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Original poster

AIBU Going on a Hen Do Abroad

319 replies

HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 08:37

I've never been on a girls Hen Do away and this one is abroad. I got very excited when I was invited there is only 5 of us going for 3 nights so assumed it would be quite laid back. and I committed to flights without knowing the accommodation costs and itinerary and things have got out of hand! Which in hindsight I should have asked first.
I have 2 kids 12 and 9 and have never left them before, obviously they will be with their dad and well looked after so I'm terribly nervous about that. But thought maybe a weekend away would be good and be much cheaper than a family holiday as things are tight this year and we are already going away as a family later in the year. And I've never been away with the girls.

However the costs have spiralled and I feel so guilty as for the amount I am now paying I probably could have done a cheap holiday abroad with the kids.

It's £400 each for accommodation, flights £200 return
But then the activities have got out of hand, tours for £70, beach clubs for £70 each which does include some food, a meal out £70 each and I feel like I now cannot say no as I will lose the money I have already paid and I cannot exactly go and not participate in the activities for a hen do, the beach club is all afternoon and I know the drinks will cost a fortune while I'm there cos you are stuck there. I wrongly assumed that we might just explore the city during the day and go shopping or something,

My Partner is going mad about it now, but I work obviously so its not his money but in hindsight could of been better spent

I'm gutted I feel like I have completed wasted some of my savings, do think there is any way I can get out of it or am I just going to have to suck it up now? Do you think I am over-reacting and probably have a really good time??
Realistically I will probs not get to go one again abroad. Am I just being over anxious, I'm not a natural spender and definitely a saver so this is a lot for me!!

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 11/04/2023 09:15

If you can afford it then go and have a great time. Your kids will be totally fine, you’ll have to leave them at some point (I mean, I’m pretty shocked it’s taken until this age). It sounds fun

HarrietStyles · 11/04/2023 09:19

I don’t think it would be rude to sit out on a few of the activities. If any more are suggested just politely say that you can’t spend more money on activities, but you are absolutely fine to go lay by the pool and chill while others go off to do it. I would go to the Beach Club, but not buy drinks there - take a big bottle of water and say you are hungover from the night before and just want to rehydrate that day. As others have said - it sounds like the biggest concern is Mum guilt, which is a pain in the ass and we all get it. Happy Mum = happy family. You deserve a few selfish days away to relax, have fun, be you again without children. Your kids will be absolutely fine with their Dad - maybe you could book a few fun things for them while you are away, to ease your guilt? Book cinema tickets, big tub of pic&mix etc.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 11/04/2023 09:20

How the actual fuck is is £400 each for the accommodation alone when you're sharing a room?

Nousernamesleftatall · 11/04/2023 09:20

Honestly I think you have the money but are looking for excuses. All restaurants have some bad reviews. Go and make the most of it. You only live once.

Gerwurtztraminer · 11/04/2023 09:21

Bobbybobbins · 11/04/2023 09:06

Options:

Cancel completely
Go but don't do expensive activities eg beach club
Go but limit spends eg don't buy drinks at beach club
Go and do everything

Personally I would be upfront that you are finding the activity costs high. Others may then agree. Personally I would go but not do expensive activities and just chill on beach by myself that afternoon!

Totally agree these are the choices.

Some of those activities won't be booked yet just planned so there is time to either opt out or suggest something cheaper. Do your research and find out things that everyone might enjoy but which are cheaper/free for example nice local walks.

Decide what you can and can't afford overall for the rest of the trip fo food/alcohol/activities and decide what you can do within that limit. You need to tell them now that the trip has already gone over your budget and won't be able to join in on everything, so bride to be and others aren't taken by surprise when you get there and start saying you can't do things or you get anxious about the spending.

For the beach club I'd not go and spend time on your own reading a book or exploring, it's nice to have time by yourself when with a group. Or if you do go just stick to water or soft-drinks. It's doesn't have to be a piss up. Ditto the dinner, find somewhere cheaper and suggest that, or tell them you can only pay for what you eat/drink (so you just have a starter or whatever) and not £70 per person.

