Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think there isn't an excuse for an adult to live filthy

240 replies

bubblec · 30/03/2023 20:39

Let's put aside the vulnerable who for obvious reasons can't be included in this discussions. + not a shame post for people who do genuinely like to be in a clean environment but sometimes work and family gets in the way.

Why is it that grown adults who are more than capable of cleaning, just CHOOSE to be dirty and live In such environments that are clearly very unhygienic.

Even worse why does society treat some grown adults like they are little children who 'tried their best'. Your telling me a grown adult can't programme as an example, how to fix the bed in a decent manner that doesn't look like a 4 year old done up.

I am raging because I am in a position where I like to keep things decently clean and liveable whereas the other person has 0 care and then gets left on me because I know they simply don't care enough.

It should be a very bare minimum!!

Throw your thoughts ....

OP posts:
YesSirMam · 30/03/2023 22:25

pncr · 30/03/2023 22:23

Not all of it. I need her to wash my floors and do my kitchen.

Cleaning the shower screen I've done maybe 3 times in my life. Ironing the same. She irons but I'd just shove the stuff in a drawer. Or hang it up

She does all sorts of things that I've never done in my life. Some sort of electric scrubber thing for the extractor. Same for the skirting boards. I've never done that in my life.

Out of curiosity. How much do you pay her and where are you from? Roughly

Olive19741205 · 30/03/2023 22:26

pncr · 30/03/2023 22:23

Not all of it. I need her to wash my floors and do my kitchen.

Cleaning the shower screen I've done maybe 3 times in my life. Ironing the same. She irons but I'd just shove the stuff in a drawer. Or hang it up

She does all sorts of things that I've never done in my life. Some sort of electric scrubber thing for the extractor. Same for the skirting boards. I've never done that in my life.

Yes so you're admitting that cleaning and taking care of a house needs to be done...yet you're giving OP a really hard time for something you actually agree on??? Just a bit confused by your posting. You seem to be really defensive.

pncr · 30/03/2023 22:26

I pay her £20 an hour. She asked for less with extra for doing the windows and organising cupboards and those sort of things so I just said I'd pay her £20 an hour every week and she could just do whatever she feels is needed. She also gets paid if she or I are on holiday or she's otherwise not needed a week.

Original poster
bubblec · 30/03/2023 22:27

@ChubbyMorticia

Lol if I based my relationship with people on how messy they are, my circle would be very very small.

He has many other great qualities in a person but doesn't excuse him not picking up after himself. In fact, he use to be a lot worse and now he doesn't like to live in a shit ton of mess how he used to before he met me. We are working on the cleaning but he doesn't make excuses at least.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblec · 30/03/2023 22:28

JudgeRudy · 30/03/2023 22:23

I've read a few more posts now so I'm definitely going to mention making the bed....I think really what youre asking is not simply how can some people live in chaos and filth, but also why do others make excuses for them. A grown adult with their body and mental faculties in place should be quite capable of making a bed properly (oops, I've mentioned it) without the need for a medal or a 'bless him'.

This sort of thing

https://fb.watch/jBJqOxJA-e/

BB2 - Man does Thing

Yesss!

OP posts:
Olive19741205 · 30/03/2023 22:28

pncr · 30/03/2023 22:24

I've never pretended to be anything but a disorganised mess.

My partner was told clearly before we got properly together what I was like and he saw it for himself.

Apparently I'm great company and the sex is fantastic so he's happy to stay Wink

But you organised a cleaner as you obviously prefer to live in a clean/organised house. No-one is saying you're a disorganised mess.

pncr · 30/03/2023 22:32

I need the floors done because they're a trip hazard (physical disability) but they wouldn't bother me other than that. They never did before I was disabled physically.

I don't do my bed every week. I do it about once a fortnight.

She cleans out my fridge and organises my cupboards so stuff doesn't fall out and hit me and I can get (as in reach) the things I need (that I couldn't reach due to physical disability).

So I got her basically to do floors and kitchen and keep the cupboards in a way that I could reach them when I first had my life changing accident and she's able to do far more than that so I'm happy for her to do it. She takes the rubbish out. She tidies the sheets and towels and stuff.

But honestly if the floors weren't a trip hazard and I could reach the high cupboards (I can't) I wouldn't need her.

