AIBU Going on a Hen Do Abroad

[HotPotato2]

I've never been on a girls Hen Do away and this one is abroad. I got very excited when I was invited there is only 5 of us going for 3 nights so assumed it would be quite laid back. and I committed to flights without knowing the accommodation costs and itinerary and things have got out of hand! Which in hindsight I should have asked first.
I have 2 kids 12 and 9 and have never left them before, obviously they will be with their dad and well looked after so I'm terribly nervous about that. But thought maybe a weekend away would be good and be much cheaper than a family holiday as things are tight this year and we are already going away as a family later in the year. And I've never been away with the girls.

However the costs have spiralled and I feel so guilty as for the amount I am now paying I probably could have done a cheap holiday abroad with the kids.

It's £400 each for accommodation, flights £200 return
But then the activities have got out of hand, tours for £70, beach clubs for £70 each which does include some food, a meal out £70 each and I feel like I now cannot say no as I will lose the money I have already paid and I cannot exactly go and not participate in the activities for a hen do, the beach club is all afternoon and I know the drinks will cost a fortune while I'm there cos you are stuck there. I wrongly assumed that we might just explore the city during the day and go shopping or something,

My Partner is going mad about it now, but I work obviously so its not his money but in hindsight could of been better spent

I'm gutted I feel like I have completed wasted some of my savings, do think there is any way I can get out of it or am I just going to have to suck it up now? Do you think I am over-reacting and probably have a really good time??
Realistically I will probs not get to go one again abroad. Am I just being over anxious, I'm not a natural spender and definitely a saver so this is a lot for me!!

There are many people who don't go away with friends because if they do it means there is no family holiday that year. That was the case for us when our kids were little. I would simply have not gone on the hen weekend that OP describes because it would have put the rest of my family at a disadvantage. I would have felt no guilt whatsoever at leaving the children with DH in charge, but I WOULD have felt guilt at depriving the other 3 of a holiday. If a woman came on here and said that DH was spending money on stag trips abroad so it meant no family holiday for them that year, I bet he would get slated for it on here and rightly so.

So it all depends on OP's financial situation. Some people will think nothing of spending a grand on a hen weekend abroad as their income means it isn't really that much. But for me that's nearly a month's salary and it would mean a week's holiday in Wales for our family holiday (if that) instead of a trip abroad with them.

I'm assuming your family holiday later in the year is all paid for? And you'll have enough spending money by then? It's a bit concerning if not, particularly because you say that things are tight for you this year, so sounds like you are stretching yourself for your family holiday and really can't afford this hen weekend. I can't believe the amount of people just telling you to go. I assume they live in totally different financial circumstances to a lot of families.

You've lost the £600 anyway - it's a sunk cost. Pulling out will save you the rest.

I now don't think I am going to enjoy as I don't fancy all the stuff they have planned and not sure about their company.

If you CAN afford this AND your own family holiday as planned, I think you should just try the stuff they have planned as you might find you like it, or some aspects of it. It broadens the mind trying new stuff. However. What is this "not sure about their company" business? Why do you think you're not going to enjoy being with them?

The accommodation costs seem ridiculously high, £400 each?! I’m paying £850 for 5 nights all inclusive for me, a 16 and 12 year old in Majorca in august, so £2k for 3 nights is nuts!

If your friend thinks enough of you to invite you to a hen do with just 5 people, particularly if you're not in a crowd with the others, she would probably be really upset to think that you are sitting at home crying with stress about it. She's your friend, you must tell her. Just call her up, and say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I thought this was a city break sort of thing, and I obviously made a mistake, but we [i.e your family unit] just don't have the available cash to pay for all the activities, without taking more out of our savings which we'd earmarked for [insert choice like annual family holiday, new sofa, whatever], and have an honest chat about whether there's a compromise. Also make it very clear to the organiser well in advance, that (for the same reason you gave the hen) you cannot afford to split the bride's costs, which is another thing people often do, and can get really out of hand.

£850 total??? Where in Majorca is this?

really? have you ever been to a hen party or any social event? This has been planned for months, everyone who the bride wanted to invite will have been invited from the start? Where are they going to find some random person happy to pay £800 plus who isn't going to be insulted they were clearly invited as a last minute back up? What a stupid suggestion.

