I slept with married exH last night.

[whitesunglasses]

I know that I’m going to get the flaming of a lifetime for this but I’m not sure what to do.

ExH and I have known each other our whole lives. We got married very young, had a daughter, made mistakes and broke up.

Six years later, our DD is 8 - me and exH have matured, we’re still close and we co-parent really well. I’m currently single, ex has a girlfriend and an 18mo son.

Recently lost a v close relative. The funeral in relatives hometown is quite a distance and very rural. It was just going to be me and DD, but ex offered to come with us so that he could support DD (this is her first bereavement), support me (only child) and because we’ve known each other our whole lives, he also wanted to go to the funeral as he was close to the family member.

He drove us here and we’re staying in a cottage with DD. I know that his gf wasn’t thrilled about him coming with us and she’s been ringing him constantly. We’re very close for exes I suppose, and this has been difficult for her. Part of the reason I feel so crap is because this is, I imagine, exactly what she was worried would happen.

Last night, we’d had dinner and put DD to bed. We were chilling out after a busy day and just chatting, listening to music etc. There was no alcohol involved.

Eventually, the conversation got a bit sentimental and ex said that he’d missed getting to spend the day ‘as a family’. We’d seen relatives, spoken to the church, took DD to the park, done a supermarket shop and then made dinner etc - nothing special but it did feel nice. I responded that it had been nice. He asked me if I thought we’d have made it work had we been a bit older, and instead of doing the sensible thing and nipping it in the bud, I said yes.

When I was ready to go to bed, I said goodnight - went to kiss on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips. We ended up having sex, twice.

This morning, we’ve not really spoken about it because of course things are busy and DD is around but he did whisper in my ear as we were making breakfast that he had no regrets. We are entirely platonic and normal around DD, we’d never want to confuse her.

I feel really awful. I feel very guilty because of his girlfriend and her son. I also feel guilty because actually, it was wonderful. So familiar and right in a way that it’s never been with anybody since. He said he always has and always will love me.

I’m aware that I’m very emotional with the funeral so not using my best judgement but I just don’t know how to approach the next few days - we’re here until weekend and I’m not sure what to do.

Do I ask him to leave? Even though he wants to be at the funeral and DD would be gutted? What should we do if we want to give it another go?

If it's an immediate family member such as a parent then you're obviously grieving and so technically he's raped you.

It is.

That's not really how the law works.

Wow. No, he didn’t rape me. I fully consented.

Yes the rape things is dramatic.

He did however take advantage of you when you are at a very low point. Decent men do not do this.

You’d be wise to get an STI test. He’s been having unprotected sex with at least one (an)other woman.

Please stop throwing such a serious word like “rape” around in this situation.

@premicrois Not in the UK most likely but it certainly would stand in a US court. Which however invalid that may sound, I think it speaks volumes to the morality of what he has actually done here and THAT is what I'm talking about.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. But why on god's green earth did your ex need to stay with you for an entire week when he has a girlfriend and 18 month old child, because your parent has (tragically) died, why is that necessary?

I don’t think it was wrong for him to have come with us, specifically. He knew this
person his whole life too and wanted to support us.

Although, clearly this is what his girlfriend was worried about. I feel stupid for thinking we could be trusted.

@Whadda He took advantage of an emotional, grieving woman who was extremely vulnerable. It's honestly not far off at all.

@whitesunglasses Sorry I completely disagree. Why him? Why couldn't he have brought his girlfriend and child OR just travelled to the funeral itself. You're telling me that he needed to spend the entire week there, visit relatives and play happy families? Nope. Even without the sex I'd be ending it with him before he'd left if I was the girlfriend. He'd be gone!

I can see how wrong this seems now, as we’ve slept together. The dynamic has completely changed.

A couple of days ago, we were friends with a child who’d known each other all our lives and had no romantic interaction for years. We are very close in a family/friends kind of way and I would have defended our right to spend time together as coparents.

It all sounds like absolute nonsense now though because it turns out, we can’t be trusted. We are not the most civilised exes in the world, we are entirely predictable. What a wake up call.

@SchoolTripDrama

Not in the UK most likely but it certainly would stand in a US court. Which however invalid that may sound, I think it speaks volumes to the morality of what he has actually done here and THAT is what I'm talking about.

People who are grieving are allowed to have sex. It's not rape and theorist those allegations around is ridiculous.

I do think he has taken advantage of OP and I said that early on, but the 'obviously grieving so technically rape' is bullshit.

Yes, you’re right. 😕 What a fucking mess.

That poor woman. What she must be going through this week. The hurt she must be feeling (even before she finds out). Just so that he could give you a lift

You’re making up a lot of stuff.

OP has said she was a willing participant. Grief doesn’t always equal vulnerability.

I had sex with my husband shortly after his mother died. Was that rape?

@premicrois obviously grieving so technically rape' is bullshit.

I'm afraid it's not. You'd be amazed what can actually be classed as rape if you do your research.

@Whadda No, you're making stuff up. That's what I said.
He asked leading questions, then came onto her within days/a week of the funeral, knowing she'd give in to it but also knowing the issues it would cause.
As I said above, it helps to have legal knowledge of what is considered a vulnerability

Having sex when 'obviously grieving' is not rape.

I don't know where you do your research but you should probably look for more credible sources and stop throwing dangerous accusations about, particularly as this thread has potential to be outing.

Ah, I'm so sorry. Obviously it wasn't your best decision but don't be too hard on yourself. You've been through something awful and let your guard down with someone you thought you could trust. He hasn't got that "excuse".

Did you both split up when your daughter was 1? Is this a pattern for him that when things get a bit tougher (as they do with a baby/toddler) in terms of your life as a couple that he looks elsewhere or leaves? If so, that's not a very attractive quality, tbh.

What you have done is awful, but it is good that you are taking responsibility for it, rather than doubling down and hurting another woman further.

I said you’re making stuff up because you’re posting information that’s not reflective of what the OP said.

OP had said that she wasn’t coerced. She’s posted about two incidences of consensual sex.

The Government’s definition of “vulnerable” is:
in need of special care, support, or protection because of age, disability, risk of abuse or neglect.

Throwing an allegation of rape into this conversation is vile and belittles those impacted by such a serious crime.

Thank you for such being so kind. I’m not sure I deserve it, but I really appreciate it.

You realise she's going to find out. Eventually?

I don't agree he raped her, it sounds like there's been feelings lingering for a long time and they've both used a genuine reason to be alone together ti their full advantage and shagged. I hope he has the decency though to let his long term partner know he's had unprotected sex with another woman before he has (likely unprotected) sex with his long term partner so that she can at least make an informed choice if she wants to shag him.

The op might know she herself doesn't have std's and probably believe that she's the only person he's slept around with and the cheating boyfriend might place trust in the op not having anything sexually transmissible but his partner has zero reason to trust either of them and should he given the chance to have herself checked out and be given the right to make an informed choice about if she wants to stay with someone who can do that to her.

I also doubt the OPs dd is oblivious. Kids pick up on shifts in behaviour and there's no way her mummy and daddy are not preoccupied or behaving the exact same around each other.