I slept with married exH last night.

[whitesunglasses]

I know that I’m going to get the flaming of a lifetime for this but I’m not sure what to do.

ExH and I have known each other our whole lives. We got married very young, had a daughter, made mistakes and broke up.

Six years later, our DD is 8 - me and exH have matured, we’re still close and we co-parent really well. I’m currently single, ex has a girlfriend and an 18mo son.

Recently lost a v close relative. The funeral in relatives hometown is quite a distance and very rural. It was just going to be me and DD, but ex offered to come with us so that he could support DD (this is her first bereavement), support me (only child) and because we’ve known each other our whole lives, he also wanted to go to the funeral as he was close to the family member.

He drove us here and we’re staying in a cottage with DD. I know that his gf wasn’t thrilled about him coming with us and she’s been ringing him constantly. We’re very close for exes I suppose, and this has been difficult for her. Part of the reason I feel so crap is because this is, I imagine, exactly what she was worried would happen.

Last night, we’d had dinner and put DD to bed. We were chilling out after a busy day and just chatting, listening to music etc. There was no alcohol involved.

Eventually, the conversation got a bit sentimental and ex said that he’d missed getting to spend the day ‘as a family’. We’d seen relatives, spoken to the church, took DD to the park, done a supermarket shop and then made dinner etc - nothing special but it did feel nice. I responded that it had been nice. He asked me if I thought we’d have made it work had we been a bit older, and instead of doing the sensible thing and nipping it in the bud, I said yes.

When I was ready to go to bed, I said goodnight - went to kiss on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips. We ended up having sex, twice.

This morning, we’ve not really spoken about it because of course things are busy and DD is around but he did whisper in my ear as we were making breakfast that he had no regrets. We are entirely platonic and normal around DD, we’d never want to confuse her.

I feel really awful. I feel very guilty because of his girlfriend and her son. I also feel guilty because actually, it was wonderful. So familiar and right in a way that it’s never been with anybody since. He said he always has and always will love me.

I’m aware that I’m very emotional with the funeral so not using my best judgement but I just don’t know how to approach the next few days - we’re here until weekend and I’m not sure what to do.

Do I ask him to leave? Even though he wants to be at the funeral and DD would be gutted? What should we do if we want to give it another go?

Oh, and he really shouldn't be discussing his feelings for the woman he is currently involved with with you. That seems such an obviously manipulative manoeuvre. He's trying to draw you in and you need to say no, not going there.

Is he going to use the fact that you slept together as a way of blowing up a relationship he's bored with? Is that what he did with you? What a bastard he is.

No, it was me that ended it. Nobody else involved on either side, we were young and silly and I was tired of what I viewed as his immaturity. In reality, we were barely out of our teens, we’d moved straight from our respective parents homes and into adult life.

I found him immature and yet I was too immature to understand what a huge learning curve having a baby, marriage and home was. He did nothing bad, I just found living with him stressful and didn’t have much patience with him learning to cook, run a household etc.

As I mentioned in my op, he asked me if we’d been older would we have made it work. I said yes because I believe it. So many of the things that felt insurmountable at the time were things that time and experience would have fixed. He’s matured a lot.

He didn’t want to break up. I hurt him, to be honest. I think he was genuinely attempting to ‘move on’.

A mess indeed.

My condolences on your loss 💐I hope you're holding up as well as you can and wish you the best for the funeral planning. The time before a funeral is so stressful with all that needs to be organised.

In relation to sleeping with your ex... Don't be too hard on yourself. You're grieving and the familiar brings comfort.

To anyone about to jump on me for saying that - Does grieving make it right, no, but you're only human and mistakes happen.

I wouldn't rule out getting back together if it's what you both want. Yes it's messy and likely to get ugly with his gf because of how it's started again, but that's life. And you do only get one shot at it.

Sending hugs 💐

1. These "mistakes made when young" you keep alluding to - what were they? Coincidentally, did these include cheating on either part, or did they involve him becoming a shit parent at the same age as his GFs current child?

Basically, is he repeating the habit of putting his own needs first?

2. I think there was clearly an underlying risk based on the girlfriend's suspicion. I'm not suggesting you knew it consciously, but you were probably lying to yourself a little with the "I'm so proud of how we coparent and are friends" shtick.

