AIBU Going on a Hen Do Abroad

[HotPotato2]

I've never been on a girls Hen Do away and this one is abroad. I got very excited when I was invited there is only 5 of us going for 3 nights so assumed it would be quite laid back. and I committed to flights without knowing the accommodation costs and itinerary and things have got out of hand! Which in hindsight I should have asked first.
I have 2 kids 12 and 9 and have never left them before, obviously they will be with their dad and well looked after so I'm terribly nervous about that. But thought maybe a weekend away would be good and be much cheaper than a family holiday as things are tight this year and we are already going away as a family later in the year. And I've never been away with the girls.

However the costs have spiralled and I feel so guilty as for the amount I am now paying I probably could have done a cheap holiday abroad with the kids.

It's £400 each for accommodation, flights £200 return
But then the activities have got out of hand, tours for £70, beach clubs for £70 each which does include some food, a meal out £70 each and I feel like I now cannot say no as I will lose the money I have already paid and I cannot exactly go and not participate in the activities for a hen do, the beach club is all afternoon and I know the drinks will cost a fortune while I'm there cos you are stuck there. I wrongly assumed that we might just explore the city during the day and go shopping or something,

My Partner is going mad about it now, but I work obviously so its not his money but in hindsight could of been better spent

I'm gutted I feel like I have completed wasted some of my savings, do think there is any way I can get out of it or am I just going to have to suck it up now? Do you think I am over-reacting and probably have a really good time??
Realistically I will probs not get to go one again abroad. Am I just being over anxious, I'm not a natural spender and definitely a saver so this is a lot for me!!

This. There could even be another person who will be "Thank Fu?k" when you do

Pull
Your socks up

Wipe your eyes

Say "no I am not made of money - I am happy to pull out if this spoils it for everyone else"

And watch for at least one other person to agree

I have never been on a girls holiday abroad since getting married and having children but I didn’t get married until I was 35 so I had a lot of holidays on my own prior to this. But I have had the odd night away in this country with good friends and this has been good fun and really helped recharge my batteries.

I think you are obviously now feeling guilty (not helped by your partner and cost of living crisis) and have naively underestimated the costs of an instagrammable hen do/destination holiday/event abroad and all the spiralling costs this entails.

I expect the beach club is very photographable and would look good for bragging on Instagram/Facebook etc hence it being chosen by your group.

Either cancel now and loose the £200 and avoid throwing anymore money at it. If you cancel will this affect costs for the others?

Go with the flow and enjoy what has already been decided to do and don’t feel guilty about it. But say you can’t afford to pay for anymore expensive activities whilst there as you want to spend some time just quietly chilling and sightseeing but you don’t mind if the others want to book some more additional activities.

Go and opt out of one or more of the activities you least fancy/feel is less value for money. But maybe do so by saying you fancy a couple of peaceful quiet hours on your own on X afternoon.

Or go to the planned activities but minimise your costs by drinking water and not forking out on expensive photographable cocktails etc. But agree beforehand you will pay for what you have/order rather than splitting the bill.

Go but beforehand maybe research some maybe equally pleasurable/popular appealing to your group and cheaper alternatives with better reviews to one or more of the already suggested activities (without completely peeing off the others). They maybe onboard to also save money or they may resent your suggestions.

Be aware that you need to handle it right or you maybe be seen as a skinflint or killjoy by the others. But if you don’t go the accommodation costs for the others may rise.

Before committing in future ask about what the plans are and think about the costs.

Good luck.

Don't empty your savings for this.

///

This.

So fun - going for a curry. What a hen night! That would go down in the history books!

I hate going in groups but missing out on some of the activities and spending some alone time by the pool reading sounds like heaven to me plus it will save you money. I'm sure there will be a couple of more who would agree to do this. I find these trips get out of hand trying to fill out every second of the day with activities whereas a lot of people are actually happy to chill out during the day and do something together in the evenings.

It does get out of hand but IMO it's well worth it for the memories. All depends on your finances of course.

I can't believe you've never left your kids at their ages with your husband that's bonkers to me 🤣

You’ve never been apart from your children in over a decade. It doesn’t sound like you do very much for yourself at all. Go on the holiday and enjoy it, it sounds like a one off opportunity for you. Life isn’t all about saving money and doing without because you have children.

Can you actually not afford it, or is it mum guilt that it could have gone on Legoland or something

because if it’s the latter- go, drink all of the cocktails, dance and have a wonderful time

Flying abroad is fun. Unclench a bit - you’re missing out

If the bride is a good friend, she'd probably be mortified that you are sitting at home crying with worry about how the cost of her hen night is spiralling out of control. Obviously you can't tell her now – I imagine lots of what the MOH has organised is meant to be a surprise. But you CAN pull out, and should, and if she asks why that's when you say the costs have spiralled beyond your budget. If she doesn't understand, she's no friend.

