Page 5 | Considering cutting DD off

DarkNecessities · 2023-04-10T21:19:37+00:00

This is something I never, ever thought I would do. She’s 25 and has chosen to live a totally different lifestyle to me. I’ve tried so very hard to accept but my MH is suffering and as sad as it makes me feel. I just need to cut loose. I’m not sure how long for tbh

Remaker · 10/04/2023 23:13

I think at the very least you need to disclose whether it’s a mainstream religion or something more cult-like. If you’re having daily contact it sounds more mainstream as most cults try to cut off family contact.

Is there a partner involved who is influencing her?

Without this detail it is impossible for people to know if they have been in a similar situation and offer support.

TightPants · 10/04/2023 23:13

Bloody hell. This is not AIBU!
The pitchforks are out tonight aren’t they?

OP, ignore the snipey comments. You have been given sound advice by some posters and I agree that cutting her off may be worse.
Getting preached at/judged must be bloody annoying though.

SkittlesInTheKitchen · 10/04/2023 23:13

saraclara · 10/04/2023 23:10

She's explained what she's looking for several times. She's posted on the Adult Children branch to ask if anyone's been in the same position. This is not AIBU.

Show quote history

She’s posted in chat and was rude very early on before she explained what she wanted. Don’t let that stop you though. 😂

saraclara · 10/04/2023 23:13

@DarkNecessities , I understand that you don't want to give away too much, but can you say whether she'd joined a cult-like religion, or one that's of a different culture than your own? Because I think that will make a difference to whether or not she can be brought back to you, or whether she's ever likely to compromise or calm down a bit (converts are initially much more committed to people born into a faith)

VeronicaTimeTurner · 10/04/2023 23:13

Nobody can when their child is five. You have no idea what coud be ahead of you, or whar kind of man your DS will be, so it's totally daft to think that your thoughts now have any relevance to a mother of an adult.

Nope, they are your babies no matter what their age and no matter what type of person they become.

saraclara · 10/04/2023 23:14

She’s posted in chat

So she has. My mistake.

Hawkins003 · 10/04/2023 23:15

saraclara · 10/04/2023 23:13

@DarkNecessities , I understand that you don't want to give away too much, but can you say whether she'd joined a cult-like religion, or one that's of a different culture than your own? Because I think that will make a difference to whether or not she can be brought back to you, or whether she's ever likely to compromise or calm down a bit (converts are initially much more committed to people born into a faith)

Confirmed: Islam,

MelodyPondsMum · 10/04/2023 23:15

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saraclara · 10/04/2023 23:16

VeronicaTimeTurner · 10/04/2023 23:13

Nobody can when their child is five. You have no idea what coud be ahead of you, or whar kind of man your DS will be, so it's totally daft to think that your thoughts now have any relevance to a mother of an adult.

Nope, they are your babies no matter what their age and no matter what type of person they become.

My children are in their mid 30s. I love them dearly, but mothering them and the emotions around that, are very different from when they were five. And so it should be. They are not babies.

Original poster

DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 23:17

Apologies/ If I had known there was an ‘Adult Children’ topic I would have posted there.

Obviously, you’re not going to cut off a 5 year old

OP posts:

iaapap · 10/04/2023 23:17

Has she become interested in the religion herself or through a partner?

can you identify things that always cause conflict and avoid those topics?

can you agree not to talk about religion?

Hawkins003 · 10/04/2023 23:17

@DarkNecessities
Keep the communication lines open, as and when the philosophy may not be as attractive as it may now be. That said all the best and positivity.

rightly or wrongly as for your dd judging you by the religions standard's.
all religions are written by humans for humans, so basically just a different person or people's philosophy on how they try to control or guide humanity.

MissMarplesbag · 10/04/2023 23:18

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I did think that her daughter could have become a Muslim which is why I asked earlier whether her experience was based on reality or stereotypes.

UnicornBoom · 10/04/2023 23:18

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TrombonesAreNotBones · 10/04/2023 23:18

I think a weekly catch up text/message is sufficient for contact with adult children; daily contact isn't helping you at the mo is it, OP. Dropping to weekly, light touch, no demands made contact is a sensible idea.

Can you distract yourself a bit for the current period; new crochet project, join scrabble club, return to choir, work your way through a cookbook type of thing?

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 10/04/2023 23:19

You think she is controlled and oppressed and you want to cut her off?
If I thought my child was controlled and oppressed the very last thing I’d do would be to cut them off. I’m very confused and think we need more information.

BellePeppa · 10/04/2023 23:20

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Simonjt · 10/04/2023 23:21

Well it appears one person is certainly trying to control and oppress the daughter.

VeronicaTimeTurner · 10/04/2023 23:23

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Yep the one sentence answers were a dead give away.

SkittlesInTheKitchen · 10/04/2023 23:24

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vdbfamily · 10/04/2023 23:25

My DH was ostracized by his parents when he became a Christian and then married me. It took 10 years to even persuade them to talk to us again and meet their 3 grandkids.
I often thought that had I been concerned for my child I would have tried to keep them close, not push them away.
If you feel strongly that she has been brainwashed and is not being true to herself, keep her close, show her love and try and get into honest conversations where she hears your concerns and you listen to her thoughts too .
It was very sad for my DH and for our children to try and explain to them why their grandparents were not interested.

UnicornBoom · 10/04/2023 23:27

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JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 23:28

The first thing I would do is to learn a little bit about Islam and its general values rather than focusing on one or two often misunderstood aspects. If she has converted because she in in love with a Muslim man don't make him the enemy.
If there's a religion that you know a bit about but don't follow, so eg Christianity, try seeing what values overlap. Many of the Abrahamic faiths have much in common.
She'll be fasting now so it might be best to just leave the channels of communication open for now.
You might also worry that as a woman she is being oppressed and treated as a 2nd class citizen. Again, learn as much as you can. Try some of the school resources.
We often fear what we do not understand

Family is very important to Islam. I think with enough love and understanding you can have a good relationship.

HalfASec · 10/04/2023 23:29

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Original poster

DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 23:29

I am far from anti Islam.

Islam appears to be anti anything that isn’t Islam though.

OP posts: