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Original poster

Have we been unfair?

189 replies

ShesHavingAMoment · 19/03/2023 16:18

Went to a cafe for afternoon tea. Nice surroundings, great service. However, the food was...below expectations.
Dh couldn't get his chosen meal so just had coffee.
Mine was a defrosted scone whacked on a plate with a jar of jam.
Dd misread the menu and thought it was hot chips, but it was crisps on the side of her sandwich. According to her her sandwich was shit and they hadnt drained the tuna properly (she has a technique at home)

Now, up until the 'meal' she was quite happy pootling around with us looking at the animals they have there etc. But got pissed off at her meal so then was in a strop.

So, ds had stayed home. Just finished mocks a week ago, deep in study for 8 weeks time. We said as he wasnt coming wed pick him up a treat on the way home (as dd had a meal...)

Did that. Dd has cracked an absolute hissy fit, has refused to get out of the car (although did come back in for her ipad so can do homework and returned out there) and is refusing to watch football with DH which is their thing, although seems more pissed off with me as I was the one who went into the shop and got sweets for ds. She says she has wasted 2 hours of her life and got nothing out of it!

Have we been unfair? Should we pop to the shops and get dd some sweets?

Dd 13 and ds 16 for reference.

OP posts:
WimbourneWasps · 19/03/2023 17:24

As if you got your son sweets after he didn't even come with you or get you anything at all for Mother's Day. Shocking.

Original poster
ShesHavingAMoment · 19/03/2023 17:25

Ds is by far NOT the golden child! He is stuck between two very very difficult siblings and hasnt had it eady. He is finding school incredibly hard, and is barely scraping by to get I to 6th form. I wouldn't take his study time away from him.

I have already acknowledged that the lunch out - which again could have been anything and she CHOSE a sandwich! - I thought if as a treat as we rarely go out, she doesn't have the same opinion, si we clashed. I acknowledged I was wrong, apologised and took her out to choose her bits.

Surely the lesson learned here is discuss calmly - which we did on the drive to the shop, admit when you are wrong, apologise when needed.

OP posts:
WinterMusings · 19/03/2023 17:25

The entire thing is utterly batshit.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds 16 year olds Families
Thefriendlyone · 19/03/2023 17:26

ShesHavingAMoment · 19/03/2023 17:25

Ds is by far NOT the golden child! He is stuck between two very very difficult siblings and hasnt had it eady. He is finding school incredibly hard, and is barely scraping by to get I to 6th form. I wouldn't take his study time away from him.

I have already acknowledged that the lunch out - which again could have been anything and she CHOSE a sandwich! - I thought if as a treat as we rarely go out, she doesn't have the same opinion, si we clashed. I acknowledged I was wrong, apologised and took her out to choose her bits.

Surely the lesson learned here is discuss calmly - which we did on the drive to the shop, admit when you are wrong, apologise when needed.

Yup. Defo golden child

Original poster
ShesHavingAMoment · 19/03/2023 17:27

Ds is also the one I am always getting calls from the school about, his behaviour etc.

I didnt expect anything from anyone for mothers day. I was very touched dd got me the seeds and we have planned a day together doing the garden.

It is impossible to make up a whole family dynamic based on one thread. I admitted at the start I thought I might have been wrong!

OP posts:
Dita73 · 19/03/2023 17:27

She’s a bloody teenager! Tell her to grow up and go and clean her room

GoodChat · 19/03/2023 17:28

@ShesHavingAMoment where's the 3rd child in all of this?

Original poster
ShesHavingAMoment · 19/03/2023 17:29

Eldest is at work.

OP posts:
LookingOldTheseDays · 19/03/2023 17:30

So his siblings are the "difficult" ones, but he isn't? OP - it's really good that you've smoothed it over, but maybe have a little think (not on here, but for yourself) about why your first instinct was to treat one child but not the other.

Just because DD could choose from a menu doesn't change the fact that ultimately, it was still just lunch. Everyone has lunch every day. Your son will have also had lunch, won't he? (Just at home rather than in a cafe.)

amyneedssleep · 19/03/2023 17:32

Your 16 year old son with exams a lifetime away (in his head), who you regularly get calls about his behaviour from the school, 100% wasn't studying, OP.

aloris · 19/03/2023 17:33

She's not wrong: the sandwich was not good. But she's focused on the wrong thing. It was your mother's day and your "afternoon tea" was also underwhelming. When she's older, she'll probably be able to focus on empathising with you over your underwhelming afternoon tea on mother's day, rather than complaining about her own. She got you the seeds as a gift, let's give her a little applause for that and maybe some candy as compensation for the underwhelming sandwich.

Tell her it'll all be square if she'll post her method for draining tuna properly.😄

Ridingfree · 19/03/2023 17:35

I'd have let her choose some sweets but now she's acted like a spoilt brat I'd probably tell her that I would have got her some but now she's been rude no she can't

LlynTegid · 19/03/2023 17:35

The strop should not be deemed acceptable.

I assume your DH and DD are wanting Fulham to win (though unlikely as a dubious penalty will be awarded if there is any chance of Man U losing).

MakeMineADouble81 · 19/03/2023 17:36

MisgenderedSwan · 19/03/2023 16:36

Sandwich and a packet of crisps is not a treat, it's just lunch surely? However I'd be most unimpressed with her behaviour. The treat was the day out. I'd be completely ignoring her bad behaviour and waiting for her to calm down and act like a 13yo instead of a toddler. All over a packet of sweets ffs

This

LondonJax · 19/03/2023 17:38

I wouldn't be impressed by her behaviour at the cafe but she had lunch...as, I assume, her brother did (albeit at home). He's been working hard, she bought the only gift for you. Apart from the strop I'd say sweets all round as she had lunch and they both had to eat.

Daffodil18 · 19/03/2023 17:39

So did DS get to eat lunch at home or was it that or sweets? Even if the sandwich had been good it still doesn’t mean you don’t buy both your children sweets.

I get going out for lunch can be a treat but in a child’s eyes it’s just food. To your DD, DS got a treat and she didn’t even though she spent time with you.

Xrays · 19/03/2023 17:41

Was genuinely expecting you to say dd was about 4 😳😳

I would have just got everyone sweets to be honest as we would never buy a treat for someone without the other. But really shocked at the overreaction over a bad lunch! It happens!

user1472831787890 · 19/03/2023 17:43

I am struggling to understand why your son got a treat for making no effort on Mother's Day. Going out wasn't meant to be a treat for either of then surely, it was for you, to spend time with you on Mother's Day. If I've read correctly his exams are in 8 weeks!? and he couldn't spare a couple of hours.... Exams are important but learning to manage your time effectively and participating in family life is also very important.
If the reason your daughter was upset was because of her brother getting a treat, then I can completely understand where she's coming from. It's not about sweets. It's about the fact she was the only one that made an effort with you today and is now being told that that was her treat. Not to mention that a disappointing cafe sandwich is definitely not a treat!

LookingOldTheseDays · 19/03/2023 17:44

Tbh, the one who's behaved worst is your DH. He couldn't pick something else from the menu and have a nice time of it?

ComeOnYouSummer · 19/03/2023 17:45

It all sounds wanky.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 19/03/2023 17:46

PuddlesPityParty · 19/03/2023 17:01

Well yeah? She’s had a meal out w crisps (which are great and far better than sweets imo xxx) - and lets me honest the whole tuna thing is just her being mardy I doubt you can fuck up a tuna sandwich that much!!!

And the point was she said it was to spend time w her mum not to get something for herself 🤭🤭🤭🤭

Show quote history

They managed to f up a scone, so I bet they can f up a tuna sandwich. It sounds like a really miserable lunch with nobody getting what they wanted or liked - not much of a treat!

I once ordered lunch in the USA & the waitress asked if I'd like chips with it. Trust me, when you're expecting chips, a few crisps on the side of the plate does nothing for you.

HalliwellManor · 19/03/2023 17:49

endoftheworldniteclub · 19/03/2023 17:22

Really? She got her mum a present and spent time with her. What would you call the golden son who did nothing but still had a treat? That is bratty and entitled if anything.

Show quote history

We don't know if he's 'the golden child',that's just an assumption,I based my post on the facts OP stated about how her daughter behaved and tried,and succeeded to make OP feel guilty to get what she wanted.
Me personally I would have brought sweets for everyone in the first place,but il be damned if I'd make another journey to the shops to buy DD some treats if she had behaved the way OPs daughter did.
It just reinforces 'if I make mom feel guilty enough il get what I want'.

Original poster
ShesHavingAMoment · 19/03/2023 17:49

Let's move in shall we? I admitted I was wrong, apologised and rectified my error.

@LookingOldTheseDays yes I am.also annoyed at dh. I did say to him to get some.thing else but he was adamant no. I also mentioned to him that whilst i didnt expect anything, he could have facilitated gifts a little more. He said he had been reminding them all week. Apparently ds said he was getting me chocolate. So I said ok, but now it hasnt happened, you could have a conversation with them about it? He just asked why I was talking to him about it, he had done his part reminding them, and was quite cross at me apparently having a go at him when I said these things are driven by the parent, he argues they aren't 5 or 6 anymore.
Pk they arent, but Tbh I would never leave it to the point dh had nothing on fathers day!

OP posts:
drpet49 · 19/03/2023 17:50

Dacadactyl · 19/03/2023 16:21

No. What do you mean get her sweets? For what? Ruining your mothers day lunch by moaning because she misread the menu?!

She'd be getting sod all from me.

This

sadsack78 · 19/03/2023 17:51

I wouldn't have dared behave like that if my parents took me out for lunch.

When you're all feeling calmer you need to have a word with her about manners and selfishness. It was supposed to be a Mother's Day thing for you. She needs to learn that sometimes a meal out is disappointing, or we don't get given a present we like but we have to be gracious and say thank you because it is the gesture that counts.

Kids mature at different rates but I'd say 13 is plenty old enough to have this chat with her. She needs to understand that sometimes we don't get our way or have a great time but for the sake of others we need to be kind and not ruin a day that was supposed to be for someone else.