AIBU Going on a Hen Do Abroad

[HotPotato2]

I've never been on a girls Hen Do away and this one is abroad. I got very excited when I was invited there is only 5 of us going for 3 nights so assumed it would be quite laid back. and I committed to flights without knowing the accommodation costs and itinerary and things have got out of hand! Which in hindsight I should have asked first.
I have 2 kids 12 and 9 and have never left them before, obviously they will be with their dad and well looked after so I'm terribly nervous about that. But thought maybe a weekend away would be good and be much cheaper than a family holiday as things are tight this year and we are already going away as a family later in the year. And I've never been away with the girls.

However the costs have spiralled and I feel so guilty as for the amount I am now paying I probably could have done a cheap holiday abroad with the kids.

It's £400 each for accommodation, flights £200 return
But then the activities have got out of hand, tours for £70, beach clubs for £70 each which does include some food, a meal out £70 each and I feel like I now cannot say no as I will lose the money I have already paid and I cannot exactly go and not participate in the activities for a hen do, the beach club is all afternoon and I know the drinks will cost a fortune while I'm there cos you are stuck there. I wrongly assumed that we might just explore the city during the day and go shopping or something,

My Partner is going mad about it now, but I work obviously so its not his money but in hindsight could of been better spent

I'm gutted I feel like I have completed wasted some of my savings, do think there is any way I can get out of it or am I just going to have to suck it up now? Do you think I am over-reacting and probably have a really good time??
Realistically I will probs not get to go one again abroad. Am I just being over anxious, I'm not a natural spender and definitely a saver so this is a lot for me!!

You need more self-confidence so as to give much less of a crap about how this allegedly makes you look to others. So what if it does? Kick back by the pool with a hood book for the afternoon and enjoy it.

and honestly, at your kids’ ages I would look at doing things on your own more often. You’re a person as well as a parent and don’t want to completely break down when they eventually fly the nest.

What would you ‘waste’ by pulling out now £600?

What would you save by not going? Another £600?

It’s basically up to you to consider sunk costs fallacy.

I also think you sound really anxious and have got cold feet emotionally / socially more so than financially as you seem to be looking for excuses to talk you out of it. With group things if you haven’t contributed to the work of planning and research then you don’t get to criticise the choices of the others who have done that effort. If you want to share reviews and have a better alternative then speak up.

A beach club, tour and dinner is basic and those prices are piss cheap IME - what were you expecting? What have you found which is better quality and cheaper?

Not having been away from your DC at age 9 and 12 is unusual. Agree that this is your last chance to do something like this if you haven’t before.

But you need to embrace it - go with the flow - be open to experiences.

Worst thing you can do for yourself and the others is to go and let your social anxiety ruin it for you and then.

Just make a decision based on what you can cope with and what you want to experience.

Does the bride know about the itinerary? If you can't afford it, be honest. If you can but it's not really your thing, I'd say go but be open minded.

Why have you never left your 9 and 12 yr old? is your DH not happy because you are going away and having to parent his DC or is he controlling? I find it sad you are unable to head away for a hen weekend surely after 12 yrs of parenting you are entitled to a break? Go and enjoy yourself

Is there a group chat? Could you say that you are not spending another penny until you get there on the chat.

Every hen do abroad I’ve been on has involved exploring the city and some shopping so I don’t think it is that unexpected. Just depends on the people I guess.

You’ve committed now and already spent a lot. Do some side hustles to soften the blow and don’t feel guilty! It’s ok to spend money on just you.

I go for wknds away with my girlfriends abroad most years. I spend an eye watering amount of money for just a weekend away but have so much fun, it’s definitely worth it to forget that I’m a wife and mother for a few days and just focus on myself and my friends.

Suck up the cash, stop reading reviews, go with the flow and have fun would be my advice.

