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Original poster

He’s left me and I just had his baby

255 replies

Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 19:30

In need of a major hand hold.

DP had an argument (something over nothing really) with my mum. He said some really unforgivable, disgusting things to her. Totally uncalled for and words I wouldn’t be able to repeat or type on here because it makes me cry every time I think about what he said to her.

I had DS2 nearly 2 weeks ago. I’m breastfeeding and trying to adjust to having a newborn and toddler.

He turned round to me after their argument and said I have to choose either my mum or him and that if I chose mum I would no longer be apart of his life.

Any way, we are having building work done at the flat so I’ve been staying at mums (where she has been helping me with DS1 following c-section). I said it wasn’t practical for me to up and leave and go to his mums house so stayed at my mums.

He then blocked my number, my mums number and has left me.

He also got his mum to text me asking me to drop my set of keys back to our flat and dumped a load of my things on my mums doorstep.

I understand he has a problem with my mum (again, something over nothing and he has massively overreacted). But to leave me on mothers day, block me and kick us out of the flat… I’ve never felt so vulnerable and hurt in my life.

Don’t have anyone to talk to so ranting on here. Apologies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rachell1 · 20/03/2023 16:18

I definitely am aware that his behavior towards us is wrong. I think its just he is extremely manipulative and he manages to make me second guess myself every single time.

For example… about a month ago I was 9 months pregnant and made chicken wings, pizza and a salad for dinner which wasn’t to his standards. I usually do make something more hearty and healthy but obviously at 9 months pregnant I thought I was entitled to a slack day! Any way, he royally kicked off and made me feel like crap. But.. when we actually spoke about it he was saying how he works such long hours and considering I am at home all day, all he is asking for is one nice meal to come back to and thats it. Which I suppose he has a point.. kinda.. he just always makes me second guess myself

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 20/03/2023 16:19

Can you apply for social housing? You are a victim of domestic abuse.

You need to call Women's Aid
0808 2000 247

Try Shelter too:
england.shelter.org.uk/get_help

Women's Aid can hold your hand through this, help you deal with the emotional fallout and practical details.

He hasn't asked about the babies because that would be an admission on his part that they are real, three-dimensional human beings. In his head, he is the only real person in this situation. The rest of you are cardboard cutouts. Your only function is to reflect back his own self-image at him.

Sorry to say, his parents created a monster. Telling you to give him time and then talk - horrific advice. They're not your friends. They're actively encouraging you to put yourself in harm's way, get back with this abusive twat, and play nicey nicey.

I'd block them all if I were you, the parents and the exP.

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 16:19

As your children grow older m
they will be subjected to this environment Op
it will be hellish for them

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
mathanxiety · 20/03/2023 16:30

Every abusive tosser is also a manipulative tosser. Your P is following a well-worn script. They all try to justify their rage and their attempts to control and instill fear.

His tantrums have nothing whatsoever to do with any specific dinner you make or any specific chore keft undone. He kicked off in order to direct your attention on him. Your exP is a bottomless pit who will suck you dry. There will never be enough attention you can throw into the pit. There will never be a point where he turns around and says your love has healed him, and he's now able to be in a healthy, loving relationship. Let go of that dream if you're holding onto it.

He has a personality disorder that can only be tackled if he decides he's the one with the problem. Do you see any evidence of this? I don't. I see a man who is actively punishing you for having a baby and needing help afterward. I see the parents who brought him up completely blind to his abusive nature and encouraging you to go back for more.

There's a book you should try to read in your spare minutes - Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by author Lundy Bancroft.

It's available online as a pdf.

Minfilia · 20/03/2023 17:30

It sounds like you need some serious work on your self esteem OP. Stop letting yourself be treated like that and stop letting him hold all the cards!

end the relationship permanently and find something better!

Coyoacan · 20/03/2023 17:49

OP, that is great news that you are applying to the council for housing. You should also apply for Universal Credit and any other benefit you might be entitled to (maybe Women's Aid would know) and, of course, Child Maintenance.

As a grandmother myself, I understand that your mum gets tired looking after a toddler, but soon you will be able to look after him yourself, so I don't think that is necessarily a barrier to you staying on with your parents.

