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I slept with married exH last night.

164 replies

whitesunglasses · 21/03/2023 16:32

I know that I’m going to get the flaming of a lifetime for this but I’m not sure what to do.

ExH and I have known each other our whole lives. We got married very young, had a daughter, made mistakes and broke up.

Six years later, our DD is 8 - me and exH have matured, we’re still close and we co-parent really well. I’m currently single, ex has a girlfriend and an 18mo son.

Recently lost a v close relative. The funeral in relatives hometown is quite a distance and very rural. It was just going to be me and DD, but ex offered to come with us so that he could support DD (this is her first bereavement), support me (only child) and because we’ve known each other our whole lives, he also wanted to go to the funeral as he was close to the family member.

He drove us here and we’re staying in a cottage with DD. I know that his gf wasn’t thrilled about him coming with us and she’s been ringing him constantly. We’re very close for exes I suppose, and this has been difficult for her. Part of the reason I feel so crap is because this is, I imagine, exactly what she was worried would happen.

Last night, we’d had dinner and put DD to bed. We were chilling out after a busy day and just chatting, listening to music etc. There was no alcohol involved.

Eventually, the conversation got a bit sentimental and ex said that he’d missed getting to spend the day ‘as a family’. We’d seen relatives, spoken to the church, took DD to the park, done a supermarket shop and then made dinner etc - nothing special but it did feel nice. I responded that it had been nice. He asked me if I thought we’d have made it work had we been a bit older, and instead of doing the sensible thing and nipping it in the bud, I said yes.

When I was ready to go to bed, I said goodnight - went to kiss on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips. We ended up having sex, twice.

This morning, we’ve not really spoken about it because of course things are busy and DD is around but he did whisper in my ear as we were making breakfast that he had no regrets. We are entirely platonic and normal around DD, we’d never want to confuse her.

I feel really awful. I feel very guilty because of his girlfriend and her son. I also feel guilty because actually, it was wonderful. So familiar and right in a way that it’s never been with anybody since. He said he always has and always will love me.

I’m aware that I’m very emotional with the funeral so not using my best judgement but I just don’t know how to approach the next few days - we’re here until weekend and I’m not sure what to do.

Do I ask him to leave? Even though he wants to be at the funeral and DD would be gutted? What should we do if we want to give it another go?

OP posts:
whitesunglasses · 21/03/2023 16:33

I put married in the title, he’s not married - I don’t know why I wrote that! But he does have a gf and a baby.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 21/03/2023 16:35

I can see how it would happen, but I think it's really awful that you both did that given has an 18 month old child.

KindergartenKop · 21/03/2023 16:35

Don't do it again.
Let him stay.
Reappraise once the dust has settled in a few weeks.

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 21/03/2023 16:36

If someone who knew you read this it would be very easy to identify you.

No idea what you should do except not do it again while he has a partner.

Weallgottachangesometime · 21/03/2023 16:36

Personally I think you should ask him to leave and stay somewhere else near by. He can come to help with DD and attend the funeral but I would want distance.

if you want to be together he can leave his partner and then you can look as getting together properly. Not behind others backs or after a bereavement.

Realistically how is this going to end? Badly I suspect, especially for the 2 children involved.

Viviennemary · 21/03/2023 16:37

Well it's done now. You are both to blame. So does this mean you still have feelings for each other. Is it going to happen again.

whitesunglasses · 21/03/2023 16:38

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/03/2023 16:35

I can see how it would happen, but I think it's really awful that you both did that given has an 18 month old child.

I know. I’m really disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than this.

OP posts:
whitesunglasses · 21/03/2023 16:39

KindergartenKop · 21/03/2023 16:35

Don't do it again.
Let him stay.
Reappraise once the dust has settled in a few weeks.

Thank you.

Definitely won’t be doing it again. This is good advice.

OP posts:
Showersugar · 21/03/2023 16:39

Those poor bloody kids

MaggieFS · 21/03/2023 16:40

Well yes, you are both at fault, and what happens when he goes home to his wife and son and that's a nice family unit too.

Sounds like he's trying to have the best of both world's which just isn't possible.

