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Original poster

I slept with married exH last night.

164 replies

whitesunglasses · 21/03/2023 16:32

I know that I’m going to get the flaming of a lifetime for this but I’m not sure what to do.

ExH and I have known each other our whole lives. We got married very young, had a daughter, made mistakes and broke up.

Six years later, our DD is 8 - me and exH have matured, we’re still close and we co-parent really well. I’m currently single, ex has a girlfriend and an 18mo son.

Recently lost a v close relative. The funeral in relatives hometown is quite a distance and very rural. It was just going to be me and DD, but ex offered to come with us so that he could support DD (this is her first bereavement), support me (only child) and because we’ve known each other our whole lives, he also wanted to go to the funeral as he was close to the family member.

He drove us here and we’re staying in a cottage with DD. I know that his gf wasn’t thrilled about him coming with us and she’s been ringing him constantly. We’re very close for exes I suppose, and this has been difficult for her. Part of the reason I feel so crap is because this is, I imagine, exactly what she was worried would happen.

Last night, we’d had dinner and put DD to bed. We were chilling out after a busy day and just chatting, listening to music etc. There was no alcohol involved.

Eventually, the conversation got a bit sentimental and ex said that he’d missed getting to spend the day ‘as a family’. We’d seen relatives, spoken to the church, took DD to the park, done a supermarket shop and then made dinner etc - nothing special but it did feel nice. I responded that it had been nice. He asked me if I thought we’d have made it work had we been a bit older, and instead of doing the sensible thing and nipping it in the bud, I said yes.

When I was ready to go to bed, I said goodnight - went to kiss on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips. We ended up having sex, twice.

This morning, we’ve not really spoken about it because of course things are busy and DD is around but he did whisper in my ear as we were making breakfast that he had no regrets. We are entirely platonic and normal around DD, we’d never want to confuse her.

I feel really awful. I feel very guilty because of his girlfriend and her son. I also feel guilty because actually, it was wonderful. So familiar and right in a way that it’s never been with anybody since. He said he always has and always will love me.

I’m aware that I’m very emotional with the funeral so not using my best judgement but I just don’t know how to approach the next few days - we’re here until weekend and I’m not sure what to do.

Do I ask him to leave? Even though he wants to be at the funeral and DD would be gutted? What should we do if we want to give it another go?

OP posts:
My3cents1 · 21/03/2023 19:24

*don't

Original poster
whitesunglasses · 21/03/2023 19:28

My3cents1 · 21/03/2023 19:24

I wont judge you. I don’t walk in your shoes but I would like to offer my condolences on the loss of your parent. Please do be hard on yourself xx

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. 💜

OP posts:
Objectionhearsayspeculation · 21/03/2023 19:28

In a very untypical MN fashion I just want to send you my condolences and my sympathy for your current situation. No it is not ideal and the fact you feel awful shows you had no ill intentions, it is understandable you are not only grieving but you are back in a place where you are with family and friends who knew you as a couple, presumably (maybe not) in a place where the relationship began, sharing grief for someone close to both as well as DD. Beating yourself up won't help or change things, meanwhile do what you have to do to get through the rest of the week and not impact Dd and the rest waits until you get home and work out what if any feelings are there. It's up to ex to decide what happens with gf and deal with that side on his own.

Sugarfish · 21/03/2023 19:30

He sounds like an arsehole op, are you sure this wasn’t his plan all along?He’s obviously given his girlfriend a reason not to trust him, do you know if he’s cheated on her before? Seems like he was taking advantage of your grief.

Spottymushroom · 21/03/2023 19:31

Op you don’t need my judgement on your actions.

I do think you need to get the thread deleted. The thread is very outing and his poor girlfriend may see it especially if the papers pick it up.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/03/2023 19:45

I know its tough OP and I hope it all goes well, I also had to make arrangements from the other side of the country and actually took 2 weeks up there to sort it all out, so in answer to 'maybe I shouldn't have taken a week' the answer is you take as long as you need.

This is totally unrelated to him being there though and as you can now see it was foolish to let him stay and disrespectful to his gf even without the cheating. The decent thing for him to do would be to have had your DD while you made arrangements, not run off to leave his gf alone for a week with a toddler, at what I assume is short notice. His actions do not paint him as a decent man.

PP has offered excellent advice regarding making decisions after grief. I would suggest you put some proper boundaries in place after this while you are going through the grieving process. Don't rush into anything.

All the best OP and if you haven't already stopped by the bereavement boards there are some incredibly supportive people there.

SchoolTripDrama · 21/03/2023 19:55

@CaroleSinger Grow up. I've been the victim of rape before in the US and had it explained to me by Supreme Court judge how vast the definition of rape actually is.

Nice derailment though 👍🏻

SchoolTripDrama · 21/03/2023 20:02

Queenofscones · 21/03/2023 19:22

And now I know it's a parent you've lost, I think the onus of responsibility falls mainly on him. If you really care for someone, you don't look to get your sexual satisfaction when you can see they're grieving and not in a position to make good decisions. There's something exploitative about it. But it still happened and it doesn't reflect at all well on him.

