Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

He’s left me and I just had his baby

255 replies

Rachell1 · 19/03/2023 19:30

In need of a major hand hold.

DP had an argument (something over nothing really) with my mum. He said some really unforgivable, disgusting things to her. Totally uncalled for and words I wouldn’t be able to repeat or type on here because it makes me cry every time I think about what he said to her.

I had DS2 nearly 2 weeks ago. I’m breastfeeding and trying to adjust to having a newborn and toddler.

He turned round to me after their argument and said I have to choose either my mum or him and that if I chose mum I would no longer be apart of his life.

Any way, we are having building work done at the flat so I’ve been staying at mums (where she has been helping me with DS1 following c-section). I said it wasn’t practical for me to up and leave and go to his mums house so stayed at my mums.

He then blocked my number, my mums number and has left me.

He also got his mum to text me asking me to drop my set of keys back to our flat and dumped a load of my things on my mums doorstep.

I understand he has a problem with my mum (again, something over nothing and he has massively overreacted). But to leave me on mothers day, block me and kick us out of the flat… I’ve never felt so vulnerable and hurt in my life.

Don’t have anyone to talk to so ranting on here. Apologies.

OP posts:
Nowhereelsetogo90 · 19/03/2023 21:00

This is so sad to read 😢 you have done nothing wrong and you don’t deserve to live your life walking on eggshells. File a maintenance claim tomorrow. Can you stay safe with your Mum for now? As a single Mum you will get support if you want to work/retrain/go to college etc once baby is old enough. Make a life for you and your two kids, you are capable and strong and you’ve got this 💪 I’ve been with a man like your DP and I know how much it hurts when your self esteem is in the toilet and you can’t see a way out but it WILL get better.

SofaSpuds · 19/03/2023 21:01

This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house (him not liking what i’ve cooked for dinner, house not being spotless etc), but I love him and I don’t know how to stop.

My first thought here was.... like a dragon in the den, I'm out!
WTAF??? You have a 4 day old baby and he prioritises football?? Jesus Christ, get out before you have any more kids with this piece of shit.

Sorchamarie · 19/03/2023 21:01

I don't want to put the boot in, but would you honestly want your children to end up in a relationship like yours, OP? What you've described is not just an imperfect relationship, it's an incredibly unhealthy one, and this is what is being modelled to them as normal. I echo all the others who have said please, for their sake, get away from this man. You absolutely can live without him. Your precious children can provide you with all the reasons you need to keep going until you get out of the fog of abuse you're currently operating under.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
PonyPatter44 · 19/03/2023 21:01

I bet your mum has bitten her tongue so many times, seeing her daughter being repeatedly abused by this pathetic little "man".

Don't go back, OP. He is an inadequate abusive arsehole and he will abuse your children too, either directly by harming them, or indirectly by harming you in front of them. You all deserve better than this.

Untitledsquatboulder · 19/03/2023 21:01

Christ on a bike@Rachell1 he's really donea number on you.

You have 3 choices:

  1. Leave now
  2. Leave later
  3. Wait for him to finish breaking you and throw you away for good.

For the sake of your children and very much for your own sake I strongly, strongly suggest you take option 1. Stay at your mums, build yourself a life, reclaim your self esteem.

Im99912 · 19/03/2023 21:03

Well if you go back now in 10 , 15, 20 years time you will be back on here posting that he has kicked you out but only this time you have no where to go, no assets and probably no job or pension because everything is his and he is well aware of that and probably a few more kids

You have a decent shot at freedom right now
grab it while you have parents who are willing to support you and your kids as you may not have that support in the future

canfor · 19/03/2023 21:04

So picture your life in a few years time. Your children have learnt to tiptoe around him, just like you, to keep him happy so he won't flounce off for 3-4 days. Is this what you want for them? Frequently rejected and having to moderate their behaviour to maintain a stable home?

Get out now OP for your kids sake. Put your effort into building a good co parenting relationship where you aren't at his whims over the dinner being right or your mum reasonably asking for a break.

This should be one of the best times of your life, having a new baby is amazing - and I get that it's stressful too for both parents, but so much more so when one is prioritising themselves...football?! The experience of being a new parent happens at most a few times in a life, some don't even get that privilege...football matches happen all the time. He has shown you what his priorities are and you and the kids are further down the list.

bitingthedust · 19/03/2023 21:04

In a few years your kids are going to be getting kicked out with you? You need your own home and security. He totally takes you for granted. This is a cycle for him to piss off and do as he pleases for a few days. His mum should be giving him ultimatums. If my lads were doing that to a women I would take in my grandkids and cut him off.

Riverlee · 19/03/2023 21:05

“This is one of countless occasions i’ve been kicked out of the house”

I haven’t read the rest of the thread but I do know that this abusive. I don’t know what hold he has over you, but time to put yourself and family first. Not often I say this, but LTB.

RobinRobinMouse · 19/03/2023 21:08

He has made it easier for you to leave as you and your children are already in a safe place away from him. It won't be easy, but you can do it and you and your children do deserve better. A man who makes you homeless over his dinner is worth no love. Indeed he clearly has no love in him if he can do such a thing. Good thing he works as he will be able to pay for his children at least.

JennyForeigner · 19/03/2023 21:10

God, I don't know what to say except karma is an absolute bitch and I hope it fucks him up royally. What a dick.

Your mum sounds great. His mum and dad sound like pathetic enablers who should take some responsibility for their son's behaviour. You can and have to do better for your babies, and you absolutely can. Break the cycle and don't you dream of forgiving him.

