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Original poster

He’s left me and I just had his baby

255 replies

Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 19:30

In need of a major hand hold.

DP had an argument (something over nothing really) with my mum. He said some really unforgivable, disgusting things to her. Totally uncalled for and words I wouldn’t be able to repeat or type on here because it makes me cry every time I think about what he said to her.

I had DS2 nearly 2 weeks ago. I’m breastfeeding and trying to adjust to having a newborn and toddler.

He turned round to me after their argument and said I have to choose either my mum or him and that if I chose mum I would no longer be apart of his life.

Any way, we are having building work done at the flat so I’ve been staying at mums (where she has been helping me with DS1 following c-section). I said it wasn’t practical for me to up and leave and go to his mums house so stayed at my mums.

He then blocked my number, my mums number and has left me.

He also got his mum to text me asking me to drop my set of keys back to our flat and dumped a load of my things on my mums doorstep.

I understand he has a problem with my mum (again, something over nothing and he has massively overreacted). But to leave me on mothers day, block me and kick us out of the flat… I’ve never felt so vulnerable and hurt in my life.

Don’t have anyone to talk to so ranting on here. Apologies.

OP posts:
plominoagain · 19/03/2023 19:52

Don't leave him for 3-4 days , leave him forever . And yes , your life will definitely change . For the better .

Bet his cutting you off won't last if you do just get on without him . He'll be hell bent on weaselling his way in with you , as he won't want to be without his victim .

You can and will do better without him dragging you through a life of misery.

Pinkflipflop85 · 19/03/2023 19:52

You don't need to be fair to him.

He's really done a number on you.

CrosswordConundrum · 19/03/2023 19:55

You need to stay at your mum’s once and for all.

It’s painful reading that you keep going back after he throws you out for not liking dinner - WTAF OP! You’re not on the lease so have no obligation.

Please get help and don’t go back. I can categorically say if my DP did this, in these circumstances, my MIL would be metaphorically kicking his arse not sending me abusive texts and throwing my stuff out. The whole family are abusive and you are better off with your lovely mum for now.

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ytetgva · 19/03/2023 19:58

What a loser. Why will you want to be with someone like that and how can you even love someone like this.

Appleass · 19/03/2023 19:58

For this excuse of a man to do you at such a time in your life is good riddance in my opinion! You clearly mean very little to him, (sorry to be blunt) because of how easily he has dumped you. If you give in to him after this, (make him beg, plead and apologise to you and your mother) you stand a life time of emotional abuse from him! Be strong for yourself and those babies.

kwetu · 19/03/2023 19:59

Nothing to add to what's already been said, just wanted to send hugs and handholds, and to say you & yours deserve so much better.

Sunriseinwonderland · 19/03/2023 20:01

No loss there my love. He isn't fit to be a father or a partner.
You'll understand that after you've had time to settle down. A real man doesn't do this right after his partner has given birth.

Perfect28 · 19/03/2023 20:01

Oh OP, have the courage to leave once and for all. Your children and you deserve better. Don't make them live this life

Madeintowerhamlets · 19/03/2023 20:03

It just gets worse with each update OP. He sounds like a complete twat. You & your DC deserve so much more!

TheOGCCL · 19/03/2023 20:04

I know it’s hard but this is an abusive relationship. Your mum called him out on some of his selfish behaviour which wasn’t part of the plan. He would like you estranged from your mum so you are even more under his control. It’s not ok to say ‘I have a life’ four days after the birth of his child. It should be all about family at that point. He has shown you who he is and how little he cares. If you carry on, it will go round and round like this forever, probably worsening as the kids get bigger and make all sorts of demands.

Silvers11 · 19/03/2023 20:04

You have just described what is clearly an abusive relationship - and HE is the abuser. I am so sorry, but you are better off without him in your life. And your children will suffer too if you stay with him. Please don't ruin their lives too by continuing to let him treat you like this

Original poster
Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 20:04

I suppose is it true in the sense I live my life around trying to ensure that i’m wanted by him. I hate it. I do things not for myself but for him and I let it rule my days. I don’t even like going out for long during the day anymore because I need to make sure dinner is done every day and that the flat is cleaned. It is draining.. and hard with a toddler!

