Should I reply to CF ‘friend’? Feeling worthless

[Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia]

I’m a friendly, enthusiastic, helpful kind of person. Always done volunteer work, care for elderly family and neighbours etc. I’ve very recently had a devastating realisation that ‘friends’ now only ever contact me to ask me to volunteer for their latest money making ventures. I have low self esteem and this latest occurrence really upset me, I feel worthless and don’t know whether or not to reply to this friend’s message.
She organises events and asked me to help with a big one a few weeks ago. I drove over there nice and early, worked so hard all evening (was sweaty and achey afterwards) while she schmoozed and mingled. The event was a great success, she made lots of money and I was happy for her. However she did not pay me a penny, nor even send a thank you message or box of chocolates or any token of appreciation..This baffles me! Anyway, this was a few weeks ago and I feel pretty used, hurt and insignificant. She knows I’m financially in a very tight spot at the moment. She has just messaged me asking if I can help with another event next week and I don’t even want to respond. Please could you wise mumsnetters help me come up with a gracious reply that doesn’t provoke a disagreement as my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t have the strength or confidence to argue with a cf. Thank you very much in advance!

This is the perfect answer. It’s short and neutral yet sends a message.
CFs don’t see reason and they twist your words so the fewer words the better. Then block her.

This is what the thumbs-up emoji was made for.

Well done for patrolling your boundary so astutely OP.

Lucyintheskywithcubiczirconia · Today 13:04

So here’s her response…… ’well all I can do is apologise, but…..’

She's a user. She's trying to make you feel bad, because she's an exploitative skinflint.

Silly woman. Thanking and paying helpers should have been right at the top of her list of priorities. If she had any sense, she'd be asking for your bank details so she could pay you immediately, and would be falling over herself to apologise profusely and being incredibly nice to you in the hope that you might be persuaded to help out again.

Ah well you at least you have clarity on the situation. If she messaged you again in the future I would just ‘forget’ to reply.

This is a brilliant assertive reply.

A perfect reply.

I think that's a good outcome.

But the best outcome would be if you took from this that you are still you underneath - a competent human being capable of (and deserving of) acts of self-protection.

I couldn't quite tell from your op whether there were other friends who treat you like this - if so, you now know that you can

1. find people who will help you (MNers)
2. assert your boundaries
3. Feel ok about doing so

Onwards and upwards OP - your value is not tied to your earning power. Hard to remember this at times in this world but it's true. You can opt out, or be forced out, of the world of work and still be someone who takes action, and who counts.

Your response was great OP - I must have missed that she originally offered to pay you… as did she apparently.

Too busy to remember to thank someone for helping you, at the event that you are both at - what an idiotic response! Looks like she’s ignoring the part about paying you too.

Now’s the time for silence from you imo, you’ve made yourself beautifully clear, no need to acknowledge her rubbish excuses for being rubbish. If she should have the cheek to ask again please please respond with “you haven’t paid me for last time yet”

That's shameless. But we knew that about her anyway.

As you say, it's not an apology. And she's made the whole thing about her again.

Sadly, she's not your friend. At least you know now.

Too tired to remember to thank you, but not to tired to remember to ask you to help the next time . . . 🤔

She sounds a right bitch, good for you sticking up for yourself and setting boundaries!

Superb!

I had this before OP. Helped someone at an event that they made money from. I was extremely busy at the time and made a real effort to free up a Saturday to help her. Didn’t hear from her for weeks until she sent me a quick thank you attached to an invite for another event she was putting on, with the price it would cost me to attend it!

I cut contact!

This is a version of the technique is known as DARVO in the abusers handbook - Defend, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender.

These people have the hides of rhinos and it’s on people with boundaries to call them out as they have none and feel entitled to take, take, take. She likely groomed and flattered you (manipulation) to get her way (exploitation).

You now objectively know who she is with that response. I hope it gives you confidence to shift gear and feel strong in the future with other CFs.

Enjoy your achievement.

Yeah. Your friend is a cunt.

That would wind me up so much I would reply -

Genuine apologies don't come with a "but", they come with sincerity and an attempt to fix the issue such as putting your money where you mouth is. You have a brass neck/some front asking me to work again knowing you never paid me for the last event or even offering to fix that.

@survey99

You are correct but I think with this type of character the best reply is a thumbs up or just total silence.
They will never admit to being wrong.

This is a good idea OP. It is what I would do anyway!

I’d go silent now. If you’re asked again, I’d replay her words, mirroring them as much as possible. Eg how you’re busy and tired and cannot possibly be expected to help out.

Her response tells you all you need to know.

I really hate the phrase "I can only apologise", as if there's something stopping them from trying to rectify things. No, you can apologise and do something to put it right.

Well done OP! The friendship is over. So I’d be tempted to reply with something like

“No, the least you could do is thank people when they put themselves out for you. Especially when they’ve worked bloody hard all day, and you haven’t offered any money/compensation at all! I am certainly not interested in providing free labour for you anymore. Enjoy your event 👍🏻“

I am a massive fan of the passive aggressive thumbs up emoji. Haha

Do it do it op. It's such a jolly fuck you