Money - I earn the least but I'm paying the most!

[DietCokeAddict19]

I really hate money stuff!

Both my exH and current OH are high earners. 100k plus probably. I'm earning 20-25k a year, trying to set up my own business as well as my current part time job so I'm trying really hard to increase my income, but it's a slow process.

ExH and I share 2 kids, they are with us 50/50 each. ExH currently pays maintenance but that will stop (should have stopped a while ago as we have been 50/50 for a while now) and he still owes me a relatively large sum of money as part of our financial settlement that is payable when he has been cohabiting with a new partner for 6 months, which he has.

However he is currently claiming that he doesn't have the money to pay for school trips that DS2 has been booked onto for a while. We are now behind in the payments, and although we haven't been chased for money yet, it can't be far off. I am planning to make payments simply to keep up so we don't have a massive lump sum in a few weeks/months time, but it's really unfair that it's come to this, and he's not engaging in a discussion about how to manage it.

OH doesn't pay anything towards the kids, apart from the fact that we each put money into the joint account each month for bills including food, so he does pay for them in that respect, but for presents, clothes etc, that's all me. OH has moved into our house and rents his out which adds to his monthly income, so whilst he is rolling in it and buying all sorts of new stuff, I'm literally making cash envelopes and once the money is gone I have nothing left to spend. The problem is this has been the status quo for a while so trying to broach it now will be hard, and I don't even know what is fair or what I should try and ask for to try and make it fairer.

I'm just pissed off that I feel that I'm the least well off here and having to take responsibility for it all. I'm such a stupidly stubborn and proud person that I feel the answer should be for me to work and earn more, but the fact that they both earn so much more already makes me feel quite disrespected.

@amiold but so what if they are 50/50 the premise of child maintenance remains the same re standard of living. Its obvious the childrens standard of living isnt the same now as there are issues with school trips not being paid. Presumably if op and her ex were still together this would not be an issue

So sad to read thread after thread about women who put up with financially disadvantaged just to be in a relationship.
Why is being single or living apart in a relationship never an option?

Ask partner to move put. Tell him unless he pays you rent he can't stay as you can't afford to support him as you have children who must come first. Get a solicitor to write to your exh to remind him of his financial obligations to you and your children.

@JimnJoyce this is a man who won't pay for a school trip. I imagine this would be an issue if they were together.

There is "plenty" of money here. I don't think the kids need to be losing out and I don't think it's the responsibility of the new partner.

Ironically OP says the ex is awful with money but yet gets a decent amount through her own hands

I was beginning to think I was the only one!

I can’t fathom charging someone for rent I’m not paying

He should surely split the money earned from his house 50/50. About the poster, I don't know. I give my children pocket money and then 'charge' them out of it when they buy things - it makes them responsible for what they buy instead of there being an unlimited pot of money. Maybe this is his thinking?

I also struggle with you charging "rent" on a mortgage free property.

Calculate your running costs and he pays his fifth of whatever they are.

Who pays for holidays?

Are you sure it's not the stress about the school trip clouding your judgment?

The £5 for the poster was crap. Why didn't you mention it then or make a point of saying you'd pay for it not your son?

This is a good way of looking at it.

The money talk is all a red herring imo.

Bottom line, the children deserve better than having their mother inflict a bloke on them, in their own home, who doesn't have their best interests at heart.

Your children are part of the deal. If he's not up for that, then I'd ask him to move out.

Your children will thank you.

What, so he should get to live essentially for free on the back of the OP having paid off her mortgage 😂? Sweet deal.

Either you share finances/assets as a couple or you don't. The OP and her partner don't share finances or assets - why should he profit from her assets (her house) while he also keeps all the profit from his own? Very unbalanced suggestion. You might as well ask why he's not giving her 50% of the profit he's making on his own property.

£1800.

Tbh, none, I'd tell him to leave.

Wow there are a lot of posts to respond to!

Firstly, I don't expect my OH to babysit the children. Ever. I have my life set up so I do all the childcare. He might occasionally offer to do the school run if work allows, but it is never expected. He offers to take one of the kids to a sports thing on the weekend whilst I take another child to something else, but it is never expected he will do it or be around to do it. If he's away or didn't offer to, we would work something else out.

Secondly, the £1800 that is getting talked about as my income, isn't. The £1800 is how much he gets per month by renting his house out, which he is able to do because he currently lives with me.

It's pretty clear that there are 2 camps here - one that says he should be paying something, and some that say why should he and I'm being entitled. I guess it's been worth asking then because I genuinely didn't know what was fair, and it seems there is no consensus on what is fair. However I'm worried about seeming entitled and concerned I'm turning into my mother. She never worked, my dad paid for everything, we had nannies to look after us, and when they got divorced she got half of everything. She lives off her divorce money and still doesn't work. I do not want to be like her. Working is important to me, trying to earn my own money and being financially independent is important to me.

