Page 7 | He’s left me and I just had his baby

Rachell1 · 2023-03-19T19:30:26+00:00

In need of a major hand hold. DP had an argument (something over nothing really) with my mum. He said some really unforgivable, disgusting things to her. Totally uncalled for and words I wouldn’t be able to repeat or type on here because it makes me cry every time I think about what he said to her. I had DS2 nearly 2 weeks ago. I’m breastfeeding and trying to adjust to having a newborn and toddler. He turned round to me after their argument and said I have to choose either my mum or him and that if I chose mum I would no longer be apart of his life. Any way, we are having building work done at the flat so I’ve been staying at mums (where she has been helping me with DS1 following c-section). I said it wasn’t practical for me to up and leave and go to his mums house so stayed at my mums. He then blocked my number, my mums number and has left me. He also got his mum to text me asking me to drop my set of keys back to our flat and dumped a load of my things on my mums doorstep. I understand he has a problem with my mum (again, something over nothing and he has massively overreacted). But to leave me on mothers day, block me and kick us out of the flat… I’ve never felt so vulnerable and hurt in my life. Don’t have anyone to talk to so ranting on here. Apologies.

Zone2NorthLondon · 19/03/2023 22:04

Mari9999 · 19/03/2023 21:51

OP, you have 2 children for whom you havYoue to be responsible. Your partner sounds like a bit of a jerk, but if he is working 12 hours a day for 6 days a week, it makes some sense that he might in fact need some unwind time.

You both sound a bit like children playing house rather than adults who are mindful of what parenting actually involves.

You need to come to terms with how you will manage life as a single mom of 2 children. You may no longer have the luxury of being a SAHP. You should file for CM and being to make plans for housing for you and your 2 children. You focus must shift from life without him to providing an adequate life for your 2 children.

Maybe he will grow up , and maybe not. The upside is that he is obviously not adverse to hard work , so he should be able to provide his share of support for your 2 children. That means that you have only to focus on supporting yourself and providing your share of support for the children.

It is likely that you will be able to rely on him for CM but little else. Your life will change, but that is a part of growing up and choosing to be a parent. Fortunately for you, you have some support from your mom, but that is not a resource that you should wear out.

Just put on your adult pants and realize that the world is filled with single moms who are managing life for themselves and their kids. You too can manage , and maybe along the way you will both be forced to grow up a bit more.

I feel compelled to comment on the Just put on your adult pants verbosity. It’s RL not a chat show. Ease up on the big balls rhetoric
She had a baby two weeks ago,and is recovering from surgery and a man who has left her and is demanding she return keys to their flat
It is so much more than adult pants. It’s how to safely leave an overbearing bully and get her life back

SheDoneAlreadyHadHersess · 19/03/2023 22:05

Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 20:04

I suppose is it true in the sense I live my life around trying to ensure that i’m wanted by him. I hate it. I do things not for myself but for him and I let it rule my days. I don’t even like going out for long during the day anymore because I need to make sure dinner is done every day and that the flat is cleaned. It is draining.. and hard with a toddler!

But like I say, it almost feels like I can’t live without him and I don’t know how to make that feeling go away. In fact, if he came round now and said sorry i’d be over the moon because I miss him so much. I’m aware of how little self respect I have and how weak I am but that is just how I feel and I hate it.

You’ve been with him since you were a teenager so you don’t know any better.

He is not someone you need to be breaking your heart over, he sounds like some godawful Jeremy Kyle caricature.

No other woman would have him. You will find someone better, once you’ve found yourself.

Canthave2manycats · 19/03/2023 22:08

@Mari9999 I can't actually believe you just posted this -

OP, you have 2 children for whom you havYoue to be responsible. Your partner sounds like a bit of a jerk, but if he is working 12 hours a day for 6 days a week, it makes some sense that he might in fact need some unwind time.

Maybe he shouldn't have had children then.

OldFan · 19/03/2023 22:09

Wow @Rachell1 He sounds awful. Don't let him off at all. This should be over.

MummyJ36 · 19/03/2023 22:12

So he’s kicked you out of the house before for not cooking the kind of dinner he wants? And this is truly the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Please think of your kids in the mix of this. Is that how you want them to see you being treated? Do you want to go on to see them either treat a woman like this or be treated like this themselves?

dandeliondandy · 19/03/2023 22:13

I know this is hard to accept but the other posters are correct. He is abusive. The horrible thing is that he is willing to neglect your children when they are very young. Imagine how he is going to be in the years to come! That is even before we bring you into it. You deserve so much better. I know that abusive men like this strip away your confidence, they isolate you, they control you. When the good times are good, they are such a high but they are followed by unbearable lows and the bad times will become more numerous than the good times. It has already started. I understand that you are confused so I am going to suggest that you get some help and speak to an 'outsider', someone who isn't personally involved.

The first people I would like you to contact are WomensAid UK. You have to email them on [email protected] and leave your details and a brief explanation. They will contact you. They are experts in abusive relationships and have advisors who will help you with finances, law, housing, emotional support etc.

