AIBU Going on a Hen Do Abroad

[HotPotato2]

I've never been on a girls Hen Do away and this one is abroad. I got very excited when I was invited there is only 5 of us going for 3 nights so assumed it would be quite laid back. and I committed to flights without knowing the accommodation costs and itinerary and things have got out of hand! Which in hindsight I should have asked first.
I have 2 kids 12 and 9 and have never left them before, obviously they will be with their dad and well looked after so I'm terribly nervous about that. But thought maybe a weekend away would be good and be much cheaper than a family holiday as things are tight this year and we are already going away as a family later in the year. And I've never been away with the girls.

However the costs have spiralled and I feel so guilty as for the amount I am now paying I probably could have done a cheap holiday abroad with the kids.

It's £400 each for accommodation, flights £200 return
But then the activities have got out of hand, tours for £70, beach clubs for £70 each which does include some food, a meal out £70 each and I feel like I now cannot say no as I will lose the money I have already paid and I cannot exactly go and not participate in the activities for a hen do, the beach club is all afternoon and I know the drinks will cost a fortune while I'm there cos you are stuck there. I wrongly assumed that we might just explore the city during the day and go shopping or something,

My Partner is going mad about it now, but I work obviously so its not his money but in hindsight could of been better spent

I'm gutted I feel like I have completed wasted some of my savings, do think there is any way I can get out of it or am I just going to have to suck it up now? Do you think I am over-reacting and probably have a really good time??
Realistically I will probs not get to go one again abroad. Am I just being over anxious, I'm not a natural spender and definitely a saver so this is a lot for me!!

If it were me, I would just pick the activities that I'm not as interested in doing and say I'm not taking part in those as I can't afford it. It will be some nice quiet time all to yourself.

Just go. And you would have a lovely time just looking around the city on your own - that would be my favourite bit!

I did one last year. Good friend, we went to Ibiza. Like you cheap flights £75 return. Accommodation then started hiking overall price and they wanted to do €100 beach clubs and nightclubs with £80 entry. Meals for hundreds of euros. Taxis all over the place because they weren’t sure where to go for the best beach spot. I found a boat trip for £30 each that solved one of the expensive days out things… Fortunately there were three of us who wanted to chill at far lower cost so we kind of separated a bit (and I’ve got cancer so it was a bit of enjoy it while you can, but I can’t do it all). I feel for you. I nearly pulled out a lot, I’m glad I went but there were moments I wished I hadn’t and I felt I had to make up a lot to my kids - especially as the wedding was overseas as well and they weren’t invited…

Speak to the bride and tell her how you are feeling!!
Go but don’t do any of the activities. It sounds bloody awful and you will end up spending at £1500!!

I have the feeling you want to go… and you were really excited about it…
now you are second guessing because you partner is complaining about it, which I don’t think is fair…
you can go to the beach club and do not drink that much or have beer…
for my understanding you have 12 years without having a me time with your friends, you deserve it

This is a mess op. How much can you get back if you cancelled? Are your flights and accommodation refundable? Don't forget that the other hens will probably suggest splitting the hen's dinner and drinks costs too. I would probably pull out in your case. It wasn't what you were expecting or led to believe

I'd opt out of the expensive extras. You'll have much more fun not doing the beach club and add-ons. If they want to do that stuff, it's up to them, but you just look after yourself and have fun with the hen.

Just go, you only get one life! Money comes, money goes!

As you’re already committed financially
As you’ve never been away on an all girls do before
As we all deserve a break from family
As the kids have their dad on their own
As you have the money
Id go.
Any event organised by other people obviously isn’t going to be exactly what you would chose but that’s obvious.
I ended up at a hen do where we went greyhound racing, and I’ve been campaigning against that for years. but we also went paint balling and my true inner adrenaline came to the for and I absolutely loved it. Whilst all the other hens gave up towards the end as they were worried about their nails🤣🤣🤣🤣.

So you never know you might enjoy something you would never normally chose.

Just go, enjoy being away from family stress. And tell you’re dh to stop whinging about how you spend your own money.

Yes this. I think he has pissed on your chips about it and you're second guessing.

What I would do is either message lead organiser or the group (if the bride isn't on there) and say that costs are mounting and you need to budget so can you have a full total of what is planned and anything else needs to be cleared with the group.

In your situation, as you've already paid for the hotel and flights and you fancied a nice weekend away, I'd still go, but not do all the extra pretentious things with the horrible reviews. Who cares what the other hens think, other than the bride they're not your friends, and it's likely she won't actually mind. Just have a nice time on your own, exploring the locality whilst they go to the beach club or whatever. If you can't do what you like without worrying what others think of you in your 40's, when are you going to start?

Are the others younger/childless? I would opt out of the beach club if you can't afford it.

Have you said that you've reached the top of your budget? Is the hen paying for anything?

Is there any of the hens you can talk to about it and see if they are in the same boat? Even just light heartedly txt something like 'oh god it's costing me an arm and a leg I might have to be a loser and stay at the beach on one of them days' or something like that and u never know they may agree to do that aswell, but obviously only u know these hens and if any of them may be in the same position as u. I wouldn't cancel now, you state you've never been on a hen do so think of it as your first and last lol. What's done is done! And enjoy yourself.

