Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

I'd be tempted to address it with her from the medical (rather than mental health) perspective because it may help her to open up initially.

You could just tell her what you have written here, that you have long wondered about the thirst etc and if she is feeling a compulsion to eat sugary things beyond normal snacking then you need to get it investigated.

Say you will book her a GP appointment but can she explain to you how she is feeling so you can write it down. e consult is useful here because you can tell the doctor things without having to say it in front of her and stress this.

This may provide insights into her behaviour but is also likely to be an easier conversation because it takes it more into the what we'd do if you had any other ailment territory, rather than making a big deal of it.

So if she's one age above her actual age in clothes sizes but is tall then I don't see the issue?
Her body is going through puberty and she's growing

Go back if she has the pear drop smell. Diabetes can come on slowly and then suddenly very fast

@beastlyslumber I hardly think that eating sugar and a complete tub of ice cream is normal. This woman is trying to do what is right and asking for help and it is obvious that your attitude is not going to help. When you receive your counselling qualification then perhaps you could comment then.

Hyperglycaemia can have the same effect - combined with the comment about pear drop breath I'd be off to the GP just in case.

My primary child is always starving too after school and he is 8. He's tall and well built he wears size 11/12 and 12/13 clothes. You can't really go off these measurements though.

I'm quite a heavy person if I step on the scales. It's in my legs and bum. I have a small top half and a small stomach.

The eating a full jar of Nutella and so on is obviously an issue. Is there something that could of caused this? I don't think its fair to compare her figure to your other kids though we all different.

I think the fact that this has been going on for 18 months and I have never spoke bluntly to her up until today would suggest how gently I’ve handled it, I have been very careful with my words and reactions and other general talk about our body needs to fuel it, making good food decisions to all my DC have never made her feel anything but loved for everything is.

I at no point have said she is overweight but she has considerably changed shape and gained weight, as said in my OP this wasn’t necessarily a huge issue in itself for all the reasons outlined however the binge eating is worrying.

She has also never had food restricted, and she is definitely not hungry on the contrary we all LOVE our food and also love cooking as a family, yes all 3 DC have to ask if they can have a can of juice, they are expensive, not good for their teeth and not an every day choice…

What’s her BMI? I’d be very careful what you say to her if it’s currently normal. If it’s normal her weight/size isn’t an issue it’s what she’s eating that’s the problem. So could you get a meal planner with snacks and sit down and plan a week with her including some snack treats and snacks?

I wonder if she has PCOS. It’s insulin resistance so you do get a bigger sugar ‘high’ and as her periods have started it could be kicking in.

I must say it’s extremely difficult to control cravings and I’m not sure what the evidence is for the approaches to controlled eating. My only advice would be to do a meal plan that’s not restrictive and make sure she does her exercise (the upper weight limit for horse riding is probably worth keeping an eye on and using as motivation).
Ultimately she could be in for a life long battle with food, try to give her some tools to approach it and…accept her for who she is. She’ll know she’s not eating well.

You have no idea what you're talking about. And I do.

HTH

Since when did you need a counselling qualification to comment on this website? Do you have one? Personally I'm speaking with lived experience of bulimia having grown up with a mother like this in a home environment like this. OP is going to seriously damage this child if this continues, and telling her that straight up IS the right thing to do. Her attitude and behaviour towards a size 6 growing little girl is not normal or healthy.

If she is really active and going through puberty, due a growth spurt is she just really hungry and wants junk food like a lot of kids? My dd put. on some weight around that age, she had just started her periods, her body had developed but she is 13 now and she has a lovely figure and her hunger has gone back to more normal levels and her eating has balanced out. I'm not really sure that this is the catastrophic situation lots of posters are making it out to be. The hiding wrapper might just be because she knows that you disapprove of the junk food.

I was wondering if she is just very hungry. I was at that age. Sounds as if she is hiding the wrappers because she knows you won't approve. Would it be possible for her to have a more lax snacking regime on the understanding she eats in front of the family? So snacks, healthy and unhealthy, are all had at the family table. I don't know if this would help but it would bring it out into the open.