Like I wouldn't clean the bathroom like she does. I'd have wiped a cloth round but the bathroom cabinet would've hardly shut. Now it shuts and there's no out of date meds. But I didn't mind when there was out of date paracetamol. I'd have taken them anyway 😂😂

pncr · 30/03/2023 22:33

The minimum she will do is 4 hours. If all she did in 4 hours was my floors and organised the cupboards so that what I needed was where I could reach it, I wouldn't care if she did anything else. She does the rest because her minimum visit is 4 hours.

BlüeöysterCunt · 30/03/2023 22:34

I think there are actually loads of excuses. Trauma, poor upbringing, low self esteem, ADHD/ASD, OCD... It's not always selfishness or laziness. I appreciate it's hard to live with someone like that though.

pncr · 30/03/2023 22:34

And I know I'm not everyone's pick and that some people would find me impossible to live with. And that's ok coz I wouldn't want to live with some people either.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/03/2023 22:35

I don't live with my partner. He can't be arsed to make his bed. I like to make my bed. But I'm also quite relaxed about how neat and tidy things need to be. As is he, in different areas. We're both intelligent, caring, mature and emotionally aware adults.

Why is making the bed or being neat a sign of maturity, to you?

LemonLymanDotCom · 30/03/2023 22:36

OP sounds like my mum.

elm26 · 30/03/2023 22:37

I can't go to bed with the kitchen in a mess. At the very most, sometimes I leave a pan to soak on the side if it needs it.

I give my bed an airing every day, pull back covers as PP said.

I Hoover every other day because I have a dog and I can't stand a grubby bathroom so the taps, sink and toilet get a wipe down and some bleach down the loo every night as we go to bed so it can soak before somebody needs to get up for a wee.

Then a full clean and dust at the weekend.

pncr · 30/03/2023 22:38

My partner has quirks that have cost him his long term relationships before. The partners couldn't cope with the particular issue.

I can. It doesn't bother me

Am I more mature Than them because it doesn't bother me or are we all just different?

Original poster
bubblec · 30/03/2023 22:40

BlüeöysterCunt · 30/03/2023 22:34

I think there are actually loads of excuses. Trauma, poor upbringing, low self esteem, ADHD/ASD, OCD... It's not always selfishness or laziness. I appreciate it's hard to live with someone like that though.

I have childhood trauma and I unfortunately have low self-esteem. I am sure I also have something else someone mentioned above. My house can be a right state sometimes, but I find the time to put it back and that personally helps me mentally as well. + yes it's very difficult to live with someone who doesn't see what you see.

As a woman, no one ever praises me for the great job of cleaning I do while working 5x a week 9-5 + all other chores & raising kids which brings me to my other point why do 'men' sorry to gender pick but need to be praised for doing a half ass job when they are very capable of doing a good job on something as so simple as doing the bed - from my original example. Can also apply to females but I have mainly seen that kind of behaviour in men.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblec · 30/03/2023 22:41

LemonLymanDotCom · 30/03/2023 22:36

OP sounds like my mum.

I am a mum, wonder if it's that haha

OP posts:
BlüeöysterCunt · 30/03/2023 22:43

bubblec · 30/03/2023 22:40

I have childhood trauma and I unfortunately have low self-esteem. I am sure I also have something else someone mentioned above. My house can be a right state sometimes, but I find the time to put it back and that personally helps me mentally as well. + yes it's very difficult to live with someone who doesn't see what you see.

As a woman, no one ever praises me for the great job of cleaning I do while working 5x a week 9-5 + all other chores & raising kids which brings me to my other point why do 'men' sorry to gender pick but need to be praised for doing a half ass job when they are very capable of doing a good job on something as so simple as doing the bed - from my original example. Can also apply to females but I have mainly seen that kind of behaviour in men.

Show quote history

It's great that you're able to do that. I have everything I listed and more, and I really struggle to do even basic self care let alone clean the house. We're all different. I know I am a nightmare to live with though!

pncr · 30/03/2023 22:47

As a woman, no one ever praises me for the great job of cleaning I do while working 5x a week 9-5 + all other chores & raising kids which brings me to my other point why do 'men' sorry to gender pick but need to be praised for doing a half ass job when they are very capable of doing a good job on something as so simple as doing the bed - from my original example. Can also apply to females but I have mainly seen that kind of behaviour in men.