You just have to be pleasant but clear that you don't have an unlimited budget but are happy for them to do things without you.

whoruntheworldgirls · 11/04/2023 09:21

I would skip the beach club and spend that time exploring, it's a lot of money plus the drinks while there, I wouldn't enjoy that either. If you don't want to go out alone go get a bottle of wine and chill on the balcony with a book/ipad movie

Fandabedodgy · 11/04/2023 09:26

Jeezo £1K for a hen do.

(Mine was a meal in an Italian restaurant and some drinks. Probably £30 a head.)

These this are obscene now. I really feel for you OP and I'm not surprised your DH is unhappy.

As others have said you need to asset yourself.

EggyBreads · 11/04/2023 09:33

Presumably if there is only 5 of you going you are all good friends? Who is organising this?

TheFullPicnic · 11/04/2023 09:34

OP, I think it will be a great experience to have adult / friends time. You have never had a night away from your kids, your whole focus is ‘money is wasted if not spent on kids’. Remember the excitement when you were first invited? That’s because you will have a laugh, see a new place, have time not in role as Mum and DW.

OK, cut back on some of the added spend if you don’t actually want to do it, and be clear. ‘Hey peeps, I am getting over my affordability thread hold now so might not splash out on xyz activities’.

And quit the guilt. Do not be mooning over messages with the kids while you are away. Focus on having a good time. A holiday!

goingforalovelywalk · 11/04/2023 09:35

I was recently in similiar situation. A spa weekend was proposed to which we all agreed, except the friend booking it proposed the £700pp all inclusive option (for 2 nights/lovely dinner/champagne tea etc). By the time I totted up travel plus drinks (and contributing to all the little prezzies/games for the bride), it was also going to be near £1k too.

In the end I proposed that we have a couple of options...one for those who wanted to stay the full two days and then a 'budget option' for those who wanted to do one night or maybe just come for the main meal/drinks minus spa treatments. It was a big group and worked out pretty well as there were people arriving at different parts of the weekend and it kept things fresh.

Bit harder to do when you're abroad but perhaps you can say you're working to a budget and as a result will need to not attend every activity (E.g the tours etc). Also £70pp for a meal out seems a lot so could you suggest some cheaper options too?

When I'm organising things I always try to be aware that people will have different budgets and expectations. Hopefully if they're good friends they'll understand this too.

Crunchymum · 11/04/2023 09:41

Given there is only 5 of you, I think it will be difficult to pull out of anything (the whole trip / some of the activities) as one person down will be so noticeable. Has anyone else mentioned they are struggling to afford it all?

Why oh why do people do this though? Plan extravagant trips that their friends can't afford. I don't know the ins and outs of my close friends and families finances but I would know the ballpark in what they can afford. Essentially no-one in my social circle has a spare grand kicking about for a hen do.

Prinnny · 11/04/2023 09:42

If you want to go then you just need to role with it at this point and enjoy it, you said yes for a reason remember! If money is an issue then just be sensible with choices, eg don’t drink alcohol at the beach club and don’t order excessively at the expensive restaurant. Could you suggest some lower cost places to the group or are the plans set now?

Piscesmumma1978 · 11/04/2023 09:50

I wouldn't do the activities and would enjoy that time to myself. If you say you can't afford them it might prompt them to reduce other costs?

Go and enjoy it. You can save again for a family holiday.

Backinntheroom · 11/04/2023 09:57

Oh dear - it will be so difficult not to drink and if you all go out to eat, you can guarantee that the bill will be split equally and the party will pay the bride's share, so whether you drink/eat a smalll about or not, you will be stung.

