Have we been unfair?

[ShesHavingAMoment]

Went to a cafe for afternoon tea. Nice surroundings, great service. However, the food was...below expectations.
Dh couldn't get his chosen meal so just had coffee.
Mine was a defrosted scone whacked on a plate with a jar of jam.
Dd misread the menu and thought it was hot chips, but it was crisps on the side of her sandwich. According to her her sandwich was shit and they hadnt drained the tuna properly (she has a technique at home)

Now, up until the 'meal' she was quite happy pootling around with us looking at the animals they have there etc. But got pissed off at her meal so then was in a strop.

So, ds had stayed home. Just finished mocks a week ago, deep in study for 8 weeks time. We said as he wasnt coming wed pick him up a treat on the way home (as dd had a meal...)

Did that. Dd has cracked an absolute hissy fit, has refused to get out of the car (although did come back in for her ipad so can do homework and returned out there) and is refusing to watch football with DH which is their thing, although seems more pissed off with me as I was the one who went into the shop and got sweets for ds. She says she has wasted 2 hours of her life and got nothing out of it!

Have we been unfair? Should we pop to the shops and get dd some sweets?

Dd 13 and ds 16 for reference.

It doesn't sound like much of a Mother's Day for you .

I think you did the right thing getting her sweets. The sandwich was just lunch, which presumably DS had too, I wouldn't class it as a treat.

Yeah you should have got them both sweets. It sounds like a shitty day out for her tbh. If the choices are "go for a day out with your parents and have a tuna sandwich" or "stay home alone and have sweets" I know which one I'm choosing and it just means she's not going to want to spend any time with you.

She refused to get out of the car? I would not put up with that.

Look, i was trying to please everyone and messed up!

OP, you didn't mess up! (A little with the treat but that's minor). Your DC especially DD have been really horrible to you

I apologised and both children have now got sweets.

It's not you who should have apologised!

Look, I don't want to demonise your DC either! Kids can be brats and selfish - it's part of the joys of family life!

But they were all rotten to you in one way or another, but particularly DD, and you've made yourself a bit of a doormat for them in terms of your acquiescence.

Enjoy the evening if you can & I think talk again to them all soon.

Are you mad??

Spending tome with your folks equals a 'shitty day out'? 😳

I thought she was a toddler by the way you described her behaviour. Lunch out in a cafe is definitely a treat, as far as I’m concerned. She got the lunch out, her brother didn’t. No way would she get sweets.

I can’t grasp this op; why are you blaming your husband for your 16 year old son not bothering his arse to get you a gift. Your husband is right. He’s 16. He was reminded and should have done it. It’s your sons fault not your husbands, not remotely your husbands.

you blame his siblings, his father, but don’t attribute any blame to him and even go and buy him sweets and refuse any for the one child who made an effort. You know full well he could come out for a couple of hours and wasn’t studying religiously , you’re just excusing him again, this time for the fact he didn’t even want to come to lunch with you on Mother’s Day

I can see why your daughter kicked off. This must have been the straw that broke the camels back.

Dd has apologised as well now she has calmed down and we have agreed we both need to communicate better.

Have you made your son and your DH apologise for their appalling behaviour, or is it just your DD who is expected to say sorry, even though she's the only one who bought you a gift and who wanted to go out in the first place?

I'd suspect that she was due on for her to strop out over an absence of sweets. Ice cream and strawberries tended to resolve the situation in my experience.

Are you serious? You couldn't spend a couple of pound on getting DD some sweets because she'd had a sandwich (and I know she could've chosen something else)? The poor girl.

You did absolutely nothing wrong!
This is something that we women and mothers try to do - we try to keep the peace and keep everyone happy.
Tbh if that had happened to me, then yes I would have felt bad that my DD was upset!
BUT lunch was only part of the day out and disappointment is something that children need to learn how to cope with,

YABVU in apologising for something which is beyond your control. Just follow your instinct! Your DD was being a stroppy teenager - it's what they do! And this is where parents need to to be parents

It was in her control though. She could've just got DD a packet of sweets same as DS.

Are you strapped for cash OP, if this is the case I think it puts a lot more pressure on things like a sandwich scone out to be perfect?

Walking round a petting farm/garden center place as a teenager. Yeah that's a pretty boring day. I'd rather be home alone, make my own tuna sandwich and get sweets. Even now tbf. If your teenager would rather spend time with you than have the house to themselves you've done pretty well for yourself imo.

Bloody hell, some of these replies are bizarre. Could the op have bought sweets for both kids? Yes, obviously. But her DD isn't a small child. She's a teenager who acted like a brat and refused to get in the car over a packet of sweets.

The meal was shit op, that isn't your fault. It's mother's day, give yourself a break.

So mainly i think shes being a huge brat given she could also have stayed at home if she wanted
Or of she wanted something more treat-y she could have ordered it from the menu but chose a sandwich. So she's in a mood because her food wasn't as nice as she was expecting which is nothing to do with you! I don't understand why she just didn't say at the time if the sandwich was horrible and get something else.

If she'd been normal about it I would have grabbed her some sweets at the same time as you got them for ds just because she'd had a meal while you were out which isn't the same as sweets and for the sake of 50p or whatever why wouldn't you? But I definitely wouldn't reward ger for sweets for being so rude and childish!

Why couldn't they both have sweets?

I don't understand the tallying of treats.
If I'm getting one dc sweets then I'd offer to get them both sweets.
If she'd had a cake earlier, then maybe not, but that would be more about a balanced diet, not about keeping score of treats.

Saying that, no way would I reward that kind of strop.

Poor DD. Got the shitty end of the stick!

I always try to give my DC identical "treats" even if one of them isn't fussed. This minimises the strops and accusations of unfairness in the end.

Next time just get them both sweets fgs!

Perhaps you and your DH should have a nice treat tonight, maybe include the third child who doesn't seem to have got anything?

OP's said the third child was at work, and that DS is the middle child, so they're presumably an adult.

I wouldn't be doing anything particularly pleasant with her selfish arse of a husband.

Her feelings are valid; her behaviour is absolutely not.

She needs to learn that there are ways to express dissatisfaction or disappointment that don’t involve toddler tantrums and spoilt princess brattishness. This should be a teaching moment.

I would absolutely not be making a special trip out to more or less reward a tantrum (and she’s still being bratty now! No madam, absolutely not).

The tallying up of who got sweeties and who didn't sounds like you are dealing wirh toddlers and not teens!

Hormones make teens act like toddlers sometimes. Their brains are not fully developed.