I know that you may not want to hear it or be ready to acknowledge it but you have been a victim of domestic abuse. The laws around domestic abuse have really been beefed up. You may think that what I am saying is extreme but please read this:

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/

There is no shame. YOU have not done anything wrong or anything to 'deserve' this treatment. the people who do these things come in all shapes and sizes and professions from high ranking policemen to politicians to teachers to binmen. the problem is theirs. It is not you.

You need emotional and practical support. You have been given lots of advice. Please reach out to Womens Aid, they will be able to help you emotionally and practically.

I would also recommend you contact Gingerbread which is an organisation for single parents as they too have lots of practical support - They are on 0808 802 0925.

It isn't going to get better. Please don't make the classic mistake of thinking that any 2 parent family is better for the kids than none and you should go back. It is going to hurt you and your children if you tread the same path again. If he seriously is going to become part of the family unit again, then he needs to get help and demonstrate real change. That takes time and commitment. You won't achieve that under the same roof. You need a stable place for you and your children, a source of income and supportive people around you.

Give yourself time to heal physically from the birth and a breathing space. Get your ducks in a row to give you and your babies the best chance as a little unit, a safe haven and a peaceful environment. There is a lot of support out there. Please get in touch with the places I mentioned. They saved my mum's life, mine and my brother's when we were kids in the 1980's from my father who was not only controlling, verbally abusive, financially controlling, emotionally abusive but who beat us all badly for no reason than he 'lost his temper'. Yours may not have hit you or the kids (yet) but as a child survivor of domestic abuse, it is the emotional and verbal stuff that left the real scars that have dogged me all my life. Please don't let this happen to your little ones or you.

Mateyduck · 19/03/2023 22:19

Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 19:46

It’s hard because I know deep down he puts me through so much. This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house (him not liking what i’ve cooked for dinner, house not being spotless etc), but I love him and I don’t know how to stop.

I have been with him since a teenager and I have 2 children with him. I don’t work and my life would totally change if we actually broke up. I’m not happy, but at the same time we can be good and when we are, i’m the happiest person.

His mum and dad have told me to leave him be for 3-4 days and let things cool off. I understand this is the way to deal with him and give him space but at the same time I feel like a dick sat here with 2 kids waiting to hear from him with my fate?!

End the relationship and use this as a new start. Do not allow your children to see you as the weak verbal punch bag he is turning you into. He is actively trying to cut you off from your only source of support - your lovely mum. This is a blessing long term. You are free.

Over40Overdating · 19/03/2023 22:21

OP I’d you aren’t willing to cut him off now for your own sake, do it for your children: he will be as abusive to them as he is to you.

His parents clearly enable him and until now you have fallen into line so there is no chance he will change.

I know you think you love him but that’s not love - it’s trauma bonding.
Put that to the side and think about what is best for your kids. It’s not to be brought up around a father like this. I promise you they would not thank you for staying.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 19/03/2023 22:32

He doesn't love you
He doesn't love his kids
He's turned your life into shit and you will never be able to rely on him and he will abandon you all one day.

ThankYouVeryMuchGerry · 19/03/2023 22:32

OP this isn't love, this is Stockholm syndrome. I have been in your position. Don't take him back, get on with your life.

I was so close to becoming estranged from my family because of him but I managed to get out just in time.

Don't set the example to your children that this is how to treat women or this is how women deserve to be treated.

Be strong, you are worth so much more than this.

LuckyPeonies · 19/03/2023 22:33

MagnificentDelurker · 19/03/2023 21:45

There’s no excuse to treat another human being the way this man has treated OP. Kicking your partner out because the house is not spotless!!!

This is abuse! I hope you are right and he wants out. This is the best outcome for OP.

Show quote history

Oh, I agree his behavior toward her is vile. But there are so many of these threads (where everything goes south once there are kids and the woman is trapped financially, or facing a very difficult situation as a single parent) and the underlying issue always seems to be that people don’t seem to sit down and actually discuss pros and cons and plan pregnancies together, to where both agree they want kids at that point in time.

And as a result, too many young people are saddled with too much responsibility at an age where they should be having fun in their free time, not (self-inflicted) struggle and domestic drudgery.

Honestly, working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day, to support a family one may not have really wanted, with no way out, sounds hellish. And so does being financially trapped with babies. And, again, yes, I realize the men in that position are at fault, they could have - and should have - taken steps to prevent this.

k1233 · 19/03/2023 22:41

I would suggest you find a way to get into the workforce, earn your own money and save up to leave him.

Moaning5 · 19/03/2023 22:43

Yeh I agree with PP - he’s picked a fight and is a spoiled brat thanks to his mother agreeing with him.

Block then right back and focus on your baby xx

Veronicablue · 19/03/2023 22:47

So basically you and your dc are at mercy of this man's moods as to whether you will be homeless or not.

For God sake op if not for you but your children get yourself in a more stable position where no man has this type of hold or power over you.