Boomboom22 · 20/03/2023 17:59

Are you entirely mad? No dinner is not the only thing you do all day at 9 months pregnant with a young toddler. What about growing a life? Parenting a toddler? Keeping the house vaguely clean all day? I think it's a funking cheek he expected you to cook at all! When I was 9 months pregnant with an 18 month old my husband did all the cleaning and cooking when he go home. He got very annoyed when i moved some furniture around as he thought I should just instruct him. That's normal!

LuckyPeonies · 20/03/2023 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RosaBonheur · 20/03/2023 18:17

Rachell1 · 20/03/2023 16:18

I definitely am aware that his behavior towards us is wrong. I think its just he is extremely manipulative and he manages to make me second guess myself every single time.

For example… about a month ago I was 9 months pregnant and made chicken wings, pizza and a salad for dinner which wasn’t to his standards. I usually do make something more hearty and healthy but obviously at 9 months pregnant I thought I was entitled to a slack day! Any way, he royally kicked off and made me feel like crap. But.. when we actually spoke about it he was saying how he works such long hours and considering I am at home all day, all he is asking for is one nice meal to come back to and thats it. Which I suppose he has a point.. kinda.. he just always makes me second guess myself

He doesn't have a point.

If he was in one of the millions of families were both adults go out to work all day, he'd still want the other person to have his dinner ready every night.

RobinRobinMouse · 20/03/2023 18:36

He does not have a point. He is brainwashing you and he is most definitely the one in the wrong here. At 9 months pregnant (and anytime really) he should be grateful you even made him a dinner.

RosaBonheur · 20/03/2023 18:55

When she was 9 months pregnant he should have been the one making the dinner!

ingenvillvetavardukoptdintroja · 20/03/2023 19:03

He's treating you badly and trying to make it sound reasonable. This is to make you compliant so he can control you.
He's probably getting his mum to message you so he can play more mind games.
He wants to isolate you from your mum Because she's prepared to stand her ground and he doesn't like that. If you're isolated he can control you more.
A reasonable person would end a relationship by making a plan with you around custody/maintenance. Not block your number FFS. You're the mother of his kids!

He's going to extremes to scare you into capitulation. If you go back, it'll keep getting worse.
It's scary but you can do it and one day life will be so much better. You deserve happiness and respect,not this vile behaviour. And he's doing it all on purpose. He does not love you.

Pinkflipflop85 · 20/03/2023 19:32

Rachell1 · 20/03/2023 16:18

I definitely am aware that his behavior towards us is wrong. I think its just he is extremely manipulative and he manages to make me second guess myself every single time.

For example… about a month ago I was 9 months pregnant and made chicken wings, pizza and a salad for dinner which wasn’t to his standards. I usually do make something more hearty and healthy but obviously at 9 months pregnant I thought I was entitled to a slack day! Any way, he royally kicked off and made me feel like crap. But.. when we actually spoke about it he was saying how he works such long hours and considering I am at home all day, all he is asking for is one nice meal to come back to and thats it. Which I suppose he has a point.. kinda.. he just always makes me second guess myself

I remember you posting about this.

Back then you were told to think about leaving the abusive twat.

Codlingmoths · 20/03/2023 20:20

He doesn’t have any kind of point. My Dh works hard and I barely cooked dinner the first 6 months i was home with ds1, everything was too hard. At 9 months
pregnant he cooks or he says this is delicious thank you so much even if it’s a peanut butter sandwich for dinner.
would it help to think of it as it doesn’t matter if you love him, he’s not nice and bad for your children and they are more important? They need a home and you won’t find it with him.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 20/03/2023 20:22

Hi OP - you may feel that some of the comments on this thread are harsh.

I felt the same way when I posted about my cheating husband 11 years ago. But actually, looking back, they were right. I was prioritising the relationship (because I believed children having a mum and dad together was best for the children). It’s not if the relationship is dysfunctional.

I really wish you well x

JennyForeigner · 20/03/2023 20:25

mathanxiety · 20/03/2023 16:19

Can you apply for social housing? You are a victim of domestic abuse.

You need to call Women's Aid
0808 2000 247

Try Shelter too:
england.shelter.org.uk/get_help

Women's Aid can hold your hand through this, help you deal with the emotional fallout and practical details.

He hasn't asked about the babies because that would be an admission on his part that they are real, three-dimensional human beings. In his head, he is the only real person in this situation. The rest of you are cardboard cutouts. Your only function is to reflect back his own self-image at him.