Why bother going out for a meal somewhere nice when you could have McDonald's?
In fact why have the McDonald's when you can cook at home?
Why go abroad ever when there are places to visit in the UK?
Why get shoes/clothes/make up from anywhere more expensive than primark?
Why bother having a wedding celebration at all, just go to the registry office and have done with it

This bizarre joyless attitude over hen parties is specific to mn and I don't get it. As long as everyone is happy with what is happening and the costs what on earth is wrong with spending time with friends having fun and celebrating a significant life event?

The only problem comes when some people aren't happy with an element - but that's a learning opportunity for OP who should have made clear at the time she can only afford x amount

No idea why people are telling you to cancel completely op as you will still have to pay the money for the flight and accommodation- yes there is a sunk costs fallacy but I would rather pay £800 and get something than £400 for nothing (and piss off my friends)

Your options are

• drop out now but be prepared you will still lose at least the costs of flights and hotel and might very well end up losing some friendships for backing out last minute

• as you seem like you want to go and can technically afford it, just feel guilty go with the attitude that this is likely to be your only "abroad hen" and although it's a bit more than you'd like to pay its OK for a one off experience -I'm sure you otherwise spend lots of time and money on your kids that you'd otherwise spend on yourself, likewise doubt DP never treats himself

• go but try and limit costs by dropping out of one or two things like the all day beach party. I would personally pick this option - you won't look like a weirdo, it's quite common for people to not do everything on big group holidays and tbh it's very likely if you say on the chat I'm sorry but I absolutely can't afford to do x at least one other person will agree. The only Caveat is that you have to do this BEFORE it's all booked and paid for otherwise, same as with accommodation etc once you agree you owe the money and can't expect others to pay for you changing your mind

Do you want to go?

If you can afford it, and want to go, then do it. Sometimes these things turn out more fun than we expected.

How much will you loose if you cancel? You say you've paid it all, if you cancel then the others will have to pay more or get someone to take your place. They may not be sympathetic.

These things do cost more. You need to expect that what you've added up, is likely to increase. If they split bills like you say then you'll be paying for their share if they drink or eat more, not ideal if you're on a budget and trying to keep spends to a min.

These clubs cost a fortune for drinks, would you mind not drinking? Would you enjoy yourself while they get drunk? You can of course opt out of you want.

What about clothing, cosmetics, sun cream, travel ie taxis there, etc have you taken these into account?

I've been to hens abroad and I've never stuck to budget or underspent, it always ended up costing more, even buying a bit of lunch, or drinks for the room etc adds up, usually someone gets a bright idea of clubbing together money for these things and can be difficult to say no. Its a hens, there'll be a lot of drinking, that's going to be expensive alone.

If you decided not to go then just be honest with them. Or if you can afford it, then treat yourself and enjoy. Sometimes we forget how to treat ourselves and not doing it often feels wrong.

You need to look at the money you will lose by pulling out. You have every right to speak up and saying these costs are more than you anticipated

Google “sunk cost fallacy”. Better to lose £600 than £1000. If you’ve never been abroad on a hen you weren’t to know that they always escalate like this. It’s why I’ve always said no (politely!).

I just had my hen do in Tenerife. We went all inclusive so everyone knew exactly how much it would cost prior to committing. I think it's poor whoever organised it didn't at least had a few options or a set budget prior to getting people to commit.

We paid about £450 everything included (incl taxi to and from hotel, car parking at airport etc). Booked in September as I knew costs would go up. 4 star hotel and it was genuinely fantastic. I just wanted to relax and have some cocktails.

£1k or thereabouts is a crazy amount of money. I'd pull out and lose the £200.

Latetotothefishing I would rather lose the money than get roped into activities I don't want to do. Yes, OP should have checked everything but she doesn't know anybody but the bride and somebody else is arranging. It's difficult to keep tabs on what is being spent when you have a group of friends (which you are not part of), arranging goodness knows what and egging each other on because they all enjoy this.