I'm definitely female and if I made The bed my partner would be shocked. He tried pointing out what I'd done wrong and how I could do it better so I gave him the options of doing it himself or there's the door.... he chose to stay

farnhamgal · 30/03/2023 23:38

I agree with you OP. It's the peoples that complain about having a messy house and find it so hard to keep on top of. But if you do a little a day, nots not hard at all.

I'd hate to live with someone as unhygienic as you mentioned. Crumbs make me feel really itchy. A messy home makes me feel so on edge the whole time.

It's easy to keep on top of if you do a little bit daily. That's working with a toddler in tow too. I view my home as my safe space and my sanctuary. If that became filthy I wouldn't see it as home.

Original poster
bubblec · 31/03/2023 00:16

farnhamgal · 30/03/2023 23:38

I agree with you OP. It's the peoples that complain about having a messy house and find it so hard to keep on top of. But if you do a little a day, nots not hard at all.

I'd hate to live with someone as unhygienic as you mentioned. Crumbs make me feel really itchy. A messy home makes me feel so on edge the whole time.

It's easy to keep on top of if you do a little bit daily. That's working with a toddler in tow too. I view my home as my safe space and my sanctuary. If that became filthy I wouldn't see it as home.

That is 100% my thoughts also. Honestly messy home makes my whole body itch. In my opinion a home can also mirror who you are as a person in many ways. Like I keep saying , a little goes a long way.

OP posts:
TheFireflies · 31/03/2023 08:57

YesSirMam · 30/03/2023 22:14

This is ridiculous. We are living in times where there’s an excuse for everything. Nobody has to take responsibility for anything anymore. It blows my mind. Sone people have no disability they are just messy & dirty. Why is that so hard to accept.

Maybe they are. But it still nobody else’s business if that’s how they choose to live, as long as it doesn’t impact on children or dependents.

If this is your partner, OP, then it’s your choice to be with them or not. You literally made your bed.

CoffeeWithCheese · 31/03/2023 09:27

UniversalTruth · 30/03/2023 20:42

There's quite a cavernous gap between living 'filthy' and not making the bed imo.

Oh I bet their bed is full of pointless scatter cushions and silly strips of stunt blanket that look pretty but take 20 minutes to remove each night when you want to go to sleep.

Such typical MN - faux horror that someone might make the bed like a 4 year old - pillow on, duvet on... job done.

I have zero intent on spending an hour a day cleaning cos some muppet on the internet says it has to be so or I'm not a decent human being. There are reasons I don't have the need or inclination to justify to someone having a judgemental lazy Friday of internet amusement why things might get untidy sometimes - one of them being that I'd rather spend time with my family than yelling for them not putting a cup in the dishwasher immediately.

You really do not have a clue OP - I work in community in a mental health trust - people are different, people process things differently - as long as people are healthy, happy and the house isn't a REAL (that's a real, not a MN someone hasn't put 97 chemicals down their sink on an hourly basis) health hazard... let people live.

CoffeeWithCheese · 31/03/2023 09:27

Might want to look into therapy for that raging OCD if you're physically itching over mess and having fainting fits at the horror of an unmade bed though.

loislovesstewie · 31/03/2023 09:35

I lived with a hoarder for over 40 years. My husband who died last year. Since his death I have disposed of tons of his effects, yes I think it probably did weigh a ton. I can move around rooms, I can keep them clean, which was impossible before. I am having work done to the house which I could not do when it was a mess. He didn't see the mess, but I did every single day. Some people really don't care. I do. I am not a total neat freak but I feel better mentally for not living in a mess. And, yes, I do make my bed after it's aired, because it just finishes off the room. It looks more inviting than a duvet thrown haphazardly on the bed. If that makes me OCD then fine.

Chocolatesandroses · 31/03/2023 09:36

I do completely get what you mean op, your talking about people who haven’t cleaned the toilet in years or kitchen and plates everywhere etc . I think unless there’s a good reason like mental health , physical, illness then it’s unacceptable, I don’t understand how people live like that . I always remember going in to someone’s home years ago and it was the most tidy organised home I had ever seen but you know what it was absolutely filthy . I must admit I can be a untidy person at times but my house is clean