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Original poster

Please talk me out of getting rid of my lodger-I can't afford it can I?

187 replies

midlander79 · 13/03/2023 15:15

A month or so ago I told my lodger to start looking elsewhere as our arrangement wasn't working. He did but hasn't found anywhere. He is totally the type to give up and hope I'll sort of forget about it. I was about to write formal notice (although I am not a totally horrible person and will give him more than the statutory seven days) and then I was made redundant.

I have about £3K in savings. I have applied for JSA. Not entitled to UC. Earn about £100 a month from freelance work. I am quite employable and am sure I will find work soon-but I haven't been actively looking because some of the people from my old work are making noises about setting up on our own and I'd much rather do that, but I don't know what is happening with that yet.

I've also some life struggles involving family and other things th.at are really hard to work through-with that and work my head is all over the place.
I really really REALLY want him out. I want my space back.
He drives me insane as he doesn't DO anything! Just hangs about the house all day-only goes out to the supermarket and jobcentre a couple of times per week. He's incredibly nosy about everything I do, interjects on conversations I have with visitors or on the phone, and constantly nitpicks at me for any slight misdemeanor.
I probably sound unhinged-I've wanted him out for a long time but talked myself out of it due to feeling it isn't fair on him and other reasons (cost of living/bills etc)... it'd be financially idiotic to get rid of him now, now I have no income, wouldn't it?

OP posts:
CatherineofAragons · 28/06/2023 09:04

I would give him formal notice today and tell him you’re advertising for another lodger . He will be forced to move if you have someone else coming in. That will also sort your financial situation. He sounds very very strange and is massively over stepping the boundaries as a tenant. He sounds really creepy.

sodthesodoff · 28/06/2023 09:36

CatherineofAragons · 28/06/2023 09:04

I would give him formal notice today and tell him you’re advertising for another lodger . He will be forced to move if you have someone else coming in. That will also sort your financial situation. He sounds very very strange and is massively over stepping the boundaries as a tenant. He sounds really creepy.

Classic case of someone not bothering to read the whole thread. If that's too much trouble at least read the ops posts

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/06/2023 18:26

Oh no, the cancel the chequers have arrived again! Grin

Original poster
midlander79 · 24/07/2023 14:28

'Cancel the Chequers' Grin I remember that thread.

Still so happy he isn't here.

He's messaged me once a week or so since complaining about it being expensive living alone and asking for explanations-once he said 'Did I kill you with kindness?'

He has absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever. People close to me who are aware, and a couple of people I PMd with my 'essay' about him have said it was a bullying situation on his part. I am inclined to agree-it does feel a bit like I've escaped an abusive relationship!

OP posts:
tootallfortheshelf · 24/07/2023 14:33

OMG😱
Well done forgetting rid of that limpet!

icelolly12 · 24/07/2023 14:46

The next lodger you get make sure they at least have a job!

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 24/07/2023 14:50

Why have you not blocked him?

PinkFootstool · 24/07/2023 14:53

Christ, just block him!

Actually, message him telling him not to contact you anymore, then block him.

This man will clearly continue to harass you, so get the warning out to him now that you do not wish to be in contact with him any more. If he continues to harass you, go to the police.

Original poster
midlander79 · 24/07/2023 14:53

Most definitely I want one that works and has a life, if I get a lodger again!

I knew I'd be so much happier without him but I don't think I realised just HOW happy I'd be!

I am not thinking about another one yet. I mean lodgers are useful in terms of money and home security but I am loving living alone for now.

I've found myself rejoicing at things many people probably take for granted, just things like not being judged for what I am doing/watching/reading/eating/listening to! I can get up/go to bed as early or late as I like without inviting comments.

I can wear what I want now without him commenting on it, he did that all the time! I don't get a running commentary about what I am talking about on the 'phone or to anyone who visits, I don't get harangued about any behaviour! I am a single woman (on paper at least) and this is all 'Normal' but wasn't my normal when he was here.

OP posts:
Original poster
midlander79 · 24/07/2023 14:54

I've blocked him twice in the past, both times when I was away somewhere and got constant negative messages 'telling me off' about various things. All that happens is he gets more angry and emails me instead.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 24/07/2023 14:59

midlander79 · 24/07/2023 14:54

I've blocked him twice in the past, both times when I was away somewhere and got constant negative messages 'telling me off' about various things. All that happens is he gets more angry and emails me instead.

Get his emails redirected from your Inbox into your spam folder and either regularly empty your spam folder or set up your options so that your spam auto deletes at regular periods. Thank goodness you finally got rid of him!! 🌹

Boomboom22 · 24/07/2023 15:46

Just to point out in normal relationship eg marriage you can do all those things. Lodger was something else, like an extreme coercive control abusive relationship.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/07/2023 16:37

midlander79 · 24/07/2023 14:28

'Cancel the Chequers' Grin I remember that thread.

Still so happy he isn't here.