The OP's use of the phrase 'fat shaming' in relation to a girl who is a size 6 is worrying.

Yes I agree, however now she's going to view it as a punishment for her 'binge eating' I imagine that getting her there and having her speak frankly to a GP is going to be a difficult task.

So she’s not actually overweight is she? She’s a young girl whose body is changing shape rapidly and dealing with hormones. I’d wonder if the binging is hormone related. Also it sounds like she may just need some more food generally. I also wonder if your fat phobia is making this hard for you to handle?

She has also never had food restricted, and she is definitely not hungry on the contrary we all LOVE our food and also love cooking as a family, yes all 3 DC have to ask if they can have a can of juice, they are expensive, not good for their teeth and not an every day choice…

You are restricting junk food though or you wouldn't have snapped at her today? Also how do you know that she is definitely not hungry, she is the only one that could possibly know that.

You haven't fat shamed her. It sounds like the conversation was needed.
It does sound like she needs some professional help though. Is there any reason you can think of that is triggering this behaviour?

What benefit do you perceive in forcing a child who is already self conscious about eating to only be allowed to snack if it's in front of other people? Not trying to have a go at you but honestly, some of these suggestions are absolutely deranged and completely lacking any insight into disordered eating. If OP doesn't know how to handle it (clearly) she needs to go and ask a professional herself. I know she's asked for advice here so it's not your fault but these kinds of suggestions will make these issues so much worse.

google SIBO
plus also could be a mental health element
also google inattentive ADHD - do you think SEN might be involved as often includes eating disorders.
But I think significantly your 'talk' today will result in her going even more secretive with her eating. She is obviously overeating for a reason - maybe comfort eating?

This isn't fat shaming. However I would suggest she's comfort eating and you need to find out why.

I imagine she's probably hiding food wrappers because you are making her feel bad about eating.

I'm actually going to disagree with the majority here and say that an 11 year old who is well developed and tall for her age is not drastically overweight wearing a size 6/ aged 12-13 clothes. I think it's maybe you OP who has issues around food. Why does she have to ask for snacks in your house? Has food always been policed? If you are so concerned about her inability to control her eating, why are you buying all this 'unhealthy' food? Do you not think it's a bit cruel to indulge your other DC, DH or yourself in these attractive foods and then expect your youngest to sit there and not eat any?

I actually think you did fat shame her today and it sounds like it's not the first time. It might be the first time you've directed told her what you think about her weight, but the telling her off for hiding food and limiting her snacks when everyone else can eat what they want would have sent the message home loud and clear.

If she does have eating issues going forward I'd say they are entirely due to your policing of her food intake and making food a 'naughty' thing.

Thank god someone came on here to say this! I’ll keep reading the thread, but up to this post it was a whole lot of “you’ve done nothing wrong” when actually your attitude sounds much like my fat phobic mother’s. Her attitude led me into two decades of serious eating disorders. Thankfully you sound much kinder. But DO Seek professional advice for yourself first.

100%. A tall size 6 sporty child shouldn't be fat shamed.

Actually no one should be fat shamed but a skinny teen? No no no.

When I was a kid I used to stuff my dressing gown pockets with biscuits, in fact anything I could sneak easily. I also used to hide wrappers in my school bag and then get rid of them at school. I liked my food but always stayed skim as I danced 3x week. My mum never let me eat loads of junk but I craved it so used to sneak it when she wasnt looking. I would also make myself a sandwich after school cos I was always starving. I honestly think this is normal behaviour. Maybe if she does more exercise, this will be the answer for the weight gain. I think all kids should be involved in some sort of sport especially when going through puberty.

@caramelegg Perhaps you should read what I said. This woman is asking for help because she thinks she mishandled the situation. I slammed the poster for he unhelpful and useless comment. I don't have to apologise for telling someone she is rude and not giving proper advice.