It's not about if you love him or not anymore it's about what your children deserve and that is a secure living residences

OldFan · 19/03/2023 23:03

@Rachell1 You could go to the council, as you and your kids are effectively homeless now (that you're temporarily with your mum still counts as homeless to councils, as you and your LOs don't have a home for your family.) You have no income and small children, so you would be consider homeless and in priority need.

People think it'll take ages but it depends on your area and level of priority. I was homeless and I got my permanent home with the council within eight weeks.

However long it takes, it's worth getting on the list. Stay with your mum maybe if you can, until the council find you somewhere.

That way you will have a security that we don't have private renting, when a landlord can decide they want you out at any time.

You can also claim UC now. You can start a claim online so you don't have to go out to do it much, maybe just to show some proofs of ID etc.

LolaLu1980 · 19/03/2023 23:05

YukoandHiro · 19/03/2023 20:15

"This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house (him not liking what i’ve cooked for dinner, house not being spotless etc),"

He is an abuser. However you feel, do not expose your children to this any longer. It will not only destroy their childhoods but their mental health throughout life.

Do not let you talk him round. Tell your mum everything you've told us here. Let her support and protect you while you work out the next steps for you and your DC.

This 100%.

If you don’t decide to leave for you, do it for your kids, if you stay they will grow up thinking that this is what a relationship looks like, it will impact on them so negatively. Not to mention the instability for them every time he kicks you all out of your home. Absolutely disgusting behaviour on his part, what a complete arsehole. I am so sorry you are having to go through this, please stay strong and don’t go back. Xxx

LakieLady · 19/03/2023 23:05

Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 19:46

It’s hard because I know deep down he puts me through so much. This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house (him not liking what i’ve cooked for dinner, house not being spotless etc), but I love him and I don’t know how to stop.

I have been with him since a teenager and I have 2 children with him. I don’t work and my life would totally change if we actually broke up. I’m not happy, but at the same time we can be good and when we are, i’m the happiest person.

His mum and dad have told me to leave him be for 3-4 days and let things cool off. I understand this is the way to deal with him and give him space but at the same time I feel like a dick sat here with 2 kids waiting to hear from him with my fate?!

He's an abusive piece of shit. No decent man kicks his partner out because the house isn't clean enough for their liking or because they don't like their dinner.

Don't wait for him to dictate your "fate". Do what's right for you and your children. Go back to your flat when you're ready, if the tenancy is in joint names he can't stop you. Start a CMS claim and claim UC as well.

Sorry to be brutal, but he won't change, he thinks he can run your life and doesn't like it when he can't. I'm really sorry you're in this position, but only you can change it. And the sooner the better - the longer it goes on, the harder it will be.

ThinWomansBrain · 19/03/2023 23:16

"This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house"

And you chose to have not just one, but two children with him?

aureus3012 · 19/03/2023 23:18

I hope you notice how many people on this thread are telling you that this is an abusive relationship. You deserve better and if you can't realise that ask yourself...would you want your children to grow up to be like him?
If not, do them a favour and get them away from him. X

OldFan · 19/03/2023 23:40

ask yourself...would you want your children to grow up to be like him?

This is a good point @Rachell1 . If children see that stuff often as they grow, they can end up acting that way in relationships themselves as adults.

Antihistamine62 · 20/03/2023 00:11

Tell him and his shitty family to get to f@£!
how dare they do this to you when you are so vulnerable - I mean the post natal vulnerability- you are worth so much more than this. Someone who loves you doesn’t treat you like this

MsRosley · 20/03/2023 00:31

The only way you'll find out that you can actually live without him is to live without him. It has to be preferable to what you're living with now, OP.

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/03/2023 00:44

ThinWomansBrain · 19/03/2023 23:16

"This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house"

And you chose to have not just one, but two children with him?

How cruel & unnecessary to say that now. Here we are reading about his erosion of her self worth and his vicious comments,and you pop up to put the boot in too. Classy

@Rachell1 has 2 children with a man she believes she loves. A man she’s been with since she’s a teenager. He is a bully,he’s cruel and undermining. To the extent following a row he initiated he’s demanding she return the accommodation keys.

The pithy comments and questions should be directed at him not her
But yet,you’re ire is directed at a postnatal woman

mathanxiety · 20/03/2023 01:14

I doubt this came out of nowhere.

My guess is this has been brewing for a while and he has created a crisis to justify a decision he made a while back.

mathanxiety · 20/03/2023 01:22

Cocobutt · 19/03/2023 20:18

I’m struggling to understand why your mum was texting him asking for a break?!

Has she been looking after your DCs?
If so why is she not asking you for a break?
And if you need a break then it should be you texting him.

This relationship just seems really odd.
Like you are 2 single people who happen to just live with each other (and not even that right now).

Read the thread.
She's recovering from a CS. She was in such pain for the last few weeks of pregnancy that her mum had to step in to look after her and her DS.

He’s left me and I just had his baby

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