Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

He’s left me and I just had his baby

255 replies

Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 19:30

In need of a major hand hold.

DP had an argument (something over nothing really) with my mum. He said some really unforgivable, disgusting things to her. Totally uncalled for and words I wouldn’t be able to repeat or type on here because it makes me cry every time I think about what he said to her.

I had DS2 nearly 2 weeks ago. I’m breastfeeding and trying to adjust to having a newborn and toddler.

He turned round to me after their argument and said I have to choose either my mum or him and that if I chose mum I would no longer be apart of his life.

Any way, we are having building work done at the flat so I’ve been staying at mums (where she has been helping me with DS1 following c-section). I said it wasn’t practical for me to up and leave and go to his mums house so stayed at my mums.

He then blocked my number, my mums number and has left me.

He also got his mum to text me asking me to drop my set of keys back to our flat and dumped a load of my things on my mums doorstep.

I understand he has a problem with my mum (again, something over nothing and he has massively overreacted). But to leave me on mothers day, block me and kick us out of the flat… I’ve never felt so vulnerable and hurt in my life.

Don’t have anyone to talk to so ranting on here. Apologies.

OP posts:
TicTac80 · 20/03/2023 07:20

I’m so sorry that he’s treated you like this, but he’s given you an amazing ticket out of that awful abusive relationship! I know you don’t feel it yet, but he has. I’m so glad you’re safe with your mum.

do yourself and your kids a big favour…Don’t ever go back. Not to someone who throws you out if his bloody food isn’t cooked right or the place isn’t clean enough. Who the hell does he think he is?! You can give him all the love in the world, be a Michelin rated chef, and have a place more spotless than the Fly Lady, but that won’t change his behaviour towards you. I promise you that. He will consistently change the goal posts and you will be constantly on high alert for the next time he throws you out. Don’t put yourself through that, he’s not worth it. He will grind you in to the ground.

Don’t make excuses for him either. He has no excuse whatsoever for this abusive behaviour. Example: My Dad was the breadwinner, and worked insane hours (here and overseas). He also oversaw massive home improvements/extensions etc. At the weekends, he’d get stuck in to house stuff if he wasn’t still working. My Mum was an SAHM (I’m the 3rd of four and she stopped work when I was born). Yes, he brought in the money but he never forgot that it was down to Mum being at home seeing to us kids/the house etc, that allowed him to work the hours he did and progress his career. He loved and treasured her, and he respected her. Oh and he ate whatever was put in front of him without fuss , got stuck in with parenting us when he was here and heaven help us kids if we played Mum up.

if you go back to him, your boys will look at him as a role model. They’ll think that the way he treats you is the way men treat women. Don’t let them see that disgusting behaviour. Your XP should also have been thankful and pleased that your lovely mum is helping. He shouldn’t be so disrespectful and rude towards her.

Please stay with your mum. Use this time to heal, recover, and then make plans for you and your kiddies. Get on to UC, and child support people. Things will work out xx

Boomboom22 · 20/03/2023 07:21

He is abusive and you should leave. Look up coercive control, it is a crime.

Blueblell · 20/03/2023 07:22

He is obviously being supported by him Mum in his abusive behaviour and that is a very bad sign for your future. Any right minded mother would not ask for the keys back like this and tell their son that they cannot just chuck their children out of the house on a whim which is what he seems to have done.

if I have understood this right - your mum has been helping you look after kids , got worn out and she has decided that he hasn’t been pulling his weight and has told him so.

As others have said, claim CMS and plan your future without him.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
SaturdayGiraffe · 20/03/2023 07:23

What is/was your dad like?

Sceptre86 · 20/03/2023 07:40

Can you stay with your mum for the foreseeable? I'd phone the job centre and citizens advice. sign up for any benefits you may be entitled to and get help with somewhere to live.

You've just had a baby and I don't want to come across as harsh or upset you further but at some point you need to take a long hard look at your life. You are making and have made poor choices. You are a parent of 2 kids now and will quite likely be doing this solo so need to get a grip. Once you have sorted out the financial stuff, try and seek counselling to work on your self worth.

Justmeandthedog1 · 20/03/2023 07:44

knitpicker · 19/03/2023 19:40

Sounds like he deliberately picked a fight over nothing in order to justify dumping you and his kids on your mum. Easier (for him) than having everyone move back to the flat and him being the one to move out when he breaks up with you. He has completely contrived this situation.

Exactly my thought.
Look after yourself and your children. Put in a claim for child support and leave him to stew.

daisychain01 · 20/03/2023 07:44

The flat is his on paper, he doesn’t own it but has a long lease on it. My name is not on the lease.

So you're helping him to renovate the leasehold flat that is his, in his name and you have no rights to that security because you're not a Co-owner
and he's kicked you out on numerous occasions, presumably having to take your child with you?

I despair, OP, how can you possibly love someone who'd do that to you.
You're being your own worst enemy here.

Aphrathestorm · 20/03/2023 07:45

Good riddance.

When someone shows you who they are listen.

This is actually a really good opportunity to escape.

You are already out.

Claim uc today and make a homeless application to the council.

In the future this will just be a bad memory.

daisychain01 · 20/03/2023 07:46

leave him to stew = dump his sorry arse permanently.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 20/03/2023 07:50

If he wouldnt have the eldest long enough to give your mum a break, when he gave you the him or her ultimatum, was he expecting the 3 of you to move back to the flat so you could have 100% care of the eldest?

I cant get over him issuing you with an ultimatum like that in the first place to be honest but to call you mum vile things would be very hard to come back from. His parents sound like right arses too

piedbeauty · 20/03/2023 08:02

He sounds fucking awful and you deserve much better. Get some counselling. Sounds like you have an unhealthy attachment to him.

