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Original poster

Money - I earn the least but I'm paying the most!

242 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:26

I really hate money stuff!

Both my exH and current OH are high earners. 100k plus probably. I'm earning 20-25k a year, trying to set up my own business as well as my current part time job so I'm trying really hard to increase my income, but it's a slow process.

ExH and I share 2 kids, they are with us 50/50 each. ExH currently pays maintenance but that will stop (should have stopped a while ago as we have been 50/50 for a while now) and he still owes me a relatively large sum of money as part of our financial settlement that is payable when he has been cohabiting with a new partner for 6 months, which he has.

However he is currently claiming that he doesn't have the money to pay for school trips that DS2 has been booked onto for a while. We are now behind in the payments, and although we haven't been chased for money yet, it can't be far off. I am planning to make payments simply to keep up so we don't have a massive lump sum in a few weeks/months time, but it's really unfair that it's come to this, and he's not engaging in a discussion about how to manage it.

OH doesn't pay anything towards the kids, apart from the fact that we each put money into the joint account each month for bills including food, so he does pay for them in that respect, but for presents, clothes etc, that's all me. OH has moved into our house and rents his out which adds to his monthly income, so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. The problem is this has been the status quo for a while so trying to broach it now will be hard, and I don't even know what is fair or what I should try and ask for to try and make it fairer.

I'm just pissed off that I feel that I'm the least well off here and having to take responsibility for it all. I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 17:19

“than the approx. £1800 a month he contributes to the pot??”

Where has 1800 come from?

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 17:20

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 17:19

“than the approx. £1800 a month he contributes to the pot??”

Where has 1800 come from?

She says she puts half her wage into the joint account. That's approx £1700 a month after tax and NI. He puts the same in plus £100 extra.

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 17:21

Wait I'm mathing wrong

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General money
BadNomad · 07/03/2023 17:21

Half of that. £900-ish a month from him.

Clymene · 07/03/2023 17:22

You're focusing entirely on the wrong thing @amiold. And you sound weirdly jealous

JimnJoyce · 07/03/2023 17:23

@amiold its pure assumption on your part.
However I personally think she'd be better off without him and so would her kids. He doesn't seem to want to be involved enough to actually properly take part in family life and doesnt support his fiance earning more by doing more hours. All big red flags which Op doesnt seem to see.

PinkFrogss · 07/03/2023 17:24

Are the trips very expensive E.g skiing? I’ll be honest I can’t understand how you’re struggling with money if you only have the kids half the time so half the childcare, and they can’t be very young so it can’t be nursery costs.

You have no housing costs, and half the bills and food paid.

What are you buying/where is the money actually going?

Although £20k-£25k isn’t a high income, it’s quite high disposable income without housing costs PLUS contributions from partner and ex.

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 17:31

PinkFrogss · 07/03/2023 17:24

Are the trips very expensive E.g skiing? I’ll be honest I can’t understand how you’re struggling with money if you only have the kids half the time so half the childcare, and they can’t be very young so it can’t be nursery costs.

You have no housing costs, and half the bills and food paid.

What are you buying/where is the money actually going?

Although £20k-£25k isn’t a high income, it’s quite high disposable income without housing costs PLUS contributions from partner and ex.

I think OP can manage the trips, but she will have to not save for the DCs whilst she pays. HOWEVER, her original point on the trips was totally valid - why shouldn’t her ex, who earns more and agreed to the trips, pay his share as he did with a prior trip?

He should pay his share, regardless if OP can manage it by herself or not.

PinkFrogss · 07/03/2023 17:33

OPs take home pay from her job is probably about £1,400, so £700 goes into the joint account + £800 from her partner. So that’s £1,500. Then the other £700 from her salary, plus child benefit which is about what £150 a month?

So that’s £2,350 plus child maintenance. Zero housing costs, half the bills and food, half the child related expenses (besides the trips).

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 17:34

He should pay his share, regardless if OP can manage it by herself or not.

You don't think the CM money he gives her that she isn't entitled to is him paying his share? CM from someone on over £100k is not a small amount.

PinkFrogss · 07/03/2023 17:34

I agree ex should be paying at least half the trips, if not more.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/03/2023 17:36

How much rent does he get for his old house? I might be wrong but I thought you said he gets £1,800 (substitute the right figure) and this has been going on for 5 years.
That is £108,000 gross from the rent that he earns whilst he lives rent-free with you. Imagine what that kind of money could do for your children's future.

And its pointless to say but he contributes to bills but your kids live there... He'd have to pay bills wherever he lived and if for example he paid heating bill to heat the house, he'd still need to heat it whether the kids lived there or not. And from what you said they are only there 50% of the time. So if he's going to claim he's paying towards them, you need to take that into account.

I think when people are really tight it is an advance demonstration of what they would be like if you had a real crisis.