Here, here 🙌

@Mirabai

this!

your posts on here really indicate that you have never been on a hen do or anything of the like

@mycoffeecup

yeah but if she does go she might MIGHT just enjoy herself !
and therefore the extra wouldn’t be wasted would it ?

Hi OP - I’m a seasoned beach clubber and I can assure you that £70 for the privilege is not a lot at all. Equally, I can see how that can be shocking if you are not used to it. I’m sure that you can have one cocktail and just lounge on your lounger and hang out. You an make the experience as good as you like on your budget. I think that you have committed this far, now just try and enjoy it. Just swim and hang out. Have water, a soda - or nothing at all. Let us know how you get on

@Comfies

not every woman wants to put their lives on hold
until their kids are in their teens

It’s only 3 nights so I think you might be able to get away with spending less. Even if you can cut out activities on one day it will help.

I’d say that you really appreciate all the work they’re putting in. State however you’re going to have to cut some things due to your family budget. Ask which ones won’t affect the cost for everyone else.
No one can argue that you have to come and spend a fortune.

Sounds lush

@CurlyhairedAssassin

a “family holiday” isn’t needed every single year

No I’ve never been to a social event in my life. I’m not aware that people often have more than 4 friends. I’m also unaware that people quite commonly accept later invites for weddings and other social occasions and it’s really up to them. Some hen parties are organised last minute.

right but that's a completely different scenario that's entirely irrelevant to this one....

all guests invited last minute - fine in principle although tbh I've never been to a hen (particularly abroad) that hasn't been planned months in advance, specifically because most people, like OP, have to plan and save for it.

just you invited last minute, (which suggests you already aren't particularly close with any of the other attendees anyway) and added to a group chat where it soon becomes obvious the chat has been running and hen organised for months and you have just been invited as a back up to cover costs because someone else has dropped out - insulting and unlikely most people will say yes to!

Well in my family we would prioritise everyone getting a holiday rather than prioritising finances for just one person to go on an expensive fancy one and the others getting nothing that year. I appreciate other people might choose to do things differently but it doesn’t seem very equitable.

i do understand that some families don’t have money for an annual family holiday but if that were me I would rather save up for a year or two to enable one than to spend a lot of that money on an expensive break for one family member for a hen night. I mean, presumably the bride is having to save for the actual wedding herself so I can’t really see how she is going to be able to afford a fancy hen do abroad in addition, unless it’s all going on plastic or they have a high salary. Ok if that’s what you want to do but you can’t assume that all members of your hen party are in the position to think so individually about finances if they have a family to consider.

Ridiculous comment 👆
She'll probably have a crap few days as the reviews she'd read were poor, she only knows the hen, she's unhappy about the cost already without everything factored in.

Neve having used a beach club before or even been aware of them for ordinary people’s use, what exactly are you paying for when you pay for a beach club if drinks are not included? Who uses them? Is it people who don’t have a pool at their hotel? Who have just rented a little apartment or something that doesn’t come with a pool and/or bar?

the only ones I’ve really come across are for wealthy people who may live in an apartment in Monte Carlo or somewhere or who come in off their yacht. Surely ordinary people on a hen weekend would just book a hotel with pool and bar etc. Why the need to pay extra to then go somewhere else for the day with the same facilities but a bit posher?

That’s the problem. It’s problematic to go on trip like this and be the one saying - you guys go I’ll sit this one out, it sort of kills the group vibe. The group feel bad she’s spending her afternoon/evening alone, pressure her, offer to pay, she declines, it all gets awkward. Then the group, who don’t know her other than the hen, start to resent her for putting a dampener on things. She spends her time worrying about money, so doesn’t have that good a time either.

If you’re going to do this kind of thing you kind of need to go big or go home. Do all or most activities or nothing.

You’re paying for private beach, so it’s all clean and swept, and your own beach hut to put all your stuff and your own comfy sun loungers with umbrellas, and outdoor sofas under awnings, cafe, bar, restaurant for your Frito Misto and cocktails, pedalos and little boats to rent, sports stuff. Some have pools.

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz exactly this! I was very excited at the prospect of a get away in the sun to Barcelona a beautiful city but I would of booked cheaper accommodation and not places where you have pay for a table up front, I would have spent less on it. I hate wasting money.

@Mirabai the beach club is just a pool with loungers so I don't understand what I'm paying for. The £70 does include a meal and a drink though but I made the mistake of reading reviews and they were all bad!
I've never been to a beach club so dont know what to expect