Sorry to say, his parents created a monster. Telling you to give him time and then talk - horrific advice. They're not your friends. They're actively encouraging you to put yourself in harm's way, get back with this abusive twat, and play nicey nicey.

I'd block them all if I were you, the parents and the exP.

I think this is very wise OP. I hope you manage to get past this awful damaged manipulative man, and to give your children the best possible start in life.

You can't do that with him. Look up JADE - it's something many of us learn about through MN and is about how abusers make you justify, argue, defend and explain until they have worn you away. It sounds like it would have a lot of resonance for you.

Andtheotherone · 20/03/2023 20:37

I feel so sorry for your poor children. You knowingly brought another innocent baby into your abusive relationship. Cop on with the ‘I love him so much’ rubbish. You have children now and you are responsible for them. Stop your simpering over an abusive piece of crap. Move on with your life as a single mother. Time to grow up. You’re not a teenager anymore @Rachell1

Quartz2208 · 20/03/2023 21:01

Rachell1 · 20/03/2023 16:18

I definitely am aware that his behavior towards us is wrong. I think its just he is extremely manipulative and he manages to make me second guess myself every single time.

For example… about a month ago I was 9 months pregnant and made chicken wings, pizza and a salad for dinner which wasn’t to his standards. I usually do make something more hearty and healthy but obviously at 9 months pregnant I thought I was entitled to a slack day! Any way, he royally kicked off and made me feel like crap. But.. when we actually spoke about it he was saying how he works such long hours and considering I am at home all day, all he is asking for is one nice meal to come back to and thats it. Which I suppose he has a point.. kinda.. he just always makes me second guess myself

You posted didn’t you abut this at the time.

that is a nice meal though you deserve better as do your children.

mustgetoffmn · 20/03/2023 21:06

Northernsouloldies · 19/03/2023 19:40

Getting his mum to text, is he fucking ten. What a prick

Well the Mum sounds either the same or completely controlled by him. OP really needs to get out of this relationship. He is a child

mustgetoffmn · 20/03/2023 21:13

Pinkflipflop85 · 20/03/2023 19:32

I remember you posting about this.

Back then you were told to think about leaving the abusive twat.

Show quote history

He doesn’t have a point. Not at all. He sounds like an ungrateful brat of about age 10.

SchoolTripDrama · 20/03/2023 21:28

Jesus Christ so he keeps kicking his kids out of their home and you're just accepting it because when he's nice he's really nice?!?! What the fuck?!?

SchoolTripDrama · 20/03/2023 21:31

@Rachell1 if he came round now and said sorry i’d be over the moon

😧

Those poor, poor children.

Canthave2manycats · 20/03/2023 21:39

What does your mum say about all this @Rachell1? Surely she's not going to stand by and watch you go back to him? You would be utterly mad if you did. It's very much a case of you can't live with him rather than you can't live without him? You sound young - where is the joy and fun in your life?

What age is your oap mum? I've a feeling, not very....

You've had lots of good advice here - take it for your own sake and your boys' sake.

Helpmethanks · 20/03/2023 21:47

This is narcissistic abuse

Get out before he destroys you

Its rare a MN thread has such unanimous replies

Men who can walk away from tiny babies have something missing from their soul, a lack of empathy

Great books
Healing from Hidden Abuse

and
Sociopath next door

aureus3012 · 20/03/2023 23:34

Rachell1 · 20/03/2023 16:18

I definitely am aware that his behavior towards us is wrong. I think its just he is extremely manipulative and he manages to make me second guess myself every single time.

For example… about a month ago I was 9 months pregnant and made chicken wings, pizza and a salad for dinner which wasn’t to his standards. I usually do make something more hearty and healthy but obviously at 9 months pregnant I thought I was entitled to a slack day! Any way, he royally kicked off and made me feel like crap. But.. when we actually spoke about it he was saying how he works such long hours and considering I am at home all day, all he is asking for is one nice meal to come back to and thats it. Which I suppose he has a point.. kinda.. he just always makes me second guess myself

My narcissist ex used to have an answer to everything too. I know it's hard but you have to rise above the gaslighting, brainwashing behaviour and put your children first. Please please know that the successful future of your children is in your hands, and with him as a father it is unfortunately solely down to you.

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