I wouldn't normally suggest dropping out, but is there any valid reason or can you have a sudden bout of Covid? You may have to suck up what you have already laid out, but at least you won't be there and feeling awful/worrying about money

Original poster
HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 09:58

I only know the hen!
The bridesmaids are organising and they have picked some really expensive places where you have book and pay upfront £70 per person, really touristy pretentious places
They always want to split the bill too.
I honestly think I will lose the money for the accommodation which is £400 or I could plead with the Hen and change the flights I booked but to be honest she might fall out with me over it if I pull out.
The itinerary has got even more out of hand since I last posted to be honest.
I'm sitting crying as just don't know what I'm going to do

OP posts:
nzeire · 11/04/2023 10:01

Go and enjoy every minute, you deserve it

i get that you are anxious, your partners cross and there is guilt… however, you signed up because you wanted to go, you wanted that experience

someone suggested putting out a message now, saying you were at your limit and hope no one minds but you will sit out the beach club, just say it’s important for you to have a little time out also

you have savings, you’ve fronted 600 quid. Sell some stuff, do some babysitting, keep your spending super low for the next few weeks

enjoy x

StarryBarry · 11/04/2023 10:03

£400 pp accommodation cost is really high. That seems a warning that the weekend is going to be expensive.

Send a message to the group saying the costs are much higher than you anticipated, you want to come but can’t commit to any extras.

CeriB82 · 11/04/2023 10:05

I think hen do’s are getting out of control. I declined an invitation to one last weekend. Stripper and drinking out of plastic willy straws with team bride sash and a bunch of screechy 20 yr olds is hell.

and im not going to one this weekend neither. Same girls and lasagne and chips in a private room in a pub for £30. Makes me wonder what shit they have planned and another team bride sash.

im 48. Im done with doing things to please others.

if you don’t want to go, now is the time to own up. These organisers don’t know when to stop.

Mycoffeemugismassive · 11/04/2023 10:09

I think you need to have a frank chat with them about the costs. £400 when you’re sharing a room seems extortionate to be honest. As for the activities I’m presuming that they are estimating the costs to pay for the hen and including alcohol.

Room wise - you say you’re sharing with the hen - are you paying the full cost for that room perhaps?? With the rest of them splitting the cost with who they are sharing a room with?

Rewis · 11/04/2023 10:09

Do you have a group chat? Just say that the activities are too expensive for your budget and you're haply to pick few to join and have no issues if they will go and you're happy to explore by yourself.

I love it when people in my hobby or friend group flst out say that it is too expensive. Then it's easier to make plans. Don't empty your savings for this.

howlismoving · 11/04/2023 10:14

You will enjoy it when you are there I imagine because it sounds really fun! If you can actually afford it but you're just feeling guilty about spending money on yourself then you should give yourself a break!

If you actually can't afford it and you desperately need to save this money then that's a different story and may require you to pull out of some of the activities or the whole thing all together as others have suggested. I'm sure others in the group are feeling nervous about it if it's getting a bit out of hand and there are ways to talk about it without causing a big fuss. You could say to the organiser directly (not the hen) that the total is now £X and your expectation was £X so you can't join any extra activities on top of the ones booked / need to pull out of some of them. That is totally reasonable!

Unbridezilla · 11/04/2023 10:17

Valid8me · 11/04/2023 08:52

I'm not why you expected a hen party abroad to involve exploring a city and shopping tbh Confused

Because it's not exactly unheard of. The abroad hen dos I've been to are much more like this, rather than the beach club kind (which is not my, nor my friendship group's thing at all)

Hen dos don't follow a prescriptive activity list, they're as individual as the people involved.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 11/04/2023 10:17

OP you really do need to take a deep breath and use some of the polite but firm suggestions already posted to take your self out of any more activities.

If you are participating in many but not all activities I do T think anyone can have a problem with that. The person organising should be mindful of cost and have a few ££ activities but also a few that are cheaper.

I can understand totally why this is stressing you out

Crabwoman · 11/04/2023 10:19

Are you worried that the cost is too high because you can't afford it?

Or are you worried the cost is too high because you feel guilty about leaving the kids, feel all money should be spent on them and DH is grumbling?

The decision is yours to make, and you'll need to weigh up the consequences of pulling out or staying in. But it's worth considering what is making you feel bad. If it's the latter then maybe you do need to go. Girlie weekends away can be so invigorating and affirming.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 11/04/2023 10:19

For the record it's perfectly possible to have a cracking mini break in the sun for less than this is costing. Some people get carried away with emulating the TOWIE/Kardashian beach club lifestyle unfortunately