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Original poster

AIBU Going on a Hen Do Abroad

319 replies

HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 08:37

I've never been on a girls Hen Do away and this one is abroad. I got very excited when I was invited there is only 5 of us going for 3 nights so assumed it would be quite laid back. and I committed to flights without knowing the accommodation costs and itinerary and things have got out of hand! Which in hindsight I should have asked first.
I have 2 kids 12 and 9 and have never left them before, obviously they will be with their dad and well looked after so I'm terribly nervous about that. But thought maybe a weekend away would be good and be much cheaper than a family holiday as things are tight this year and we are already going away as a family later in the year. And I've never been away with the girls.

However the costs have spiralled and I feel so guilty as for the amount I am now paying I probably could have done a cheap holiday abroad with the kids.

It's £400 each for accommodation, flights £200 return
But then the activities have got out of hand, tours for £70, beach clubs for £70 each which does include some food, a meal out £70 each and I feel like I now cannot say no as I will lose the money I have already paid and I cannot exactly go and not participate in the activities for a hen do, the beach club is all afternoon and I know the drinks will cost a fortune while I'm there cos you are stuck there. I wrongly assumed that we might just explore the city during the day and go shopping or something,

My Partner is going mad about it now, but I work obviously so its not his money but in hindsight could of been better spent

I'm gutted I feel like I have completed wasted some of my savings, do think there is any way I can get out of it or am I just going to have to suck it up now? Do you think I am over-reacting and probably have a really good time??
Realistically I will probs not get to go one again abroad. Am I just being over anxious, I'm not a natural spender and definitely a saver so this is a lot for me!!

OP posts:
BlackFlyChardonnay · 11/04/2023 11:02

I'm not surprised by the costs of the things you've outlined, they all seem fair to me.

If you can afford it, just go and try to enjoy it. It's a one off for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/04/2023 11:03

All of the costs should have been agreed by everybody beforehand. I agree that the £400 accommodation is very high for what seems to be a room shared with the hen? I suspect that the £400 has already included some 'treats' for the hen which you're paying a share of.

As PP have said, ditch the beach club - hangover sounds a good excuse. Be prepared though that your presence has been factored in already so that £70 here and there might have included you, on the assumption that you'll attend.

It doesn't sound life-affirming to me, you don't know anybody other than the hen and the activities sound dire.

Do you know the actual total costs yet, per person?

When you do, ask yourself the question... from what you've already paid out (which is lost), would you feel better to write that off? If so, do. Lesson learned. Don't feel forced to go and hating every minute of it, that's money lost just the same.

Don't cry, you have time to sort this. Cut this off now if that's what you'd feel happier doing. Brew

Bellavida99 · 11/04/2023 11:05

Have you checked the hotel pricing on icelolly.com and sure you’re not being lumbered with whole room cost? Some people think bride should be paid for by hens but for a small group having an expensive hen do abroad this would be really wrong. I feel for you. Most hotels can be cancelled til a few days before or you only pay small deposit so check what is actually paid. Honestly if it’s just the £200 I’d lose it and take bride out for cocktails at home instead and explain cost issues x

Handsnotwands · 11/04/2023 11:06

i got involved with something like this, and eventually i just relaxed, went with the flow and i had the most amazing fun time. made some new friends, enjoyed not being the one making decisions and organising and actually didn't regret a single penny

and TBH £70 for a meal isn't that outside the realms of normal, nor is £70 for a days activity / entertainment

Hey12345 · 11/04/2023 11:07

If the flights and accommodation have already been paid for, go and enjoy yourself. You deserve it. I’ve never been abroad with friends either, but have been on weekend’s away and it’s so refreshing, and makes you appreciate your home life a bit more when you come back!

Original poster
HotPotato2 · 11/04/2023 11:10

The others are up for it, it's just me
I probably could afford it I just think the cost is obscene and I think I've already annoyed the other girls going by speaking up about the costs.
I now sense that I'm going to pay all the money and have a crap time, as I don't think they like me and I think they think I'm being a kill joy,
I'm 40 and never done anything like this before and was really looking forward to it a weekend away but I honestly don't think the things they have picked are my thing they are very showey and insta worthy places.
What's really bugging me is paying 1k for a holiday, I now don't think I am going to enjoy as I don't fancy all the stuff they have planned and not sure about their company.
But I've £600 now for flights and accommodation so I can't lose that xx

OP posts:
TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 11/04/2023 11:10

You deserve to go away since you've never your children!! Your kids also deserve to have some dedicated daddy time. You absolutely can opt out for some of the activities. Just say unashamedly that youd rather not do them due to the cost.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 11/04/2023 11:10

You deserve to go away since you've never your children!! Your kids also deserve to have some dedicated daddy time. You absolutely can opt out for some of the activities. Just say unashamedly that youd rather not do them due to the cost.

Sugargliderwombat · 11/04/2023 11:12

I think go and enjoy it but screenshot the bad reviews and say "oh no! Just getting excited and having a look at what we're doing and came across these! I've had a little look and this alternative looks pretty good, what do you think?"

