I slept with married exH last night.

[whitesunglasses]

I know that I’m going to get the flaming of a lifetime for this but I’m not sure what to do.

ExH and I have known each other our whole lives. We got married very young, had a daughter, made mistakes and broke up.

Six years later, our DD is 8 - me and exH have matured, we’re still close and we co-parent really well. I’m currently single, ex has a girlfriend and an 18mo son.

Recently lost a v close relative. The funeral in relatives hometown is quite a distance and very rural. It was just going to be me and DD, but ex offered to come with us so that he could support DD (this is her first bereavement), support me (only child) and because we’ve known each other our whole lives, he also wanted to go to the funeral as he was close to the family member.

He drove us here and we’re staying in a cottage with DD. I know that his gf wasn’t thrilled about him coming with us and she’s been ringing him constantly. We’re very close for exes I suppose, and this has been difficult for her. Part of the reason I feel so crap is because this is, I imagine, exactly what she was worried would happen.

Last night, we’d had dinner and put DD to bed. We were chilling out after a busy day and just chatting, listening to music etc. There was no alcohol involved.

Eventually, the conversation got a bit sentimental and ex said that he’d missed getting to spend the day ‘as a family’. We’d seen relatives, spoken to the church, took DD to the park, done a supermarket shop and then made dinner etc - nothing special but it did feel nice. I responded that it had been nice. He asked me if I thought we’d have made it work had we been a bit older, and instead of doing the sensible thing and nipping it in the bud, I said yes.

When I was ready to go to bed, I said goodnight - went to kiss on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips. We ended up having sex, twice.

This morning, we’ve not really spoken about it because of course things are busy and DD is around but he did whisper in my ear as we were making breakfast that he had no regrets. We are entirely platonic and normal around DD, we’d never want to confuse her.

I feel really awful. I feel very guilty because of his girlfriend and her son. I also feel guilty because actually, it was wonderful. So familiar and right in a way that it’s never been with anybody since. He said he always has and always will love me.

I’m aware that I’m very emotional with the funeral so not using my best judgement but I just don’t know how to approach the next few days - we’re here until weekend and I’m not sure what to do.

Do I ask him to leave? Even though he wants to be at the funeral and DD would be gutted? What should we do if we want to give it another go?

Well, I suppose 'Drama' is in your name afterall...

I don’t think you need to make any big decisions now aside from not doing it again. Get through the week, get time alone, clear your head and assess. Whether he tells his gf is up to him really- you need to think about what you want in complete isolation and further away from this grief (ideally months away but obv that’s not realistic)

You are both totally disgusting, his poor partner and baby. You should be ashamed and so should he, both as bad.

I am ashamed. Truly.

@Rubyupbeat shame is rarely a helpful emotion. OP needs to think calmly and clearly to limit further harm to others. Shame will breed further deceit and fear, not the courage and honesty third parties here deserve.

also- she’s just lost her mum/dad. You’re not gonna make her feel shitter…

This is what I plan to do. Get through this week without making any more horrible decisions, get home and clear my head.

Obviously, ex will have to do whatever he thinks best in terms of his gf. I understand she may find out and that she will be incredibly hurt.

DD is out for tea with my cousin and their little one. I’m hiding with a ‘migraine’ and ex has gone to pick up some food.

@whitesunglasses its not an excuse but people are rarely their best selves that they want to be when they’re grieving or super stressed. Think about who you want to be and what you want from life and don’t just ‘react’ to what may have been a bad choice fuelled by odd brain chemicals. That’ll inform how you handle the next sticky bit which will be shit regardless but better if you’re in a mature, honest and grounded place.

Thank you for this. I will do this.

I missed the bit where you are away with him for a week?! Jesus if he was that close to your family member he should have come with his family to pay his respects. Fucking off for a week to 'support" his child ie play happy families with the ex. Why couldn't he have your child while you sort arrangements and then meet you on the day? Honestly its no wonder his partner was worried, for good reason!

You have enough family support to be able to ship your daughter off and be alone with him again this evening. You have both been so disrespectful of his partner and child and it looks like your going to continue.

This sounds like the unlikely opening episode of a cheap ITV drama to me.

The thing I'm reeling at is that you appear to have taken your 8-year-old daughter out of school for a week in a holiday cottage while you attend a funeral. Not only that but you drove up yesterday, you've had yesterday and today together en famille when she could have been in school and it would appear that the funeral hasn't even happened yet. Do you work, OP? How many days compassionate leave do you have for this close relative? You're single with a child who'll need care during the holidays. How can you afford to take a week's leave now?

I think sending him home early to his girlfriend to confess everything is a really horrible thing to do. It would be better if she never knew what's happened, although the fact that she was so suspicious of the set-up clearly indicates that she already knew what the pair of you were like. You might as well have the week enjoying playing at happy families and having sex. At the end of the week go to your respective homes and say nothing. Fat chance of that, though: you're clearly already planning a future with him. Poor girlfriend, poor baby.

Hang on, I’ve not ‘shipped my daughter’ off anywhere! My cousin asked DD if she wanted to go, I’ve got planning for the funeral to be doing although admittedly I’m moping in the bedroom a bit at what a mess of things I’ve made already!

The funeral is a bit of a distance from home hence him coming. I didn’t ask him to, he offered and - maybe wrongly - I accepted. Knowing that it would be good for DD and that the support would be appreciated on a very emotional week. We do a lot together, we always have, even before he met his gf.

As I said, it all sounds utterly bonkers and insincere now because we slept together, but it was planned in good faith. We’ve been coparenting platonically for ages. I wouldn’t have accepted his offer if I thought this is how it would go.

