Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

She is very well developed for her age, she has bigger boobs than my two teenagers and has curves but you wouldn’t look at her and think she is above average on weight, she is a ladies size XS/6 or child’s age 12-13 she is also tall for age.

She isn't overweight then. She also does sport and is going through puberty.
Maybe she's hungry?

@CpnTomChandlersFanClub

I definitely don’t think she is bulimic, she actually has quite an adverse phobia to sickness and won’t be anywhere where there is risk she is going to see or hear anyone be sick.

She used to get travel sickness when she was younger and for a long time afterwards would ask how long the trip was and if she deemed it “far away” she would refuse to go in fear that she was sick.

Im also not sure it makes any difference but she doesn’t hide the foods, just the wrappers.

@AppleCrumbleIceCreamDream sorry didn’t mean to tag you in last post. 😊

I actually think that you have handled this correctly. It is a sensitive subject and no matter how its worded it will cause offence but as her parent its your place to educate her on this.

I agree. It was always going to be a difficult conversation. I’d say you did it well and as sensitively as possible.

Get advice for parents from Beateating disorders first in how to approach it with her.
Hopefully you've caught it early. You are a kind and considerate mother and if you are kind to yourself first, that'll help her.
You didn't cause this. There's a few factors involved in creating the 'perfect storm' for these behaviors to emerge.
Don't panic.

Try to get her in the system for support as soon as possible; the waiting lists are really long. Do you know if any of her sports coaches are putting too much pressure on her? Does she definitely still want to do all these sports and meet these “goals” you brought up in your chat with her? Is there a possibility something has happened beyond teenage hormones to change her relationship with her body in this way?

I would contact the ELSA or the Home School Link Worker at your school. They are very likely to have come across disordered eating problems amongst their students and will be able to signpost you other organisations who can help, or even refer to CAMHS if they think it's necessary.

@LavenderHillMob I don’t think I said in any of my posts that she is “overweight” but she is definitely putting on weight.

Yes you are

Ah, maybe she is just growing then. If you are restricting her food then shes probably hungry.

MN is a terrible place to ask advice about this btw. I second the pp who suggested the beat website.

Gut health and sugar craving link if anyone is interested.https://bellalindemann.com/blog/why-do-i-crave-sugar

@beastlyslumber Im definitely not restricting her food…

Family member has, it made her more hungry so she gained weight despite it being overactive.

I don’t think you fat shamed her. I have quite disordered eating tendencies and went from starving myself as a young teen to putting lots of weight on quickly. I think sometimes you need to hear that you are getting larger, you need someone to be cruel to be kind.

I definitely think she needs professional help though. It’s next to impossible to get a grip on this kind of eating alone. There are so many emotional ties with food. Mine started when I was bullied at school, I was deeply unhappy and food was my only comfort. Do you think there could be something like that going on?

The snacks you mention sound OK for a teenager that plays sports. Or has she stopped exercising completely?

I'd stop buying Doritos and snacks and make sure she eats well at mealtimes. Remind her that food wrappers go in the bin without making a huge deal of it. Make sure she keeps up with her sports.

I think the fact that she's a tall 11 year old and size 6 changes things a bit. Binge eating almost always stems from calorie restriction. I honestly think your first response should be to consider that she's having a growth spurt and is hungry. Increase her portion sizes of protein, healthy fats and complex carbs.

Binge eating disorder is not resolved by 'education' or 'straight talking' or 'tough love'. You wouldn't sit an anorexic down and tell them they had to eat more or they'll damage their health and lose their dreams. Those of us with disordered eating know, we really do. It doesn't matter how rationally you present the facts, this is an irrational compulsion that leads to deep shame and self loathing beyond anything you can imagine. Unless you're very lucky, your GP is unlikely to help with this and you may need to seek private mental health support from someone specialising in BED. Certainly look into the possibility of ADHD, it presents differently in girls and is easy to miss. For the time being, try to drain the emotion from anything food related and don't talk about it in terms of treats or bad food. Get her some help.

