Page 9 | AIBU Going on a Hen Do Abroad

HotPotato2 · 2023-04-11T07:37:46+00:00

I've never been on a girls Hen Do away and this one is abroad. I got very excited when I was invited there is only 5 of us going for 3 nights so assumed it would be quite laid back. and I committed to flights without knowing the accommodation costs and itinerary and things have got out of hand! Which in hindsight I should have asked first. I have 2 kids 12 and 9 and have never left them before, obviously they will be with their dad and well looked after so I'm terribly nervous about that. But thought maybe a weekend away would be good and be much cheaper than a family holiday as things are tight this year and we are already going away as a family later in the year. And I've never been away with the girls. However the costs have spiralled and I feel so guilty as for the amount I am now paying I probably could have done a cheap holiday abroad with the kids. It's £400 each for accommodation, flights £200 return But then the activities have got out of hand, tours for £70, beach clubs for £70 each which does include some food, a meal out £70 each and I feel like I now cannot say no as I will lose the money I have already paid and I cannot exactly go and not participate in the activities for a hen do, the beach club is all afternoon and I know the drinks will cost a fortune while I'm there cos you are stuck there. I wrongly assumed that we might just explore the city during the day and go shopping or something, My Partner is going mad about it now, but I work obviously so its not his money but in hindsight could of been better spent I'm gutted I feel like I have completed wasted some of my savings, do think there is any way I can get out of it or am I just going to have to suck it up now? Do you think I am over-reacting and probably have a really good time?? Realistically I will probs not get to go one again abroad. Am I just being over anxious, I'm not a natural spender and definitely a saver so this is a lot for me!!

Shoxfordian · 11/04/2023 15:34

Try and actually have some fun for a change op- you sound like a killjoy because you’re acting like one. How have you got to 40 without knowing to check costs and plans before agreeing to things?

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 11/04/2023 15:36

Shoxfordian · 11/04/2023 15:34

Try and actually have some fun for a change op- you sound like a killjoy because you’re acting like one. How have you got to 40 without knowing to check costs and plans before agreeing to things?

And yes OP I think this is a very valuable life lesson you've learned

latetothefisting · 11/04/2023 15:47

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/04/2023 11:52

Latetotothefishing I would rather lose the money than get roped into activities I don't want to do. Yes, OP should have checked everything but she doesn't know anybody but the bride and somebody else is arranging. It's difficult to keep tabs on what is being spent when you have a group of friends (which you are not part of), arranging goodness knows what and egging each other on because they all enjoy this.

If you don't wish to consider sunk-costs-fallacy then don't, but no need to be sniffy with posters who think/feel differently to you. We're all drawing on our own experiences here and since the only person OP knows is the bride then there aren't friendships to be lost.

OP has options and has said that she's going to go. She should decide exactly what she wants to do and draw the line there. If sitting with a book is it then so be it; it's HER time away from her family.

Did you even read my post?
I literally said that in her position that's exactly what I WOULD do - i.e. go but not do the more expensive activities I didn't fancy. It was OP who said she would look like a loser sitting alone on the beach and I specifically disagreed and said she wouldn't and its normal for not everyone to do everything on a big group holiday !

What do you mean given the only person she knows is the bride then there aren't friendships to be lost? Doesn't the bride count as a friend?
If she tells the bride she will come then backs out last minute and doesn't pay for the room (that she's supposed to be sharing with the bride!) that's not exactly conducive to friendship?

YOU would rather lose the money than do things you don't want to do. I wouldn't. People are allowed to have different opinions and voicing them is literally what a chat forum is for! Plus OP has a third option- tell the friends now that she doesn't want to do the additional elements before they are paid for so she neither has to do them nor loses any money - which, again, is exactly what I suggested she should do!

JLM1981 · 11/04/2023 15:51

Go. Go to the Beach Club it will be fun. But stop there and as others have said don't join in on the other activities if you genuinely can't afford to. Learn from it and don't feel guilty. You only live once. Continue to raise a little 'slush fund' by using eBay/Vinted and any other ways to raise extra cash 😁

Mari9999 · 11/04/2023 15:52

If you never travel, think of this as the 3 or 4 weekend trips that you did not take. If this is forcing your family to do without basics or essentials , then certainly you should not go; but beyond that , why not go? Something about this experience excited you and made you willing to consider this trip .

There is never any absolute certainty that a travel experience is going to live up to all of our expectations so the uncertainty is nothing unique to this experience.

If your partner is guilting you over an expenditure which you are paying for through resources that you earned and saved, that is a problem of a different sort.

