I slept with married exH last night.

[whitesunglasses]

I know that I’m going to get the flaming of a lifetime for this but I’m not sure what to do.

ExH and I have known each other our whole lives. We got married very young, had a daughter, made mistakes and broke up.

Six years later, our DD is 8 - me and exH have matured, we’re still close and we co-parent really well. I’m currently single, ex has a girlfriend and an 18mo son.

Recently lost a v close relative. The funeral in relatives hometown is quite a distance and very rural. It was just going to be me and DD, but ex offered to come with us so that he could support DD (this is her first bereavement), support me (only child) and because we’ve known each other our whole lives, he also wanted to go to the funeral as he was close to the family member.

He drove us here and we’re staying in a cottage with DD. I know that his gf wasn’t thrilled about him coming with us and she’s been ringing him constantly. We’re very close for exes I suppose, and this has been difficult for her. Part of the reason I feel so crap is because this is, I imagine, exactly what she was worried would happen.

Last night, we’d had dinner and put DD to bed. We were chilling out after a busy day and just chatting, listening to music etc. There was no alcohol involved.

Eventually, the conversation got a bit sentimental and ex said that he’d missed getting to spend the day ‘as a family’. We’d seen relatives, spoken to the church, took DD to the park, done a supermarket shop and then made dinner etc - nothing special but it did feel nice. I responded that it had been nice. He asked me if I thought we’d have made it work had we been a bit older, and instead of doing the sensible thing and nipping it in the bud, I said yes.

When I was ready to go to bed, I said goodnight - went to kiss on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips. We ended up having sex, twice.

This morning, we’ve not really spoken about it because of course things are busy and DD is around but he did whisper in my ear as we were making breakfast that he had no regrets. We are entirely platonic and normal around DD, we’d never want to confuse her.

I feel really awful. I feel very guilty because of his girlfriend and her son. I also feel guilty because actually, it was wonderful. So familiar and right in a way that it’s never been with anybody since. He said he always has and always will love me.

I’m aware that I’m very emotional with the funeral so not using my best judgement but I just don’t know how to approach the next few days - we’re here until weekend and I’m not sure what to do.

Do I ask him to leave? Even though he wants to be at the funeral and DD would be gutted? What should we do if we want to give it another go?

I’m not waiting for him to do anything. I told him - before he said he was unhappy - I’d be okay just putting it down to heightened emotions and difficult situation. I don’t expect anything from him.

But from what you've wrote it doesn't sound like you've told him in no uncertain terms it was a mistake and you are over . Sounds like you would have him back if he 'chooses' you

People seem to be so mean on this thread.
I said it earlier but I don’t think you did anything unusual in the situation and I really hope that you can find both peace and comfort in the love that you share - even if it’s for a few more days.

The gf knows the score. He already did choose you.

Okay.

I did say to him that we shouldn’t have done it. He told me that he doesn’t regret it, that he’s unhappy and that he loves me.

I told him that nothing else can happen while he’s in a relationship. Not to try and make him choose, simply because all I can do now is not make it worse.

Honestly? I think I would have him back. I’m also aware though that I’m grieving and my emotions are all over the place. So I’m keeping quiet and trying to just get through this week. I couldn’t bear not having him in my life, he has always been in my life. I love him very much but I’m not going to push him into doing anything. Even should he become single, I’d be very cautious and not wanting to rush into anything because there are kids involved.

I know what a mess this is and I’m truly sorry.

God, thank you for this.

I know I deserve all of the criticism, I must come across an absolute mess, but I’m so, so grateful for your kindness. 💕

Yeah because you'd be absolutely delighted to be shat on by the father of your child going off for a week with his ex and shagging his ex wife sure you'd just be saying oh well these things happen good luck to you

Of course nobody would be delighted. Understanding how these things might happen is not the same as condoning it. She was being compassionate.

Don't worry, reading one or two supportive posts won’t make me forget how horrible I am - promise!

I don’t think that people act in such a black and white way, as many people have ascertained on this thread, as the one way.

Especially when there is a really long history, a child, a marriage plus heightens emotions involved.

As for the gf - really, at the moment he said he was going off for a week - that was when the boundaries needed to come in. That he went, told her everything she needed to know about her relationship. The ‘split in their family ’ came then not in what happened while he was away.

It is for him to sort out. His actions all along have told the story.

I also don’t think you are horrible and I really wish you could give yourself a break. It’s all too much.

Maybe come off this thread as strangers on the internet can think what they like. You have to live your life and rest and be there for your daughter.

Doesn't make you horrible per se but it makes you very selfish

See, the thing I worry about OP, is that you continuously seem to be painting yourselves as equal culprits here. In your account of your original break up, in the account of this event...

Maybe you are just trying to be fair, but is there a chance that a) you regret the break up even though it was valid, b) you associate him with happy times wuth your parent and c) you are supremely vulnerable right now (for different reasons, I have felt very vulnerable myself this past week, and I've cling to DH like a wet lettuce).

Imagine he wasn't looking to date you. Imagine you don't know what you think you know about him (I'm trying to be objective on your behalf here, because by your own admission, you wouldn't have predicted this behaviour from him). Imagine he wanted to date your friend, and you knew that 1) his first relationship broke up because he was immature and his wife felt like a mum to him and 2) his second relationship broke up because he cheated on baby mum 2 with the first wife?

I just feel like you're giving him way, WAY too much credit.

(on 2, we'll have to disagree - he doesn't have to be in the same house as his daughter overnight to support her)

OP I don’t think the thread is helpful for you anymore OP- this situation needs time and distance not rumination

I think you’re right. I thought it might help as I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. Thank you for the kindness. 💐

"he did whisper in my ear as we were making breakfast that he had no regrets".

That's an awful thing for him to say! He should have regrets. You've said the intimacy between you was completely unexpected and unplanned, so he should feel regretful on two fronts - firstly that he had sex with you when you are at a very low point emotionally having JUST suffered an acute bereavement, and secondly that he's been unfaithful to his partner (whom he's left at home with his young baby). To icky whisper that to you is utterly heartless - sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear.