Please talk me out of getting rid of my lodger-I can't afford it can I?

[midlander79]

A month or so ago I told my lodger to start looking elsewhere as our arrangement wasn't working. He did but hasn't found anywhere. He is totally the type to give up and hope I'll sort of forget about it. I was about to write formal notice (although I am not a totally horrible person and will give him more than the statutory seven days) and then I was made redundant.

I have about £3K in savings. I have applied for JSA. Not entitled to UC. Earn about £100 a month from freelance work. I am quite employable and am sure I will find work soon-but I haven't been actively looking because some of the people from my old work are making noises about setting up on our own and I'd much rather do that, but I don't know what is happening with that yet.

I've also some life struggles involving family and other things th.at are really hard to work through-with that and work my head is all over the place.
I really really REALLY want him out. I want my space back.
He drives me insane as he doesn't DO anything! Just hangs about the house all day-only goes out to the supermarket and jobcentre a couple of times per week. He's incredibly nosy about everything I do, interjects on conversations I have with visitors or on the phone, and constantly nitpicks at me for any slight misdemeanor.
I probably sound unhinged-I've wanted him out for a long time but talked myself out of it due to feeling it isn't fair on him and other reasons (cost of living/bills etc)... it'd be financially idiotic to get rid of him now, now I have no income, wouldn't it?

I've only been able to save because of him really, because of the money he pays. With a job I could survive without him, but I'd be unable to save and have to forgo some of the nicer things, have soem financial worries but I'd survive.

I'd have to get rid of him so I had a clear mind to apply for jobs tbh. Good luck op

Do you have an imposing male friend who could be there when you give him notice? . And also when he leaves. Shouldn’t be necessary. But in the circumstances you describe would probably be helpful.

As a safety measure in case I can't get a lift from anybody else for something
You cannot be serious, I'm dumbfounded at this as a reason for him to stay, good god get rid!

@Bananalanacake no he didn't but I thought he'd get one, he said he would look as soon as he moved here, but he now doesn't want to get one. He says he's 'worked all his life' (he ran a business, badly from what I know) and now 'wants a break'.

@scoobydoo1971 I'm healthy generally, I've just had a series of unfortunate things happen. Sexual injury meaning I've needed to be in therapy was one of them which hasn't helped my MH at all for instance. Thank you for the work advice.

It's nice getting some advice from those who've had lodgers before too. I've kept him longer than I should partly due to fear of the unknown, I mean I know he is hygienic, doesn't steal anything, doesn't drink excessively or bring untoward people back-all problems I've heard of happening from those I've known had lodgers, and other people's complaints about lodgers on here!

Some time ago I was changing things in the house and was ordering some paint for a room. He asked if I wanted help with painting and I said no thank you, I wanted to do it myself. He got extremely affronted over that! He sent me a barrage of messages about how I couldn't do it myself and he 'admired my confidence but to please let him do it' and said I'd 'make a right mess everywhere, do it badly or leave it half done'. I did not let him do it, I wanted to do it myself as I quite like painting, and I wanted to be able to look at the room and know I'd done it nicely if that makes sense? But he was so annoyed!

It's this sort of thing that I am now struggling to cope with. He wanted to take me to the supermarket the other day. I said no thank you, my friend was staying here and I would borrow her car (she was asleep after a late shift). He told me I'd not driven for months and wouldn't be safe. I was fine. Things like that just drive me insane-I'm not a child and he's not my dad ffs.

Okay @OnaBegonia -I was just thinking of last minute job interviews/appointments in awkward places and things such as.

@Flowersinmai I may have someone who'd do that for me. I also have a rather scary girlfriend (we don't live together) who can't stand the way he treats me and has had conflict with him before. I'd never usually ask her for help but on one occasion I did because I was unwell and he was just driving me insane-I forget what over now. I will try to remember.

“Fred, we spoke a month ago about the fact that you needed to be looking for a new place to live. I’m not sure what progress you’ve made but my circumstances have changed and therefore I am now formally giving you a months notice to leave. (Hand him written notice - if you wish you could state here that it’s nothing personal, but you are no longer able to accommodate a lodger) If you find alternative accommodation in that time, please let me know as I’d be happy to release you from your contract early. I’d also be happy to give you a reference to confirm that you have paid your rent on time and are tidy about the house!”

Thank you @LucyFox , that is helpful. I dont know if others feel the same but when I am conflicted in my head, or stressed or however It's best put, I struggle to see the woods for the trees sometimes. It makes dealing with everyday situations so much harder for me.

Sorry been busy-just reading through some more of the replies. I am not sure if Air B&B would attract anhone around here. @Trickedbyadoughnut It's a really good point is that-the thought of an interview now isn't great at all, I feel so stifled by him being here.
@TheCountessofFitzdotterel do you mind me asking what made it work/not work for you? I am just thinking about if I looked for another one, what might work better than him. I didn't expect him to be always here nor did I expect him to pay so much attention to me and what I am doing or saying to other people!

Get rid

Then get a new lodger with Better house rules.
You would be better making the bedroom with a single bed and adding small seating area and tv etc, then just saying it’s rent for lodger room, bathroom and kitchen. If you can squeeze in kettle etc even better

And keep your living room as a private space for you.

Yes most definitely. I have two spare rooms. One is small one a lot larger-the larger one is a cellar conversion. This lodger reckons It's 'full of spiders' (it isn't!) and he's terrified of them so he wont' use that one. Not room for seating area in the smaller one.

