Please talk me out of getting rid of my lodger-I can't afford it can I?

[midlander79]

A month or so ago I told my lodger to start looking elsewhere as our arrangement wasn't working. He did but hasn't found anywhere. He is totally the type to give up and hope I'll sort of forget about it. I was about to write formal notice (although I am not a totally horrible person and will give him more than the statutory seven days) and then I was made redundant.

I have about £3K in savings. I have applied for JSA. Not entitled to UC. Earn about £100 a month from freelance work. I am quite employable and am sure I will find work soon-but I haven't been actively looking because some of the people from my old work are making noises about setting up on our own and I'd much rather do that, but I don't know what is happening with that yet.

I've also some life struggles involving family and other things th.at are really hard to work through-with that and work my head is all over the place.
I really really REALLY want him out. I want my space back.
He drives me insane as he doesn't DO anything! Just hangs about the house all day-only goes out to the supermarket and jobcentre a couple of times per week. He's incredibly nosy about everything I do, interjects on conversations I have with visitors or on the phone, and constantly nitpicks at me for any slight misdemeanor.
I probably sound unhinged-I've wanted him out for a long time but talked myself out of it due to feeling it isn't fair on him and other reasons (cost of living/bills etc)... it'd be financially idiotic to get rid of him now, now I have no income, wouldn't it?

Force his way!

@meringue33 I'm sorry you've been through similar..if I do get a lodger again in the future I'm definitely going to be more careful.
I don't think the police can get involved unless he causes a disturbance in some way?

@midlander79 I don't want to scare the bejaazers out of you but I think his behaviour is worrying and stalker-ish. He obviously has formed an attachment of sorts to you and can't accept that you don't reciprocate. Not a romantic one but possibly he does see himself as a father-like figure in your life.
You need to develop really clear and cast-iron boundaries at this point. Notice is for x date, I need you to vacate your room by midday, I'd like to know how you are transporting your things and please provide your forwarding address so that I can pass on any post. If he doesn't give you a forwarding address ask him again because it means he doesn't have anywhere and he's ignoring you, and I think you might need some back-up on the day he's leaving. I'm not sure you should handle all this on your own.
I've only read your posts not everyone else's. So do you have a fixed day/date now for him to leave? Because you really need to pin that down and constantly reinforce it. Best of luck.

I'm really sorry to say this and I think it will sound harsh but I feel like you're reacting naively to this, thinking the police can't get involved and therefore there's no point calling them, and that it hadn't occurred to you that he wouldn't leave in June. I say this in an attempt to (gently) shake you out of the fog of being used to this. This is madness! This man is in your home! He's behaving appallingly, worryingly and has absolutely NO RIGHT to do so! You need to really shake yourself out of this and take strong, decisive action, right now.

Of course they can get involved. He's in your house and you want him to leave. If he refuses, call them. You don't have to tolerate him choosing to remain in your home, he doesn't have the right to do that, it's not his home any more.

I'm really worried for her. This is the 3rd time she has given him notice to leave and the 3rd time he's ignored her and exceeded the notice period. She's now extended it another few days, until Friday. So that'll be a 4th time he can ignore her then! For some reason she seems unwilling to do what is going to be necessary, call the police to remove him and change the locks so he can't get back in.

OP I'll have one last go at getting you to see the light. You recognise you're in an abusive relationship with this man: verbal abuse, coercive control, emotional abuse, you recognise his love of having power over you and you feel like the boiling frog. You're turning into someone you don't like or recognise, due to the effects of the abuse. You've got no boundaries (he's eroded them all), you're very passive and you can't tell right from wrong any more. This is also the effects of abuse.

What you don't seem to realise is just how crazy this all is or how unhinged his behaviour is. This man isn't even your friend, never has been and he's never been a romantic partner either, nor are you related to him in any way. So the situation didn't come about through that (which would be more easily understandable but still not ok). Yet he's infiltrated your life to the extent that you're the one living like a lodger whilst he has the run of your home! You're engaging in conversation with him when he's being rude, justifying yourself over and over on every aspect of life, tolerating stalker behaviour and verbal abuse and harassment in your own home, when you should be telling him to STFU and get out of your house and calling police when he doesn't.

He's on benefits, nobody is going to take him on for a rental, that's reality. So he's not ever going to leave unless you make him. Even if he could rent another room, why would he? He's got a whole house here with a free cleaner and no bills to pay and person to get his kicks abusing and all he pays is the room rate. He's not going to willingly give that up.

I agree with @LuluTaylor

Absolutely agree @LuluTaylor . Actually @midlander79 , where do you live roughly as I’m sure someone on here would happily come round to assist in his eviction .

Yes they can. Once you give him notice and change the locks if he tries to re-enter it would be trespassing, the same way if a random stranger off the street tried to get into your home.

Lodger's don't have many rights, unlike a tenant you can just kick them out and that's it.
https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/eviction_of_lodgers_and_other_excluded_occupiers

This man is abusing you. He is being vile and the drip drip drip will wear you out. I'm very worried for your safety as he sounds unhinged, and might retaliate. The sooner he's out the better.

Agree, I'm sure a local mumsnetter, a DH or a DP could be arranged to go round for support.

