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Original poster

He’s left me and I just had his baby

255 replies

Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 19:30

In need of a major hand hold.

DP had an argument (something over nothing really) with my mum. He said some really unforgivable, disgusting things to her. Totally uncalled for and words I wouldn’t be able to repeat or type on here because it makes me cry every time I think about what he said to her.

I had DS2 nearly 2 weeks ago. I’m breastfeeding and trying to adjust to having a newborn and toddler.

He turned round to me after their argument and said I have to choose either my mum or him and that if I chose mum I would no longer be apart of his life.

Any way, we are having building work done at the flat so I’ve been staying at mums (where she has been helping me with DS1 following c-section). I said it wasn’t practical for me to up and leave and go to his mums house so stayed at my mums.

He then blocked my number, my mums number and has left me.

He also got his mum to text me asking me to drop my set of keys back to our flat and dumped a load of my things on my mums doorstep.

I understand he has a problem with my mum (again, something over nothing and he has massively overreacted). But to leave me on mothers day, block me and kick us out of the flat… I’ve never felt so vulnerable and hurt in my life.

Don’t have anyone to talk to so ranting on here. Apologies.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 20/03/2023 01:37

OP, what happened here is that your attention has been on your own health, and he can't stand it. Someone else has given you care and attention, too. He can't stand any need on your part or on the part of his own child. This is because when you're in need of care, your attention isn't on him.

He can't stand it when your attention is on anyone but him. Your life must revolve around him, or he will punish you. Hence, kicking you out. Hence creating this massive crisis and directing you to choose between your mum and him.

He's a complete narcissist. He will never change. Your life will get progressively more miserable if you stay with him, until you end up a quaking shell of yourself. I'm not exaggerating here. You will experience cruelty and contempt. You will feel yourself disappearing into a toxic void. There will come a day when he demands that you choose him or your children. Or he will take one of the children as his pet, and the other he will treat like shit under his shoe. He will turn that little child against you. He will turn the children against each other. Your lives will be hell, and the damage to the children will be enormous.

What has happened is the Universe's way of giving you an escape route. It has been handed to you on a plate.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 20/03/2023 02:03

Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 20:04

I suppose is it true in the sense I live my life around trying to ensure that i’m wanted by him. I hate it. I do things not for myself but for him and I let it rule my days. I don’t even like going out for long during the day anymore because I need to make sure dinner is done every day and that the flat is cleaned. It is draining.. and hard with a toddler!

But like I say, it almost feels like I can’t live without him and I don’t know how to make that feeling go away. In fact, if he came round now and said sorry i’d be over the moon because I miss him so much. I’m aware of how little self respect I have and how weak I am but that is just how I feel and I hate it.

Get a grip and grow up, put your children first and stop being such a pushover.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2023 02:10

Please read this article on the cycle of abuse. The abuse cycle explains why you’re ‘addicted’ to him. www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse

He sensed you’re slipping away, hence the ultimatum. Congratulate yourself on refusing to side against your mum. Self preservation and the need to protect your children kicked in because yours mum is your safety net each time he kicks you out.

Let this be the last time he throws you out. You will get over this, through this difficult time.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
PurpleReindeer2 · 20/03/2023 02:18

Listen to you mum. She loves you. He's an abusive loser. Raise the bar. He treats you like shit. Your mum can see this. You and your DC deserve so much better.

Coyoacan · 20/03/2023 02:43

Do you have a lot of friends, OP? I doubt it and it does sound like it.

He has you thoroughly isolated and has just tried to break your bond with your mother, which you fortunately resisted. This has a lot to do with why you feel that you love and need him, because he almost the only adult company you have. But if you accept him back he will almost certainly manage to cut your mother out of your life next time around and then you'll have no-one.

DivorcingEU · 20/03/2023 02:57

NicolaSturGONE · 19/03/2023 20:52

urgh, another one of those posts where the OP clearly isn't going to take the advice on board and will forgive the bastard. Don't waste your time folks.

