I slept with married exH last night.

[whitesunglasses]

I know that I’m going to get the flaming of a lifetime for this but I’m not sure what to do.

ExH and I have known each other our whole lives. We got married very young, had a daughter, made mistakes and broke up.

Six years later, our DD is 8 - me and exH have matured, we’re still close and we co-parent really well. I’m currently single, ex has a girlfriend and an 18mo son.

Recently lost a v close relative. The funeral in relatives hometown is quite a distance and very rural. It was just going to be me and DD, but ex offered to come with us so that he could support DD (this is her first bereavement), support me (only child) and because we’ve known each other our whole lives, he also wanted to go to the funeral as he was close to the family member.

He drove us here and we’re staying in a cottage with DD. I know that his gf wasn’t thrilled about him coming with us and she’s been ringing him constantly. We’re very close for exes I suppose, and this has been difficult for her. Part of the reason I feel so crap is because this is, I imagine, exactly what she was worried would happen.

Last night, we’d had dinner and put DD to bed. We were chilling out after a busy day and just chatting, listening to music etc. There was no alcohol involved.

Eventually, the conversation got a bit sentimental and ex said that he’d missed getting to spend the day ‘as a family’. We’d seen relatives, spoken to the church, took DD to the park, done a supermarket shop and then made dinner etc - nothing special but it did feel nice. I responded that it had been nice. He asked me if I thought we’d have made it work had we been a bit older, and instead of doing the sensible thing and nipping it in the bud, I said yes.

When I was ready to go to bed, I said goodnight - went to kiss on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips. We ended up having sex, twice.

This morning, we’ve not really spoken about it because of course things are busy and DD is around but he did whisper in my ear as we were making breakfast that he had no regrets. We are entirely platonic and normal around DD, we’d never want to confuse her.

I feel really awful. I feel very guilty because of his girlfriend and her son. I also feel guilty because actually, it was wonderful. So familiar and right in a way that it’s never been with anybody since. He said he always has and always will love me.

I’m aware that I’m very emotional with the funeral so not using my best judgement but I just don’t know how to approach the next few days - we’re here until weekend and I’m not sure what to do.

Do I ask him to leave? Even though he wants to be at the funeral and DD would be gutted? What should we do if we want to give it another go?

Maybe it was the old "right person wrong time" and now is the right time? If you're both on the same page I'd make another go of it.

I did try and change some of the details to avoid being outed but maybe haven’t done a brilliant job of that.

Genuinely, I completely agree that we’ve behaved horribly. I do feel really sorry for his gf, I don’t have any excuses.

Because she'll say no if he tries it on again? And have a bit of self control?

Emotions running high isn’t an excuse. What you’ve done is awful. But it’s done, so all you can do is try and move forward with some morality.

• He needs to leave immediately.
• He needs to tell his gf immediately.
• You need to decide what you both want.
• If he doesn’t want you, you need to accept that.
• If you want each other you need to allow the gf some emotional venting without firing back - what you’ve done to her is soul-destroying so let her be angry.
• If you don’t want each other you need to get therapy for boundaries to prevent this happening again as blurred lines will destroy any relationships you may have in the future.

You made a terrible mistake. You can move on but CLARITY is key.

Right. Well if the dead relative is a lie just ignore what I said.

No, the dead relative, funeral and situation are all sadly very true. I made a weak attempt at changing genders and numbers. I’m just making this worse!

I will absolutely say no and will talk to him after DD is in bed tonight.

Bit Freudian that you said "GF and her son" , as if its not his son.

What do you want now?

Thank you. This is really good, clear advice.

Oh god, that wasn’t intentional 😕 of course, he’s their son.

I’m not sure what I want. I don’t think I should trust anything I’m feeling now, I’m in a very emotional place and clearly my judgement isn’t what it should be.

Normally I detest cheats but in this scenario I'd agree with a PP who suggested it was driven by your ex taking advantage of your vulnerability. I do have some sympathy for you here - unfortunately it's very likely a man saying what he thinks you want to hear just to get his willy wet. Happens a thousand times a second all the world over. Manipulative shit.

