Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

@Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia

I’m an unpaid carer so it’s difficult to get a job

Sounds tough OP. Do ensure you are claiming Carers Allowance and/or Attendance Allowance (go into the Gov.uk website and separately type in carers allowance then attendance allowance to learn more about them plus eligibility. Also check, if you've not done so already, to see what your eligibility for University Credit is on the entitledto.com website.

Again, check on your council's website to see if you are eligible for any discounts - or call them if that's easier. Every bit helps. 🌹

How about this:

Hi, CF - I was really tired after your last event, having basically done all of the work. Having now seen how much money you made from it, I’ve decided to set up my own business along similar lines. So my hard work will be lining my pocket in future, rather than yours.

That's a great message, OP.

Really so sorry for how this person has made you feel @Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia

At this point it's actually hilarious that she is expecting you to be happy to repeat the performance, soooo... I WOULD be so tempted to say YES! Yes of course! Last time went so well, didn't it?
Sadly, at the eleventh hour something might crop up, meaning I wouldn't be able to make it

I mean, actual paid work might crop up? Your CF would understand, wouldn't she?

Excellent reply. I hope she gets back to you and offers to pay you for last time. If she asks how much, please do not under sell yourself. I think bunging you £20 would be totally inappropriate. I think £12 per hour is reasonable.

Just read your updates, OP. Great note - well done for standing strong on this.

At first I thought this was all for charity but as it's not, she's using you as unpaid labour - and to not even get a heartfelt written or verbal thank you from her is unforgiveable.

As others have said, her response to this will tell you everything you need to know.

You can't be serious? If you are and you're suggesting that using the term 'like a slave' is offensive then I'm lost for words.

I'm glad you chose not to stay silent OP, well done. I hope her response is apologetic.

Well done, OP.

Excellent message, OP.

Please let us know how she responds.

Well done OP !

Magnificent in tone and structure - shit sandwich with direct message.

Well done to you.

I hope you feel wonderful for doing that.

Don’t worry about what she comes back with - and don’t get drawn in let her flounder trying to explain herself - don’t get coerced into saying it’s OK.

Just something like I acknowledge your apology.

And if she does agree to pay you, you need to be negotiating the rate you want, not just accepting whatever she thinks!

She's probably going to give you a measly £20 and expect you to be grateful.

Just say no. This woman is all about looking good and furthering her social status while you do the work. These charismatic chances can sniff out victims a miles off.

Be unavailable and spend your spare time being you, try new things, get creative and make new friends. Do anything to get an identity, life and some very firm boundaries.

You are fabulous.

Oh fantastic response.....do it OP. Its very clear and very polite.

That was a good response you sent!

@Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia Good response, well done.

I think your response was really good @Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia, polite, but got your message across. While it's tempting to send a snotty / p.a. response, in real life it's better to be polite.

P.S. I love your username 😊

Excellent response @Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia.

Just wondering, if she does come back with some form of restitution/compensation for your time & effort from the last event, would you be open to working the next event? I'm only asking as you'll need to have a response ready for that (just in case).

You need to be ready to shut down the conversation if you're not open to working (even if it's paid work) her next event.

Wish you sounded more angry in your response.

I would have responded with:

Seriously ?? No.

Last time could couldn't even be bothered to say thank you after working for you, spending my money on petrol.

You have also not contacted me since to have a catch up, and now want another favour.

I only do favours for real friends.

Good response OP! Just so you can prepare yourself, her response is likely to be offended 'how dare you imply I am a bad friend' twaddle. She will try to make you feel guilty. Please gird your loins to make sure you do not!

Good message op.
No one can accuse that of being anything other than rising graciously above the shit. Whilst at the same time being clear, not apologising for anything (quite right too) or going through the motions of suggesting a coffee that will never happen and you both know it.
The doormat has shut the door and no one is wiping their feet anymore.

Whatever she comes back with, keep your dignity, remember your worth and don't apologise or explain away anything.

Have a response up your sleeve, like, 'thank you, that tells me everything I need to know' if she isn't contrite.

Or, 'yes I'm glad you see it that way, but it's still no unless you want to pay me for the last event at a fair price and ditto this one' if she tries to weedle her way back in.