I’m watching an affair unfold in front of me.

[AnyoneElse1982]

I don’t usually notice this stuff. I won’t be saying a word to anyone. But I can see an affair going on. It’s a neighbour of mine.

I’m seeing him with the OW more and more. She’s a friend of a friend (hence I notice her) very attractive. I’ve just seen them in the coffee shop together now.

I feel sad for my lady neighbour. I can see that even if something hasn’t actually happened (because how would I know) her H sees this OW is a lot, I see them together most days now, neighbour is a teacher. I do an early school run so see her leave. Each morning I see her H and OW walking together when I get back. It’s entirely coincidental my timings match.

I won’t say a word, but I can see it in front of me, body language has changed over time between them.

im only putting it here because I won’t be saying a word as I can’t know for sure. But I strongly suspect. It’s not something that would bother me, just I’m seeing it out of no choice of mine unfold in front of me.

One of the strangest posts I’ve ever seen on MN.
It’s strange that you “hope” the spouses and kids don’t get hurt. Can you describe to me a situation in which an affair wouldn’t cause hurt?

OP is what used to be called a 'curtain twitcher'.

😂😂😂 the cool wife tickles me!

I've been torn a new arsehole in my early MN days for stupidly admitting to both DP and I being close friends with people of the opposite sex.
I'm apparently a gullible fucking idiot.
I suffered agoraphobia during a PND period and DP's best friend picked me up once a week and took me out to play pokemon go in the local park and for then lunch. I adore him. A kind soul indeed.
Managed to not end up having a fling or in a cuckolding situation, apparently I'm boring fucking idiot 😂

My DH came home from the gym a few years ago and said he'd noticed coach getting a bit attentive to one of the members. They're married now. I was impressed he'd noticed!

We had several of my partners ex-girlfriends at our wedding. He has lots of female friends he goes out with (gigs etc) and meets up with for lunch. Some I know and some I don't.

One he sees quite a lot as she's his best mate (as well as an ex-girlfriend from about 30 years ago).

Doesn't bother me in the slightest. Am I weird??

You definitely should not get involved or pass any comments or jibes. You have no idea about the truth, whether the wife knows or not, cares or not.

I’m with @gamerchick - say something so if there’s anything going on, he knows you know. Can you really stand by and let everyone get hurt? If nothings going on, no harm done, but if there is, he’ll know you know.

I’d assumed the post you quoted was written in a tone of dripping sarcasm.

"He’s lovely! The OW is lovely!! I know them all, I think it’s just like evolved."

No he is not "lovely" and no the OW is not "lovely either.

Its not fashionable in 2023 to say it, when following your heart and "speaking your truth" is all that matters, but when it boils down to it, it is just two people thinking of themselves above everything else.

Its lust (at this stage at least) nothing more, nothing less.

Me too! For all his faults, jealousy is not one my H has. Or if he does, he knows I give him no cause to spark it. I’ve always had male friends, met new ones since he has known me, and I’m good mates with an Ex.

He has always had female friends.

Of course you can say something.

Next time you see them inhaling each other's breath in the coffee shop, bounce up to them & ask the guy how his lovely wife is.

I think you protest too much with the "i'll not be saying a word"........who have you told OP? 😂

Life isn't this black and white. They may well be lovely people who are doing an awful thing. People do bad things because they don't think, because they're stressed or depressed, because they develop strong attractions, or just because they're bloody stupid sometimes, but rarely because they're intentionally malicious.

It's tempting to put people into "good" and "bad" categories because of course we always believe we're in the former and we can never be stressed / unthinking / stupid and fall into the latter, but people are complex.

Can you describe to me a situation in which an affair wouldn’t cause hurt

If they don't find out. I had one friend having an affair for abiout 6 years, her husband never found out. Another friend has had affairs with every partner she's been with. Never been found out.

You have obviously noticed them getting closer and closer. A simple walk and coffee here and there is nothing, but you've noticed the chemistry between them.
He isn't lovely if he is cheating on his wife. Neither is the OW.

I think if I had a lovely neighbour and saw her DH potentially playing away on a regular basis I'd probably take pictures of them being very close, print them and drop them and drop them through her door. She can then make an informed decision. If she knows they meet and is fine with it, then its no issue. She may not realise how often or how close they are though, and at least them she can ask him or find out more for herself if its crossing a line.

I get the whole its none of your business thing. But I couldn't stand by and watch some poor woman, who was lovely and I was friendly with be cheated on without knowing.

I can't understand not saying something to the OH if you're convinced someone is having an affair, especially given STDs exist. 😬 Surely confronting the potential cheater will just make them aggressive or more sneaky?

Could very easily be a platonic but touchy-feely friendship or an open relationship though. I'm poly and I really hope anyone who's silently agonising about whether there's cheating going on confronts us so we can set the record straight. 😂

Oh, well thats ok then 🙄
By the way, you have selfish, shitty friends, with shitty morals.

Christ there's a dad at school that I often walk with, plus I've been to their house a few times when wife not there.
I'm definitely NOT having an affair with him! And have no intention of doing so.
Hope his neighbours don't have similar suspicions to you.

If they were having an affair surely they'd be more discreet anyway?

I think the OP should start keeping a diary of when she sees them together, and where, what they were wearing, the weather at the time etc.

The OP should start trying to "accidentally" meet them in different places by following them down the street with her notepad and smartphone, and post updates onto MN when anything out of the ordinary happens.

Make sure you wear dark glasses while you doing this so that they don't recognise you.

Make comments to his wife saying "how lovely it is to see her husband out and about with his friend" etc.

Lockheart · Today 10:58 Lockhart. I did not say life is black and white.
However in these situations, however anyone wants to spin it (whether the two people involved or anyone else looking in for whatever personal reasons they have to interpret it the way they do) people have a lot of control over their actions.
I agree you cannot control your feelings in this type of situation but 99% of the time you can control your actions and you can decide to give or even just allow the flame some oxygen or not.

The rest is just bullshit which people tell themselves and each other to reinforce their own choices and negate any inkling of guilt they might possibly feel.

Your poor lady neighbour.

@YouTarzan people can be hurt by things they don't know about. It's very hard to have an affair, be emotionally invested in that and not have your behaviour change towards your spouse! The wife (or husband) knows that something is wrong but are lied to when they ask!
Affairs involve actively deceiving and often gaslighting the spouse - it's shitty!
And that's before you get to the physical risk cheating puts the spouse at risk from - if my h was cheating on me, I wouldn't trust him to be protecting me from std.

Some people can be friends with nothing untoward going on, but a lot of the time close friendships that exclude the spouse, tip into affairs, since focus of attention shifts and all the emotional needs are being met by the AP instead of the spouse.

If it is an affair, then they'll be caught soon enough if they're being that indiscreet.

Does the OW live nearby too? Or is she driving to see him each day? Pretty brazen of them to be out and about so regularly if they are having an affair.

Cool wife is one of my favourite Mumsnet phrases😂 In my mind, the cool wife is slim, attractive and effortlessly stylish. She giggles and laughs with male friends and other women regard her with great suspicion. She is the subject of gossip amongst other mums on the school run. Her DH is equally attractive.

Gosh I’m shocked your marriage survived that brazen behaviour with your DP’s best friend. Walks in the park and lunch?!😲