Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

He’s left me and I just had his baby

255 replies

Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 19:30

In need of a major hand hold.

DP had an argument (something over nothing really) with my mum. He said some really unforgivable, disgusting things to her. Totally uncalled for and words I wouldn’t be able to repeat or type on here because it makes me cry every time I think about what he said to her.

I had DS2 nearly 2 weeks ago. I’m breastfeeding and trying to adjust to having a newborn and toddler.

He turned round to me after their argument and said I have to choose either my mum or him and that if I chose mum I would no longer be apart of his life.

Any way, we are having building work done at the flat so I’ve been staying at mums (where she has been helping me with DS1 following c-section). I said it wasn’t practical for me to up and leave and go to his mums house so stayed at my mums.

He then blocked my number, my mums number and has left me.

He also got his mum to text me asking me to drop my set of keys back to our flat and dumped a load of my things on my mums doorstep.

I understand he has a problem with my mum (again, something over nothing and he has massively overreacted). But to leave me on mothers day, block me and kick us out of the flat… I’ve never felt so vulnerable and hurt in my life.

Don’t have anyone to talk to so ranting on here. Apologies.

OP posts:
Nosleepforthismum · 19/03/2023 21:28

I’m shaking with anger on your behalf reading this. He’s a CUNT. He is abusing you and your self esteem is non existent. Please please please don’t go back to this prick. I know it’s scary and you are vulnerable having given birth so recently (which makes him even more despicable) but you will be so much better off without him.

Kpcs · 19/03/2023 21:30

How old were you both when you got together?

Iquitforevermore · 19/03/2023 21:30

@Kpcs op said they were teenagers.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
Londontown12 · 19/03/2023 21:32

He will keep on treating you like this because he can your enabling him !
THe fear of the unknown being on your own probably scary for you so better the devil you know .
you need all the courage to leave this horrible man because your son or daughter will learn his and yours behaviours inflicting it on there future partners or daughter letting a partner treat her how you are now being treated
Be brave and break the cycle for your children x

HangingOver · 19/03/2023 21:34

this is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house (him not liking what i’ve cooked for dinner, house not being spotless etc

Oh no no no OP this is so awful to read! He's a monster.

Thefriendlyone · 19/03/2023 21:35

He turned round to me after their argument and said I have to choose either my mum or him and that if I chose mum I would no longer be apart of his life.Any way, we are having building work done at the flat so I’ve been staying at mums (where she has been helping me with DS1 following c-section). I said it wasn’t practical for me to up and leave and go to his mums house so stayed at my mums.

what do you mean as it wasn’t practical so you stayed? This reads horribly like If it was practical you’d have chosen him and dumped your lovely mum in a heart beat. ?

KeanuKenunu · 19/03/2023 21:35

I had to sleep in a car with my mum on occasion as a teenager. I'm not the person I should have been because of my bad home life. My mum died young and suffered a lot. There are positives here - your mum sounds wonderful and you can stay with her so you have a home. You are not financially tangled up - which makes you more free than some women. I can see you in the future with two lovely children, a job, independence and a new and different loving man if you want that. It is there and it is real. Fight for what you deserve. You will get there....

samqueens · 19/03/2023 21:35

I’m so sorry OP - that is despicable behaviour on his part. But it’s also true that he is doing you a favour by showing so clearly who he is…

Thankfully you have a loving and supportive mum, whom you’re close to and you and your babies are in the best place you could be right now.

Please download on kindle app and read the Lundy Bancroft book “Why Does He Do That?” - it sounds as though there’s a lot of backstory and that this is part of a bigger pattern of his behaviour. I think you’ll find it really illuminating.

Give the new baby your surname - if you’re not married you’re under no obligation to use his. Stay put and use this time to recover and focus on you and your children. I know it’s really hard but try not to replay what’s happened over and over again while beating yourself up - you’ve done nothing wrong.

You don’t have to decide what’s happening for the next year/two/ten right now. Just take it day by day. When you feel up to it consider what he is modeling for your children and whether you’d want them to behave like this to their partners, or accept it in a relationship themselves when they are adults.

💐💐

LuckyPeonies · 19/03/2023 21:39

Did he really want the second kid, or even the first? He is fully financially responsible for everyone and working those long hours can’t be easy. It sounds to me like he feels overwhelmed and trapped and wants out. (Not to make excuses for him, if that is the case he should have made sure there were no pregnancies)

MagnificentDelurker · 19/03/2023 21:45

LuckyPeonies · 19/03/2023 21:39

Did he really want the second kid, or even the first? He is fully financially responsible for everyone and working those long hours can’t be easy. It sounds to me like he feels overwhelmed and trapped and wants out. (Not to make excuses for him, if that is the case he should have made sure there were no pregnancies)

There’s no excuse to treat another human being the way this man has treated OP. Kicking your partner out because the house is not spotless!!!

This is abuse! I hope you are right and he wants out. This is the best outcome for OP.

Maray1967 · 19/03/2023 21:45

He is not a good man. Working long hours does not excuse what he has done. You must use this opportunity to end this relationship - he is abusive.

Abouttimemum · 19/03/2023 21:49

Fathers (who live with their kids) don’t ‘book in’ or ‘cancel’ times to look after their children. Absolutely ridiculous situation. I book my mum in to babysit, not their dad. He just looks after them because he’s their parent.

Blokes like this make my blood boil.

BarnacleNora · 19/03/2023 21:50

Oh @Rachell1 I'm so sorry. What an utter shit he is.

