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Original poster

Considering cutting DD off

243 replies

DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 22:19

This is something I never, ever thought I would do. She’s 25 and has chosen to live a totally different lifestyle to me. I’ve tried so very hard to accept but my MH is suffering and as sad as it makes me feel. I just need to cut loose. I’m not sure how long for tbh

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 11/04/2023 00:35

Nothing like the zeal of the new convert in any faith OP, DD will calm down.

Probably.

You and DD are similar people, it seems. You have the same intensity of feeling and control, don’t you - your posts are passionate and quickly turn critical of others you don’t either know or agree with. And yet you’re not coping with her making strong declarations of belief or critical remarks.

The apple didn’t fall from the tree.

A touch of distance might help you both.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 11/04/2023 00:39

@DarkNecessities it'd be helpful to know what your DD says to you that makes you 'feel permanently judged and criticised' and that 'nothing I do is right'.

I got things wrong when preparing meals for my new Muslim family members and have to think about what I wear to certain events, but I've never felt judged or criticised. I'm just learning.

For any of us to help you come to the right decision for you and your DD can you provide more details?

I'm sorry if other posters found my experience irrelevant. I had hoped showing a positive example would be helpful.

KatyKeene · 11/04/2023 00:42

In islam as your daughter - she must respect you as her mother - even if you are not Muslim. As you daughter she can’t be expressing anger towards you.

In a nutshell islam is Christian beliefs without the trinity. So all that’s changed
is not believing the Jesus is the son of god. Muslims believe of Jesus as messenger. All the stories are the same - The story of Noah and the ark The stories of Moses, the stories of Jesus from the Old Testament all of these are in the Quran. They also believe in the Virgin Mary.

I think the difficulty of the situation is that as here mother you feel she is
judging you for your lifestyle.

What I think you may be struggling with is the modesty in dressing, no alcohol and the adherence to a routine of prayer. The reality is the strict orthodox Christian’s following the Old Testament and Jews are don’t drink, don’t eat pork / ham and they all have modesty at the core of family life.

The leading Islamic Academic scholar of Islam in this country is a White Englishman - Dr Tim Winter - this is an English man -

The link above is a conversation with Joan Bakewell on Radio 3.

Dr Tim Winter / Abdal Hakim - is a Cambridge scholar.

Softly spoken Dr Tim - I think his explanation may be a comfort for you.

Why I converted to Islam (Shaykh Abdal Hakim Murad) Part 1/2

Timothy Winter's (Shaykh Abdul Hakim Murad) BBC Radio 3 interview on his conversion to Islam with Joan Bakewell.Joan Bakewell talks to Cambridge University c...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGfc6Ob1UAY

Hawkins003 · 11/04/2023 00:44

KatyKeene · 11/04/2023 00:42

In islam as your daughter - she must respect you as her mother - even if you are not Muslim. As you daughter she can’t be expressing anger towards you.

In a nutshell islam is Christian beliefs without the trinity. So all that’s changed
is not believing the Jesus is the son of god. Muslims believe of Jesus as messenger. All the stories are the same - The story of Noah and the ark The stories of Moses, the stories of Jesus from the Old Testament all of these are in the Quran. They also believe in the Virgin Mary.

I think the difficulty of the situation is that as here mother you feel she is
judging you for your lifestyle.

What I think you may be struggling with is the modesty in dressing, no alcohol and the adherence to a routine of prayer. The reality is the strict orthodox Christian’s following the Old Testament and Jews are don’t drink, don’t eat pork / ham and they all have modesty at the core of family life.

The leading Islamic Academic scholar of Islam in this country is a White Englishman - Dr Tim Winter - this is an English man -

The link above is a conversation with Joan Bakewell on Radio 3.

Dr Tim Winter / Abdal Hakim - is a Cambridge scholar.

Softly spoken Dr Tim - I think his explanation may be a comfort for you.

Some intriguing perspectives, much appreciated

Happyworldofharibo · 11/04/2023 00:46

This reply has been deleted

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LettingMySouthSideShow · 11/04/2023 00:46

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saraclara · 11/04/2023 00:50

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It's not anti Islam. However much some posters want to make it so.

Obki · 11/04/2023 00:50

Lysianthus · 11/04/2023 00:01

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow Whilst I am open to debating, I'm slightly concerned at your line "most people in the west" though I may not have quoted correctly in which case I apologise. So many things to unpick. Mainly, that the 'state religion' traditionally in the Uk is the Cof E. Now while I realise that has changed over the years, there is still a majority Christian population here. You may not be in the UK.

OP asked for advice about her adult child who has decided for whatever reason to convert to a different religion to that they were brought up in, that's somewhat hard for the OP.

My advice would be to keep the door open but go relatively low contact if they can't have a reasonable debate about the decision. In an ideal world, the child would (in the spirit of their new religion) be kind to their parents. I think it's one of the main points in all religions 'honour your mother and father'.

If that doesn't work then sit tight and wait to see how she develops in maturity and age, and hopefully she'll come round to remembering how important you are to her. It doesn't need to change her mind about which religion she chooses, but with luck she'll have you in mind Flowers

I can’t see where that poster has said ‘most people in the west’, or even what your issue is with it?

Hawkins003 · 11/04/2023 00:51

KatyKeene · 11/04/2023 00:51

Here is part two

part two of the interview -

Its good to share and converse - that’s how we can embrace one another without fear.

Thank you

Obki · 11/04/2023 00:55

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 11/04/2023 00:39

@DarkNecessities it'd be helpful to know what your DD says to you that makes you 'feel permanently judged and criticised' and that 'nothing I do is right'.

