I think it's worth a few weeks of pain to get there in the end (plus not everyone has that either, some of my friends found to quite easy straightaway).

People literally never fucking shut up about the negatives of breastfeeding. Show me a woman who's breastfeeding and has never had anyone suggest that she switch to formula because it's easier/it's "nicer"/other people can have the baby/the baby will sleep better/breastfeeding is making other people "uncomfortable"/the baby "isn't getting enough" and I'll show you a liar.

Breastfeeding has advantages and disadvantages. So does formula feeding. There are times in the early days when it would have been easier to use a bottle, but once past that, there were dozens of times when breastfeeding was an absolute boon and a joy. And the formula has to say that, because there are massive commercial interests out there that don't give a shit for babies' health, or mothers', and will do everything they can to undermine, obstruct, and criticise breastfeeding because it doesn't make them any money unless specifically prevwntwd from doing so by law. They've done a bang up job on our entire culture which still lingers.

All other things being equal, breastfeeding is the best thing for the health of both mother and baby. There are times when things are not equal and formula feeding is needed or is overall the best solution for mother and baby. For sure. But to say that people don't talk about the negatives of breastfeeding is nuts.

On the equal parenting front: I both EBF and fed both of my babies for well over two years. DH and I are genuinely equal parents, because a) he wants to be and b) we negotiated it and readjusted until we were. No, this wasn't true in the newborn days, but out of the first few months, breastfeeding is absolutely not what stops equality in parenting. The vast majority of babies are formula fed, as are the vast majority of babies in situations where the mother is shouldering the bulk of the parenting burden long-term.

I assumed the OP meant she couldn't go out without the baby for more than 3 hours.
For those that won't take a bottle (and some really won't!), there is a major impact on the mother.

I was getting ready to type exactly this. I hardly ever see/hear anything positive about BF.

It's a bit more nuanced than the way you've described it imo. Breastfeeding is a huge commitment and it also means you're stuck with the baby in a way that you're not if you formula feed. I agree with those who say you're more likely to become the 'default parent' and lose part of yourself as a separate person (not a mother) if you breastfeed. Breastfeeding does imo provide a 'get out of jail free' card to men who want to escape doing their share of baby duties.

It can be incredibly difficult (I found it so with DC1 and we had huge feeding issues), but it can also be incredibly easy (my experience with DC2, who came out knowing exactly what to do). And personally I have found it a godsend with an older child at home not having to stop to make up bottles but just being able to feed DC2 immediately. We can do playground or park trips after school, go to the shops, do homework or bathtime etc. without me having to make sure I've got a bottle for DC2 or stopping to make up feeds... all I need is somewhere to sit down for a few minutes (though I'm now a pro at breastfeeding standing up if I need to!). But many mothers might feel less comfortable feeding in public or might find bottles easier for being out and about. For me, breastfeeding makes it easier to balance everything I have to do, but I can see that this wouldn't be the case for everyone.

Your experience sounds very similar to mine OP. I shared your feelings at the beginning and it really highlighted the burden of childcare being on myself as the mother/breastfeeder. This also led to feelings of resentment between me and DH (me resenting him for being able to go out for the day/night, him resenting me for being able to feed the baby when he couldn’t). I remember many conversations about how things will change once we start weaning and baby won’t rely on me so much.

I’m not sure if you said how old your baby is OP but I promise you it does get better and (now I’m a year on) it does go quickly! Our BF journey became very easy and I learned to love it - milk always available, no need to remember to pack anything or if it runs out, easy to feed baby at any time/place.

I also stressed myself and my baby out by trying to get her to take a bottle. She also refused and (in my experience) there are some babies who will never take a bottle. It did my mental health the world of good when I just gave up and accepted she wouldn’t take a bottle. Way less stress. Also no need to wash/sterilise/prep/pump - it’s a lot of effort! Way easier just to feed the baby directly. (I occasionally express milk and leave it in a sippy cup for my DD - which miraculously she took to straight away.)

Anyway - I completely agree with you and share your feelings. Ultimately it depends on what you want and what works for you and your family but I’m here to say there are also benefits and it does get easier.

Maybe I didn't hear about any negatives because I didn't actually look for them. The only information I knew about breastfeeding came from midwives and my own mum (who breastfed me for a year) who were all very pro breastfeeding. So I went into it with a very biased view so when I did encounter problems it came as a bit of a shock as I wasn't prepared for them.

But why? You can breastfeed anywhere.

I really relate to this, congrats on managing to feed your DC for so long!

I think it's a very very personal choice and one lots of mums actually make before they even give birth.

I had nipple thrush for my first one snd used nipple shields as I was determined to bf. No idea why to be honest just because I think it was seeing my sils baby passed around to any old person to bottle feed. I didn't want that.

My second was easy peasy and bf for 6 months same as first.

My twins were years younger so I was much busier doing school runs and after school activities with new borns and tweenagees so bf as easier until got a blocked duct and thought enough.

It's so personal I don't really think it's much of a discussion topic to be honest. You either want to and persist or you don't!

Oh sorry I misunderstood this as she couldn't breastfeed her baby during outings.

If you can't pump and baby won't take bottle that is definitely a problem if you want to be away from baby for more than a few hours

I think the opposite is true really, if you ever read about the positives of BF then all the FF mothers immediately post about how their baby isn any less healthy than a BF baby and something else about being “shamed” for a choice

The logistics of BF is a separate issue and can be really difficult in the early days / weeks, but equally some people find it really easy

When you say it’s not talked about - where do you expect it to be talked about? I think the info and opinion is definitely there if you look for it

Another one that feels i only ever read negative things about breastfeeding on mumsnet.

As soon as someone says positive things about breastfeeding they seem to get jumped on for making someone else feel bad for formula feeding.

I would have expected it to be talked about in the breastfeeding classes I attended. Instead of being preached at about how good it is, I think a more balanced view is needed so that mothers can make an informed decision about whether they want to breastfeed or not. Of course not everybody has difficulties, but there are plenty of women who do

I hear practically nothing but negatives! Incidentally, @SleepingBeauty7, just in case you have another baby, it is absolutely normal for your milk not to come in for 3 days. Unless your baby is unwell or underweight, there is no need for formula. Putting the baby to the breast regularly will provide them with colostrum and stimulate your supply.

I know that milk doesn't come in until day 3, but DD wouldn't latch at all, which is why formula was needed.