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Original poster

AIBU Going on a Hen Do Abroad

319 replies

HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 08:37

I've never been on a girls Hen Do away and this one is abroad. I got very excited when I was invited there is only 5 of us going for 3 nights so assumed it would be quite laid back. and I committed to flights without knowing the accommodation costs and itinerary and things have got out of hand! Which in hindsight I should have asked first.
I have 2 kids 12 and 9 and have never left them before, obviously they will be with their dad and well looked after so I'm terribly nervous about that. But thought maybe a weekend away would be good and be much cheaper than a family holiday as things are tight this year and we are already going away as a family later in the year. And I've never been away with the girls.

However the costs have spiralled and I feel so guilty as for the amount I am now paying I probably could have done a cheap holiday abroad with the kids.

It's £400 each for accommodation, flights £200 return
But then the activities have got out of hand, tours for £70, beach clubs for £70 each which does include some food, a meal out £70 each and I feel like I now cannot say no as I will lose the money I have already paid and I cannot exactly go and not participate in the activities for a hen do, the beach club is all afternoon and I know the drinks will cost a fortune while I'm there cos you are stuck there. I wrongly assumed that we might just explore the city during the day and go shopping or something,

My Partner is going mad about it now, but I work obviously so its not his money but in hindsight could of been better spent

I'm gutted I feel like I have completed wasted some of my savings, do think there is any way I can get out of it or am I just going to have to suck it up now? Do you think I am over-reacting and probably have a really good time??
Realistically I will probs not get to go one again abroad. Am I just being over anxious, I'm not a natural spender and definitely a saver so this is a lot for me!!

OP posts:
Ktime · 11/04/2023 14:41

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 14:33

I think you'll have to go now you've sunk that much money, but you can't object if your partner decides to blow £1k on a stag weekend instead of putting it towards a family holiday.

As the OP says she is spending her own money, it wouldn't surprise me if this prince was financially abusive.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 14:46

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 14:33

I think you'll have to go now you've sunk that much money, but you can't object if your partner decides to blow £1k on a stag weekend instead of putting it towards a family holiday.

@Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick

fine
op is spending her own money
he can spend his own money
Everyone happy

Ale12 · 11/04/2023 14:47

If it were me I would go and enjoy it. You only live once, mum guilt is so unfair- have fun, don't dwell on it, see it as a one off and don't let others make you feel guilty either. I would love to go abroad on a hen do,never been on one either. It's unfortunate that the costs have racked up I agree but if you were to ever get invited to one abroad In the future it'll probably cost even more than it would doing it now.

allmyliesaretrue · 11/04/2023 14:53

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 14:33

I think you'll have to go now you've sunk that much money, but you can't object if your partner decides to blow £1k on a stag weekend instead of putting it towards a family holiday.

How do you know he hasn't?

medusawashere · 11/04/2023 14:55

Fuck that, OP. Go and enjoy yourself with your friend. The worst thing you can do is overthink it and go nuts on the review reading. I'm sorry it's expensive and that your suggestions for cost cutting seem to have been shot down. As you rightly say, you can pay the small deposit for the beach club now and then back out if you've spent too much by then and need to chill. Not sure why your partner is having a say about this either if it's your money and he doesn't have to babysit? He needs to take a seat and be quiet :D

cherish123 · 11/04/2023 14:56

I would not pull out. Still go but say you can only commit to flight and accommodation costs. Say you can't commit to beach club and £70 restaurant costs. Say you will eat with them but on a pay as you, pay for yourself basis. If they are going to the beach club for a day, could you entertain yourself for the day?

PrettyMaybug · 11/04/2023 14:57

Yeah like fuck would I be spending £1000 on attending someone's shitty hen do LOL! 😆 I would bail now while you still can.

If my DH said he was going to a stag and it was gonna cost £400-ish, and the costs kept spiralling and were hurtling towards passing 4 figures, I'd put my foot down too.

@HotPotato2 Your partner is right to be pissed off. You're a wife and mother with 2 kids. Squandering a GRAND on a stupid party is reckless and irresponsible. Just cut and run. Don't go. And YES I'd say this to a man (a dad) too!!!

And saying 'it's not his money' is a bit of a shit thing to say. It's still family money. I can only imagine the furore on here if a MAN was doing what you're doing!

MsRosley · 11/04/2023 14:58

Yeah, I'd go and do my own thing while I was there. Even just reading by the pool would be great.

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 15:08

allmyliesaretrue · 11/04/2023 14:53

How do you know he hasn't?

Show quote history

I don't, but I imagine the OP would have said so as it's a salient fact if he's objecting to her doing it.

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 15:09

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 14:46

@Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick

fine
op is spending her own money
he can spend his own money
Everyone happy

Show quote history

Yes - obviously she can spend her own money how she likes. That wasn't my point. My point was that she can't object to him spending his own money in the same way, should that situation arise.

Ooolaaaala · 11/04/2023 15:11

You obviously were excited and motivated to this experience when you agreed to go and must have committed to some idea of costs in your head?

If it’s going over try to not think this meal out is £70 - but maybe it’s £20 more than I had anticipated.

I think if you embrace it positively and are open with your expectations of a bit of an adventure, going with the flow you will get a great experience out of it.

These opportunities don’t come round too often as you get older…..

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 15:13

PrettyMaybug · 11/04/2023 14:57

Yeah like fuck would I be spending £1000 on attending someone's shitty hen do LOL! 😆 I would bail now while you still can.