I got things wrong when preparing meals for my new Muslim family members and have to think about what I wear to certain events, but I've never felt judged or criticised. I'm just learning.

For any of us to help you come to the right decision for you and your DD can you provide more details?

I'm sorry if other posters found my experience irrelevant. I had hoped showing a positive example would be helpful.

OP has been unable to give any examples.

Which I suspect is because she knows she is unreasonable.

CallieQ · 11/04/2023 01:00

Which religion is it

LettingMySouthSideShow · 11/04/2023 01:00

saraclara · 11/04/2023 00:50

It's not anti Islam. However much some posters want to make it so.

Show quote history

It is, no matter how much posters want to make it not so.

Tiq · 11/04/2023 01:01

You have brought the crazies together OP 😂FGS Mumsnet don't pander to them. There is no evidence of islamophobia in OP's posts, no matter how much they say it. OP simply has not given enough information to assess that. Sorry OP , your thread has been derailed. And they wonder why you want to keep certain information private.

LettingMySouthSideShow · 11/04/2023 01:03

Tiq · 11/04/2023 01:01

You have brought the crazies together OP 😂FGS Mumsnet don't pander to them. There is no evidence of islamophobia in OP's posts, no matter how much they say it. OP simply has not given enough information to assess that. Sorry OP , your thread has been derailed. And they wonder why you want to keep certain information private.

Calling us crazies doesn’t work I’m afraid.

saraclara · 11/04/2023 01:08

LettingMySouthSideShow · 11/04/2023 01:00

It is, no matter how much posters want to make it not so.

Show quote history

If OP had posted that her daughter had become a JW and was making her life miserable by constantly criticising and judging her, there's not be a single post here accusing her of any 'ism' or intolerance. Likewise if her daughter had become an evangelical Christian and was doing the same.

You don't get to call a problem racist purely because it involves Islam

KatyKeene · 11/04/2023 01:10

@DarkNecessities - I hope you find a way to keep a relationship with your daughter. I’m not judging you for your distress. At the heart of your daughter’s faith she has to learn to be kind gentle and patient and not judge or hurt you. In islam “heaven is at your mother’s feet” -

Your beliefs are not so different and focusing on what is much the same is the road to harmony and respect. In essence the Christmas and Easter have become seasonal holidays where families gather - so you will find a Christmas tree in a Muslim household - because it’s a holiday and a family gathering. On Eid many Muslims love to share food with neighbours and this is something quite beautiful. Tolerance is all about learning about each other. I wouldn’t step inside a church without my head covered and I would be as modestly dressed as I would be to enter a mosque - because for me church is God’s house just like mosques are - it’s just language that’s different. In churches it’s Latin and English prayer - in mosques the prayers are in Arabic - and once you literally translate - the understanding that our beliefs are the same begins…

LettingMySouthSideShow · 11/04/2023 01:15

saraclara · 11/04/2023 01:08

If OP had posted that her daughter had become a JW and was making her life miserable by constantly criticising and judging her, there's not be a single post here accusing her of any 'ism' or intolerance. Likewise if her daughter had become an evangelical Christian and was doing the same.

You don't get to call a problem racist purely because it involves Islam

Show quote history

I have a friend who is a JW so I absolutely would be. I get to say what I see. HTH.

Obki · 11/04/2023 01:17

LettingMySouthSideShow · 11/04/2023 01:03

Calling us crazies doesn’t work I’m afraid.

Show quote history

People haven’t called OP Islamophobic. One poster did say there was a touch of Islamophobia about OP’s posts, because her posts contain the usual rhetoric - women are controlled, oppressed, Islam is against anything that isn’t Islam etc, but with zero examples provided.

Another poster suggested OP’s dd was being radicalised (with zero evidence).

OP has not provided a single example of what her dd is actually doing that warrants her being cut off from her family, whereas if she had genuine concerns, she would be able to give them easily and they wouldn’t be identifying.

Obki · 11/04/2023 01:18

^ to @Tiq

saraclara · 11/04/2023 01:19

LettingMySouthSideShow · 11/04/2023 01:15

I have a friend who is a JW so I absolutely would be. I get to say what I see. HTH.

Show quote history

You know you'd be a rarity on mumsnet though. Have you ever seen a thread approve of JWs?

There is a theme to responses in this thread that absolutely wouldn't be there of OP's daughter had converted to a white person religion and behaved this way.

saraclara · 11/04/2023 01:21

People haven’t called OP Islamophobic

They've accused her of racism.

Obki · 11/04/2023 01:24

saraclara · 11/04/2023 01:21

People haven’t called OP Islamophobic

They've accused her of racism.

Where? The only posts that come up when I search the thread for ‘racist’ or ‘racism’ are yours.

FloydPepper · 11/04/2023 01:26

Supersimkin2 · 11/04/2023 00:35

Nothing like the zeal of the new convert in any faith OP, DD will calm down.

Probably.

You and DD are similar people, it seems. You have the same intensity of feeling and control, don’t you - your posts are passionate and quickly turn critical of others you don’t either know or agree with. And yet you’re not coping with her making strong declarations of belief or critical remarks.

The apple didn’t fall from the tree.

A touch of distance might help you both.

Well observed, spot on

JudgeRudy · 11/04/2023 01:27

saraclara · 11/04/2023 00:32

Or she simply might be berating her mother for having a glass of wine with her dinner. Or eating a bacon sandwich. Or listening to music.

We simply don't know.

Show quote history

Yes l agree we simply don't know. Which is why I disagreed with Twelly who said the details are not relevant. Berating someone for eating a bacon sandwich is very different to challenging someone's drinking (alcohol). I think details are very relevant, however they seem sadly lacking on this thread.