I know that my OH is being accused of being mean with money, but I worry that maybe I am doing the same. I'm so worried that nobody else will pay anything towards my kids when they grow up, because OH won't and their dad is honestly useless with money, that it's going to fall to me. So yes, I'm trying to save, because if I don't then nobody else will and it's important to me to feel that I can provide for them and help them out like my family helped me out. It won't be to anywhere the same scale, but it's important to me. Maybe that makes me mean with money too, I don't know.

My ex is completely ignoring my texts about the school payments, which is unusual as he never buries his head in the sand, so part of me is temped to ask if he is ok, but he is an ex for a reason and I don't want to get dragged into his dramas or get told that he has money issues (again) because then I will feel like a total shit when I ask for the money that he owes me as part of the divorce settlement.

And neither man were big earners when I met them! ExH was a student, and me working part time helped him build his career to what it is now. OH has worked his way up since we met too so is earning much more now than then, and renting his house out is helping his overall wealth too.

I'm also now really worried that he will have some stake on the house if we were to split. My dad had suggested getting a legal contract set up to say that he would have no claim on this house if we were to split, and I would have no claim on his, but he said he didn't want the contract so wouldn't pay the solicitor that would be needed his end to sign something he didn't want to have in the first place. Maybe that was a red flag in itself!

My kids are not my partners kids and there is a significant disparity in salary. Absolutely no way would he as a man earning six figures plus-watch me struggle to send my children on school trips or pay for their activities.

If he moved into your home he entered your family and as a result takes on 'a level' of responsibility. Towards your children and towards supporting you as their parent. Watching you struggle whilst he counts his piles or gold every night is just tight fisted and mean.

I'd do this for a friend or a colleague that was struggling let alone my partner.

Where is the partnership in this situation?

Thank you for this. I think this is probably very true.

Wow he wouldn't sign a contract that he has no claim on your house, despite contributing nothing towards it? Run.

Agree.

It’s a sticky wicket but basically you and your kids are a package deal and part of the reason (I’d hazard) that your earnings have not increased over the years is because you’ve been doing childcare as a single parent and paying for everything without any fall back or financial support to (say) retrain or take any risk at all careerwise.

You're right about the red flag - your dad was dead on and the fact your partner didn’t opt in, if only to offer you some peace of mind, for the sake of what would have been about £250 is nuts.

I wouldn’t worry he’s entitled to a stake at this point but you can’t ask him to increase his contribution to something more equitable (eg division of all household costs except mortgage on a percentage basis determined by your relative incomes) without legal advice and something binding agreed in writing.

Please don’t worry about being “entitled like your mum”. Clearly you’re in no way entitled, and whatever your mum and dad’s arrangement was is not something you need to be paying for emotionally. Wanting some support from your partner (who was aware of your parental status when he got involved with you) is not the same as being entitled. Your view of your mum (whether fair or not) is overly influencing you view to your own detriment.

It’s hard to unpick this kind of knot though, unless you’re prepared to walk away from the relationship if you can’t reach a fairer agreement… I’m sorry 💐

How old are your children? Once they get closer to university age, and assuming they would like to go to uni, I would sit them down and be honest.

Look at what they’ll get as a student loan and lay out their options. Tell them you can contribute x amount, they’re welcome to stay at home etc. Tell ex he needs to discuss similar with them. If he refuses then by then they’ll be old enough to be told and pick this up with him themselves (I’m aware this is not ideal). They are then free to make decisions based on what they think will work best. Live off student loan plus whatever you can contribute, stay at home, move and also get a job, take a gap year to save, etc.

Sorry I’m aware that is a secondary issue to your issue with your partner, just wanted to say a lot of parents aren’t able to top up their children’s student loan. While it’s not great it’s also not the end of the world.

The main thing is that they are fully aware and are able to make decisions using all the information possible.

Your problem is you have picked two selfish freeloading men. The current partner either needs to pay his way or move out so you can claim tax credits and I would raise the issue with your ex about the money he owes you.

@DietCokeAddict19

Did he say why he didn't want to sign the contract? I mean, it sounds as if it would protect him and his properties as well as you and yours so it would be in his interests to do so. If it was strictly being too cheap to pay the solicitor I'd be tempted to pay that myself, just for my peace of mind. But he's either he's too cheap to protect himself AND you or he doesn't want to 'rule out' anything when it comes to your house. So, yes, either way I'd consider it a red flag.

As far as your DP goes, I don't think other posters are saying he should pay 'nothing'. I'm certainly not saying that. But his responsibility should be to pay his share of the household bills based on your budget (as the lower earner) and not a penny more, unless it is an expense that he chooses to incur directly.
By that I mean if he wants filet mignon and your food budget allows for
mince, then he should pay for the filet. If your budget runs to setting the heat to 19 and he wants it at 22, then he should pay the extra.