My ex husband left me four weeks before I gave birth to our second child. It was awful, I couldn't comprehend how he could do it. When I eventually gave birth he refused to be there. He saw the baby for one day and then fucked off to his family 3 hours away for the rest of the Christmas holiday. He offered no help whatsoever and just assumed my family would pick up all the slack (which they did, thank god)

For ages I was the same as you, if he'd come back and said he wanted to try again I would have taken him back in a heartbeat. Thank god he didn't because I had time to find my anger. Eventually he let our baby down badly. The baby was rushed to hospital one night with sepsis, incredibly serious and life threatening. I told him straightaway and he said he couldn't make it til the next day, that he was busy, the car wasn't working, all sorts of excuses. That night hardened my heart. I had been prepared to put up with his treatment of me but as soon as he let down my child I knew I couldn't forgive that. And I then realised his actions throughout had been letting down our children, through me.

I initiated divorce proceedings from my babies' hospital bed, whilst he was sleeping, Googling solicitors and starting to email them.

Please OP, find your anger. He is not a good partner and is not a good father and he has you completely under his spell. Do the freedom course and find out why you are finding it so difficult to say no to him and leave him. There is so much good out there away from him. Please do yourself and your children the biggest favour you can and go and find it

Mari9999 · 19/03/2023 21:51

OP, you have 2 children for whom you havYoue to be responsible. Your partner sounds like a bit of a jerk, but if he is working 12 hours a day for 6 days a week, it makes some sense that he might in fact need some unwind time.

You both sound a bit like children playing house rather than adults who are mindful of what parenting actually involves.

You need to come to terms with how you will manage life as a single mom of 2 children. You may no longer have the luxury of being a SAHP. You should file for CM and being to make plans for housing for you and your 2 children. You focus must shift from life without him to providing an adequate life for your 2 children.

Maybe he will grow up , and maybe not. The upside is that he is obviously not adverse to hard work , so he should be able to provide his share of support for your 2 children. That means that you have only to focus on supporting yourself and providing your share of support for the children.

It is likely that you will be able to rely on him for CM but little else. Your life will change, but that is a part of growing up and choosing to be a parent. Fortunately for you, you have some support from your mom, but that is not a resource that you should wear out.

Just put on your adult pants and realize that the world is filled with single moms who are managing life for themselves and their kids. You too can manage , and maybe along the way you will both be forced to grow up a bit more.

Sunriseinwonderland · 19/03/2023 21:52

You are in an abusive relationship with a vile abuser. He should be in prison. How he is treating you is against the law - controlling coercive behaviour.

ThereIbledit · 19/03/2023 21:54

@dogmandu
There are so many posts here saying 'stay with your mum' which would be great and very helpful, but is she OK with this?
You say she was asking for a break so I wonder if the whole situation is too much for her?

I don't know any of them but I'm certain that her mum would have her stay with her for as long as she needed, if it meant getting her daughter out of this abusive situation.

I imagine her mum is sick of the good for nothing arsehole not looking after his own child.

Redbone · 19/03/2023 21:54

Wow you are far better off without him! He is abusive. Cut all ties, live your Mum and take him to the cleaners for child maintenance.

Justalittlebitduckling · 19/03/2023 21:54

What you have described is emotionally abusive behaviour. He’s been calling the shots
for two long. Don’t wait for him to decide your fate! Take it into your own hands and decide that you are better than this.

LilyPark · 19/03/2023 21:55

LuckyPeonies · 19/03/2023 21:39

Did he really want the second kid, or even the first? He is fully financially responsible for everyone and working those long hours can’t be easy. It sounds to me like he feels overwhelmed and trapped and wants out. (Not to make excuses for him, if that is the case he should have made sure there were no pregnancies)

Let's hope he wants out and never goes near the OP again.

Sherrystrull · 19/03/2023 21:56

You say he works hard and is often exhausted. Hmmmm. Sounds like when he gets home from work he doesn't lift a finger to help you or the children and has you wait on him hand and foot as he's so 'exhausted'.

Thoughtful2355 · 19/03/2023 21:58

sorry but you need to be stronger for your kids, Love is such an excuse, dont bullshit here. Love your kids, your kids should be enough for you. dont let them grow up with an abuser who will kick you out every now and then and have you walking on eggshells.

Be respectful of yourself here.

Figgygal · 19/03/2023 22:01

He sounds like a total piece of shit op
Don't look back

EpicChaos · 19/03/2023 22:01

" my life would totally change if we actually broke up. "

Yes, it would indeed - for the better!
You and your kids and mum deserve better.
Great that he runs 2 garages, he'll have no excuse not to provide enough money for the kids.
Good luck!

Motherofalittledragon · 19/03/2023 22:03

Why would you put up with this arsehole of a man, and what example are you setting your DC letting him kick you out of the house every time he has a hissey fit? I wouldn't leave him alone for 3 or 4 days it'd be sodding permanently.

anonymousxoxo · 19/03/2023 22:04

This is why I keep saying women need to be financially independent, pay for childcare and use birth control. But, some women seem determined to be a SAHM, get financially abused and abused in other ways.

I’ll get some hate quotes, oh not all
SAHM’s are like this.

But reality is OP has no job, no money, no roof over her head and will have to rely on benefits and her Mum. He won’t pay child maintenance, even if he does it will be bare minimum and won’t make a difference.

Swipe left for the next trending thread