Considering cutting DD off

[DarkNecessities]

This is something I never, ever thought I would do. She’s 25 and has chosen to live a totally different lifestyle to me. I’ve tried so very hard to accept but my MH is suffering and as sad as it makes me feel. I just need to cut loose. I’m not sure how long for tbh

Where there is an information vacuum posters will make up their own information to fill it.

I think it's ok to admit you feel upset about it. Has she converted because she's married a Muslim? New converts tend to be more strict Vs born Muslims.
You shouldn't cut contact off she probably needs you more than ever, I'd change the subject if I was you if she brings up religion.

Op my mother embraced Islam many years ago. She had a difficult relationship with her mother, and indeed all of her family, for a quite a few years as they navigated the huge changes. With patience and understanding from both sides they made it through- but not without difficult moments. And actually my once devout-Christian grandmother converted to Islam herself.

I think for the time being some space may serve you both well. She is probably taking in so much information that it is quite overwhelming and she needs to learn how to apply it to her family with understanding and compassion. It is an obligation on Muslims to treat their mothers with the utmost respect and kindness, whether they share the same faith or not. There are several points in the quran where respecting and treating your parents well are mentioned, as well as in the teachings of the Prophet Muhammed (pbub). E.g.

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.” (quran 17.23)

The Prophet Muhammed (pbuh) said that 'Paradise lies at the feet of your mother'. Obviously this does not mean that every mother is a saint, deserving of unquestioned loyalty regardless of her actions. But if you are treating your daughter with respect and it is not reciprocated, then I would suggest you maybe take a step back to preserve your relationship and then pick it up again in the future once things have settled.

It’s also possible that it’s the dd who is being pushed into drinking alcohol or eating pork etc, and OP sees her refusal to do so as dd being oppressed and controlled.

I have seen non-Muslims urge teetotal Muslims to try a sip of their cocktail etc. at work events, drinks etc.

I agree. I think posters are sharing their views/experiences of Islam and religion in general however OPs dilemma seems to be how she can negotiate a relationship when she feels judged and criticised. Without examples of what been said or done to make her feel this way I'd say it's hard to help.
I'd suggest midway through Ramadan isn't a good time for opposing theological discussions...well certainly not if its impacting on MH.

There's a difference between raising concerns over how much someone drinks and berating them for drinking, no one has the right to berate another adult for their drinking or what they eat. If the daughter is criticising the mother simply because of her new religion then she is out of line. Some people will never agree to disagree because they are so convinced that they are right that they won't let it lie.

The OP can give as much or as little information as she like for whatever reason. You take it or leave it, not force your own narrative. OP has said she doesn't want to go into detail about what her daughter has or hasn't done, her choice, she just wants support from people who have gone through similar situation. At that point most normal people would think, 'no I have never had to reduce or go no contact with my child, I have nothing to contribute let me exit this thread' or 'I have been in a similar situation, heres what I can contribute. '
Reading comprehension on this site can be shocking sometimes. What OP's daughter has or has not done is not the point of this thread. At least until certain people start insisting on it.

Islam is a religion with nearly 2 billion people, it's massively diverse so it's really quite difficult to assume too much just from that.

"Zeal of the converted" is a cliché for a reason. It happens to new adherents of many religions.

personally I would keep contact open but more limited. If she has jumped in at the deep end she may moderate with time and perspective.

Do you not thinking the people suggesting to OP that her daughter may be radicalised is forcing a narrative? Or those saying she is telling her mother not to drink alcohol or eat bacon? Or is that all fine?

Yes, of course there's a difference. I just wished we knew what the daughter had said or done, or at least had a clue so we could decide if it was judging.

I work with lots of muslim families and they aren't "anti anything that isn't islam". I wonder if your daughter is trying to teach you about being a Muslim? You sound like you don't know much about it / don't know many Muslims. Its difficult with so little info though.

@Lysianthus Yes you misquoted me, I said ‘in the West where there is a prevailing ‘be who you wanna be’ attitude.’

Yes I do live in the uk, have done since day 1 and I totally stand by that comment. It’s no secret that here there is a greater focus on individualistic freedoms whereas within many organised religions as well as eastern cultures there is a community based focus.

@BartsLongLostBro no need for your hateful comments about Islam, even if you don’t like it. Stay respectful of other people’s religions, you only show yourself up when you’re not.

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow I can say what I want. Stop policing what opinions I should or shouldn't share. I hate a lot of the bigotry of Muslims I know and am related to. That's literally what the topic is about. It's my experience and it is as valid as before. I have experienced judgment of me based on my clothing, and put up with all sorts of honophobic comments, that are rife in many Muslim households. I don't think the OP should have to feel bad for the way she chooses to live her own life in her own home. The DD should be tolerant.

This. ^ I would be horrified if it was my daughter. Yes I really would. And IDGAF what anyone thinks or says about that. I don't believe ANYONE would be OK with it. YANBU @DarkNecessities

I don’t think Muslims particularly GAF what you think or say either

Bless, you think your view matters.

Obki. Bless you too if you think your view matters.

Ah yes, the 'midway through Ramadan' thing is definitely relevant. I know how bad tempered (hangry) I can be when I haven't eaten for hours. Maybe soft pedal any discussions until after Eid?

Apart from that, please people it is actually irrelevant what religion the OP's daughter is converting to. It's the relationship with the mother which is important. And actually Islam is well integrated with Christianity in many ways - as many posters have pointed out, it involves honouring your parents, and trying to lead a good life. I don't think anyone will argue that either of those are bad things.

I don't remember my studies of Islam as indicating that Muslims are especially intolerant of other religions, and AFAIK all the major religions are pretty tolerant of each other, looking to build on similarities to help everyone live a better life, rather than seeking to convert (Christians tend to be worst about the conversion thing, but even they are improving! 🙂)

OP, is your daughter being picky and spiteful towards you when you feel she is criticising, or is she just discussing her theology in a way which makes you feel attacked? What do you want to achieve? I think trying to get her not to convert may be a lost cause (in the same way as it is unwise for parents to argue against a specific partner, arguments against are likely to make a course of action more attractive). Could your aim be to be able to talk about deep beliefs with DD in an open and affirming way for you both?