You didn't do a thing wrong, op. She needed to hear some home truths. She is eating far too much and her health is going to be severely impacted if she doesn't get a handle on this. She may not have any medical condition, she might just be mindlessly eating. The more you eat, the more you want to eat, and it gets to the point where is takes a massive amount of food to make you feel satisfied.

You need to speak to your GP and take it from there. Ask to have her thyroid, insulin levels etc checked.

Can you start to regulate her eating by focusing on protein and vegetables and 3 meals a day - could you speak to a nutritionist? Or read some books like Tim Spector, Petronella Ravenshear or Pippa Campbell.

It sounds like you need to alter your food purchases for the whole household though. You can't have items like this in the house, it's too tempting. They should be a treat. Sounds like she's addicted to sugar. I don't think there's anything wrong with being direct with your daughter. I'd have done the same but as someone said above the GP shouldn't be a threat but a way of seeking help.

Good luck, I think you are right to intervene at this point. There's something wrong going on. Don't feel bad, it's very obvious that you love her.

Sport wise she rides a lot (maybe fairly outing but all the things that go along with having horses, out twice a day mucking out, bring in turn out etc) walking/playing with the dogs and she does dance club at school but she has dropped the rest, her choice and i would never push her to do something she didn’t want to do.

We do have a big selection of food on offer, there is always meat/protein, yogurt, cheese, fruit, hummus, breadsticks, veg etc but we also have 3 DC and two adults with various clubs, long school days, work, weekends out at sports so also have other kind of snacks that we can enjoy in moderation.

Sorry let me get this straight:

-you have certain foods that are restricted and she has to ask for
-you've told her, incorrectly, fat people are less fit - how fat you are does not impact your fitness, you can be fat and be active and healthy
-she is a growing, active, 11 year old child who is a tiny size, and you're moaning at her for having gained weight (normal at that age)
-you've threatened her with taking her to a doctor, as if needing the help or support of a professional is a punishment if she can't stop eating

Yeah, no shit she's going to end up with an ED in this house. Please do seek a GP, to educate yourself on how NOT to talk about these topics. You sound incredibly fatphobic and disordered yourself.

I think you did well to talk to her and you're probably best placed to state the obvious.
Aside from medical issues or eating disorders which I have no knowledge of, I would say it would be useful that you ensure there are no biscuits, chocolate, crisps etc in the house. These are foods that are not essential for anyone. By all means buy or bake a cake once a week for the family but small unhealthy snacks have to go.
She may well be hungry so have healthy options available. Nuts, seeds, boiled eggs, cut up pieces of raw vegetables, small whole cucumbers and baby tomatoes, cheese, natural plain yoghurt drinks, cooked pieces of chicken, olives, that sort of stuff. Things that are easy to grab, are protein or raw based so at least there is a healthy option.
Fruit juice (fresh squeezed or otherwise) is very unhealthy so no need to gave it in the house all the time.
Encourage drinking of water, get her a water bottle she likes and experiment together by adding fresh mint or fruit for a bit of flavour unless she's happy with plain water.
Somehow, try and direct her towards a healthier eating situation because she nay well be hungry for good reason.
Where possible, better you offer her a healthy cooked breakfast. No added sugar cereals - which is in most prepared cereals.
Help her by guiding her towards healthy filling options alongside medical investigations.
She must be feeling awful poor girl, her body changing so much, puberty and all that.
And keep her busy as much as you can influence this: maybe joining new clubs, trying new sports.

I've just seen your recent post that healthy options are available!

Is she unhappy about something - perhaps at school. Maybe being bullied and is comfort eating when home. Hiding wrappers means she’s trying to hide her binging. I think you need to have a good motherly chat with her, explaining why you’re concerned and see if you can get her to talk about it. Let her know you want to help her. Agree that you see the doctor with her

So underactive rather than overactive. Thanks. ☺️