Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

Candida or thyroid problems is a possibility. Do you know how her bowel movements are? Any other symptoms? Hives, athletes foot anything even seemingly minor?

I think that sounds like an entirely appropriate conversation to have with an 11 year old.

the fact is that if she continues to binge she will get bigger and that will impact on her ability to participate in activities she enjoys.

It sounds as if there is definitely something medical going on from your other information and I would make sure you mention those in combination. I think there are particular types of insulin issues which dont show up in the usual type of testing but off the top of my head I cant remember the full details

In terms of what you said, I think its difficult. I wouldnt say that you fat shamed her actually. I think the tone of what you said is more likely to have done the damage rather than the facts of what you said which means she might continue to be shut off about it. But what sort of parent would you be if you didnt tell her straight what the issues were.

Is she already aware of the problem, hav efriends made comments, does she struggle with clothing etc?

I think for a while you're not going to be able to have that sort of food in the house and that will impact on the rest of the family but it sounds more than just greed or comfort eating to me

It sounds like there is a fair chance she is bulimic but you just haven't seen the evidence of that yet. She certainly has disordered eating. She needs to be seen by an eating disorder specialist asap not just a GP.

Of everything you say, the most troubling is the hiding of stuff. Hiding is because she wants to keep it from you. She wants to keep it from you probably because she is ashamed. She is ashamed because she knows she is doing something she shouldn't be doing that she can't control.

I think pear drops smelling apart from diabetes is associated with ketosis which can happen if people are over zealous about I think Atkins type dieting.

Binge Eating disorder is really complex and needs professional help.

It's not about the food. But once binging starts it's almost impossible to stop without professional support.

Does she have adhd? Very common in adhd because of low dopamine. She may be mentally or physically restricting food and then binging as a reaction to that.

A good resource is the binge Eating Therapist on YouTube. She also does individual therapy.

I actually think that you have handled this correctly. It is a sensitive subject and no matter how its worded it will cause offence but as her parent its your place to educate her on this.

If you don't say anything and let it carry on then you are complicit in it.
Not saying it would get this extreme but look at the case in the news this week about the parents of the obese girl.

Anything she is eating at home, you have bought so you need to either change shopping habits or put the treat food where she can't get to it without permission if she can't regulate her own eating.

Is she OK in herself? Do you think anything could be causing the over eating or is it just something that Has crept up? I'd try and get to the root of it.

I don't think this is fat shaming either. I do think she needs to go to the doctor.

It does sound like there's a lot of unhealthy food/drinks in your home to tempt her (I assume when you say "can of juice" you actually mean sugary fizzy drinks, not juice which is what you squeeze out of a fruit!). What happens if you just don't have them in? Are healthy foods also available to snack on?

Could be a mix of things. I suffer from binge eating but I purge so am underweight but mine started off with the odd extra biscuit and then increased to the point its ridiculous.
If health concerns like diabetes and thyroid are eliminated its possible she has an ED.
I hope you get to the bottom of it.

I definitely think you need to take her to the doctor. The binge eating is a real concern, especially as she is trying to hide it from you. That would concern me more than the weight gain.

It’s definitely something medical OP - whether the health concern is physical or mental. Please take her to the GP

Your daughter most likely has an eating disorder and needs help, not tough talking. That will achieve nothing except to make her feel ashamed and isolated. She knows full well she is getting bigger and doubtless hates it but feels powerless to change her eating habits.
Having an eating disorder is a living hell. It is not greed; it's an illness. However difficult it is for you to witness this, it's a million times worse for her. Taking her to the GP for a chat would be a good idea. Also check out Beat, the eating disorders charity who will have many resources and advice available.

I came on to say just this. I have ADHD and started binge eating at around 12. It has been a lifelong problem because of the dopamine link. Definitely look into it more and yes get a referral to eating disorder clinic. She will thank you later.

Thank you, I was angry when I spoke to her this morning but didn’t shout was just a lot more blunt than I normally am.

She keeps moaning that we need to stop putting her clothes in the tumble dryer as they are getting tight but I told her this morning that it was nothing to do with the tumble dry and that she was getting bigger which meant her clothes no longer fit.

She is very well developed for her age, she has bigger boobs than my two teenagers and has curves but you wouldn’t look at her and think she is above average on weight, she is a ladies size XS/6 or child’s age 12-13 she is also tall for age.

@BobcatDreams interestingly she used to get hives a lot when she was younger.

You didn't fat shame her. You did exactly what I think you should've done and pointed out what she's doing to herself.

I (personally) would've also pointed out that all that snacking costs a lot of money, and it's for everyone, not just her.

I am afraid that this is not the way to go about dealing with someone who has a binge eating disorder. It will just add to her guilt and embarrassment.

She has an eating disorder that needs to be addressed with professionals. I don’t think you ‘shamed’ her but you telling her she’s getting bigger isn’t enough, this is either binge eating disorder or bulimia.

If the doctor rules out all physical causes are you able to afford private therapy? Unfortunately she’s unlikely to be seen by CAMHS

If she had an overactive thyroid she’d not be putting the weight on. I don’t really understand the logic there, am I missing something?

I started binge eating at her age. We had moved house, I had no friends and started being bullied in secondary school. I was miserable and hated myself for it. I did put on a good bit of weight. I also ended up bulimic for years. I think you need to have a serious conversation with her and try find out the root of this behaviour. Is it comfort eating? Is something bothering her?

OP, I think at 11 you need to quickly go to the GP and seek some help for binge eating.

Actually, it would probably be better to have that good chat with her first, but I suppose you need advice on what to say. I wouldn’t know where to start, so I can imagine you might want some input on what to say.

If a dm can't discuss weight and diet with her dc who can? surely it is your responsibility to assist in managing her health - she is a child...
And spelling out eating crap makes you fat is a clear cut fact not bad parenting..
What is the alternative? A poorly, bullied dd?

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

Saying her getting bigger will impact sports is fine, but the part I think was handled badly was that you made going to a doctor sound like a threat and a punishment - if she won't stop binge eating then you'll have to take her to a doctor. This is very backwards as she might need to see a doctor for help to stop binging, and also just poor in general to make her fear seeking medical help. I would ask her what's going on, is she feeling well, is she very hungry, is something going on at school/with her friends that's causing her to turn to food - it might not be binging, she might be being bullied, stressed about academics, something else. But I would make sure you reiterate that going to a doctor is not a punishment for eating too much, she needs to know it's safe to seek medical help when she needs it in the future.

@AppleCrumbleIceCreamDream I definitely don’t think she is bulimic, she actually has quite an adverse phobia to sickness and won’t be anywhere where there is risk she is going to see or hear anyone be sick.

She used to get travel sickness when she was younger and for a long time afterwards would ask how long the trip was and if she deemed it “far away” she would refuse to go in fear that she was sick.

Im also not sure it makes any difference but she doesn’t hide the foods, just the wrappers.