CiderJolly · 11/04/2023 11:13

It’s only money, you’ve said you can afford it, yeah they might not be places you’d choose but why don’t you go with an open mind and just try and enjoy it? I bet your husband knows you feel guilty and that you never put yourself first- he should be encouraging you to enjoy yourself in this situation in my opinion.

Lostinbrum · 11/04/2023 11:15

Oh dear I'd go now if I was you but would pull out of some of the activities. Try and toughen up a bit, If you already think they don't like you then do more of what you want to do and screw them. Depends how close you are anyway to the hen and her friends

BlackBarbies · 11/04/2023 11:18

Valid8me · 11/04/2023 08:52

I'm not why you expected a hen party abroad to involve exploring a city and shopping tbh Confused

Literally😂 it’s a hen do abroad. You were obviously going to spend quite a bit of dosh

YouveGotToGrooveIt · 11/04/2023 11:18

This is why I am not up for 'holiday' hen does. The tendancy to blow them out of any proportion and pressure people to spend £1000 of their own money is just not for me at all.

There's always then further pressure to cover a big proportion of the bride's costs when you are there.

Then there are costs to go to the wedding itself (outfit, travel, accomodation).

And then a gift will be required.

Wedding attendance and their associated costs have gotten well out of hand, imo.

whatsyourpoison12 · 11/04/2023 11:18

Arapawa · 11/04/2023 09:03

Why couldn't you all just have gone out for a curry locally instead of spending obscene amounts of money going abroad. Why are people still flying when they don't need to? We have a climate crisis as well as everything else. Grrrrr.

I bet you're great fun at parties

CleaningOutMyCloset · 11/04/2023 11:19

Ouch, that's going to be the best part of at least £1000, by the time you take into consideration food and drinks, probably more. I'd swallow the £200, cancel and chalk it up to experience that you ask for costs before you start saying yes.

Not hen do's, but me and a few friends pay an amount into a joint savings account each month (£40) and use it a few times a year to rent an air bnb and have a weekend away once or twice a year. Maybe look at something like this

SunnySaturdayMorning · 11/04/2023 11:19

romdowa · 11/04/2023 08:39

Surely pulling out and loosing 200 quid is far better than spending maybe triple that on a weekend away.

This. You should have thought about this properly. It’s not fair to waste so much money.

drpet49 · 11/04/2023 11:20

I hate this latest trend of going abroad for hen parties spending an obscene amount of money.

whatsyourpoison12 · 11/04/2023 11:20

am I missing something? if you dont want to go then dont.

if a friend of mine was having a hen do abroad and for whatever reason I couldn't afford it I just wouldn't go. you will not be the only one in this position I can tell you now. its not like you pulling out will ruin the whole trip

the show must go on.

FrenchandSaunders · 11/04/2023 11:21

OP, look at it this way ..... you've never been away for over a decade without your DH/kids ..... if you break down the money (£1K), it's £100 a year for the last decade. Most of us have spent more than that on trips with friends.

Think more positively and have a great time.

whatsyourpoison12 · 11/04/2023 11:21

also beach clubs are probably going to be the best part most memorable day of the trip! if you're going to miss out on any day activities do not miss the beach club

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 11/04/2023 11:22

There's always then further pressure to cover a big proportion of the bride's costs when you are there.

///

I've never understood this either. I thought it my privilege as a bride that people wanted to spend their evening with me so it wouldn't occur to me not to pay my share. Infact on the first bar we went to on my (short train ride away) hen night I picked up the tab as i wanted to treat people.

Jellyx · 11/04/2023 11:23

Wow! That's crazy prices for accomdoationn! Why not share with the hen party group that you think it's expensive and offer alternative ideas?
Who has that kind of money to throw away!

MrsRail17 · 11/04/2023 11:26

From reading it it sounds to me like you would like to go, financially you sound quite secure but you’re feeling guilty about spending so much money and leaving your children. So if I’ve got all that right, I would go. You say you’ve never done anything like this before and you’re not really sure whether that’s your thing. You’ve spent 12 years looking after your children see it as a bit of me time (expensive me time albeit) but I’d go and recharge and have fun. You’ve nothing to feel guilty about you say it’s your money & your savings. The worst that will happen is you will not have fun, but I think if you really let your hair down you will go with the flow and enjoy it. And it will make for some great memories.
Obviously if I’ve misinterpreted your situation and this is going to cause financial hardship I might change my mind on my advice but I feel the main problem here is you feel guilty - DONT!

MyPurpleHeart · 11/04/2023 11:26

If you're feeling like this now then you wont enjoy the hen party. You will be constantly looking at the cost and worrying. Unless you can make your peace with it and just go with it I wouldn't go in your shoes. You will be on edge every time you pull into a bar for a drink. These things are so expensive and there's absolutely no shame in saying that you don't have the finances for it. Especially in the middle of a cost of living crisis!

fromdownwest · 11/04/2023 11:30

Beach clubs are a recipe for disaster, people get carried away with the poolside service, lose track of what is being spent. Bill turns up with huge gratuity and people dissapear quickly!