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Original poster

Considering cutting DD off

243 replies

DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 22:19

This is something I never, ever thought I would do. She’s 25 and has chosen to live a totally different lifestyle to me. I’ve tried so very hard to accept but my MH is suffering and as sad as it makes me feel. I just need to cut loose. I’m not sure how long for tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 23:45

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 10/04/2023 23:42

Sorry you’re struggling OP.

As a Muslim I have come across many who have embraced Islam and the difficulties they have gone through with their families- I am somewhat familiar with the process which you may be going through - Islam is after all a way of life not just an idea.

By all means reduce contact for your mental health, this is a big adjustment for you to make. However don’t cut yourself off please - new Muslims need their families on side as much as ever.

And please don’t assume she is oppressed. For many non Muslims our way of life is unfathomable, but I can honestly tell you there is a beauty and contentment for us within it that you cannot see.

And finally - fyi Islam is not ‘anti anything not Islam’ - it’s just very clear about what is and is not ok, which is jarring to people who live in the West where there is a prevailing ‘be who you wanna be’ attitude. But many of us want to be Muslim, including your daughter. She probably desperately wants you to see the light she can see now hence the pressure. Good luck, I hope your relationship with her recovers.

Thank you ❤️
Currently, I feel that nothing I say or do is right.

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 10/04/2023 23:45

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VeronicaTimeTurner · 10/04/2023 23:45

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What the fuck??

UnicornBoom · 10/04/2023 23:46

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BitOutOfPractice · 10/04/2023 23:47

That’s why I empathised and asked questions for more information @UnicornBoom

rather than jumping in, with zero experience or context, to say I can’t imagine ever bring in this situation with my child. If you can’t imagine ever getting into a difficult position like this with your child you not only lack experience but also empathy and imagination.

I stand by my “useless” comment.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 10/04/2023 23:49

DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 23:45

Thank you ❤️
Currently, I feel that nothing I say or do is right.

Show quote history

It’s not uncommon for people who discover Islam to become quite intense - she will probably calm down in time. Bear in mind she’s just discovered the idea of an afterlife, heaven hell etc. If you suddenly truly believed in that and she didn’t you’d be going spare at her too hoping to make her see sense (or your new version of it).

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 10/04/2023 23:50

And if she’s being rude and judgemental you need to lay boundaries.

Islam tells us very clearly to be kind and respectful to our mothers, even if they are not Muslim.

UnicornBoom · 10/04/2023 23:50

BitOutOfPractice · 10/04/2023 23:47

That’s why I empathised and asked questions for more information @UnicornBoom

rather than jumping in, with zero experience or context, to say I can’t imagine ever bring in this situation with my child. If you can’t imagine ever getting into a difficult position like this with your child you not only lack experience but also empathy and imagination.

I stand by my “useless” comment.

Look, I get where you're coming from. Don't want to argue about it. You're probably right, in hindsight, my comment was a bit daft. But I never said your comment was useless, you told me mine was 🤣

allmyliesaretrue · 10/04/2023 23:50

I have reported more than one post. WTAF???

Surely any parent is going to struggle with their child suddenly converting to a religion that hasn't been part of their upbringing, and wonder why? I just wonder is this to 'please' a partner? I would be so upset if one of my children chose to adapt their religious (or not) views to appease a partner!!

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 10/04/2023 23:50

I will teach my kids to learn as much as they can and respect what others believe but that all doutrine and religion is nothing but brainwashing and none is to be followed , off course this means me accepting they might decide to follow one .
This being said, I admit I would be very upset if they choose any religion , specially Catholic or Muslim because they are such restrictive religions and because they go against every believe I passed on to them ( I would really be disappointed with them being homophobic as a example ) .
So yes Op I can see why you feel so disappointed, I would be too . Just always leave a door open .

TheShellBeach · 10/04/2023 23:50

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Except the daughter has converted to Islam.

SkittlesInTheKitchen · 10/04/2023 23:51

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Someone has reporting in night watch topic. If you go over and add your voice there, it might get noticed faster and hopefully deleted! I have done.

saraclara · 10/04/2023 23:51

twelly · 10/04/2023 23:42

I think the details are not relevant - many family members adopt lifestyles and become very hard work causing others a huge mental strain. No-one can judge this situation as the details are very personal and even writing about them would not convey a full picture. As I said before I think steping back is sometimes needed to preserve yourself.

This.

Some people here are having knee jerk reactions and making consequent assumptions...like this:
How do you know this is the case? You don’t because you are basing this on misinformation and stereotypes.

That poster has absolutely nothing to go on, yet she's assuming that OP is basing things on misinformation and stereotypes?
I'd gues that actually she's likely to be basing this on her daughter's behaviour. Which Is something that none of us have witnessed.

In my working life, just under half of my colleagues were Muslim, and 75% of the families I worked with were. as I'm sure the Muslim poster above would agree, is a broad faith...just as Christianity is. I worked with and for some lovely, devout andaccepting Muslim people. I also came across a few who were much more strident, strict and judgmental. If OP's DD is one of those and is constantly lecturing and trying to change her mum (and who has shown signs that others in the religion are using coercion) then of course OP is right to be frustrated and worried.