Your ex's bad behaviour started with opting out of parenting for a WEEK to play happy families with you. That's really poor behaviour, and likely with the express intention of manipulating you.

I explained in my last post what happened. No cheating, no awful behaviour. Just young and overwhelmed.

I’m absolutely not defending what we’ve done. But he’s not ‘opted out of parenting’, he’s here parenting his daughter. Sometimes, he’s not with his daughter and he’s parenting his baby.

Thank you so much. The kindness in this post made me cry. 💐 I’ve massively fucked up, I know, so thank you for this.

Sorry, cross posted.

The immaturity you speak of in your other post - you put the blame on yourself for ening the relationship over his failure to step up. You stepped up, and it's your fault he didn't.

And yes, sure, he's parenting your daughter right now.

He's also thrown a fucking grenade into her existence by sleeping with you.

He. Is. A. Bad. Father.

Honestly, is there anything I could tell you that would convince you that he’s a good dad? I could tell you the steps he took to be better and the wonderful things he’s done for his children but it feels as though none of this will be good enough because nothing can redeem a cheater.

If - in your view - cheating is an irredeemable flaw that cancels out all of the good in a person, then I’ll accept that.

It breaks my heart a bit that I must be considered a bad mother too because of one night of weakness. I know it’s easier to imagine that only a terrible person would do this but we’re not terrible people and this is not representative of how either of us normally conduct ourselves.

This is not my finest moment and I’m surprised at both of us - it’s inexcusable. But I’m not sure he’s bad, I’m not sure I’m bad, probably just boring old shades of grey.

I'm sorry @thecatsthecats but what utter codswallop.

Having sex with his ex wife does not make him a bad father. It makes him a human being who had sex with his ex wife. Nothing more, nothing less.

Perhaps not a great partner to his girlfriend right now, but again, human beings make mistakes.

He who is without sin cast the first stone, and all that!

You were single and grieving OP, but would you really want to be with someone who cheated so easily on their girlfriend and baby? Especially someone who seemed to have this in mind all along and took advantage knowing you were emotional and vulnerable?

My God. Him staying there the full week is absolutely APPALLING behaviour. You really need to be telling to leave OP. At least give his partner THAT! ^^

I really don't see why it is appalling.

His daughter has lost a grandparent, OP and daughter have to travel for this funeral. OP will have things that need to be handled, meetings to attend (priest, order of service, funeral home, catering, Cars, venue for wake etc) which is easier with an extra pair of hands.

It is the daughter of OP and ex-H first experience of bereavement, having a parent there rather than extended family to help you when the other parent has other things to do to make arrangements, actually sounds like putting his daughter first and an excellent father imho.

His son with gf is only 18 months old and at home with his mum, so not unreasonable to me that he's supporting his daughter at this time.

Yes the sex complicates things as many now question original motives, but I know of other divorced couples who have supported each other like this when one loses a parent. Not everyone's separations or divorces are fraught instances, and friendship and active involvement in each others lives is in the best interest of their daughter.

You obviously know him and if you truly believe he's a decent person who is in an unhappy relationship and you want to make another go of things, then his gf needs to be told sooner rather than later.
He's done a bad thing here, but he can do right by his gf now by telling her the truth and not lingering in a relationship he doesn't want. That's if he wants a future with you.

I think you need to decide what you want, see if he wants the same thing and then be honest asap!

@MaryPoppinsHat you seem like you have a very low bar and make all kinds of excuses for men's poor behaviour. Just couldn't help landing boner first into his ex could he while his unsuspecting partner is home alone with their kid . Fml give yourself a shake

No need for name calling, I don't appreciate being called "vile".Pretty sure that's against the Mumsnet guidelines for posting.

Also not a low bar... I just don't have my pitch fork out the minute someone makes a mistake.

As I said, those without sin cast the first stone.

She’s not excusing anybody - she’s been good enough to realise that although we did an awful thing, we are human. That doesn’t make me think ‘oh, well, that’s me off the hook!’, it was just a kind and compassionate thing to say.

Nowhere on this thread have I tried to excuse myself or excuse ex. I completely understand that it was a horrible thing to do and I’m really surprised at both of us.

The depressing truth though is that - as it turns out -these things do happen. It’s a surprise to me too and I’m reassessing what I thought I knew about myself and him. I am not happy, I’m not proud - and I’d love to find a way to make this as painless as possible for his gf. It’s not my place to decide what happens next in their relationship though.

