Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

I couldn’t leave it with a thumbs up, it would eat at me to let her off with that pissy non apology, I’d reply with…

You can do plenty more than ‘only apologise’, an actual apology though would be a good start rather than a list of reasons why you can’t apologise properly. In addition a ‘thank you’ for helping last time would be appreciated, and contacting me for any other reason than to ask for my unpaid labour would also be novel.
in the meantime though, good luck with your event, maybe when you’re out the other side you could try any (all) of the above

"Dear CF, I am so sorry my back damaged your knife. I can only apologise"

Since you say you are tired I remind you that you offered to pay me for my time and work, so here are my bank details.

The problem is this woman will just move on to other people prepared to help her for nothing.

I would have to respond with something like the following:-

"Thank you for listing all the reasons you couldn't possibly find time or remember to thank me for giving you my unpaid time and labour while you made a ton of money.
YOU ARE A CUNT!
DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN."

Yes. masterful

why you never charged her?!

Oh yes!

"all I can do is apologise, but..."

Yes, I've heard that one before. Typical get-out clause, and with the 'but' attached as well, so they can explain why an apology has not been forthcoming already.

The last person who said that to me was rather taken aback when I said "All right, go on then - apologise".

I would actually add a ”forgetful” there…

Since you say you are tired and forgetful,
I remind you that you offered to pay me for my time and work, so here are my bank details.

but wait....you could pretend you want to help, then just dont show up, when she contacts you just say, sorry, I didnt feel like it, or, sorry I was just sooo comfy on the sofa, or ooops, I forgot
there's a whole lotta payback to be paid back, think of the fun the OP could have!

I would leave it now. If you go back to demand money when it wasn't really agreed then you lose moral highground. I'd simply not reply and let her sweat.

I agree with the above. Your initial response was great; factual and polite. You stated the facts and then told her how it made you feel.

I would use this opportunity to remind her that she had offered to pay you and send the suggestion above. She probably won't, but at least you'll always have a reminder of what she did and never be tempted to think of her as a friend again.

She is a "user". You are not a mug, just a kind, decent person who takes others at their word. Sadly some cannot be trusted to keep their word. Hopefully, next time you are helping someone (else), you'll be thinking in advance - what's in it for me? and there should be something. They may help you in return or pay you, in which case you should agree an amount in writing in advance so this sort of situation can be avoided.

She is a "user". You are not a mug, just a kind, decent person who takes others at their word.

This is so true.

Yes, this. She is an awful friend and you sound like a brilliant friend OP. Your self esteem should be going up not down, realising you are actually a better person than her a million times over.

It would be perfect payback to say you'll help with the vent. then don't turn up. And then you can just tell her how 'you can only apologise but.......list how busy you were and how can she possibly expect you to remember to turn up to her event and help.

I’m so sorry this happened darling, your friend has taken the piss. I would set your hourly rate if you would be willing to do it for cash, tell her what said rate is then see how she responds x

OP, if there's any money in it for you then maybe keep her sweet but make sure you get cash up front for anything....dont lift a finger until you do!!
if not mess her around a bit then bin her off, or just bin her off if you cant be arsed with messing her around.
Meanwhile, focusing on visualizing your new backbone made of steel😎

I would say yes then not turn up but that’s me, fed up with being taken advantage of!

Agree …. And she still hasn’t thanked her !!!!

How about something along he lines of...

Hi I'm really surprised you want to use me again as I had not received anything to say 'thank you' so assuned you were not happy with all the work I did. Unfortunately I'm putting all my volunteer work on hold as I need to earn some money. Do let me know if you hear of any paid work In the meantime would be great to meet for a coffee.

Good luck 👍🏻

Please don’t send a thumbs up emoji.

She will absolutely interpret it as ‘all good’ and assume the non-apology worked - she’s off the hook and you’re no longer upset.

Radio silence sends a far clearer message.

I agree silence is best to her latest response.

"Well all I can do is apologise..." is

1. Implying you are being a bit needy and whiney
2. Not even an actual apology

And then reems of trying to depend her rudeness. No grace whatsoever.

Move along. Next!

Well done OP. I remember when we'd just moved up here about twenty years ago, a local antiques dealer persuaded me to list her smaller items on ebay. I used to go to her house to collect the items, did the adverts, dealt with the on-line queries and the sales, the packaging and posting and follow up queries. I did it for about four months, I think she gave me £40 out of the £500 plus I'd made her, I remember it wasn't even 10%. My husband was furious and said she was abusing my good nature and I had to agree. The world is full of CF's that will use you.

I agree with all the suggestions which say a short “sorry can’t do it this time” or similar. But also have some replies ready for any suggestions from CF. She might say oh just a couple of hours/ I can pick you up. So you need include it in your reply. Eg “ Sorry can’t do it again. I was knackered after the last time. Wiped me out.”

Penguinsaregreat · Yesterday 20:47

I’d go with something like, “Hi so glad the last event was a success for you. Unfortunately I won’t be around to help out this time. Let me know when you are free for a catch up and a coffee though and I’ll meet t up with you then.”

This is a good one but perhaps with the addition of -

Unfortunately I won't be around to help out this time. I seem to have a lot of people asking me to volunteer my time at the moment and it's all getting a bit much, to be honest.