Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

Ah, interesting, didn’t know that could happen. Thanks ☺️

Yeah, it does sound like she's growing and food is restricted/demonised. That's a common way for binge Eating disorder to start. Add the shame in and you're well on the way.

For some people, sugar and flour are extremely addictive and trigger binges and massive compulsions to overeat. There is no stop button for them. It is scary and overwhelming. Worth reviewing educational info at foodaddicts.org though she is too young to engage with this programme probably

I think I’d sit her down and say that you’re sorry for how you spoke to her earlier. Be totally honest and admit that speaking about food is hard and emotive, especially when you’re a woman and the media perpetuates the notion that your weight equates to your worth and thinner is better.
Just explain that you’re worried about her binge eating because it is a form of disordered eating and often leads people to struggle with feelings of shame or inadequacy. Focus on the emotional well-being side of things rather than the physical health implications. Maybe probe a bit and see if there is anything she is unhappy or worried about or if there are any things in her life which trigger the desire for binges.

It sounds like she has sugar addiction. Some of us have more of a drug-like reaction to sugar than others, as in we get a huge spike in blood sugar even if we don’t have diabetes.

obviously get the tests done but I’d recommend reading Potatoes not Prozac because that explains what’s happening chemically in the body. I think the author is Kathleen des Maisons and I think she’s written a book for kids with sugar sensitivity too. She has a Facebook support page which is quite active.

I don't think you fat shamed her. But she does have binge-eating disorder. I was like this as a teenager (though still skinny as a rake). It's awful. Work with her not against her. Maybe therapy could help? Binge eating is a serious psychological disorder.

I'm not sure what the issue is with her "getting bigger" if she's not at all overweight, is tall for her age and her clothes size is presumably in proportion to her height. That's what happens when children get older and go through puberty: their bodies get bigger - she may have been a 'very slim' child but may have more of a curvy figure when she's older. She obviously feels embarrassed and as though she has to hide what she's eating.
It sounds like she's just hungry and eating whatever is quicket, easiest and tastiest when she gets in from school (self-restraint is learned and I often have cba days where I get McDonald's after a long day). I'd get her some cute bento or meal prep boxes, get her to have a look on tiktok or Instagram and watch some snack prep videos. Make it non-confrontational, not "you're getting too big" but, "I've noticed you're more hungry at the moment and saw these videos online, do you think we could do something like this to make your life a bit easier?"
Get her involved in prepping some snack boxes that are just for her, let her prep some fruit, chuck in a handful of Popcorn, make some flapjacks, make some little pastry pinwheels, veggie quesadillas, make her own dip to go with veg sticks etc.
You control the healthy ingredients she has to hand but let her be in charge of putting it together. Maybe if it seems more attractive, convenient and as if she has more control over it, she'll be less likely to snaffle unhealthy snacks and hide the evidence!
Another thing I would look at is her sleep and whether some of the hunger is tiredness, particularly if shes sporty and looks after horses - when I started puberty, I would nap for 2 solid hours every single day after school. Being overtired can make you crave sugar for a quick, easy energy fix.

You didn't fat shame her.
You sound very caring

You are looking out for your daughter OP just as you would if she was too skinny. Being overweight will harm her health and she needs to turn things around. Get rid of any crap food at home and don’t let her veg on the sofa.

She sounds pretty active to me - definitely not the couch potato described in your OP.

You've also said that she's NOT overweight but is putting on weight.

I disagree with most of PP as I don't think this was well-handled. You're absolutely certain that she's not bulimic, so let's say that's not a concern.

However hiding wrappers suggests that she already has an element of shame around her eating, and her reaction to your "chat" with her today reinforces that.

You've threatened to take her to the doctor if she doesn't stop eating a lot - medical care should never be used as a threat.

If she's not had a complete blood count/check up done with the GP it's worth getting one done, just in case.

However, I have two 13yr olds and they do go through insane growth spurts. Sometimes there's a bit of puppy fat and then all of a sudden they're ridiculously skinny! You describe your DD as having big boobs and being curvy but not overweight - it could just be that she's filling out and going through a growth spurt. My two teens ate through huge amounts of food - and still do when they're having a growth spurt.

Obviously you want them to make healthy choices but tweens/teens will scoff down junk food given the chance. It tastes good and is very more-ish, so I'm not sure I see too much unusual in what she's eaten.

This isn't an attack so please don't read it that way - but why didn't you know what your DD was eating? You say you "discovered" she's eaten a whole tub of ice-cream in three days - do you not have oversight of what she's eating? Ice cream is a lot easier to keep track of than chocolate bars hidden in a bedroom. If you're concerned I would say it might be helpful for you and your DH to be a bit more on the ball with what she's eating - and it's possible to do this without making a drama out of it.

You say that she's not overweight but you've told her today that she won't be able to do her dream sports if she carries on. This seems really OTT and will just create more shame and guilt. If she was seriously overweight it might be a necessary approach but I think you've gone in too hard with little cause, and you're actually at risk of creating issues where perhaps there weren't too many before.....

She sounds like a hungry pre-teen girl who's now getting her periods, is on a growth spurt - still reasonably physically active - and she's making bad choices. As do lots of kids that age if they're given free rein to food.

Honestly OP I'm not trying to have a go, I promise I'm not. But I think you've jumped the gun here and you'd be far better with a different approach.