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 17:38

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 17:34

He should pay his share, regardless if OP can manage it by herself or not.

You don't think the CM money he gives her that she isn't entitled to is him paying his share? CM from someone on over £100k is not a small amount.

Well, it’s impossible to say (plus she has said that they have moved to 50:50 over time; the CM he is paying may be based on 60:40 or whatever so not the biggest difference, and they may have only very recently got to 50:50)

and he still owes her the financial settlement from the divorce.

Anyway, no point speculating further

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 17:41

Either way, he is giving her money which she should be using to pay for the trips, but instead she's sticking it in a savings account, pleading poverty and complaining about her rich boyfriend not giving her any of his money.

SheilaFentiman · 07/03/2023 17:42

BadNomad · 07/03/2023 17:41

Either way, he is giving her money which she should be using to pay for the trips, but instead she's sticking it in a savings account, pleading poverty and complaining about her rich boyfriend not giving her any of his money.

No point engaging further with you.

Bye.

amiold · 07/03/2023 17:42

@Clymene jealous of what?

@JimnJoyce It's not assumptions bar the childcare from partner part. She has laid out her position. I just don't think she's too badly off and seems a bit entitled

Daffodilsandbeer · 07/03/2023 17:46

I strongly disagree with these responses, it is not her partners fault she’s low income with kids. She doesn’t have a mortgage, I can’t fathom Charging my partner rent when I don’t even have a mortgage.

Clymene · 07/03/2023 17:58

amiold · 07/03/2023 17:42

@Clymene jealous of what?

@JimnJoyce It's not assumptions bar the childcare from partner part. She has laid out her position. I just don't think she's too badly off and seems a bit entitled

Beats me! You appear to think she has the life of Riley though.

amiold · 07/03/2023 18:00

@Clymene I bloody love Mumsnet 😂 you don't even know why I'd be the thing your accusing me of 😂

I don't think she has the life of Riley. But she hasn't got it bad. She thinks everyone should pay for her kids but her. She has £1800 a month. Her family paid for her house. Her partner pays half of her bills plus the child benefit (he pays the tax so I think on his wage it's 100% could be wrong). He ex pays her child maintenance when he shouldn't.

The choice is hers. Put him out and claim universal credit (would she get it?!) or have him stay and let him pay for her kids shipping.

macncheeeesey · 07/03/2023 18:04

I was in a very similar position! Crappy ex and stingy dp! I was always stressed about money and often resentful. It contributed heavily to me getting the ick with dp. He was lovely in many other ways but if I wasn't stressed out with ex about not paying for DD, it would be stressed at dp about not contributing enough . I still felt like a single mum and like I was doing everything alone.
I ended it finally and am better off financially and have more energy and time to work on my business. It was so draining before. Now I make enough to cover the extra clubs, tuition etc. I don't need exes money although he's been paying for the last few months and don't miss dp either!

Tell him the situation - break down the finances. Show him how much you make and the outgoings and ask him to contribute more. He's making £1800 every single month while you're struggling and that's not right.

Clymene · 07/03/2023 18:06

What I meant that she's a woman who was in an abusive marriage and now is living with a cocklodger. But you don't appear to be able to see beyond the fact she doesn't have a mortgage to pay.

JimnJoyce · 07/03/2023 18:13

@amiold why shouldn't her ex pay maintenance? Even if it seems he messes her around picking and choosing.
Child maintenance is supposed to help ensure the children have a similar standard of living when the parents have split as they had when together. The ex is a high earner, Op is not.

pompei8309 · 07/03/2023 18:15

DietCokeAddict19 · 06/03/2023 21:58

No...

It's sadly only in retrospect I can see how bad an idea that was.

Show quote history

Why? I know is been a while but things change, can you not tell him you can’t do it on your own and he needs to contribute more?

amiold · 07/03/2023 18:15

JimnJoyce · 07/03/2023 18:13

@amiold why shouldn't her ex pay maintenance? Even if it seems he messes her around picking and choosing.
Child maintenance is supposed to help ensure the children have a similar standard of living when the parents have split as they had when together. The ex is a high earner, Op is not.

@JimnJoyce

She said he shouldn't be paying but has for some time. He has them 50/50 I think.

amiold · 07/03/2023 18:17

Clymene · 07/03/2023 18:06

What I meant that she's a woman who was in an abusive marriage and now is living with a cocklodger. But you don't appear to be able to see beyond the fact she doesn't have a mortgage to pay.

@Clymene sorry I didn't see the post where she said her husband was abusive, I must've missed it.

I don't think her new partner is a cocklodger to be honest. He pays his way and some. She has her home that will always be hers and he has his. She's only now complaining about the new partner because the ex won't pay for trips for the kids, I'm assuming it's because he pays child maintenance over and above what he should be, but it is a bit crap none of them will pay and the kids miss out.

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