He's messaged me once a week or so since complaining about it being expensive living alone and asking for explanations-once he said 'Did I kill you with kindness?'

He has absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever. People close to me who are aware, and a couple of people I PMd with my 'essay' about him have said it was a bullying situation on his part. I am inclined to agree-it does feel a bit like I've escaped an abusive relationship!

What a freak he is. So glad you're out of that situation.

Tell him to stop harassing you, and block.

Enjoy your home!

Escapingafter50years · 24/07/2023 17:02

midlander79 · 24/07/2023 14:54

I've blocked him twice in the past, both times when I was away somewhere and got constant negative messages 'telling me off' about various things. All that happens is he gets more angry and emails me instead.

I think you need to be firmer with him which I think you may find difficult (why would you unblock him instead of also blocking his emails?!), but it's very important. His behaviour is quite concerning. I would suggest you tell him to stop contacting you. If he disregards that, then it's time for police.

tootallfortheshelf · 24/07/2023 17:34

sounds like he thought he could own & control you!
Was it anything to do with his home culture, was he from a very patriarchal country?

2bazookas · 24/07/2023 17:37

Give him a weeks notice and get shot. You'll feel much better.

Then you can find an employed lodger who is out of the house all day; perhaps one who only wants weekday lodgings and goes home at weekends.

You've learned from this lodger what your needs and boundaries are; the next one will be a better pick.

Original poster
midlander79 · 24/07/2023 18:54

@Boomboom22 definitely true, apologies-I do understand that.

I dont think I can block emails? But the putting them to default to spam is a great idea, thank you

@tootallfortheshelf I am not sure, is Blackburn a patriarchal country? Grin

I think he has a bit of an Oedipus complex if I am very honest. Very attached to his (late) Mother who was apparently 'head of the household' and managed everything. I am not Freud so I am not sure how it came to manifest itself into how he behaved with me, but he was quite obvious about his desires for strong independent women.

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 24/07/2023 23:21

You can block emails, it depends on what what email provider you use. Here's how for some of them https://clean.email/how-to-block-an-email-address

That said, if this situation could progress to a police complaint, it might be better to direct them to spam so you have them as proof.

How to block an email address in Gmail, Yahoo, and Outlook

Learn how to block unwanted emails in Gmail, Yahoo, Outlook, etc. Block any unwelcome sender by setting filters with Clean Email or unsubscribe.

https://clean.email/how-to-block-an-email-address

Chasingsquirrels · 24/07/2023 23:25

Very pleased to read your updates, having seen the thread when you started it.

Original poster
midlander79 · 25/07/2023 09:16

Thank you @Escapingafter50years

Smile It was a bizarre situation for definite.
OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 25/07/2023 09:49

Some random thoughts on the mother obsession. He says he worshipped her, but if he was acting that out with you, it implies he deeply resented her actually being in charge, at least subconsciously, and is weirdly re-enacting that with you, and trying to take some power back. It's fairly out there, and deeply toxic, obviously.

Original poster
midlander79 · 25/07/2023 10:31

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants that makes sense doesn't it. Maybe he feels his inadequacies (socially awkward, unable to run his business effectively, never had a girlfriend) and looks up to women who have their lives together but also resents them for it in comparison to him?

I know his Father ran a successful carpet-making/selling business and left it to him and his brother, his brother semi-retired then fully retired on medical grounds and lodger gave all his money away to spurious people and lost the business and his house. I did feel sorry for him in a way, he isn't the brightest of people but I cannot make excuses for how awful he was-he did himself no favours at all.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 25/07/2023 10:45

That makes sense, yes. I once had a DH who had many mother issues, and he definitely carried it into the relationship with him. Probably still doing this stuff with the current wife, and from bits DD says, sounds like it.
Anyhoo. Whatever the root cause of his many many ishoos, stop feeling sorry for the bugger. Not your circus, not your monkeys!

meringue33 · 26/07/2023 12:07

You are putting a lot of personal details on here which I’d worry about if this man finds out about it. He already has a resentment with you and sounds quite disturbed. I’d take the thread down and like others have said ask for help from the police and friends in real life. Gavin de Becker “Gift of Fear” is really good on when stalking becomes dangerous and how to trust your gut.

tattygrl · 26/07/2023 12:18

meringue33 · 26/07/2023 12:07

You are putting a lot of personal details on here which I’d worry about if this man finds out about it. He already has a resentment with you and sounds quite disturbed. I’d take the thread down and like others have said ask for help from the police and friends in real life. Gavin de Becker “Gift of Fear” is really good on when stalking becomes dangerous and how to trust your gut.

To be honest I agree with this. If I was in your position OP I'd be feeling concerned about my own welfare! He's got a completely warped sense of boundaries (as in, he doesn't seem to recognise that you have any at all), won't stop contacting you when it's clearly inappropriate for him to be doing so, and you've said he's got angry in the past when you've blocked him. I'd be taking this more seriously and alerting authorities, even just to get that papertrail established.