NotTerfNorCis · 19/03/2023 21:13

Wow, until you mentioned him running two garages I assumed he must be really young! That is not how a stable, responsible adult should behave.

MagnificentDelurker · 19/03/2023 21:17

Please use this opportunity to cut him out. Take strength from the love you have for your kids. It will get harder by the day to leave if you don’t do it now.

Cherish your mum, he has no right to ask you to cut your mum out of your life.

Zone2NorthLondon · 19/03/2023 21:18

You need to leave him,you have no power,he’s dominant and he’s kicked you out before
Time to prioritise yourself,the two children,your wellbeing. You will be ok and you deserve so much more
He is a overbearing bully who has kicked you out,now and before and he’ll d9 it again and again
It’s scary because you’re vulnerable and just had a baby, recovering from a CS.
Get a lawyer, make him pay maintenance and best of luck

ilovewispas · 19/03/2023 21:18

Leave him now.

If he comes back tell him to go away.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your children. In a few very short years they will be witnessing this and he will be doing it to all three of you.

What you have isn't life and love, it's prison in a flat.

reesewithoutaspoon · 19/03/2023 21:20

You mentioned earlier that you feel like you can't live without him and the feelings won't go away. This doesn't mean those feelings are love.

An abuser makes your whole world about them and your every waking thought is about them, you get lost in it all. Thinking about how you behave so as not to kick him off, what he likes to eat, what he likes to do, how he likes you to dress and behave etc. You no longer think about what you like or want because everything becomes about his wants and needs, so when they arent there you feel lost and confused, Please don't confuse these feelings of upset and disorientation with love. Love doesn't feel like that,

mumofblu · 19/03/2023 21:20

You have been with him from a teenager , I'm guessing you are still quite young when you had your first child .
I agree with what you have written showing you are living with an abuser and his mum enables his behaviour telling you to change your approach and give him time.
Your mum, sounds lovely by the way , had every right to ask the father of your children to step up . His reaction was wrong and because he's a bully and a manipulator he took it to the next level making your mum seem like the unreasonable one .
Can you stay with your mum and become independent of him .
I wish you the best , you have a lot , your mum, your babies .
Become the strong woman you can be .

LilyPark · 19/03/2023 21:21

OP your abuser is behaving in an absolutely vile, evil, despicable, revolting, and cruel way. I cannot imagine what you have experienced in your life to believe that this is any way excusable behavioiur. Please get help to get you and your children away from this out of control and abusive individual.

dogmandu · 19/03/2023 21:21

There are so many posts here saying 'stay with your mum' which would be great and very helpful, but is she OK with this?
You say she was asking for a break so I wonder if the whole situation is too much for her?

Iquitforevermore · 19/03/2023 21:21

'But like I say, it almost feels like I can’t live without him and I don’t know how to make that feeling go away. In fact, if he came round now and said sorry i’d be over the moon because I miss him so much. I’m aware of how little self respect I have and how weak I am but that is just how I feel and I hate it.'

He knows this too which is why he thinks nothing of treating you like a doormat. He knows no matter what he does you'll be there, i wouldnt be surprised if he brags to his mates "oh xxx is a doormat she'll take me back i can do what i want." I have seen very similar behaviour with a friend and her bf, this is what he would do. Even his own parents said afew days as they know he'll be back. Do you really think this little of yourself op that you'll take back somebody that treats you so badly? What ever love you feel should crumble at seeing his true personality. There is just no excuses for this.

PinkSyCo · 19/03/2023 21:22

He has kicked you out before for you not cooking or cleaning well enough. This alone would have been enough for most women to have left this horrible man. I understand that you’ve been with him for a long time and maybe don’t know any better, but this man is emotionally abusing you and wants to ostracise you from your mother so that he can ramp up the abuse. You and your kids deserve better than him and I hope you find the strength to tell this man to go fuck himself. X

thegirlyupnorth · 19/03/2023 21:25

You've already left, you are living at your mums. Stay there, apply for child support and any benefits you might be entitled to and leave this selfish tw@t

Daisybuttercup12345 · 19/03/2023 21:26

Get rid permanently and get every single penny he owes you in maintenance.
You can do so much better this this waste of space.

thecatsmeows · 19/03/2023 21:26

My mother was a stay at home mother, and let my father make every single decision in our family's life until the day he left her for another woman when I was 21. Most of the major decisions were massive mistakes, some of which still affect myself and my two brothers to this day.

I was speaking to my mother recently and we were talking of the first of these decisions, made when I was 9 (we were all in school). I asked my mother why the hell she didn't stop my father, refuse to go along with his stupid idea. She told me that the reason my father 'always got his own way' was because he used to threaten to leave if he didn't....and she didn't want to have to go back to work. She didn't work for 24 years, and only a got a part time job when she was forced to after my father left. So she sacrificed our childhoods kowtowing to my father. He cheated on her the whole of their marriage, the house had to be sold during their divorce, and as they'd only owned it for 5 years there was hardly any equity so her financial settlement was tiny. She went back to our home country and now lives in a tiny housing association flat with just a state pension.

She doesn't understand why myself and my brothers don't appreciate the fact that 'she kept the family together'...no one in their right mind respects a martyr, especially when it turns out their major motivation was their own selfish wants.

Forget this loser of a man and put your children first.

Iquitforevermore · 19/03/2023 21:28

I can almost guarantee he Will beg you to take him back once he realises you have a backbone, and that he'll have to pay out child support, look after his own dcs on his own for part of the week etc. He will be on your doorstep. Do not take him back, it will all be for himself and his own gain.