If you don't wish to consider sunk-costs-fallacy then don't, but no need to be sniffy with posters who think/feel differently to you. We're all drawing on our own experiences here and since the only person OP knows is the bride then there aren't friendships to be lost.

OP has options and has said that she's going to go. She should decide exactly what she wants to do and draw the line there. If sitting with a book is it then so be it; it's HER time away from her family.

I wouldn't go out of principle - they have been rather thoughtless hooking you in for £1k which is a lot for any weekend away.

The £600 loss will sting but chalk it up to experience. Or see if someone else can take your place?

If you can afford to go bearing in mind there will be extra costs on top of what you’re allowing for, there’s bound to be extra money needed for drinks/food and unforeseen extra stuff, then go!

Be prepared it might be different to what you’re expecting. The last time I went on a hen weekend (couple of nights away) about 10 women in total, I was shocked at how most of the women behaved. Everyone was either married or attached and once away all but a couple of women partied REALLY hard! LOTS of drinking and most had at a one night stand! It was a real opener.

You clearly need a break!!!! Honestly - these weekends can be so life affirming, esp if you (like me) worry so much about your kids!

having been on so many of these trips, I would totally understand if one person said now that they couldn’t afford eg the beach club. Please be honest - these women are your friends. You can enjoy some downtime alone x

Forget the reviews OP. see it as a once in a lifetime hen experience.

Stop the negative thoughts, you've invested too much money to pull out.

Stop telling your husband the costs, it's your money so treat yourself.

Your children are going to be fine, they're not babies.

Go and let your hair down....rediscover you.

If you can afford it and you pay for it 100% out of your money that you earned, where's the issue? You don't have to spend 100% of your money on your kids, as long as their needs are met.
An expensive hen do sounds like my idea of hell, and very indulgent from the bride's perspective, but if you would enjoy it, go for it!

I'd like to pull out of going to that beach club but then I'm on my own all afternoon and will.look like a right boring twat.

who cares what you (wrongly) think you’ll look like others.

Give the activities you don’t want to do a miss and go off on your own do something else. Be a leader. Not a follower. Be independent and return home feeling as if you’ve grown quite a few inches taller.

I agree - you say yourself the money could be better spent - "better spend" it.

Particularly when you are not on board with many of the activities. You'll end up spending £1,000+ for a weekend that you don't particularly enjoy.

Because we can and because we want to.

It sounds like you want to go but your partner is making you feel guilty. If he was going for a stag at the best part of a grand would you be annoyed? If your finances are separate it’s not really for him to know or get angry about how much it’s costing, and it’s a one off not all the time.

You've already spent £600 on flights and hotel correct OP? You said you made £100 last month. You probably need another £200. I'd go and have a bloody good time and do exactly what I wanted to do in the sunshine. If it meant sitting around the poo with a book - do it.
I think you do need to stand up for yourself a bit more - you could have asked for the costs initially. You could have mentioned you were on a budget to your friends and suggested a perfectly lovely picnic and wine. Group holidays are always a compromise. They wont know about your situation if you don't tell them!

And fully intend to keep doing so at every available opportunity, killjoy!!🙄

@HotPotato2 If this was costing a fraction of what it is - would you be looking forward to it? This is something for you - you deserve to enjoy life too you know. You'd be losing out hugely financially by not going and you'd always look back saying you wish you'd gone. You're committed and you'd be letting others down to pull out now. Be fussy about the activities if you want - sit by the pool and read a book and relax. I bet your partner has been away... it's not his money. Tell him to butt out.

I remember the first time I left my kids - and they were a good deal older than yours, I have to say!! - it was so fucking liberating, it was unreal!! They were absolutely fine, I had a lovely time (including a Beyonce concert in London). It emboldened me to go away with the 'girls' again. I've never done a trip abroad though and I would love to, though I've had a couple of 'girls only' trips with my own now adult daughters, and it's just lovely!

There's only five of you going - presume you are all good friends? - go and enjoy.