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Original poster

Considering cutting DD off

243 replies

DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 22:19

This is something I never, ever thought I would do. She’s 25 and has chosen to live a totally different lifestyle to me. I’ve tried so very hard to accept but my MH is suffering and as sad as it makes me feel. I just need to cut loose. I’m not sure how long for tbh

OP posts:
BadNomad · 10/04/2023 22:59

Daily contact is a bit much. Don't cut her off completely just in case she needs your help to get away one day, but do reduce the number of chats and ban any religious talk during them. If she can't respect that, hang up.

ZeroWorshipHere · 10/04/2023 22:59

Is she trans or non binary and you’re GC?

I do love a vaguepost

Schnooze · 10/04/2023 22:59

Much lower contact, yes. I think you can be honest why. Say that it’s hard to constantly hear things that you can’t empathise with, so unless religion is taken off the table completely, then for both your sakes it’s best to talk less.

Original poster
DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 22:59

I will google Grey Rock - thank you

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 10/04/2023 22:59

DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 22:54

Thank you @HamBone
That’s a good idea. I’ve been Teton to maintain daily contact to ensure she’s safe, but it’s not really working for me

Show quote history

I have a 25 year old DD, about to turn 26, and a 24 year old. They can both be utter PITAs. I can't imagine anything right now that would make me turn my back totally on either of them. You're not exactly convincing people here re cutting contact. That's very extreme.

Hawkins003 · 10/04/2023 23:00

DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 22:58

Some great advice

if it’s like pulling teeth or a ‘drip drip’ thread then please do dip out. I’m not asking if AIBU, just looking for support from others who may have been in a similar situation for whatever reason

Which is understandable, but to match the specifics it would help with at least the religion your dd has, otherwise it's a mix as to what perspectives people can offer.

nocoolnamesleft · 10/04/2023 23:00

Nobody can really tell if they've been in a similar situation unless you give at least a bit of information as to what the situation is.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2023 23:00

Has she gone vegan?

whatsyourpoison12 · 10/04/2023 23:00

DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 22:36

I’m not going to give specifics and I suspect most of you have never been in this situation.

I feel permanently judged and criticised.

Show quote history

how do you know that?

I have a few family members that ran off to the church of Scientology. I'm sure I'm not the only one here with experience

Dibbydoos · 10/04/2023 23:00

You have no ability to control anyone except yourself.
If she is controlled and oppressed she needs you, don't abandon her.

NotStayingIn · 10/04/2023 23:01

This is so pointless. Based on this, I'm siding with your daughter.

You're a pain in the arse. Your posts are deliberately vague and you have a very unpleasant, rude, condescending way of talking down to people. I haven't met you and I actively dislike you.

If you are like this with her you don't have a hope in hell of ever getting her back on your side.

Original poster
DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 23:02

TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2023 23:00

Has she gone vegan?

😂

OP posts:
UnicornBoom · 10/04/2023 23:02

BadNomad · 10/04/2023 22:59

Daily contact is a bit much. Don't cut her off completely just in case she needs your help to get away one day, but do reduce the number of chats and ban any religious talk during them. If she can't respect that, hang up.

Am I the only person who this is pissing off a bit? OP might have good reason to be worried, but for all we know she might just be a massive dickhead who doesn't like certain religions. We just don't know because she's given so little info. Advising someone to 'ban any religious talk' when you don't even know the content of what's being talked about, what the religion is etc is awful. And yes I'm dipping out now because this thread is irritating as anything!

Ponderingwindow · 10/04/2023 23:04

I’m zeroing I’m on the comment that you dd is controlled and oppressed.

if you simply had a philosophical disagreement, but were both living happy, healthy lives, this would not really be a difficult situation. The best approach would be to agree that neither of you discusses your belief system with the other.

you don’t think your dd is leading a healthy life though. If you believe she has entered a group situation that does not have her best interests at heart, I would treat this like having a family member in an abusive marriage. You can’t make the person leave. What you can do is keep the lines of communication open and somehow convey the message that you are always ready to help when they are ready to leave. If they aren’t ready to admit to the abuse yet, you can’t say things like when you leave you can come stay with me, so you have to be less direct than that. Maybe make it clear that you have a spare room and if she (and the kids) ever wanted to come for the summer holidays you would love to host.

in the meantime, if she openly criticizes you, I would reply that certain subjects are off limits. If you just feel judged, then work on developing a thicker skin.