Op he sounds awful and it's going to take some time to get rid of him anyway!

Are you in an area where you could rent the room easily?
If so get the ball rolling now.

Get adverts out. Then you can manage the new person in when you get a break.

Also, depending on your area, ther weight be demand for just mon-Fri rent, or even just 3 days ie near hospitals. Something like that might suit you more. You can charge slightly less, and still get weekends with free house

I would use this opportunity to ask him to leave straight away, tell him it is no longer viable as you are unable to claim benefits while he is living there.

We have had about 10 over the years, all female.
None of them has ever been untidy in shared spaces or unhygienic.
There was one that was mostly fine apart from smoking and lying about it. There was another whose life was a car crash- she had just got out of an abusive relationship and was basically a decent person but was off the rails. She disappeared once and we had her boss and friends round looking for her, very worried - she turned up in the police cells of a neighbouring town arrested for being drunk and disorderly, with no idea how she had got there. She had no sense of boundaries in a shared house and would give her key to her latest boyfriend so there were strange men letting themselves into our house. And other stuff like loud music, smoking, walking upstairs while eating a sausage roll so she left a trail of crumbs… She was the only one we ever asked to leave and she was very surprised and shocked because she thought if she denied everything we wouldn’t do anything.
Mostly they have been quiet, polite, friendly- just normal civilised people. Some student age, one older than me, but all apart from the one have had appropriate boundaries. In fact one asked me if she could have a friend round for tea like it was a massive favour and I felt bad about not telling her when she moved in that guests were fine.
It is easier for us because they have their own bathroom and fridge but ultimately it still comes down to personality. I think you have too low expectations of how most people behave if you are putting up with this one for fear of getting someone worse.
Have a lodger agreement to outline expectations, don’t ignore red flags when interviewing them and be prepared to say no if they are not who you want.
Btw it is perfectly normal to only take people who are in employment and thus will not be round the house all day. Working hours are one of the things you ask when interviewing. One of mine switched to wfh during the time she was here but we had already established that she was not the sort of person to be in our faces all the time.
We currently have a Ukrainian family under the Homes For Ukraine scheme, which is lovely. Sponsoring a refugee is probably too big a commitment for you under your current circumstances but you might find someone moving on from their sponsor and looking for a room on a lodger basis, since we are coming up to a year since the scheme began.

He is so so weird, he thinks he's your husband. And he's basically behaving as a coercive controlling husband trying to get you to disbelieve in your own abilities.

How dare he sit around watching you, At least Put the TV on.
Sorry its doing that jumping thing makes it impossible to post!!

Thank you @TheCountessofFitzdotterel . That makes a lot of sense. This isn't a large house, but it is pefectly serviceable for two people whose lives gel who get on. He is just too weird!

@Boomboom22 that is what I find odd. He doesn't 'do' anything but just wants to be involved in any little thing I do. I could honestly go on all night about the oddities about him. He doesn't have friends, doesn't go out anywhere, doesn't seem to have any interests or desire to get any, doesn't go to the pub, doesn't go see anyone, doesn't want to do anything different at all! He accused me of getting drunk one night. I'd had two glasses of wine, but there were two bottles in the bin so I 'must have drank two bottles' (one had a smidgen left in it that I'd used to cook with and one was the one I'd drank from but it wasn't full in the first place-and also even if I DID drink two bottles of wine, what's it got to do with him?!

I 'must have' been videocalling my male friend while in the bath (I'm a lesbian which makes that weirder) nope, I'd put him on speaker so as not to have to hold my 'phone in the bath. Again, if I WANTED to call a male friend on video would that be any of his business?

I am 'obsessed' with my girlfriend because I don't do things he wants me to do and he thinks it's her making me do it.

The other day I walked to the shops, because he'd apparently heard a car outside at the same time he decided that a fella who has helped with some work on the house had picked me up as it sounded like his car. This is what I mean about him eavesdropping and forming his own conclusions about things.

The painting thing really did annoy me. He is just a real busybody I think.

How old are you both?

Did he have a job when he came for the lodger interview and you picked him for the room over all the other candidates? If not then why did you ever decide to give him the room?

Does he have family or friends he can go stay with once you’ve given him the boot?

I'm early 40s and he's early 60s. No he didn't as he was relocating. He said he'd look for one once here. I didn't realise he never did anything else though! Or that once here he'd decide he didn't want a job.

No he doesn't. He has made noises about wanting to be back in his home town though. He was renting a house there and could do so again.

You know he's going to be a pain, but rip the plaster off and give him notice. I would have snapped long before now. He's not your dad, but he's behaving like the worst kind of interfering one!

Don't lie about why you are giving him notice, just say it's no longer working for you. If he says anything, like surely the money will be useful as you've lost your job or some such, just tell him it's none of his business and you want him to move out. Stop being a pushover.

Are you sure you're not entitled to UC? You're below the savings threshold so I don't see why not?

This is how my abusive ex carried on. He heard a car going past so they must have been someone I knew. He "heard" my phone ringing so a guy must have been calling me. Blah blah blah. The worrying thing is that my ex is a psycho stalker and that makes me a bit worried that your lodger might turn on you. I'd honestly suggest having a friend or your girlfriend around to be honest.

Honestly get rid of him asap. I imagine you'll find another lodger quickly and anyone else sounds better than him!

I agree with having a friend round when you hand him the formal notice, not because I think he’s likely to be violent but because it will make him less likely to think he can dissuade you. Having a team generally frames you as stronger and more in control.