You know, it seems to me as if there is an awful lot of turmoil within you about this man and his 'ways'. And these aren't issues that are going to disappear. They are part of who he is and will always be there and may get worse with age. I'm not saying he's a bad person, or that you are. I'm saying that perhaps you need to think about whether or not you want to really make your life with someone whom you think (rightly or wrongly) is taking financial advantage of you, is not as involved with your DC as you think he should be, and whom you think is mean with his money.

You say you're 'so worried that nobody else will pay anything towards my kids when they grow up'. This confuses me, who do you think should pay towards your kids? Maybe I misunderstand your meaning, but they are your kids and your responsibility. Obvs if their father is really such a shit that he won't help his own children, then it is going to fall on you. But as I say, maybe I'm misunderstanding what you mean.

@DietCokeAddict19

I would not pay towards your children and don’t think he should have to. Mumsnet will always be in favour of women making themselves financially dependent on men because most women choose that. They are always looking for new boyfriends to “take on their children” and pay for everything.

But what you are doing is not independence. Refusing to collect your divorce settlement because you feel guilty is disgraceful actually. You are disadvantaging your children for your own pride.

Moving this man in, allowing him to cost you money and then allowing that to harm your children is not independence either. Why don’t you up your income?

You seem to despise your mother but she seems like a far better mother than you. She secured a divorce settlement, gained you an inheritance. Your children won’t even be able to afford university at this rate. Maybe you are hoping your parents will pay?

You seem to think you are Bridget Jones or something. No wonder you attract bellends.

You're letting your view of your mum's situation cloud your judgement to the extent that you're disadvantaging your own children. You're also somewhat undervaluing unpaid work, which people often refer to as "women's work". It's unclear from your posts how much work your mum actually did, but running a household, organising childcare, taking on the mental load all have value. It is not only paid work which is valuable. And at the moment you're carrying a double load of paid and unpaid work, I suspect for both your ex (re the children) and your partner (re running and organising the household). They're both profiting from this at your expense.

You need to get what you are owed from your ex and then consider a fair contribution from your partner to the household. If he wants to be part of a family, he needs to contribute to that family. If he wants to live as a single person with no commitments, he should move out. I'm not saying he should pay for your children, but with family life comes responsibilities. That's true for men as well as women.

Ouch

My mother has actually decided not to leave her children any inheritance at all, actually, but that's a whole other thread and you weren't to know that when you wrote your post.

I could ask my ex for the money he owes me, but judging by the face that he can't stump up £10 for some cooking lessons, he is unlikely to magic the sum he owes me out of nowhere. So potentially he has to remortgage the house, or sell it, which impacts my kids in a different way as well.

I'm starting my own business, so I am increasing my income.

I'm trying my best. Sorry if that's not good enough for you.

To think you need to write down a bullet list of the pros and cons of co-habiting for each of you.

It does sound like you and your kids are going to be disadvantaged by you and your partner living together. Personally I would say it's better to live apart east until the kids have gone to uni. You are stronger going, they will get less help whilst he makes a tidy sum.

I don't know why people have been harsh with you. I don't think you are trying to profit from him or expect him to sub your children but you are indirectly subbing him and enabling him to make a fortune. It doesn't sit right.

If you were able to do it it would be better to both rent your homes out so you both get that income and buy/ rent something together but it doesn't look like that's a viable option?

Hi OP. Firstly, don't let randoms on MN stress you out or upset you. People have formed and voiced opinions based on limited information, so if it's useful: use it, if not: forget it.

Your situation is (to me, another random) a bit odd but I do get where you are coming from. Based on a similar situation with a friend, I think the fact you don't have joint DC is what swings it in your favour. My friend had a home, her OH moved in, didn't pay rent (paid bills), they had 2 children and when they split he was entitled to half the equity of the house from when he moved in to when he left. But they was because they had children together so it was regarded as the family home. I think if you don't have children, he cannot make a claim even if he pays rent. And he absolutely SHOULD pay rent because he's a working adult. No one lives for free on someone else's dime. I would use his property's rental income as a fair guide or what he was paying in mortgage.

Regarding shared finances and your OH's attitude to your son, that's a whole different kettle of fish. I have been an SM of 2 for 4 years and I buy them shit all the time. It's my choice, I don't feel pressure to, but I feel like when you choose a partner with kids you should be ultimately making some level of commitment to the children too. My DH and I are very fortunate and are planning how to save for their uni fees and house deposits. DH would NEVER expect this, but if we have all we need I don't see why I wouldn't work towards this if needed. I dunno...there's no expectation for a step parent to pay for children that don't belong to them, but if you can without disadvantaging yourself, why wouldn't you? That feels like a really dodgy red flag to me. Certainly feels like the seed of a bigger issue that may grow.

More than anything if you are a partnership that's worth anything, this should be an easy conversation and he should be invested in resolving it and not protecting his assets.

You also do, seriously, need to pursue your divorce settlement. Yep, will probably get awkward and yes, he may have to sell his home. That's what he agreed to and you need that money. Big girl pants on OP. Good luck. You sound like a good dude.