Urgh. Another one of those posts where the poster clearly doesn't understand abuse and will dismiss and implicitly victim blame the OP. Ignore and keep posting folks, she can't hear enough that he's 100% in the wrong, what she feels for him isn't love and what he feels for here plus the way he treats her has nothing to do with love - or respect.

lya281292gmailcom · 20/03/2023 03:12

Is this out of character or is he often an arse. Could be feeling not part of things as your living with your mum and you have just had another child to take attention away from him. Or there is a reason he is using the petty argument with your mum as an excuse to get out of the relationship. Either way its not great for you. Your little ones are the most important and he should be around supporting you. Better off out of it if he is usually a prat though. Being a parent is hard enough without the added tentions. Asking you to choose between him and your mum is not acceptable and is a form of control I think. Be careful and put you and your babies first. Good luck.

dogmandu · 20/03/2023 04:09

Mari9999 · 19/03/2023 21:51

OP, you have 2 children for whom you havYoue to be responsible. Your partner sounds like a bit of a jerk, but if he is working 12 hours a day for 6 days a week, it makes some sense that he might in fact need some unwind time.

You both sound a bit like children playing house rather than adults who are mindful of what parenting actually involves.

You need to come to terms with how you will manage life as a single mom of 2 children. You may no longer have the luxury of being a SAHP. You should file for CM and being to make plans for housing for you and your 2 children. You focus must shift from life without him to providing an adequate life for your 2 children.

Maybe he will grow up , and maybe not. The upside is that he is obviously not adverse to hard work , so he should be able to provide his share of support for your 2 children. That means that you have only to focus on supporting yourself and providing your share of support for the children.

It is likely that you will be able to rely on him for CM but little else. Your life will change, but that is a part of growing up and choosing to be a parent. Fortunately for you, you have some support from your mom, but that is not a resource that you should wear out.

Just put on your adult pants and realize that the world is filled with single moms who are managing life for themselves and their kids. You too can manage , and maybe along the way you will both be forced to grow up a bit more.

Great post. Hits the nail on the head.

dogmandu · 20/03/2023 04:10

if that is the case he should have made sure there were no pregnancies)

NO, she should!

dogmandu · 20/03/2023 04:20

Canthave2manycats · 19/03/2023 22:08

@Mari9999 I can't actually believe you just posted this -

OP, you have 2 children for whom you havYoue to be responsible. Your partner sounds like a bit of a jerk, but if he is working 12 hours a day for 6 days a week, it makes some sense that he might in fact need some unwind time.

Maybe he shouldn't have had children then.

Maybe he shouldn't have had children then.

or she, right? She at the end of the day has the final say in allowing herself into a situation whereby pregnancy could occur.

Mari 9999 post is totally realistic.

dogmandu · 20/03/2023 04:52

And, again, yes, I realize the men in that position are at fault, they could have - and should have - taken steps to prevent this.

So should she.

ittakes2 · 20/03/2023 05:57

I am sorry I think you are so used to his poor behaviour you think its accceptable and 'normal'. Its not.
If you are thinking of leaving him now is a good time - you are at your mums and the kids are quite young and will adapt. Its harder I think when they are older.

Ladyofthesea · 20/03/2023 06:03

I'm not going to sugarcoat my opinion: you're not a good mum if you go back to raise your children in an abusive household with him where you/they get kicked out of regularly (even once is too often). A good mum puts her kids wellbeing and mental health first. You need to create stability in their lives. That means you need to get your own home and income. It might take you a while to do that but that doesn't matter, just do it.

Or fuck up your childrens childhoods and give them mental health problems. Those are your choices.

Do the right thing. Millions of women do, you can do it too.

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 06:03

I’ll take a punt OP that your father was not dissimilar to your partner in terms of how he treated your mother.

and so the cycle will continue with your children and then your grandchildren….

unless YOU make the change. But I suspect, you won’t

BentleyRhythmAce · 20/03/2023 06:12

Pixiedust1234 · 19/03/2023 20:05

Hes working hard for himself. He's converting his flat for himself. Nothing is for you and you are not eligible for anything if you split. The flat is his. The rental will be his. Both garages are his.

What do you have? No home. No work. No money. Unable to do anything because you have two young children. He gives you no security because he kicks you out of his home. He gives you no freedom by looking after his own children.

Open your eyes and run the fuck away.

I wish this was taught in schools, especially to girls. You have no money, no property, no job. You've sleepwalked into a situation where you are completely dependent on a man who has turned out to be abusive. He can kick you out and you have no redress.

BlueHeelers · 20/03/2023 06:21

I have been with him since a teenager and I have 2 children with him. I don’t work and my life would totally change if we actually broke up.

So you have no skills and no qualifications except knowing how to - sometimes - placate an abusive man. You really need to get over your “love” for him. It’s not love it’s a weak sort of dependency. This is no way to bring up children.

BlueHeelers · 20/03/2023 06:24

But like I say, it almost feels like I can’t live without him and I don’t know how to make that feeling go away.