LittleRedRoses · 10/04/2023 23:04

allmyliesaretrue · 10/04/2023 22:59

I have a 25 year old DD, about to turn 26, and a 24 year old. They can both be utter PITAs. I can't imagine anything right now that would make me turn my back totally on either of them. You're not exactly convincing people here re cutting contact. That's very extreme.

Show quote history

It’s very common on MN for DC to go NC with parents for very petty reasons. I find some of these posts odd considering the posts urging DC to go NC.

saraclara · 10/04/2023 23:05

UnicornBoom · 10/04/2023 22:37

My son isn't even 5 yet but I can't inshibe cutting him off because of his religion. I'd work very, very hard to make it work even if it meant holding my tongue or choosing not to talk about certain topics. We don't own our children.

Nobody can when their child is five. You have no idea what coud be ahead of you, or whar kind of man your DS will be, so it's totally daft to think that your thoughts now have any relevance to a mother of an adult.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 23:07

@DarkNecessities are you culturally of the same religious background as DD, but not observant or is it a totally 'new' religion?

I ask because I am Jewish and I had lots of friends who did a year in Israel (we did not as our parents are traditional rather than observant and besides they could not afford to send us) and they 'flipped out' ie became very observant, judging parents and friends who were not. However, in all but one case it calmed down when they had been back at home for 12 month and they realised how hard/limiting the same level of observance is when the society you live in is not geared to making it easy/ automatic. The most important thing was that family and friends kept the door open

SkittlesInTheKitchen · 10/04/2023 23:08

DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 22:58

Some great advice

if it’s like pulling teeth or a ‘drip drip’ thread then please do dip out. I’m not asking if AIBU, just looking for support from others who may have been in a similar situation for whatever reason

You didn’t say that m, and have chosen to be rude to people who posted who couldn’t possibly have known what you were looking for.

twelly · 10/04/2023 23:09

I think that you can reach a point with very close relatives where they impact so heavily on your own health that you have to take a step back for your own self-preservation. I think cutting off all contact can be too stressful but certainly taking a huge step back can be beneficial. Its like the proverb about looking after the golden egg - you can't look after the egg all the time at the expense of your own health ie the goose as when you are really needed you aren't there.

saraclara · 10/04/2023 23:10

SkittlesInTheKitchen · 10/04/2023 23:08

You didn’t say that m, and have chosen to be rude to people who posted who couldn’t possibly have known what you were looking for.

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She's explained what she's looking for several times. She's posted on the Adult Children branch to ask if anyone's been in the same position. This is not AIBU.

MelodyPondsMum · 10/04/2023 23:10

If you genuinely think she's controlled and oppressed then this is a point where she needs you most. She just needs you to be there for her. To say you support her choices. I think it's pretty shoddy that you can't do that for her. But I don't support parents cutting DCs off because they disagree with their decisions. If they're criminally abusive then yy cut them off. Because they've found a religion or belief system you don't agree with? No.

Gagaandgag · 10/04/2023 23:12

Would you feel comfortable sharing the religion?

BadNomad · 10/04/2023 23:12

UnicornBoom · 10/04/2023 23:02

Am I the only person who this is pissing off a bit? OP might have good reason to be worried, but for all we know she might just be a massive dickhead who doesn't like certain religions. We just don't know because she's given so little info. Advising someone to 'ban any religious talk' when you don't even know the content of what's being talked about, what the religion is etc is awful. And yes I'm dipping out now because this thread is irritating as anything!

Show quote history

The woman is talking about cutting her daughter off because her daughter's new religion is doing her head in. Why should she have to sit and listen to it every day? I wouldn't. I also wouldn't tolerate someone going on about politics, or their anti-vax beliefs, or any other opposing view. No one is obligated to. Not even your own mother.

Original poster
DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 23:12

Thank you to those who have commented constructively and have some understanding of the situation. The details are irrelevant as this is not an AIBU but about my ability to cope with it and my own MH.

You’re absolutely right that I need to reduce but not cut off contact and leave a door open.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkNecessities · 10/04/2023 23:13

Gagaandgag · 10/04/2023 23:12

Would you feel comfortable sharing the religion?

Yes - it’s Islam

OP posts: