When people suddenly/without warning

[JoonT]

A few weeks ago I had a (sort of) argument with a family member. I don’t know how it came up, but someone mentioned dying, and how they’d like to go. I said “I want to go suddenly, just sitting in a chair with a glass wine, and not know anything about it...those close to me know I love them, so there’s no need to say goodbye.” This other family member said “no one dies just like that - it’s almost always slow and horrible” She’s quite a bitter, angry person, who picks arguments, so I let it drop. But people DO go just like that? Don’t they? I mean, sat in front of the TV, or whatever. I must admit I’ve never known it happen. My own experiences of death have all been pretty horrible, and I’ve never known anyone die suddenly, or instantly.

Yep seen 1st hand. Like they were sleeping after finishing tea. Tv still on. Just peaceful at home. Had been fine all day. Then that was it

Yup, I've known/known of a fair few.

A neighbours husband - she'd been out to get the paper, buy him his saturday pie (butter pie off the market stall), came in, he said he'd go for a nap whilst she did her hoovering and get up when she called him for his pie... she reheated it and went up when he didn't wake up and he was gone.

Old boy in the local pub, sat by the fire, reading the paper, would often have a snooze and one day never woke up, eventually someone realised he didn't normally drop the paper on the floor and went to check and found he'd gone.

A friends mum dropped dead in her early 40's playing golf, mid swing, gone before she or her club hit the ground.

I bloody hope I go in my sleep or at least suddenly, hopefully I will - I have severe heart failure so it is quite likely. I will be pissed if I don't finish the post I am writing first though...!

My lovely neighbour died in his sleep next to his beloved wife.
It was after a lovely day out.
A definitely lovely way to die.

His wife said he made a strange noise, that woke her up, she nudged him, and he had gone.

Dear D&G, now both reunited. xx

You’re absolutely right. People die in their sleep. My great aunt was dancing with her husband at a tea dance, then put her head on his shoulder, had a heart attack and died.

I got hyperthermia once and I didn’t even feel cold, just sleepy and confused. I lay down in the snow for a sleep and if my family hadn’t found me and sought medical care I wouldn’t have woken up. Since then I’ve always thought that’s a gentle way to die.

I do think that sudden deaths are easiest on the person who dies and hardest for the family, though.

One of my parents died very suddenly, sitting watching the telly one afternoon. The other died of a very unpleasant illness, lasting a couple of months.

I know someone who cycled to and from work every day, and one day he just dropped down dead at the kerbside. A schoolfriend fell off a horse, hit her head and that was that.

Nobody knows how they are going to go - a blessing really.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think sudden deaths are hardest for the family and easiest for the person who dies.

Yes. Df had an aortic aneurysm, dm had a massive stroke, next door neighbour had a suspected heart attack - and died whilst watching tv with a glass of whiskey in one hand and a pen in the other, she was writing her Xmas cards. Another neighbour drove into a tree, but had had a massive heart attack seconds before doing so and was already gone. Several friends have just died in their sleep. It seems to be about 50:50 between sudden/peaceful and not so peaceful/drawn deaths, that I’ve known of.

That really does sound like living life to the last minute @Lodgeornot

My solicitor went out for a run, came home, started to go upstairs to shower and change. Didn’t make it to the landing. Years ago our neighbour came to help with the Christmas lights. Didn’t make it back up the lane. A friends husband went out into the garden to prune the roses, she took him out a cup of tea but he had collapsed and died.

Found my dad dead in his armchair. He looked like he was dozing - coroner said he would have been totally unaware of what was happening.

My grandad (mother's father) also died in his armchair. My gran had nipped out to put the kettle on and came back to find him dead.

Not the easiest for family but by far the best way to go.

I’ve known quite a few who went very quickly. My paternal gran died napping in her chair, at 90. My maternal gran died in her sleep, at only mid 60’s. My dad was on the sofa, talking to my mum, and then slumped over and was gone. He was only 58.

My mum had major surgery, was recovering well, then 2 weeks later dropped from a post surgery blood clot. She was still in hospital but 2 days from discharge, and was dead within a few minutes. She was also only 58. Relatives were visiting her at the time, and very traumatized.

A coworker died in her sleep in her late 30’s. Her husband had a complete mental breakdown and was very ill for a long time. Sudden deaths are absolutely horrific for those left behind and I would hate to put loved ones through that trauma.

I know a few who have died quickly. Unfortunately most were not a good death even so.

one was a friend in his 30s who had too much to drink on his stag night. I was meant to go to his wedding but went to his funeral. I will never, ever forget his fiancées face.

A friend of mine at school (we were 15) had an older dad in his early 60s. It wasn’t long before Christmas, they’d been out shopping, just her and her parents. Driving home he had a heart attack at the wheel and, awfully, a lorry was coming the other way. They all died in the crash.

Another family I know with two young children and again an older dad in his 60s (the children were 6 and 8) and he died of a massive stroke in front of them. He will have known nothing about it but the children were incredibly traumatised and needed a lot of support.

the only other one is the husband of a woman in my writing group, both in their 70s. He died in his sleep and she woke the next morning to find him beside her. She wrote a beautiful piece which she shared with us about the pain and the love, it was effectively a eulogy. Very clear that she knew it was peaceful for him but it was anything but for her.

I would like to die in my sleep - preferably a bit older than I am now - but I can’t help but not wish that on my lovely husband all the same.

Yes, the age and stage at which people go really matters here.

93 and dies in armchair = nice way to go, even if a bit of a shock for rellies on the day.
33 and dies in armchair = horrific for relatives.

My dad died in his sleep, he was only 58, he been to the pub as he did most evenings for his couple of pints, went to bed and never woke up, it was such a shock for everyone, I was only sixteen at the time, never got to say goodbye.

I think I'd like to be eating cake when I gobut not for a very long time hopefully

My aunt died like that, except it was a cup of tea rather than a glass of wine. Surrounded by loving family, aged 86 and still active. It's a bloody good way to die!

I too have known many people who were getting on with life then suddenly had heart failure or stroke and died. My gf died while out shopping, he’d collected a bag of plants from the market in his shopping trolley. When my parents got to his house later he’d done all his house work, washing and mowed the lawn that day and not a weed in sight in his garden . He was 87 and probably was well chuffed he’d completed his chores and treated himself to some new plants

i have also known a lot of people with cancer who have not had long painful illness despite that diagnosis, including 3 close to me. These are people who were quite well, then felt a bit odd or had odd symptoms, then got a diagnosis of terminal cancer with “a few months “ life expectancy but then stayed wellish and reasonable quality of life until going downhill very fast over a matter of a week or 2 and then dying. Cancer doesn’t always mean a very long l difficult death, particularly for cancers that effect the more elderly more like pancreatic, where symptoms go unnoticed by the sufferers for months. I wasn’t really aware of that until it happened to people I knew . My own DM died within 2 weeks of lymphoma being found with no pain Or major indicators of being seriously unwell before that.

I would suggest your friend has been affected by deaths she’s known - fear does make people very negative.

I think it depends on age. I didn't expect my husband who was 59 to die. I went to bed after a lovely day out. I left him asleep on the sofa. When I got up in the morning I really didn't expect him to be dead

My great man was 99. She just went to bed one night as normal and never woke up.

Multiple members of my family have died fairly instantly

my great gran was playing pool and collapsed on the table in the pub, her husband collapsed in the street in his 90s a years earlier

my grandad had minor known health problems then collapsed walking upstairs unexpectedly

my other grandad didn’t die instantly but he didn’t wake up after falling asleep saying he had a chest infection and going to bed earlier. He passed away a few days later and never regained consciousness, no suffering

In fact only my nan knew her death was imminent after a spell with cancer

Yes. My Dad died of an aortic aneurysm - just dropped dead whilst walking to the kitchen one morning without warning.

Another friend's husband (only 40) died in his chair whilst she was making tea. I think it was some kind of clot on the brain or something.

Another friend in her 30s was widowed after her young, fit husband dropped dead on the football pitch with his students.

Tbh, it may have been quick and "nice" for the people who died but it was utterly traumatic for the people left behind. A sudden natural death is only a "good" thing imo if you are very old and your loved ones are kind of expecting it to happen sooner rather than later.

Grandad died playing bowls. Apparently linked to asbestosis, ex coal miner.
Massive shock,
One of his sons, another ex miner, died in his chair.

My sister who was in her early 40s died from one moment to the next. For her no trauma and no pain! For us who were with her it was the most traumatic thing that had ever happened to us! I relive it constantly. But she didn't know and that does bring me comfort.

Yes sudden cardiac arrest happens, usually related to a blood clot be that in the heart (heart attack), brain (stroke) or lungs (pulmonary embolism). Make sure family know what you would want ie if I'm 80+ or have any diagnosis causing irreversible cognitive impairment or am bedbound please do not resuscitate me.