You grit your teeth and you get through it. You grow a backbone. You grow the fuck up. You deal with the pain like an adult not a teenager.

Wallywobbles · 20/03/2023 06:25

Ok. So you must be aware this is bad for you and a terrible example to set your kids.

You are not married so you can't afford to continue being a SAHM. He gives your family no stability. That is not ok.

So now is the time to take steps to break your dependency.

Do the online freedom program. Get the book or audiobook of why does he do that by Lundy. Do any and every course you can to build yourself up and work on boundaries. Your self respect is very low.

Get counseling if possible.

Work on a 12 month plan, a 5 year plan.

If you get stuck imagine you are doing the plans for someone else.

Would it be suitable to continue living with your mum in the longer term?

Billybagpuss · 20/03/2023 06:40

I hope you can find the strength to leave @Rachell1 there is some great advice here already. Take baby steps, start to get organised. 💐

Codlingmoths · 20/03/2023 06:47

Please god he stays away this time long enough for you to realise how awful he is and how bad for you it is to be in a relationship with you. Him being tired from work is not an excuse, he chooses to put his energy into work not his family (who it sounds like he does NOTHING for). Him
being tired/stressed from renovations is not an excuse again he chose that, and he obviously didn’t choose it for you and his family as he’s asked for his keys back! He does nothing that’s not for him. Register the baby without him with your surname. I’m so glad you have a supportive mum. call cms and open a child support request. I know your life will get better and better without him and your babies will flourish. Whenever you feel guilty that he barely has a relationship with such wonderful children, remember that he chose it. He threw them away. He couldn’t even be bothered to give the baby a little cuddle. He thought his half of the parenting was your mums job as he didn’t want to. Don’t spend even a second feeling bad for him. (I’m assuming you’re not married so can’t claim half the house)

Quartz2208 · 20/03/2023 06:51

When you say long lease you mean he owns it as a flat as he must in order to do work? But you don’t

he is abusive and this is awful for your children. They don’t see there Dad much, their living arrangements are unpredictable given the amount of times he has thrown you out and their day seems to be dictated by making sure his house is spotless and dinner is ready. And what happens when they get older? They will either copy him and makes demands or push against him or both.

At the moment his needs appear to be at the centre. Put your childrens there and leave him

Butterfly44 · 20/03/2023 06:57

Sorry....he's chucked you out before for not doing dinner or cleaning?
Wow. He really has a hold over on you. You are his servant. Not a partner.
He'll do it again. You'll be on eggshells. That's no life, and unfair of you to bring up your kids in that environment.
I know this is all you've known....which means you haven't experienced someone actually doing things for you, supporting you, being like you're amazing mum.
Role reverse with mum for a moment. What would you say to your own daughter if this happened to her?

I'd take this and break up permanently. You'll find a way and make it work. And you'll look back when you're with someone who adores you all and be thankful you did!

N0tfinished · 20/03/2023 07:10

Pixiedust1234 · 19/03/2023 20:05

Hes working hard for himself. He's converting his flat for himself. Nothing is for you and you are not eligible for anything if you split. The flat is his. The rental will be his. Both garages are his.

What do you have? No home. No work. No money. Unable to do anything because you have two young children. He gives you no security because he kicks you out of his home. He gives you no freedom by looking after his own children.

Open your eyes and run the fuck away.

Wise words. Open your eyes! You sound like an intelligent woman. Would you like a friend to live like this?

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/03/2023 07:12

All these sassy replies,it’s easy to type and recommend be decisive,etc.when it’s not your own life
if women escaping and unraveling abuse was as easy as a following blunt instruction then that’d be the strategy
But hey. It’s complicated. Abuse it’s pervasive,impacting personality,decision making,finances,self esteem, confidence.
Research tell us Most women don’t leave 1st time a man abuses them. That doesn’t mean people should sneer or post ugh! Another woman who won’t leave etc
@Rachell1 does need to leave, and she needs the self belief and support to do so. Maybe she will go now,maybe in the future when she feels able. I’d hope other women would be able to understand the issues,emotions and situational factors of how abuse impacts.
Let’s stop berating her for having 2 children.
Direct your ire at the man who deserves it

IVbumble · 20/03/2023 07:17

If you stay with him your DC will grow up learning to treat women like he does.

You do have the power to leave him behind & break the chain so that your DC grow up loving themselves for who they are.

Number one priority after looking after your DC & mum today is to do the freedom programme which is the first step in learning to love yourself.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php