Think your overthinking it you’ll have a good time! And you said you’ve never done it before and probably won’t again. It’s only money go and enjoy yourself! Life’s to short to worry about it if you can afford it

I think if you have the money then go and enjoy yourself. You will always think the money you spend on yourself could be spent on the children but that’s a sign of a good mum.

If you are going to struggle financially because of it then cancel. If not enjoy yourself and have some quality you time xx

If you can afford it, go and have fun. It doesn't sound like you spend much on yourself. Every 3 years or so I go away with friends for a few days and my dp encourages me and looks after my dc

If it was only the costs (but you could afford it) and mummy guilt stopping you, I'd say just go and have a great time. It isn't every day you get a chance of a fun holiday.

However, you really sound like you don't want to go at all and the only thing stopping you is the money you've already spent, so I'd suggest talking to the bride and maybe someone else could take your place and give you back what you paid? Either that or as hard as it is going to be, lose the money and put it down to experience. You will have spent nowhere near as much as you would going and not enjoying it.

Only other option is to just go and hope you enjoy it, you never know, maybe you'll have a great time. It's always the nights out/holidays you aren't that up for that you enjiy the most.

Hope you get it sorted!

If you havent been before and not likely to, think sod it and enjoy it. Yes you could have spent it better but you only live once and will enjoy it once there as long as you don't look at drink prices too much lol. Maybe encourage room drinling before going out or get one of those bags you can put a bottle of drink in to top your drinks up with lol. Its not nice always watching the pennies when your away, but i am the same i am a saver not a spender.

Maybe could look at alternative accommodation and make suggestions, be honest with the person organising and day its a bit out your price range and causing issues with husband? But be ready to offer alternatives so not just down to them?

I went to Amsterdam for my hen and we stayed a short cab right outside the centre of the town to save some money on accomodation.

Speak up OP. There’s only 5 of you, why haven’t you just said something. When they told you the cost of the accommodation why didn’t you do a search for something cheaper? I don’t understand why some people just get steam rolled into situations.

Is the accommodation non refundable? Could
you look for something cheaper?

Tell them now on the WhatsApp group that you cannot afford all the activities they are recommending. If it’s Niki beach it will be expensive. Tell them you’ll happily do one pricey activity but can you just chill be the pool another day or have a wonder around the town, then for the meal out do tapas or a similar.

where is it your going?

You need a frank conversation…. Including the words, “The costs are insane and out of control.” And see where things end up…

^ This

I get it OP. I would feel sick. Unfortunately, costs always seem to spiral when its a hen party.

The bar thing will cost a fortune!

I think you either say that the costs are getting too much and you will have to cancel or can things be pulled back a bit.

I agree you need to be brave and post in the group chat that you’re over your budget and are not going to the beach club.

Firstly, if you’re not used to this sort of thing, you will probably be grateful for a few hours on your own to lie around reading a book/whatever.

Secondly, it’s likely one of the others will be grateful you have spoken up and will chime in saying they are also a bit worried about escalating costs.

You will be Group hero, not Group pariah.

Why not? Not everyone likes to get pissed up on hen weekends. I’ve been on hens weekends that involved chocolate making or pottery making just as often as I’ve been on the drinking dancing type. Entirely depends on the preferences of the bride doesn’t it? I’ve also been on a couple where the bride or a couple of the hens were pregnant - they weren’t falling over drunk either.

We've all been there. The only one that can really keep the costs down is the hen (by checking what's lined up) but it's hard as some of it is probably a surprise. In the hen's shoes, I'd be horrified if my friends were put under pressure to spend more than they're comfortable with.

It's definitely worth saying you'd like to pay for your own meals and drinks - even if they split the rest, it shouldn't cause a problem. And saying now that you're getting uncomfortable so the incremental costs don't keep spiralling up and up.

We all have those friends that order lots of £20 cocktails and nights out come to £200 per head. And you struggle to enjoy it as you'd rather spend the money on something else. Particularly when you end up driving so you're subsidising the alcohol bill.

Ah I struggle with hen dos for this reason as they can end up so expensive and it can be awkward to say! However I think completely reasonable to say you can’t afford all the activities but you still want to go on the trip so you can celebrate with the bride and you can join for X Y and Z. The bride should understand - I know I would.

Local curry house 😂. I got married 27 years ago and had a long weekend away for my hen do.

OP it sounds to me like a break is long overdue. I can't believe you've never left kids that age! Go on the hen do, and have a fab time.