Did you have any luck with this horrible man on Friday?

Thank you all and I am sorry I've not been back to the thread. I've not abandoned it, I've just been busy and exhausted.

@LuluTaylor you are right. And I copied and pasted that and sent it to my girlfriend who agrees.

I realise that those who've been more than kind and helped me with this will be annoyed but he hasn't gone. I thought I'd sorted it! He agreed to be gone by Friday when I told him. Said he'd stay with his brother.

Only then he hid in his room, seemingly only coming out when I was out or asleep and I didn't know what to do. I knocked on his door twice (two separate occasions) and heard snoring noises, at one point which I am not convinced were genuine. I sent a further message to him stating he should have gone and that I'd be ringing the police and he ignored that too. I think he's going on the logic that I cannot physically manhandle him out, and staying out of my way.

One of my neighbours is a locksmith, I only know this as he has a business van, and I put a note through his door some days ago-he rang me and agreed to change the locks for me, I explained about it having to be when the lodger was out, and he was a bit apprehensive about getting involved but said he'd do it if he was available when this happened. However he was away for the BH weekend. I am also tempted to message his brother on fb and tell him I need him out and ask if he can put him up for a bit, but that might just result in an argument as he'll probably take his (lodger's) side. I have no doubt he's fed him and his wife a load of rubbish about how unreasonable I am and how he does nothing wrong.

He has been provisionally accepted for a property nearby too. But this is on the proviso that the current tenant leaves, and the email he got confirming the provisional acceptance stated that they're to leave by (today) and then the owners need to do some work (It's HA) and this could take another few weeks. I guess that's better than nothing but me having to put up with him for a bit longer. I do think he'll go if that materialises.
Thanks for all your help.
I am feeling a bit better overall regarding other issues and him keeping out of my way has been fantastic to be honest, as I've explained he is usually in my face what feels like 24/7.

You're confusing two unrelated issues.

Yes,it would be financially helpful to have a lodger.

The one you've got is a PITA and needs to leave ASAP.

Good news; you can have your cake and eat it ! (waves fairy godmother wand).

As soon as you turf out the PITA you can get a better lodger. This time, choose one who has a job that takes them out of the house a lot. . Perhaps one who only needs digs for the working week then goes home at weekends?

You've learned a lot from sharing a home with the PITA; put it to good use with the next one. Keep the relationship on a a cooler more businesslike footing; be polite but don't discuss personal issues. Set your boundaries in writing at the outset. Take the new one on a month's probation (for both sides)

You do know you can just ask the local police to attend and remove him? He has no right to be in the building after breaking the deadline to leave.

Stop trying to rearrange his future, calling his brother etc ; his next accommodation is none of your business/ not your problem.

Crikey @midlander79 , just bang on the door and tell him it’s now 3 days past his eviction notice and he’s got 2 hours to get out or you are calling the police . You are allowing this to drag on and he will never leave .

So when you banged on the door and told him you were calling the police why didn't you do that?

@midlander79 why are you so passive?
this man is ruling your house like the owner, you are completely controlled by him.

it feels like you are completely under his spell - why do you need to copy paste (the spot on) advice from a PP to your girlfriend to get it validated?

aren't you angry by how much this man abuses you and by how much he takes from you in terms if your MH, your space, your energy?

I think you need help with this, you have allowed him to ignore 3 notices, I urge you to get help IRL from either the police, your family or friends.

You are allowing this issue to become far, far too complex in your mind (which is understandable, sometimes one can't see the woods for the trees). However, it is really very simple.

This man has no right to be in your home. None at all. He is a lodger who had very few rights to start off with. Since you have given him the appropriate notice, he now has no rights. No more than anyone currently outside your house has. What would you do if some randomer walked.into your house and just sat down? Would you really let them stay? This is no different.

He has ignored you. This does not mean he can stay. It means you now ring the police, explain the situation and ask them to attend to remove him. Job done.

Stop giving him ultimatums that you don't follow through on. Stop talking with him at all. Ring the police. Sit back and relax and enjoy your home.

Omg Get.Him.Out.Now!!!!!

Urgh, at this point love your the cause of your suffering. I'm out.

He is taking advantage of you and not taking you seriously.

Call the local police and get him out of your house. Change the locks.

It really doesn't need to be that difficult - it's your house and you have given him an official notice that he is not respecting. Police can absolutely help.

So you've told him you'll call the police. Now see it through. He's cowering away because he knows he shouldn't be there, not because he's changed. As soon as he realises he's being allowed to stay itll be business as usual if not worse because he knows your talk of being evicted is just talk.

I know it's hard but you're not doing yourself any favours here. Why aren't you taking the advice given, change locks, get help evicting him, police etc? Just because you don't like conflict?

FGS, call the police.

And no, don't contact his brother. It's really not your concern where he goes. This is a business relationship, not a familial one. You've been more than generous with your notice.

The fact that he's got a brother living locally makes this so much easier. It's not as though he's going to be homeless as a result. I agree with the others who say knock on his door and tell him he has two hours to get out.

I'd make sure a friend was with me to a) make sure he didn't take anything he shouldn't and b) that he didn't kick off.