None of us knows where the daughter fits in to the range of Muslim attitudes. But assuming racism and ingorance on the OP's part is unfair.

weirdoboelady · 10/04/2023 23:52

I embraced meditation very enthusiastically in my early to mid twenties, and learnt a lot about lots of religions. My experience of children hurting their parents was most sharply focused on a meditation group where all food had to be prepared by members of the group (with love and meditation during the preparation, was the theory). Parents of young adults who joined this group were devastated that their kids would no longer eat anything they had prepared (in some cases, I think, not even a cup of tea).

I really can't see how beliefs like this spread love and human kindness (which to my mind, should be humanity's greatest aspiration).

Actually writing that has helped me to see how I would react to DD - by trying to talk to her about what her new religion is bringing to her life. Does she agree with the idea that spreading love and kindness is how to be good? If not, what does she think being good is, and achieves (apart from after-life promotion, of course. Maybe she thinks ALP is all it is). Perhaps you can agree on some shared ethics?

Aweebitpainful · 10/04/2023 23:53

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 10/04/2023 23:42

Sorry you’re struggling OP.

As a Muslim I have come across many who have embraced Islam and the difficulties they have gone through with their families- I am somewhat familiar with the process which you may be going through - Islam is after all a way of life not just an idea.

By all means reduce contact for your mental health, this is a big adjustment for you to make. However don’t cut yourself off please - new Muslims need their families on side as much as ever.

And please don’t assume she is oppressed. For many non Muslims our way of life is unfathomable, but I can honestly tell you there is a beauty and contentment for us within it that you cannot see.

And finally - fyi Islam is not ‘anti anything not Islam’ - it’s just very clear about what is and is not ok, which is jarring to people who live in the West where there is a prevailing ‘be who you wanna be’ attitude. But many of us want to be Muslim, including your daughter. She probably desperately wants you to see the light she can see now hence the pressure. Good luck, I hope your relationship with her recovers.

This. Exactly this.

LBFseBrom · 10/04/2023 23:54

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The op hasn't said the religion her daughter has embraced is Islam. Many people think all religions are oppressive.

In recent times I have come across atheists proselytising strongly - almost evangelically - showing no respect or even a little sensitivity to people who do have a religious faith.

UnicornBoom · 10/04/2023 23:55

LBFseBrom · 10/04/2023 23:54

The op hasn't said the religion her daughter has embraced is Islam. Many people think all religions are oppressive.

In recent times I have come across atheists proselytising strongly - almost evangelically - showing no respect or even a little sensitivity to people who do have a religious faith.

Show quote history

Actually, she has.

whatsyourpoison12 · 10/04/2023 23:56

do you live a life of debauchery and sin? if its islam the 'preaching' you mention may be what you need. count yourself as lucky that dd has had this awakening and work with her so you both can flourish into better people. unless she's joined the IS you are massively overreacting and it sounds a bit like projection to me as it forces you to face your own sins

VeronicaTimeTurner · 10/04/2023 23:56

The op hasn't said the religion her daughter has embraced is Islam. Many people think all religions are oppressive

Except she has

SkittlesInTheKitchen · 10/04/2023 23:56

LBFseBrom · 10/04/2023 23:54

The op hasn't said the religion her daughter has embraced is Islam. Many people think all religions are oppressive.

In recent times I have come across atheists proselytising strongly - almost evangelically - showing no respect or even a little sensitivity to people who do have a religious faith.

Show quote history

Yes they have. Read the thread.

saraclara · 10/04/2023 23:58

whatsyourpoison12 · 10/04/2023 23:56

do you live a life of debauchery and sin? if its islam the 'preaching' you mention may be what you need. count yourself as lucky that dd has had this awakening and work with her so you both can flourish into better people. unless she's joined the IS you are massively overreacting and it sounds a bit like projection to me as it forces you to face your own sins

See this is probably what OP is having to deal with from her daughter.

Original poster
DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 23:58

It is Islam and I was reluctant to say that originally. The responses since I have will explain why.

The entire thread has now been dominated by this fact and not about my relationship with my DD.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 11/04/2023 00:01

I read all the op's posts before my previous one, Unicorn, and must have missed where the op stated that (though I don't know how). I will go back and read again.

Lysianthus · 11/04/2023 00:01

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow Whilst I am open to debating, I'm slightly concerned at your line "most people in the west" though I may not have quoted correctly in which case I apologise. So many things to unpick. Mainly, that the 'state religion' traditionally in the Uk is the Cof E. Now while I realise that has changed over the years, there is still a majority Christian population here. You may not be in the UK.

OP asked for advice about her adult child who has decided for whatever reason to convert to a different religion to that they were brought up in, that's somewhat hard for the OP.

My advice would be to keep the door open but go relatively low contact if they can't have a reasonable debate about the decision. In an ideal world, the child would (in the spirit of their new religion) be kind to their parents. I think it's one of the main points in all religions 'honour your mother and father'.

If that doesn't work then sit tight and wait to see how she develops in maturity and age, and hopefully she'll come round to remembering how important you are to her. It doesn't need to change her mind about which religion she chooses, but with luck she'll have you in mind Flowers

Original poster
DarkNecessities · 11/04/2023 00:01

Yes @saraclara
Absolutely that, and also criticising other family members whom I obviously have no control over, or would want to.!

OP posts:
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