But like I say, it almost feels like I can’t live without him and I don’t know how to make that feeling go away. In fact, if he came round now and said sorry i’d be over the moon because I miss him so much. I’m aware of how little self respect I have and how weak I am but that is just how I feel and I hate it.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 19/03/2023 20:05

Hes working hard for himself. He's converting his flat for himself. Nothing is for you and you are not eligible for anything if you split. The flat is his. The rental will be his. Both garages are his.

What do you have? No home. No work. No money. Unable to do anything because you have two young children. He gives you no security because he kicks you out of his home. He gives you no freedom by looking after his own children.

Open your eyes and run the fuck away.

Summer2424 · 19/03/2023 20:06

Hi @Rachell1 sorry you're going through this 😔
I had a similar situation, my DH said some awful things to my Mum a week after i had given birth. Me and my newborn DD were staying at my Mum's recovering and he demanded i return to his family home (we don't have our own place). I was forced to leave my Mum's and returned to his family home where i didn't recover properly. It was like hell when i think back now, the best moment of my life was ruined by the arguments and stress.
Please try your best to just focus on your kids and hopefully things will get sorted with your other half, if not it's his loss.
Sending you lots of strength to get through this time x

MajorCarolDanvers · 19/03/2023 20:06

This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house (him not liking what i’ve cooked for dinner, house not being spotless etc)

This is domestic abuse

You need to end this now. For your sake and so your children don't grow up thinking this is normal.

BellePeppa · 19/03/2023 20:08

You may ‘love’ him (god knows why) but do you like him? If you don’t like him then it’s time you fell out of love with him (he’s just a long time bad habit, this isn’t what love is meant to be).

Cracklingfire1 · 19/03/2023 20:09

Please don't go back. Try to break this habit. Give yourself a week and then another, hopefully after a couple of weeks the dependence will start to fade. You must try to break this though or live a life of misery. It's not love you are feeling, you are desperately seeking approval. Do you even like him?

Peonies84 · 19/03/2023 20:10

@Pixiedust1234 said it. What a vile piece of work he is.

Original poster
Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 20:10

I do feel like for the first time I have had moments today where I wonder ‘would I be able to leave him’, which is something I’ve never really contemplated.

Probably one of the reasons why i’ve put it on here.. just to clarify that I am right to think that way.

It’s just doing it is a whole other thing isn’t it and I’d need to find some serious serious strength.. which I currently do not have in my sleep deprived state!

OP posts:
jigsaw234 · 19/03/2023 20:11

OK. Deep breath.

  1. Move your money out of any joint accounts - now
  2. CMS claim - tomorrow
  3. register baby - with your name and without him on the birth certificate
  4. start to do your sums, how long does your mat leave last, can you afford a place on your own etc

you've got this and you're better off without him

shimmeringspice · 19/03/2023 20:11

Do your children a favour and leave.

Cracklingfire1 · 19/03/2023 20:13

You are living with your lovely supportive mum. You have a loving home. Hopefully you will be able to stay there to recover and get over this abusive man. I'm sure your family will be very relieved you have separated.

ThereIbledit · 19/03/2023 20:15

Hand hold from me. That's an absolutely shocking thing to do to both your mother and to you. It's one of the worst examples of behaviour I have ever read about on Mumsnet.

He sounds like an arsehole of a partner to be honest. I know that your life will change dramatically but you absolutely need to see this as the TOTAL deal breaker that it is. It should have been a dealbreaker when he kicked you out of your home over fucking dinner or the hoovering. All of his behaviour put together without the home kickouts and without today is absolutely enough to draw a line and sack the fucking arsehole. I absolutely do not give one shiny shit about how hard he works at work. He can fuck off and work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week now, can't he.

YukoandHiro · 19/03/2023 20:15

"This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house (him not liking what i’ve cooked for dinner, house not being spotless etc),"

He is an abuser. However you feel, do not expose your children to this any longer. It will not only destroy their childhoods but their mental health throughout life.

Do not let you talk him round. Tell your mum everything you've told us here. Let her support and protect you while you work out the next steps for you and your DC.

FairFuming · 19/03/2023 20:16

It sounds like you a living like a single mum already. I've been in a similar position and can't recommend leaving enough. Not having to walk on eggshells, feeling safe and secure in my own home and after a couple years finding a man who treats me fairly and with respect is so worth the hurt and struggle it was when I first left.
The way he treats you is abusive, please contact womans aid. They will help you. You can also speak to your council about emergency housing, apply for UC and CMS online and once those balls are rolling try take some time to grieve the life you should have had.