Bloody hell. How am I supposed to answer this without completely outing myself? Between compassionate leave and annual leave, I've made it work.

DD’s school were fine with it. The funeral is in a different part of the UK. I didn’t choose that, it was always planned as that’s what relative wanted. I’m the one organising most of the service and wake. I’m also the only one responsible for the relative’s belongings and house. It’s also expected that we will see various family members and half the bloody town around the actual funeral.

None of this is really ringing true, I'm afraid. I've organise three funerals and it's all done in advance. The crem, the church, the funeral directors, the flowers, the wake venue, the order of service, the food — all done in advance. I've never had to organise anything in the day or two beforehand.

You have also made a lot of assumptions! I do feel sorry for his girlfriend and I feel very stupid because prior to this week I was actually proud that ex and I had managed to remain so close and so friendly. And for years, that is all it has been. I feel very foolish that I might have been blind to his feelings/my own feelings.

In terms of ex’s relationship, I don’t know the finer details but reading between the lines I’ve managed to pick up that she’s not thrilled about our relationship. We’ve always been close, long before they got together and I’d say its ex’s responsibility to either change our dynamic or make it right with her.

Again, utterly redundant now but this has never happened before so it didn’t seem inappropriate or unusual to begin with.

Obviously, it was a recipe for disaster and the years of civility and platonic support have been entirely undermined. My point is, there were no nefarious intentions on my part. It felt like of course he wanted to come.

I Just read the update that the bereavement was one of your parents. So sorry op, must be hard time for you annd your child. Although it is not an excuse at all I can imagine that may have had some input into the situation.

you said -“ A couple of days ago, we were friends with a child who’d known each other all our lives and had no romantic interaction for years.”
Have you truly had no romantic interaction for years or do you just mean no physical interaction. Is it possible this has been building for a while more through an emotional link than a physical one. It does sound like you were unusually close for exes. Could it be that one or both were enjoying maintaining the connection to each-other in more than just a co parent way?

Right, well, good for you. This is my first one so maybe I’m doing it wrong!

Sorry OP that may have come accross as harsh but I've just buried a parent myself along with doing all the organising for the funeral, and the thought of having time and energy to also entertain this kind of drama is completely flummoxing me.

Make sure you have a really good think before rushing into any romantic notions of 'giving it another go' with this man. Silly to set yourself up to be alone with him this evening. You really could just send him home until the funeral, ask yourself honestly why he needs to be there for a week!

I hadn't realised it was a parent you'd lost, OP. There was mention of a cousin and I was assuming an aunt. Losing a parent is major: my condolences. I've been there twice and I don't underestimate how much it knocks you sideways.

But... setting yourself up to spend what sounds like a whole emotional week with an ex who still loves you (and you him, if it's not the grief talking) seems, well, intentional. Surely the best thing he could have done was to have your child for a day or two, while you did whatever you have to do up there on your own, and then brought your daughter for the day of the funeral? The way it's actually been planned seems designed to create maximum opportunity for what's happened. But it's happened and there's no going back.

I’m sorry that it’s flummoxing you. I can assure you I am thoroughly short of time and energy, which is why it was so tempting and comforting I suppose.

I’m very aware that sleeping with my ex is The Wrong Way To Grieve and I’ll add it to my list of things to feel awful about.

Maybe I didn’t need to come for a week. Maybe I should have told ex not to come. Maybe I should have finished the orders of service by now.

As I said, first timer here.

You'll perhaps be disappointed if you're hoping for an offer of giving it another go. It sounds like he's looking for nothing more than a fly shag.
Hopefully his partner finds out, and kicks him to the kerb. Would serve him right.

Thank you. I really appreciate your message.

I honestly don’t know. I created this thread in the hope of gaining some clarity but I’m just noticing more things I’ve gotten wrong. My judgement is clearly not what it should be at the moment.

We have always been closer than most exes are I suppose but we’ve literally always been in each other’s lives. There has definitely been love and closeness there throughout, but I would have sworn it had never crossed the line while either one of us has been in a relationship.

Privately, I realised that we had it very good and hadn’t personally met anyone who came close to him. I have never communicated this to him though and always just felt very fond of him as DD’s dad and my lifelong friend.

@Weallgottachangesometime said this:
you said -“ A couple of days ago, we were friends with a child who’d known each other all our lives and had no romantic interaction for years.”
Have you truly had no romantic interaction for years or do you just mean no physical interaction. Is it possible this has been building for a while more through an emotional link than a physical one. It does sound like you were unusually close for exes. Could it be that one or both were enjoying maintaining the connection to each-other in more than just a co parent way?

I think this is what I and a few others are trying to say — I've said it very badly. But things like this don't just happen if you're not open to them. You were clearly so close that his GF had misgivings. Perhaps it's subconscious on your part. It would seem to have been clear to him: he made the first move and told you he still loved you. There must have been other options about how to organise these few very difficult days but you both seem to have decided that spending a whole week together in private accommodation at a very emotional time of your life was a good thing.

But as I said, it's done and there's no going back. So once the funeral is over you and he need to talk like adults and decide what to do. The usual advice after a major bereavement is to take no life-changing decisions for a year, because grief can really bugger up your decision-making skills.

Yes, I feel very foolish.

Thank you for the advice about making no decisions for a year, that’s interesting - I’ll bear that in mind. My judgement has been completely shattered.

And now I know it's a parent you've lost, I think the onus of responsibility falls mainly on him. If you really care for someone, you don't look to get your sexual satisfaction when you can see they're grieving and not in a position to make good decisions. There's something exploitative about it. But it still happened and it doesn't reflect at all well on him.

I wont judge you. I don’t walk in your shoes but I would like to offer my condolences on the loss of your parent. Please do be hard on yourself xx