Considering cutting DD off

[DarkNecessities]

This is something I never, ever thought I would do. She’s 25 and has chosen to live a totally different lifestyle to me. I’ve tried so very hard to accept but my MH is suffering and as sad as it makes me feel. I just need to cut loose. I’m not sure how long for tbh

I have a family member who converted to Islam to marry his beautiful wife. I knew very little about islam before but am enjoying learning about it. I certainly wouldn't be cutting them off. I don't actually find their beliefs very different to Christianity and totally respect the way their children are being raised. I'm actually shocked at your attitude.

The only thing I can imagine saying to her, is that you've respected her choice of religion, and that in turn she needs to respect your life decisions. And that if she is not going to resepct that, and is only going to visit you to criticise and preach to you, then she'd best not visit. That you love her and want to see her, but only if she's prepared to accept you as you accept her.

I think contacting her every day when she's 25 is too much anyway and I think then leaving you open to being hurt or feeling judged. The most obvious first step is to cut down that contact a bit- decide what you could cope with (say twice a week) and go with that. I would also get therapy/counselling for yourself as a place to put your own thoughts and work them out.

I think this advice holds whatever takes the mid-twenties person away from their family- whether it be religion, lifestyle, meeting a partner you don't like, campaigning for things you don't agree with, gender critical/trans issues.

It's about keeping the contact there, but not sacrificing your own mental wellbeing completely which is what seems to be happening. It's fine to assert you need to look after yourself too.

Basically any religion is just another method of philosophy, as long as your happy being yourself, and if all religions are respectful of nonbelievers, then your dd should be respectful of you

This reminds me of a current thread - not to do with your actual situation, but still a similar situation of a mother not knowing the best way forward - it may not be the exact situation you're in, but it still speaks about what to do when you don't agree with / can't understand the way your child chooses to live their life https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4717419-dd-ran-away-to-be-with-trans-lover-and-refuses-to-return?p

Oh I see op has since said it is Islam.

OP why are you so bothered about your daughter possibly becoming a Muslim?

This is your experience.
Can you not see that mine may be different

OP I wouldn’t be overjoyed if my DD was going to convert. I don’t care if I get flamed.

Your Muslim family member is not the OP's daughter. Muslims are not all the same, just as any other group of people are all the same. OP has said that her DD is constantly criticising her and won't accept who she is, post-conversion. That clearly isnt the case in your family.

The only 'attitude' that OP has , is frustration at her daughter treating her badly.

Very sensible post from Highdaysandholidays1

@DarkNecessities if your dd is using her religion to criticise you, then she's not being a good example of encouraging you to join the faith ?

I'm sorry it's so difficult OP, I would keep the door open and try and keep communication light and not about religion.
Depending on circumstances and levels of orthodoxy I would find this difficult too.
My BF sister converted to Islam, her DC aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas, have Xmas presents, the girls aren't allowed to dance or climb on climbing frames in the park and after puberty swim at local leisure centre. It does cause friction when there is a clash of culture and upbringing.
Unfortunately there are many examples of Muslim women and girls not being treated fairly or equally ( sadly also true for some other religions too) so if it was my daughter I would have concerns too.

Is your daughter happy op? Does she say she's content and finding fulfilment? If she is then I don't think it's fair for you to cut her off. She's found a religion (and really it could be any religion Islam or otherwise) and that's a big part of her life now as would any religion be. So I think you need to discuss boundaries and expectations with her. Eg it's fair for her to talk about her new faith and beliefs or that she worshipped that day or went to prayers when telling you about her day, it's not so ok for her to be trying to convert you or making you feel bad about your life and lifestyle. Equally it would be unfair for you to judge her just for finding a new faith that's important to her and to stop her from talking about that part of her life altogether. So I think you both need to discuss boundaries and find a compromise that suits you both? Then hopefully you can find a better way forward?

Is there any need for that response? She didn't say it was everybody's experience, she was providing this experience and an opinion. Why mention it on a public forum if you don't want an opinion?

@saraclara OP hasn't given any examples of what her daughter has done to warrant her being cut off.

I'm just giving an alternative way of looking at a situation. I was pretty stunned when my family member wanted to convert but having taken time to understand Islam through them it's all been ok.

The poster she was responding to ciriticised her attitude, despite her own anecdote being entirely irrelevant to OP's situation. In that context, OP's response to her was entirely fair. I posted something very similar in response to the same poster,

OP hasn't given any examples of what her daughter has done to warrant her being cut off.

There's been little detail, but what she has said doesn't sound anything lie your own experiece with your family member

I feel permanently judged and criticised.

...that nothing I do is right

So, the OP has said she only wants to hear from people that agree with her, and despite posting on a discussion forum doesn’t want to discuss or divulge any aspect of her DD’s behaviour.

I’m going to hazard a guess and say the blame doesn’t lie entirely with the DD here. The OP is showing some pretty inflexible attitudes so not surprising she’s clashing with her DD over differences in their beliefs.

We used to live across the road from jahova witnesses. They already had kids celebrated they're birthday's and Christmas's etc. Decided to convert after they knocked on they're door. So the kids could no longer celebrate they're birthday's or Christmas celebrations. The last I heard of them the mum was dieing from cancer and she completely refused any medical intervention. Not sure if her kids are still jahova.

I understand OP, it's not easy. My sister converted to Judaism when she married her husband (a very long process).
It was tough at first. They couldn't eat what we ate, cook the same way we did and they wouldn't even eat at our house or stay with us.
Then there's different celebrations.
I too thought she was pretty oppressed having to be covered up and wearing a wig etc. However my grandma was actually from a Jewish family so we do have some understanding and roots there which might not be the case for you.

She lives abroad now in Israel and is very happy. She keeps in contact and is pretty easy going. We respect each others beliefs.
If it is affecting your MH, then I'd say take a step back.
I was brought up in a very strict, Christian home which was quite oppressive too and I don't think people realise the impact of religion (good and bad) on MH.
You don't have to cut all contact but don't let it consume you.

I understand that. I know a few Muslims and they are not extreme fundamentalists. There are different branches of Islam (as there are with other religions). Unfortunately when people hear the word, 'Islam' they immediately equate it with extremism.

I'm not so sure. Let's say OP had an alcohol problem or was constantly hopping into bed with dodgy men who had no real interested in her as a person...well the daughter might be right to voice her concerns but might also quote lines from the Quran that reference the evils of alcohol or lust.
I'm not implying OP has any of these issues but any deficits in our character can be framed within religion.

Or she simply might be berating her mother for having a glass of wine with her dinner. Or eating a bacon sandwich. Or listening to music.

We simply don't know.

And considering how some religions treat certain members of society, it could be argued that the religions should improve the religion itself, before criticising nonbelievers