I was like this at her age. I didn't realise at the time (too young to understand), but I was suffering from a lot of anxiety and stress. I was fully developed, periods, moods, growing upwards and outwards at age 11 too and I wasn't happy with my changes. I hugely craved sugar and sweet things. Sugar craving is a reaction to cortisol spikes, the sugar releases dopamine, it's a natural high. I would come downstairs in the night and spoon sugar from the bag.
As an adult I understand my mental health better. I use mindfulness and meditation to balance my mind. Exercise just doesn't give me the high that it does other people.
I think you've reacted badly but it's natural for people to snap sometimes. Perhaps you can talk to your daughter about how parents don't always react in the best way when they are worried or stressed, and use that as a lead into a conversation about how mental health can be affected by food, and equally, how food consumption can be affected by mental health.
FWIW, filling out is to be expected at her age so I don't think you should criticise that (re her clothes not fitting) especially as she is a size 6! Concentrate on the health aspect rather than the size.

This poor kid has put on 'a lot of weight' and is now a size 6. How skinny was she before? Honestly, give your head an enormous wobble OP.

I see pps have already flagged this but I just came on to say my daughter aged 15 started to do exactly this around the same age and turns out to have adhd / asd. She will compulsively eat any sort of white carbs and sugar, it’s like an addiction for her. It’s very common in kids with adhd due to a dopamine inefficiency apparently.

Hmmm, Im confused now having read the updates

I thought from the OP she was very overweight and a complete couch potato

Now I hear that shes busy mucking out and riding horses with other clubs and walking the dogs etc and shes quite small. This doesnt make sense

I think the only problems here are her hiding the wrappers and eating sugar (how is she doing this OP, straight out the bag or just putting it on food?)

So why is she hiding the wrappers, is it because she knows she would be in trouble for having snacks that she didnt ask for? Or is it because she is genuinely binging and knows it?

I'd be starving all the time if I was that active and going through puberty.

Are the other siblings very active and tall and the correct weight? Is there judgement about anyone who's not?

just wanted to thank you for this - I am waiting to be assessed for ADHD and just like you my binge eating started around the age of 12. Sounds very similar to what the OP's daughter is doing. It may be irrelevant to the OP and her daughter but you flagging this up as perhaps linked to ADHD is helpful to me. I've long understood it in myself as a way of maybe chasing sensation and interest in an impulsive way if that makes sense? The dopamine link would fit with that.

So I’m in two minds about this ‘snacking’

ds has been the same than your dd. He is now 20yo and at Uni and believe it or not he STILL hides food wrappers on the side if his bed On the utter side, he is fut, healthy, more on the very thin side rather than overweight etc…

We’ve never said anything to him apart from the fact his bedroom isn’t a bin and he should put the wrappers in the bin.

So whilst I fully agree that this level of snacking isn’t good, my experience with ds has shown me that maybe it’s nit as much if a problem than it looks….

Sounds like the poor girl is ravenous to be honest. She's 'binging' on food that is almost nutritionally empty, like someone who has low blood sugar/is very hungry and goes to empty carbs and sugar for a quick energy boost.

If it's not in your house, she can't eat it.

Mine can want to "snack" but if it's junk it does NOTHING to actually fill them.

Yeah that's it, demonise and restrict her eating even more! That will definitely solve her disordered eating problems!
Honestly.

Bulimia doesn't necessarily mean being sick. I wouldn't leap to that but it can't be ruled out on the grounds that she has a phobia of being sick. Purging often follows a binge for someone with bulimia but can include restricting or intense exercise.

When she is receptive, maybe talk about what she is craving and why and how she is feeling when she craves certain foods and how she feels after eating them. A chat like this is good to have on a journey in the car. There's no distractions and less confrontational as you are not face to face.

From reading the latest updates, I agree with this.

I totally agree. Couple more thoughts:

1. On a more simple level, she may have picked up some delusional information from someone about how many calories you can eat per day without putting on weight when you're an athlete. The mention of the tumble dryer/tightness of clothes does show a bit of denial.

1. Also as she has clearly hit puberty, is it possible that she is actually just developing (bust/hips/bum) and going through hormonal changes which she is struggling with. Perhaps buy her some clothes in a bigger size to accomodate her new figure and work out a solution?

1. Also I HATE to mention sexual abuse or harrassment but I think it needs a mention. Sometimes disordered eating can start tben - people can try to ruin their body because it was grossly sexualised.

You need to take her to a safe space and when she is fed/not tired/ hydrated, you need to ask her how she is feeling and explore every avenue. Also ask her for permission about whether to then talk to other people e.g. DH or her GP about what she's said.

I don't think you fat shamed her. Sounds like you're trying to monitor the situation but I wouldn't delay any more than this. If she is at risk of losing her hobbies, it needs resolution asap.

It sounds like your daughter is comfort eating. Year 7 is a big change from a small school to a large impersonal place where she may be struggling or bullied. A quiet chat with her class tutor and/or head of year to find out how she's doing there may explain what is happening. Whatever is happening may not be at the school but is very common. Either way, the school can refer DD11 for counselling. It's never easy with children, good luck in sorting this,

Sorry but she’s a size 6?? I was tall for my age in year 7 and I was in size 10-12 adult clothes by that point! She does not sound big OP. Yes of course she may have been very small when she was younger but starting your period really can change a girls shape.

My advice would be to actually have a go at just letting her eat however much she wants when she’s hungry but on the proviso that she stops hiding food.

When I was 13 I was going through a very rough time emotionally at home and I started buying chocolate bars and hiding them to eat later. I did it at school too. I was miserable and this was one of the ways it showed itself. Don’t assume a kid is just greedy when they start displaying strange habits with food.