For what it’s worth, and it’ll sound as though I’m saying I’m special and irresistible which I am not, I don’t believe this would have happened in any other situation. He’s not the type of man to have a one night stand with a random person and I’m not the type to sleep with a man who’s spoken for. It was the perfect storm of home, memories, emotion and familiarity. I can’t believe we were naive enough to think it wouldn’t get complicated.

I was responding to the whole situation. You know, the one where:

1. They divorced because he didn't step up as a parent. That's not "one mistake", it was sustained immaturity that led to his first child's home breaking up. The OP didn't get a choice but to step up.
2. He chose to spend a week with the OP knowing that his girlfriend was anxious about the situation. He didn't mitigate those concerns by, for example, staying separately to the OP. And lo and behold, the GFs suspicions were hardly unfounded, were they?
3. He had sex with the OP. She has given him the opportunity to leave but surprise surprise, he's stayed. He's overshared about his relationship using textbook cheater BS. Bit of a coincidence that this also coincides with EXH also parenting a young child.

That is not one mistake, and that's just on this thread. That's a sustained track record of putting his own wants first. You don't have to share my opinion, but you also don't get to change it without at least addressing the picture as we know it.

OP - you made ONE mistake. And it wasn't divorcing him in the first place.

Thank you. Yeah - if I don’t know him, I don’t know anybody.

We’ve been children together, teens, young parents. Married, divorced and friends. I’ve seen every version of him and although he has flaws - as we all do - he is a good person. This is out of character for him.

It feels like, of course we love each other. For a time, I wasn’t sure that was enough. He was adamant that it was. By the time I realised how good we’d had it and that most of our issues were down to immaturity, he’d finally managed to move on.

He has said - with shame, not easily - that he’s not happy. He’s not said a bad word about his gf, he knows how unfair this is on her and that we are the problem, not her.

I have told him that this week, this situation is too intense for us to be making any plans or decisions. He needs to decide for himself what to do about his relationship. I’ve told him that he figures that out before anything else happens with us. He can’t stay with her until he’s sure he can be with me. She deserves better.

I do feel terrible. I like his girlfriend, she’s very nice - although clearly that means f all given what I’ve done. She deserves much more than this from both of us and I know that we’ve let her down.

Can I respond?

• We divorced because we were both immature. He was reliable, he took care of us and was trying but he was also incredibly frustrating and I felt like his mum. He was slow to fix things and I was too quick to give up. Fault on both sides and we’ve both matured.
• With respect to his gf, his priority was his grieving daughter. Obviously, we’ve fucked up and any good intentions are now irrelevant but I don’t believe spending a week with his daughter and being involved in the funeral of somebody he’s known his whole life was in itself an inherently bad concept.
• I’m completely with you on number 3. We messed up, we’ve treated his girlfriend horribly and I feel very stupid not to have seen this coming. I don’t think talking about his relationship is here or there at this point, the damage is done and he’s not blaming her at all - just trying to figure out what happens next. We both know that she’s the victim in this and we’ve been spectacularly naive.

That is complete and utter nonsense! They had consensual sex, not once but twice!!!!

You like her so much you are willing to hang around until he chooses you? Jeez how generous you are

What happens next is you block any contact other than for purposes of handing your child over when it's his turn for contact surely

If he was 'unhappy' he has had chance to try and sort that out. You are waiting for him to leave his partner and come to you yet you paint him as 'reliable'

What he will do to her he will do to you at some point when the novelty wears off and if he wasn't mature enough then and is showing he will sleep with someone else whilst in a committed relationship you can guarantee he's STILL not mature enough

As I said, my liking her is absolutely irrelevant now and it obviously wasn’t enough to stop me. I’m ashamed of myself for that.

In terms of hanging around, what should I be doing? I’m genuinely asking.

I have told him that this week, this situation is too intense for us to be making any plans or decisions. He needs to decide for himself what to do about his relationship. I’ve told him that he figures that out before anything else happens with us. He can’t stay with her until he’s sure he can be with me. She deserves better.

Sounds like you are saying you're waiting for him to make his 'choice'
Her or you. Either way this sounds like you have zero dignity and let this Prince amongst men call all the shots with you