LilLilLi · 20/03/2023 08:14

Apply for benefits today. The Entitledto website will give you a good idea of what you will get.

Apply for child maintenance today.

Create an account with your local council and apply for housing today.

Even if it’s the last thing you want to do, get the ball rolling and see how things fall into place. He is vile, and his abuse will affect your children for many years to come. Please, put all your energy into not going back and starting to explore life without him. I promise you, absolutely promise you, that you will look back in time and realise he has done you the biggest favour.

Naunet · 20/03/2023 08:33

lya281292gmailcom · 20/03/2023 03:12

Is this out of character or is he often an arse. Could be feeling not part of things as your living with your mum and you have just had another child to take attention away from him. Or there is a reason he is using the petty argument with your mum as an excuse to get out of the relationship. Either way its not great for you. Your little ones are the most important and he should be around supporting you. Better off out of it if he is usually a prat though. Being a parent is hard enough without the added tentions. Asking you to choose between him and your mum is not acceptable and is a form of control I think. Be careful and put you and your babies first. Good luck.

He’s kicked her out for not cooking what he wanted for dinner before, does it sound out of character? The man is an abusive little prick with delusions of grandeur.

Squamata · 20/03/2023 10:22

Earlier in the thread I said you should let things cool off and consider the future based on whether this was a one off.

Given the tone of your post and that you're both staying with/communicating through your mums, I thought you were both teenagers and young relationships can be a bit dramatic.

If you're not teens and he has a history of being abusive (throwing you out of the house, demanding dinners and cleaning etc) then this is 100% a bad relationship. You have a long road ahead to get out of the co-dependency but you can live without him. If you think you can't do it, consider whether you'd want your kids to grow up thinking this is normal and go out to find someone who treats them how he treats you.

SwordToFlamethrower · 20/03/2023 11:04

Don't put his name on the birth certificate! Don't give him parental rights or you may find he uses those rights against you in the future. Speaking from experience here

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 12:38

SwordToFlamethrower · 20/03/2023 11:04

Don't put his name on the birth certificate! Don't give him parental rights or you may find he uses those rights against you in the future. Speaking from experience here

Absolutely nothing to be gained from doing this in the OP’s scenario. He would get parental rights if he applied for a court order.

and when it went before the family courts to decide child access, it would not look good on OP if she appears to have sabotaged involvement of the father by these means.

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 12:39

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 06:03

I’ll take a punt OP that your father was not dissimilar to your partner in terms of how he treated your mother.

and so the cycle will continue with your children and then your grandchildren….

unless YOU make the change. But I suspect, you won’t

Is this the case re your father OP? Or have you left the thread and back with partner

Coyoacan · 20/03/2023 14:29

Absolutely nothing to be gained from doing this in the OP’s scenario. He would get parental rights if he applied for a court order.

and when it went before the family courts to decide child access, it would not look good on OP if she appears to have sabotaged involvement of the father by these means

That doesn't make sense. As they are not married, the father would have to accompany the OP to register the baby. At this moment he has blocked her and kicked her out of the family home. The OP has a message from his mother asking for the keys back. How on earth would she be expected to put the father's name on the birth certificate?

Original poster
Rachell1 · 20/03/2023 15:26

Thank you for the replies - overwhelmed by how many there have been!

Still haven’t heard anything, still blocked…

His mum called up and yet again said allow him a few days and then talk.

Like I said earlier, it’s extremely hurtful that he can put me through this 2 weeks after giving birth. He hasn’t even asked about the boys and it will be interesting to see how long it takes him to do that.

To answer some of your questions…

  • My dad is lovely, he has treated my mum like a queen and allowed her to be a SAHM (not sure what my dad has to do with it though?)
  • My mum cannot have me stay here long term. She is more than happy to accommodate the three of us short term until we are on our feet but she is now an oap and my 2yo knackers her by the end of the day! It wouldn’t be fair to put myself and 2 young kids on her for the long haul.

DP also owns a house which he rents out but I am under the understanding that I am not entitled to anything of his as we are not married and the whole ‘common law’ thing apparently is a load of bull and offers no legal rights to any of his assets.

Truthfully, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what will happen. I am going to the council to get the ball rolling because yes, I need to put my boys first and right now we are technically homeless and I need to make sure that I secure a roof over our heads. I don’t think there is any going back but it is going to take time for me to admit this fully and accept that I am now on my own.

OP posts:
lya281292gmailcom · 20/03/2023 15:57

Stay positive. He doesn't deserve you and the boys. Children can bring so much joy even though its tiring. Don't let this ruin this precious time. Kids grow up really fast. Maybe go along to some baby clubs and then you can meet some other mums. Girl power. You will be fine :)

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 16:00

not sure what my dad has to do with it though?)

some of us are trying to understand how you have such appalling self respect for yourself and your children.

So you know what a good man and a good father looks like?

lya281292gmailcom · 20/03/2023 16:00

... You'll be happier aswell knowing that your running the show. Your confidence will grow as the weeks go on.

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 16:01

You very much refer to your mother and childcare. Does your father get involved ever to share the load?

JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 16:08

It’s hard because I know deep down he puts me through so much. This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house (him not liking what i’ve cooked for dinner, house not being spotless etc), but I love him and I don’t know how to stop.

WTF did i just read? For real?

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 16:10

It’s hard because I know deep down he puts me through so much. This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house (him not liking what i’ve cooked for dinner, house not being spotless etc), but I love him and I don’t know how to stop.

You don’t know how to stop?

how about you take a glance at your children OP? Sufficient motivation for you?