You need to keep your distance from each other and if you can't trust yourself, he needs to move out.

whitesunglasses · 21/03/2023 16:41

Weallgottachangesometime · 21/03/2023 16:36

Personally I think you should ask him to leave and stay somewhere else near by. He can come to help with DD and attend the funeral but I would want distance.

if you want to be together he can leave his partner and then you can look as getting together properly. Not behind others backs or after a bereavement.

Realistically how is this going to end? Badly I suspect, especially for the 2 children involved.

Thank you for your advice. It shouldn’t have happened and it’s a mess, you’re right.

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 21/03/2023 16:41

Sorry, gf, not wife.

Walterwhiteswifey · 21/03/2023 16:42

Your post is very outing OP, just be careful as his GF may be on here...

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 16:43

whitesunglasses · 21/03/2023 16:33

I put married in the title, he’s not married - I don’t know why I wrote that! But he does have a gf and a baby.

Was going to ask.

Either way.

Go to the funeral with him.

Do not reignite anything. Your poor child will be so confused.

Tell his girlfriend who clearly already knew something was up.

minou123 · 21/03/2023 16:43

Sorry, just to clarify, does he have a baby/child with his gf?

If so, this is not a good man.

Why do you want to give it another go with a man who has just, very easily, cheated on his gf who he has a baby with?

OldLadyChinaCup · 21/03/2023 16:43

Firstly, if his partner is on here, this is hugely recognisable.
Secondly, you know it was wrong but it was familiarity that made it good and nice. However, that doesn’t mean it’s right for the two if you to be together. It may be that you are meant to be together but this isn’t the way forward.
If you genuinely want to get back together and more so if you don’t, you must not let this happen again. Keep apart. He’s in a relationship with someone else and they have a young child. Get through everything in a civil manner and see how things are in a couple of weeks. If things are going to happen then have the decency to stay well away until he’s been honest with his partner and ensured she is ok. Don’t be his cosy, familiar shag. It’s happened now and can’t be undone. All you can do now is ensure that you don’t end up either being used for a couple of days or falling into a pattern of casual sex.

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 16:44

Walterwhiteswifey · 21/03/2023 16:42

Your post is very outing OP, just be careful as his GF may be on here...

I hope she is.

This is awful

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 16:45

What should we do if we want to give it another go? don't assume he does

SofaSpuds · 21/03/2023 16:45

In Hollywood you would both hold hands and disappear off into the sunset together..... but this is not a movie. Both of you need to take some time & figure out answer you want here; if you do want to be together be adults about it and make sure he tells his gf before anything else happens.
If it's a one off, make sure it stays that way!

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 16:45

Send him home to his gf to tell her the truth and keep your hands to yourself from now on ffs. Shame on you both.

whitesunglasses · 21/03/2023 16:45

Viviennemary · 21/03/2023 16:37

Well it's done now. You are both to blame. So does this mean you still have feelings for each other. Is it going to happen again.

I don’t know if feelings ever went away fully but I kind of considered that normal given we grew up together, first love etc. It just seems obvious to me that we still love each other in a background, friends who were first loves kind of way.

We were very young and silly, made mistakes and then sort of kept missing the opportunity to really figure things out. I think emotions are running high, I don’t know.

OP posts:
Walterwhiteswifey · 21/03/2023 16:46

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 16:44

I hope she is.

This is awful

Yes I feel sorry for the GF

monsterradeliciosa · 21/03/2023 16:47

whitesunglasses · 21/03/2023 16:39

Thank you.

Definitely won’t be doing it again. This is good advice.

My thought here is to ask how you know you won't do it again?

OldLadyChinaCup · 21/03/2023 16:47

Yes, just because he has no regrets doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to leave his gf and play house with you.

also, and this is super important, your daughter is now 8yrs. She isn’t phased by you not being together. However, if you get together and it doesn’t work then he ends up leaving again that could seriously mess her up emotionally. Please be careful not to do this. If you do end up seeing each other please keep it a secret from your daughter until you’re both 100% sure.

premicrois · 21/03/2023 16:48

I know. I’m really disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than this.

I'm usually the first to flame cheaters but it looks like he has taken advantage of your vulnerability here. He knows you well enough to manipulate you into sex on the pretence of being there to 'comfort'. I'm not saying you are blameless as of course it should not have happened but this guy knew exactly what he was doing to prey on you in a weak moment