There is

allmyliesaretrue · 11/04/2023 16:08

PrettyMaybug · 11/04/2023 14:57

Yeah like fuck would I be spending £1000 on attending someone's shitty hen do LOL! 😆 I would bail now while you still can.

If my DH said he was going to a stag and it was gonna cost £400-ish, and the costs kept spiralling and were hurtling towards passing 4 figures, I'd put my foot down too.

@HotPotato2 Your partner is right to be pissed off. You're a wife and mother with 2 kids. Squandering a GRAND on a stupid party is reckless and irresponsible. Just cut and run. Don't go. And YES I'd say this to a man (a dad) too!!!

And saying 'it's not his money' is a bit of a shit thing to say. It's still family money. I can only imagine the furore on here if a MAN was doing what you're doing!

You sound like a right barrel of laughs. This is the OP’s friend’s “shitty hen do” that you are being so bitchy about and dismissive of!!!

Not all of us are your level of controlling either!

allmyliesaretrue · 11/04/2023 16:12

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 15:09

Yes - obviously she can spend her own money how she likes. That wasn't my point. My point was that she can't object to him spending his own money in the same way, should that situation arise.

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Why keep on about a hypothetical situation?!!

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 11/04/2023 16:12

HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 09:10

I appreciate all the comments 😊 some very positive - I think a lot of is down to guilt but I also have read some of reviews of the places we are going and they are awful so I just feel a bit gutted that I'm spending that much and what I will get for my money is going to be disappointing. The beach club has horrendous reviews! And the £70 meal out place we are going to has awful reviews too

1 You will have well earned a fun break for being a hard working Mum. Why not let this be the start of many more?! Don't feel guilty and don't let your husband put on the guilt either, tell him "I made the money myself and deserve a break, kill joy!? LAUGH"
Why don't you mention on the group chat that the restaurant reviews aren't great and suggest a couple of (cheaper) alternatives, same for the beach club!? Will they search your bags? If not, take a half bottle of something with you or miniatures to save yourself £50?
Good luck and enjoy xxx

beAsensible1 · 11/04/2023 16:15

OP i think you should go and have a good time!

start tucking a bit aside so its no so much of a big hit. Forget reviews as once you're there you'll not even notice unless its abysmal.

Plan all the packing and outfits so you don't need to buy anything extra and limit your spending.

Enjoy !!!

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:17

Surely someone else can share a room with the hen if you pull out?

However much you think it will be the costs will spiral even more once you’re there. They will expect you to pay your share on all activities even if you decide not to do them, as they will have factored in your contribution beforehand. How will you ensure you only pay for what you eat or drink rather than splitting the bill for example? Have you factored in airport transfer fees?

allmyliesaretrue · 11/04/2023 16:17

latetothefisting · 11/04/2023 15:47

Did you even read my post?
I literally said that in her position that's exactly what I WOULD do - i.e. go but not do the more expensive activities I didn't fancy. It was OP who said she would look like a loser sitting alone on the beach and I specifically disagreed and said she wouldn't and its normal for not everyone to do everything on a big group holiday !

What do you mean given the only person she knows is the bride then there aren't friendships to be lost? Doesn't the bride count as a friend?
If she tells the bride she will come then backs out last minute and doesn't pay for the room (that she's supposed to be sharing with the bride!) that's not exactly conducive to friendship?

YOU would rather lose the money than do things you don't want to do. I wouldn't. People are allowed to have different opinions and voicing them is literally what a chat forum is for! Plus OP has a third option- tell the friends now that she doesn't want to do the additional elements before they are paid for so she neither has to do them nor loses any money - which, again, is exactly what I suggested she should do!

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this plus sometimes if you push yourself a little out of your comfort zone you might actually enjoy ^it?? OP can’t let the bride down now. It would be such a cruel mean thing to do, and anyone who thinks she should just please herself now after going along with it so long must be a fucking shitty, unreliable ‘friend’!!

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:19

allmyliesaretrue · 11/04/2023 16:17

this plus sometimes if you push yourself a little out of your comfort zone you might actually enjoy ^it?? OP can’t let the bride down now. It would be such a cruel mean thing to do, and anyone who thinks she should just please herself now after going along with it so long must be a fucking shitty, unreliable ‘friend’!!

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What a load of nonsense. It’s just a hen party. It’s not even the wedding itself.

Ktime · 11/04/2023 16:23

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:17

Surely someone else can share a room with the hen if you pull out?