Just continuing being honest.
Reiterate that you can't afford all the expensive extras and can only join them on one or two of the activities planned.
You're happy for them to continue but you'll just sit by the pool/in the bar/cafe with a good book.
You never know, someone else may feel the same and join you.

At the end of the day, it's up to you to decide whether you want to go on the trip or not. If you're feeling really uncomfortable about the cost, you could try speaking to the bride-to-be and explaining your concerns. It's possible that she might be able to help you work out a solution that works for everyone.

Why do you have to pay for the beach club upfront? Can you not just decide when you get there if you want to go or not?
Those guided tours are expensive, £70 sounds OK for a day out to be honest!
If you've already paid for the accommodation and flights then go an enjoy it.

Think of it this way. If you were a single mom and your sister/mother/best friend said they'd go and stay at your house and mind the kids for 3 days, would you go happily then?
Or is it just that hubby complaining is making you conflicted so you are putting your own wish to have a good time aside in order to make things all nicey nicey with him?

Go and bloody enjoy every minute. You might not get this opportunity to get away from your family again anytime soon! Your kids are well old enough to cope without out and their relationship with their Dad might get stronger as a result.

I agree with this. I have learnt (through bad hen do experiences) that having boundaries occasionally is ok. Just say you are worried about the finances and not sure that part is for you so you will happily sort yourself out that afternoon. You'll probably be grateful for a bit of down time.

Alternatively, bail if you deep down know you'll hate it.

And then in the future don't say yes unless you know for sure it's for you. I have spend too many weekends playing bridal bingo, mr and Mrs etc to worry about missing out anymore. I go if I am sure it's for me, and say a polite no thanks if not.

I agree with PP saying you prob really want to go but now guilt has taken over and you can only see the negatives. You knew who was going when you first committed and didn't have a problem with the company so why is that an issue now?
Go (if you genuinely want to)! You have nothing to be guilty about. You have the money, you haven't left your kids in 9 / 12 years, and they will be well minded! You deserve this time.

Absolutely opt out of some of the activities. You can say you can't afford it, or you can say you won't be able for all day and night drinking as you haven't been away like this before, so you would prefer to take it handy during the day one of the days and meet up with them later. Or that you want to chill while you are away! There's loads of valid reasons! You are a 40 year old woman! You don't have to say yes to all activities! You got this girl. You'll have a ball.

I wonder if there’s something about having kids young that makes people feel guilty spending on themselves.

If one spends their 20s and 30s prioritising fun, travel, socialising and new experiences, then they come to expect a degree of that from their life post-children (albeit massively toned down), and jump at every opportunity. I work with a 40something senior director who purposely schedules 9am meetings with a client based in another city just so she can travel up the night before, stay in a nice hotel and go out for dinner without her kids (who are 3 and 1).

OP, you should definitely stop feeling guilty and go and enjoy yourself! You’ve said you can afford it, so stop worrying about the money and focus on having an amazing time. :)

Regard it as a once in a lifetime experience, you should not feel guilty (and dont let your DH guilt trip you, I bet he has been on holiday without u and the kids?). You have paid for so much now you might as well go and enjoy it. I am absolutely sure that once you are on the plane you will be really excited. x

If your partner hadnt commented on it would you honestly still feel this way? I know it can seem scary spending so much money on something unknown, but I reckon you'll have fun! The bride knows you and I doubt she would have invited you if she didn't think you'd get on with the others. View it as time for yourself to have fun, no guilt for the money or time away- an excuse to try things you usually wouldn't! If there's anything you really don't want to do just say so and have a few hours to yourself, I've done that before.

@allmyliesaretrue they aren't good friends I only know the hen and it's all been done via WhatsApp so haven't had a chance to input any alternatives.
But I feel a bit better after reading all your messages, I think I need to go now I can't lose £600 but will do the majority, meals etc. The club in the evening is very expensive and I hardly drink so I will just leave that. Think I will pay deposit for beach club as it's only a small amount but then decide near the time if I want to go. If I'm not enjoying it prior to going to beach club then I will make an excuse and not go and do my own thing. If I'm enjoying myself I will go xx
I mean by the time I go I'm sure they will get over me asking about the cost all the time!! If they don't and hold it against me then it says more about them.

If it was me I would probably go now, considering the outlay already on the flights and accommodation . However you probably need to be honest with your friend that you hadn't realised there would be all the additional activities to pay for and you can't afford to do them . So, eg, you will enjoy going out for meals , drinks , sightseeing but you can't afford the beach club - and make it clear you are quite happy to just spend the afternoon relaxing at the accommodation (in case there is then embarrassment with them thinking they need to offer to pay etc )

As others have said, I bet there are other hens who are wondering how to ask too.
It's awkward when people don't know each other well and no-one wants to be the fun sponge and talk money.

Going with a group of mates you know well and it's easier to say things are getting a bit out of hand.

This is a good thing though. Send the reviews in the group chat and suggest an alternative instead.