This was part of my reason for saying what I said. It's like he could smell the vulnerability and went after it

Cherryana · 21/03/2023 20:13

I don’t think you should be heaping any shame on yourself.

When and a man and a woman, how have such history spend time together, and then add in such emotions …it’s not such leap that what happened happened.

It has caused you anguish clearly but if it’s any consolation I think it was understandable x

Daisybuttercup12345 · 21/03/2023 22:24

Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 16:45

Send him home to his gf to tell her the truth and keep your hands to yourself from now on ffs. Shame on you both.

Very prim and proper reply. You sound a tad Victorian lol 😆

Zuffe · 21/03/2023 22:49

Were the 'mistakes' you made when younger because both of you cheated? I presume it was nothing like putting self-raising flour in the biscuit mixture or forgetting to change the cat litter?

On a separate tangent, with the cost of living crisis and fuel costs being what they are, have the holiday cottage owners charged a heating supplement for the week or not?

newjobnewstartihope · 21/03/2023 22:59

Cherryana · 21/03/2023 20:13

I don’t think you should be heaping any shame on yourself.

When and a man and a woman, how have such history spend time together, and then add in such emotions …it’s not such leap that what happened happened.

It has caused you anguish clearly but if it’s any consolation I think it was understandable x

Oh please don't start with the 'these things just happen ' nonsense . They really don't.
I'd like to know why he's your ex if you think he's so amazing?

Fluffodils · 21/03/2023 23:01

I feel so sorry for your child. They could have had a decent relationship with their half sibling and now that's all blown out the water. Who knows when their contact time will coincide. If I were GF I wouldn't be making it easy for you or trying to stay in contact.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 21/03/2023 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

newjobnewstartihope · 21/03/2023 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Exactly can you imagine if the op was a man?

WitheringTights000 · 21/03/2023 23:47

Sorry but your title says you slept with your married exH. But your op says he has a gf....so which is it lol? Is he married or is it his gf?

704703hey · 22/03/2023 00:10

WitheringTights000 · 21/03/2023 23:47

Sorry but your title says you slept with your married exH. But your op says he has a gf....so which is it lol? Is he married or is it his gf?

Think OP just made a mistake with words. It's his gf not wife.

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 08:51

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow cheating should be illegal
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I've never agreed with a post more on here

Pseudonamed · 22/03/2023 09:16

Daisybuttercup12345 · 21/03/2023 22:24

Very prim and proper reply. You sound a tad Victorian lol 😆

Show quote history

When it comes to cheating I very much am, yes.

SpaghettifingerFusillitoe · 22/03/2023 12:39

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 08:51

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow cheating should be illegal
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I've never agreed with a post more on here

Ooh Kabul is gorgeous this time of year you guys should try it- cheating is illegal there too!

SpaghettifingerFusillitoe · 22/03/2023 12:45

Also- you know crime happens, right? Making things illegal doesn’t actually stop people from doing them…

Original poster
whitesunglasses · 22/03/2023 13:05

FFS, illegal? That’s a bit of a slippery slope isn’t it? The same archaic cultures that stone people for adultery also take a dim view of getting divorced in the first place (me and ex) and having babies out of wedlock (ex and his gf) so I think it’s better for everyone if the government stay out of people’s personal lives!

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 22/03/2023 13:10

Has he told her op?

Original poster
whitesunglasses · 22/03/2023 13:22

Pseudonamed · 22/03/2023 13:10

Has he told her op?

Not that I’m aware of.

We spoke last night and I said that I’d be fine with DD if he wanted to go home and get his head together. He chose to stay, he wants to support DD who is struggling with her first bereavement.

He asked me what I want him to do, I told him to do whatever he feels is right and that from my side of things - I’m happy to put it down to heightened emotions, mutual comfort and that I certainly don’t expect anything from him going forward.

He said a lot of things that implied he isn’t happy in his relationship and that he wants to be with me etc - I responded by saying that it’s an emotional time, I’m not going to advise him of what to do in his own relationship and I said that if it would be too difficult being here as friends, he should go but that’s the only option.

He decided to stay. I don’t know if he’s spoken to her, I don’t know what he’s planning to do and I don’t feel like I should be interfering anymore than I already have. I’m trying very hard not to pay too much attention to my feelings, my sense of love for him as I realise I’m reeling with everything that’s going on. I’m aware that my grief is shouting dramatic sentiments at me such as ‘life’s too short!’ and ‘love is everything!’ and I’m making a conscious effort to remember how unbalanced a view that is.

OP posts:
Queenofscones · 22/03/2023 13:38

When's the funeral, OP? I know what I'd need in your circumstances would be time alone. How about sending him and your daughter home as soon as it's over and having a day or two on your own. Although of course, if he's going to go back and confess to his GF it may not be a good atmosphere for your DD. What a mess.