Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

Well done, OP.

Well done op, great response

If she comes back with anything other than an apology I'd use the below that a pp suggested

'thank you, that tells me everything I need to know'

I’d put something like , ‘ I got fuck all last time, not even a thank you so no!!!

That 's an excellent response. Well done.

Is the option of getting a WFH job available?

Actually although I suggested tongue in cheek that you tell her you were setting up on your own - would that be an option for you?

"No thank you. I'm still recovering from the last one.
Best wishes, have fun!"

A good response OP.

please can you let us know how she responds, if you are helping out next week etc.

thanks

if they only contact you when they want something then theyre not really a friend

Well done, OP. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself

Well done OP @Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia that was a good message, you have said exactly how you feel without being rude. You have also set a clear boundary.

Please let us know if this cheeky fucker comes back to you with a response. I do hope she does and it is something like this;

"Im so sorry for appearing rude, I have been under the weather, I have transferred £... to your bank account, lets get together next week for a coffee, I appreciate all your help at last event".

Well done Op for standing up for yourself.

So here’s her response……

’well all I can do is apologise, but…..’

(she then went on to list all the reasons she’s tired and couldn’t possibly be expected to remember to thank me!)

Classic tactic - non apology and spin it so I’m awful and uncaring!
Thanks again, everyone.

Good on you for standing up for yourself. However your response kinda sounds like you'd be willing to work for her again for token pay. Please don't do that. You deserve to be paid properly for your time and effort!

Great response OP!

I too would have struggled with this years ago, and I think your response is bolder than I'd have managed, so seriously well done.

It's tough when you realise that the people around you aren't really 'friends', and that life laundry phase is hard. You will probably feel lonely for a while, but once you've made a space for more balanced relationships, they will turn up. In the meantime, having responses at the ready for when you're put on the spot is really helpful. I hate lying/liars, so just began to say that I'd have to get back to them as I wasn't sure. It was enough to give me time to consider if I actually wanted to do something or not, and got me into the habit of considering my own needs when others wouldn't. Flat out 'No' was just too alien to me, and felt like I was being childish.

To this day I remember my first stranger encounter that I knew was going to be one of those relationships where I swept in and rescued situations. I didn't manage it as well as I'd have liked, but I achieved the required outcome and progressed from there. I have far fewer 'friends' these days, but they are decidedly more balanced.

You should reply again and thank her for her apology and request that she transfer you some money. As I said, a minimum of £12 an hour. That might only be £50. Plus petrol at 50p per mile.

NB there is power in graciously accepting non-apologies!

i think it’s now time for a powerful silence, OP. 😁 Her self-centered reply doesn’t merit a response. Don’t say they you’re sorry she’s tired, etc., that just plays into her excuses.

Well done for asserting your boundaries!

At least you've seen what she's really like now! Time to focus on new friends.

“No I’m afraid I’m not able to help this time, but let me know if you want to catch up for a coffee at some point”.

subtle and non confrontational.

Send her your bank details so she can pass on payment promptly.. Give her a list of reasons you want the money.

hahaha. Did she at least offer to pay you for last time or this time!?

"Thank you for your apology. It actually seems more like a list of reasons why I'm at fault here and you don't really owe me apology, but an attempt at politeness was made so I'll accept that."

Tee hee, that’s even better than silence. 😁

Really well done OP.
Job done I would say.

Well done, OP. You sound like a great friend, so don't let this CF dent your self-confidence.