If my DH said he was going to a stag and it was gonna cost £400-ish, and the costs kept spiralling and were hurtling towards passing 4 figures, I'd put my foot down too.

@HotPotato2 Your partner is right to be pissed off. You're a wife and mother with 2 kids. Squandering a GRAND on a stupid party is reckless and irresponsible. Just cut and run. Don't go. And YES I'd say this to a man (a dad) too!!!

And saying 'it's not his money' is a bit of a shit thing to say. It's still family money. I can only imagine the furore on here if a MAN was doing what you're doing!

@PrettyMaybug

what nonsense you speak!

how do you know it would be shitty?

how exactly would you “put your foot down” and stop your husband?

MouseMama · 11/04/2023 15:14

By the way the fact you’re budgeting for this is completely normal and no one can legitimately think you’re some sort of killjoy for not having unlimited financial resources.
The last hen party I organised was a budget activity weekend in cheap dorms in the Brecon Beacons. The extravagance was having a catering company cook us dinner one night for about £20 a head at our house. Still multiple people messaged to say it’s all too expensive and I just said they could come for the day if they wanted or make their own plan to celebrate with the bride. Actually weirdly one of them was incredibly wealthy and so I guess she just had different financial priorities.
You have dependents so obviously you’re not blowing all your excess cash on a girls weekend - just communicate with the group and the bride that you have a budget so you can do x, y and z. Maybe suggest a cheaper restaurant. Sounds like I would feel old at the beach club and would have much more fun sitting with my friends drinking some cava on the beach and chatting but if they want to go just leave them to it.
Just enjoy yourself and if they’re hung over one morning bounce out of bed and go buy some eggs bread and juice and make them breakfast :)

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 15:15

@PrettyMaybug

also you sound so joyless and bogged down by motherhood I think you could really do with a good party - a hen do especially!

you are so wrong - when you a parent it is not true that every penny you earn is family money, it’s not! Not every penny you earn has to be spent on the kids. Op hasn’t had a weekend away from her kids since they were born - how on earth can you say that this would be a waste of money, it will do her the power of good!

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 15:17

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 15:09

Yes - obviously she can spend her own money how she likes. That wasn't my point. My point was that she can't object to him spending his own money in the same way, should that situation arise.

Show quote history

@Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick

i don’t think op has said she would object to him
doing the same at some point has she?

theresnolimits · 11/04/2023 15:20

Go. Just go. If you're sharing with the bride, you're obviously close.

Maybe it's a few hundred more than you expected. But you won't remember that in a month, a year or ten years' time. You'll be making memories and remembering who you were before you had children. And even if they're crap memories, it will be a laugh in a few years and you'll be proud of yourself that you stepped out of your comfort zone.

You say you have your own money. Don't discuss it with your OH. I bet they've been loads of time since you had children that you didn't do things and you gave up things. Your children are older and it's your time now. Life is short. Have some fun.

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 15:22

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/04/2023 15:17

@Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick

i don’t think op has said she would object to him
doing the same at some point has she?

Show quote history

No, she hasn't mentioned it. I was merely putting forward a hypothetical situation.

Ladybug14 · 11/04/2023 15:23

I get the impression that after doing your research and bearing in mind what your partner has said, you'd rather not go because the cost will outweigh the fun

But you're worried about letting down the bride (who is the only person you know who is going to the Hen do)

It is difficult.

If you don't feel that you can cut back (ie spend time alone whilst the others spend money) because that will also piss everyone off..... you either spend £1k or pull out and make up the lost money over the next few months on vinted/ebay

It will affect your friendship with the bride, I expect, but you have to live your life, not hers

ReliantRobyn · 11/04/2023 15:25

Given the itinerary you'd be naive to think you will have change from £2000 from the weekend so just be prepared / move savings to ne ready.

5128gap · 11/04/2023 15:25

Oh, stop being so daft and go and have fun OP. I'm betting its been 12 years since you did something like this just for you. Hardly selfish are you? And if you think you could have had a family holiday abroad for £600, please send me the link, because I've not seen anything that cheap for 4 people. If it makes you feel better, cut down a bit when you get home and save up for the next time you treat the kids. But do not let anything spoil this one off for you. You deserve it.

Ktime · 11/04/2023 15:26

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 15:22

No, she hasn't mentioned it. I was merely putting forward a hypothetical situation.

Show quote history

Well I'm putting across the hypothetical situation that her partner also expects OP to pay for child care costs herself if she wants to work.

Lovelyring · 11/04/2023 15:28

If you are only friends with the hen, who cares if the others think you're a kill joy.

I would go but wouldn't go to all the activities and wouldn't have qualms about it. Personally I'd say no to the beach club and go off to see the sights and meet them again later. Or if I felt compelled to go I'd just be drinking tap water and refuse to split the bill, since I hardly drink either.

Dustybarn · 11/04/2023 15:30

A PP raised a good question - as you are sharing with the bride are you carrying her part of the room costs? I’d go online and check the hotel rates on the hotel website or a booking website. It does sound a lot!

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 11/04/2023 15:31

OP I'm wondering if you've been initially excited about getting away minus family responsibilities (no judging I've only done it once in 14 years and loved it but it was lower key) but maybe deep down the hen do and related expenses aren't what you would have chosen.

You deserve a break away for sure but I guess you need to be sure if you are going to drop this much cash on a break by yourself is this event "The One " so to speak.

thecathasbeenfed · 11/04/2023 15:33

If the bulk of the money is already lost then put your positive pants on and just go!

You'll experience new stuff and things you'd never do normally so just embrace it I reckon Wink

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