Was it unprotected or did one of you pack condoms with you?

This isn't a "just happened" thing. I don't think cheating "just happens" but I know some people who cheat say things like that and I'd never trust him because what happens further down the line when he misses his young son and starts missing those days too? If her did ditch his partner and maintained a similar co parenting relationship with her would you actually trust him not to fuck her when sharing emotional coparenting moments or he feels like he's missed out? I know I wouldn't.

I'd be asking him to leave, he's told you he misses time as a family with you, asked if you thought you'd work if older, you fucked twice and he's told he doesn't regret it, he's gonna be expecting to be shagging again over the weekend too.

If you do want ti be with him, I'd be very tempted to tell him you need some space to think when you aren't bereaved and have a clear head, if he doesn't end things with his girlfriend then it would show he's deceptive and would happily string one mother if his children along if the other doesn't want him. So I'd suggest if you seriously are thinking about giving things a go, he see if he ends it with her first regardless of wether he thinks he's moving straight to you or not.

This man is an utter arsehole.

Whilst you both are responsible for your behaviour, he didn't hesitate to take advantage of your emotional, grieving state for his own ends.

Of course he doesn't regret it.

Spending the day 'as a family' as if his other fucking family don't exist.

Feel so sorry for your ex’s girlfriend, it’s awful being cheated on, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I think he's a shit.

He got to you at a vulnerable time. You are grieving and having him there, doing all the things you used to do as a family, get safe. I'm not surprised you went with it. But he should have known you were vulnerable and not put either of you in this situation.

And he's the one in a committed relationship and with another baby. This is far more on him than you imo. He owed his girlfriend better behaviour than this.

I'd send him on his way - tell him he ought to tell his gf the truth and leave her if he's not fully committed. If he wants to try again with you, that needs to be done openly and honestly - no trying things out with you on the quiet. Lying and sneaking around with you behind her back is dishonourable and you aren't going to do it.

Your ex has an 18 month old with his gf so is currently going through a difficult stage of parenting where relationships often suffer as well.

Call me a skeptic but here he is thinking how nice it is to spend the day with you both and get a shag with no night wakings. I guess giving it another go seems like a great idea when all the hard work is already done.

I think he took advantage and enjoyable as it felt at the time, it was an unkind thing to do to you. I don't think you should entertain getting back together with him. He's obviously untrustworthy. Who's to say he wouldn't do the same thing the other way around?

Did he bring condoms?

If you guys did get back together, wouldn't you be paranoid every time he went to see his ex/spend time with his baby, thinking that he'll do the dirty on you the same he did on her?

Excellent question!

Thank you for the helpful advice. It’s all genuinely helpful.

It would be easy for me to say yes, he took advantage of me and that I’m vulnerable but I think I’d be letting myself off a bit too easily. I should have been better than that.

I do feel awful for his girlfriend. I never thought I’d do something like this, she deserves better.

I’ve known him my whole life and even through our teen years and DD being little, he was never horrible or manipulative. He was immature, as was I, but I’ve never known him treat somebody so badly. I’m shocked at both of us, to be honest.

I think it's disgusting that he spent that much time with you even before sleeping with him. He absolutely should NOT be staying with you and shouldn't even have driven you there

Is this the funeral of one of your parents? If so he’s taken advantage of you in a vulnerable moment. You have done nothing wrong, this is all him, he’s with someone else and really is a pos.

I’m on the pill.

I'm sorry OP but I think he has very cynically taken advantage of you at a moment of emotional vulnerability, when he's far from his GF and child and thinks he can get away with a shag "for comfort" knowing if she ever finds out he can claim you were distraught with grief and he didn't know how to turn you down.

ex said that he’d missed getting to spend the day ‘as a family’

Manipulative shite. He gets to spend every fucking day as a family with his current partner and his child, whereas you're parenting single every day.

I'd be sending him home now, fucking bawbag.