However much you think it will be the costs will spiral even more once you’re there. They will expect you to pay your share on all activities even if you decide not to do them, as they will have factored in your contribution beforehand. How will you ensure you only pay for what you eat or drink rather than splitting the bill for example? Have you factored in airport transfer fees?

The rooms have all been paid for all the attendees.

The chances of the hen finding someone else to attend in OP's place are slim. The new person would need to pay £400 the room and also the cost of a flight, which likely will be much more than £200 now.

OP should go and have a good time.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 16:24

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:17

Surely someone else can share a room with the hen if you pull out?

However much you think it will be the costs will spiral even more once you’re there. They will expect you to pay your share on all activities even if you decide not to do them, as they will have factored in your contribution beforehand. How will you ensure you only pay for what you eat or drink rather than splitting the bill for example? Have you factored in airport transfer fees?

@Mirabai

she can’t let the bride down now
not unless she doesn’t mind losing the friendship

Comfies · 11/04/2023 16:24

Sounds awful to me, but you want to go and you've already paid a decent chunk of the money. So I would go now and make the best of it. Do the beach bar and meal, but maybe not the tour or something?

It isn't great. Your DH attitude is going to put a dampner on things too! Not helpful of him, but if money's tight, I do see his point.

At least now you can say you've been on a hen do abroad and you don't need to go on another unless it suits you.

I do think these sorts of hen parties work better when everyone's child free and fancy free tbh or maybe when kids are older.

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:25

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 16:24

@Mirabai

she can’t let the bride down now
not unless she doesn’t mind losing the friendship

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Of course she can. I wouldn’t want a friend of mine overspending on my account. If she’s a good friend and a decent person she will understand. If she’s not, no loss.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 16:25

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:19

What a load of nonsense. It’s just a hen party. It’s not even the wedding itself.

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@Mirabai

the bride will be pissed at her if she pulls out now. And with good reason. No one like a flakey friend who pulls out of a big event at the 11th hour. Hen dos might not be a big deal to you but they are to lots of other people

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:27

Ktime · 11/04/2023 16:23

The rooms have all been paid for all the attendees.

The chances of the hen finding someone else to attend in OP's place are slim. The new person would need to pay £400 the room and also the cost of a flight, which likely will be much more than £200 now.

OP should go and have a good time.

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It’s probably not impossible to find someone else who’d like to come along.

But if not it should be possible to switch rooms. They just need to swap a double for a single.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 16:27

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:25

Of course she can. I wouldn’t want a friend of mine overspending on my account. If she’s a good friend and a decent person she will understand. If she’s not, no loss.

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@Mirabai

op isn’t over spending though
she said she can afford she’s just been made to feel guilty by her husband so is now having second thoughts

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:30

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 16:27

@Mirabai

op isn’t over spending though
she said she can afford she’s just been made to feel guilty by her husband so is now having second thoughts

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It is for her. She’s feeling guilty as the money could have bought a holiday with the kids. And it’s true.

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:32

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 16:25

@Mirabai

the bride will be pissed at her if she pulls out now. And with good reason. No one like a flakey friend who pulls out of a big event at the 11th hour. Hen dos might not be a big deal to you but they are to lots of other people

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Perhaps my friends are more intelligent and accommodating than the people you’re around.

People have to pull out of events for all kinds of reasons, you always need a back plan.

Ktime · 11/04/2023 16:35

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:27

It’s probably not impossible to find someone else who’d like to come along.

But if not it should be possible to switch rooms. They just need to swap a double for a single.

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If the room has been booked on a non-refundable rate, the hotel is unlikely to allow a swap to a cheaper room (in my experience).

I can't imagine the hen will find anyone else to attend.

Ktime · 11/04/2023 16:37

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:32

Perhaps my friends are more intelligent and accommodating than the people you’re around.

People have to pull out of events for all kinds of reasons, you always need a back plan.

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I think most people agree to attend a hen do knowing that if you pull out, you forfeit any money you have already paid for accommodation and activities.

The comment about intelligence is a low blow. A good friend wouldn't want to see her friends out of pocket.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 16:38

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:30

It is for her. She’s feeling guilty as the money could have bought a holiday with the kids. And it’s true.

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@Mirabai

so?? The kids will have other holidays in their lifetime, plenty. Op might not get this chance to go away with pals abroad for a hen do like this again

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 16:40

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 16:30

It is for her. She’s feeling guilty as the money could have bought a holiday with the kids. And it’s true.

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@Mirabai

so??

and yes it’s for her. So what?

What’s so bad about money being spent on something just for her??
the poor woman has never been away without her kids for like ten years! It’s about time some money got spent for her benefit and hers only